I have this pattern of constantly changing to accommodate a guy!

[ladybug2021]

I have been in a personal development journey and have built my own business with a good income and a lifestyle I love. I would love to meet a man who is on a similar path, perhaps being an entrepreneur as well, living a similar lifestyle, so we can share a nice life together.

But somehow I always end up meeting guys who are the complete opposite. Guys with regular 9-5 jobs. Nothing wrong with that apart from the fact most of them do not like what they do, are in their comfort zones not having much ambition, complaining about life and money, and living a different lifestyle than me.

For example, last guy I went on a date I even felt bad. I felt bad because I knew he felt bad around me, because I drive a good car and have designer bags, etc. Last time I even thought of walking instead of driving so he doesn't see my car! How ridiculous is that!? 

I always tell myself to stop dating guys who are not what I am looking for and not a match, but then end up going on dates with them. It's like I don't fully believe there's a guy that is a match to me, or they exist but are all taken, so I end up dating these other guys and clearly seeing we're not a match and just end up feeling lonely.

How can I break this pattern and wait for the right man?

Edited June 5, 2020 by ladybug2021

[d0nnivain]

Find a different pool of men.  

Do some networking for your business.  At the events (assuming we ever get to do that again) scope the room for dating prospects as well as customers

[ladybug2021]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Find a different pool of men.  

Do some networking for your business.  At the events (assuming we ever get to do that again) scope the room for dating prospects as well as customers

That's a good idea. I'll research on Meetup.com those kind of events around me (even if they are now only online). 

[d0nnivain]

That is how I met my husband.  

Happy hunting.  

[Ellener]

@ladybug2021 I think most of us play down aspects of our personality in the initial phase of getting to know someone.  

How do you usually get introductions to your dates?

 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

I felt bad because I knew he felt bad around me, because I drive a good car and have designer bags, etc. Last time I even thought of walking instead of driving so he doesn't see my car! How ridiculous is that!? 

Don't assume that he feels bad about himself around you.  It could also be that he feels perfectly fine with himself but perhaps feels you're putting forward an ostentatious display of money and judges you for that.  Perhaps the guys would be more comfortable with someone who's successful but who doesn't set themselves apart from others with shiny things.   Reverse snobbery is a thing.  

Not that you're wrong to live as you wish.  But I suspect you'd be more suited to someone who's also wealthy with a love of expensive things. 

[ladybug2021]

22 hours ago, basil67 said:

Don't assume that he feels bad about himself around you.  It could also be that he feels perfectly fine with himself but perhaps feels you're putting forward an ostentatious display of money and judges you for that.  Perhaps the guys would be more comfortable with someone who's successful but who doesn't set themselves apart from others with shiny things.   Reverse snobbery is a thing.  

Not that you're wrong to live as you wish.  But I suspect you'd be more suited to someone who's also wealthy with a love of expensive things. 

My love for expensive things has nothing to do with an "ostentatious display of money" or snobbery. I really do like certain luxury things because they are high quality and beautiful. For example I rather have a designer bag that gets more beautiful as it gets old rather than a normal bag that gets ugly and doesn't last long.

I don't like people that wear designer and luxury stuff just to show off either, that's not my vibe.

But I do feel I get judged by that by guys I date. 

Maybe you're right, the right guy for me would be wealthy and appreciates nice things too.

[ladybug2021]

22 hours ago, Ellener said:

@ladybug2021 I think most of us play down aspects of our personality in the initial phase of getting to know someone.  

How do you usually get introductions to your dates?

 

I usually meet the guys on online dating apps.

Edited June 6, 2020 by ladybug2021

[d0nnivain]

Find a guy who appreciates you for you.  That means changing the places where you meet men.  The majority of men on dating apps are not the men you want.  Outside of lockdown, the men you want are not on dating apps.  

[basil67]

2 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

My love for expensive things has nothing to do with an "ostentatious display of money" or snobbery. I really do like certain luxury things because they are high quality and beautiful. For example I rather have a designer bag that gets more beautiful as it gets old rather than a normal bag that gets ugly and doesn't last long.

I don't like people that wear designer and luxury stuff just to show off either, that's not my vibe.

But I do feel I get judged by that by guys I date. 

Maybe you're right, the right guy for me would be wealthy and appreciates nice things too.

Thinking a little further, I doubt the average guy could recognise a designer handbag as opposed to a vinyl one.  Or recognise designer clothes as not being from Uniqlo.   Could there be something else going on?    What are they doing which makes you feel judged?   Or could it be that they aren't judging at all, but simply don't connect?

And for the record, I wasn't suggesting you were being a snob, I was talking about reverse snobbery where people judge upwards.  And you don't have to be ostentatious for people to make that judgement.   For example, in my city there's one area which is quite wealthy and people aren't afraid to show it.  In another area (where I live) people are also quite well off but people pretend they aren't.  In my area, a car which is more fancy that a 3yo Honda SUV is considered to be ostentatious and thrift stores/flea markets do a roaring trade.   Actual conversation between me and someone from the other area I mentioned:  Friend: I love your dress.  Me: Yeah, I love it too.  I found it at the flea market for $5.  Friend: Don't say that!!!    Neither area is better than the other, but the attitude is really different.

Edited June 6, 2020 by basil67

[ladybug2021]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

Thinking a little further, I doubt the average guy could recognise a designer handbag as opposed to a vinyl one.  Or recognise designer clothes as not being from Uniqlo.   Could there be something else going on?    What are they doing which makes you feel judged?   Or could it be that they aren't judging at all, but simply don't connect?

And for the record, I wasn't suggesting you were being a snob, I was talking about reverse snobbery where people judge upwards.  And you don't have to be ostentatious for people to make that judgement.   For example, in my city there's one area which is quite wealthy and people aren't afraid to show it.  In another area (where I live) people are also quite well off but people pretend they aren't.  In my area, a car which is more fancy that a 3yo Honda SUV is considered to be ostentatious and thrift stores/flea markets do a roaring trade.   Actual conversation between me and someone from the other area I mentioned:  Friend: I love your dress.  Me: Yeah, I love it too.  I found it at the flea market for $5.  Friend: Don't say that!!!    Neither area is better than the other, but the attitude is really different.

Yes I see what you mean. I guess the issue here is not about wealth or money, but about connection.

I feel most guys I date are in their comfort zones, no ambition, don't really like their jobs but don't lift a finger to change their lives. If I had $1 for each guy that I go on a date, works 9-5 and says "oh I wish I also had my own business" but do ZERO about it, I would be a millionaire just by dating...

When they say that is an instant turn off for me. 

I guess I need a partner who doesn't accept less than living to his full potential and fulfilling his life purpose. Someone who gets out of his comfort zone and wants to live their best life. Someone who respects themselves and would never accept going every day to a job they are not passionate about.

And I guess that is an abundant mindset and money follows that naturally. Then you can do whatever with the money, spending it on designer bags, a house or on lego. It doesn't matter. What matters is the mindset I guess. 

Edited June 7, 2020 by ladybug2021

[basil67]

It sounds to me like there's more judgement coming from you towards them than the other way around.   To say that someone has no self respect because they are gainfully employed but not passionate about their job is kinda rude, yeah?  A functional society needs everyone from CEOs to cleaners.   If those people who you are critical of all went and got jobs which they were passionate about, who would make your coffee, clean your office toilets, construct your designer bags, do your tax or serve your table?

Yes, I'm sure you worked hard and used passion to get where you are.  But a lack of passion does not equal a lack of self respect.  And not everyone has the intellectual ability to be at the top end of town.  

I think you need to reassess how you view others.   When you view them with more kindness and compassion, you may feel less judged in return.