afraidtobealone Posted June 4, 2020 Share Posted June 4, 2020 Hello, My story is long, but the short of it is I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We both have a troubled past (like many people), so we started by taking things slow. 3 years later, we get along well and spend time together. We travel and have dinners and enjoy each others company, but we haven't really moved forward by building a life 'together'. We lead separate lives although I don't want to. He has 3 kids 1/2 the time, so we see each other the other half. I'm hardly invited to be around his kids. I try to be patient, but I believe we should be further long in our relationship by now. We don't fight often, but when we do, it is because I get frustrated about not feeling more important. I don't seem to be able to talk to him and instead I give him attitude and the cold shoulder, and he puts his guard up and suggests maybe we aren't right for each other, he closes up for a few days and hardly talks to me (which I believe is a very hurtful way to treat your partner), and then we move forward and get past our argument but still I feel we aren't building a life together. Am I being unreasonable? I've been in serious relationships before (engaged twice) but never with someone who has children. I can't tell if I'm being too needy, or if I'm in fact just being strung along. I really care for this guy, and I believe he cares for me too - I'm just not sure where to go from here. The other issue I have, I feel really insecure and low confidence and I think I'm more afraid to be broken up with a rejected than the average person, so I don't know if I cling to relationships that I should let go of longer than I should. I'm hoping someone can give a little insight and help me through this. I'm very confused in my head and since we can't really socialize right now (re:covid) I don't know where to turn. Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted June 4, 2020 Share Posted June 4, 2020 You are being strung along. It's been 3 years, not 3 months, so you should be more of an involved and stable part of his life. It sounds like he is happy with things as they are, which is getting his physical and companionship needs met on HIS terms. You're wasting your time with this guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 4, 2020 Share Posted June 4, 2020 Certainly sounds like your boyfriend is perfectly happy with things as they are (minus any complaints from you). After 3 years, he's not going to change. It's perfectly understandable that you want more, want to feel more a part of his life. You're not going to get that from him. Take control of your own life and be the one to end it, free yourself to find someone who wants to truly build a life with you. I know, that's really easy for me to say. But truly, the sooner you stop holding on to something that's making you unhappy and keeping your confidence low, the sooner you will be free to find what you really want. I know you don't want to "throw away" 3 years, but even worse would be to spend more time not feeling valued. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 On 6/4/2020 at 3:10 PM, FMW said: Certainly sounds like your boyfriend is perfectly happy with things as they are (minus any complaints from you). After 3 years, he's not going to change. It's perfectly understandable that you want more, want to feel more a part of his life. You're not going to get that from him. Take control of your own life and be the one to end it, free yourself to find someone who wants to truly build a life with you. I know, that's really easy for me to say. But truly, the sooner you stop holding on to something that's making you unhappy and keeping your confidence low, the sooner you will be free to find what you really want. I know you don't want to "throw away" 3 years, but even worse would be to spend more time not feeling valued. @afraidtobealone - FMW said it perfectly in the part I bolded. No two relationships are alike. But there are general guidelines to help make sure they're arching in the right, and positive, direction. There's no circumstance that I can see that by 3 years you aren't at least planning a future life together, if not, already building it together. Especially as he's old enough to have three children and you're old enough to have been engaged twice already. I'm not advising you make an "ultimatum" - those never work and they're not emotionally healthy or fair. Just make it clear to him what you want, ask him to work with you on a a timeline filled with ACTIONs. And if he balks at that or balks at any point on the way, leave. Guys are 100x simpler than women. MOst likely - yeah - he's very satisfied with the way things are (for a potential myriad of reasons which we'd need more information about him, his life, his prior relationships, your relationship with him, etc.) so give him a roadmap and see if he jumps in the driver's seat. If not, it's time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 When you have fights and he says "maybe we aren't right for each other".... I think that is a glimpse into how he really feels. He's being honest. He's not sure that you're really "the one". He's happy the way things are.... he wants to keep certain things separate. He doesn't want to merge all aspects of his life with you. So if you're not ok with that then you're going to have to decide whether you're going to stay in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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