On rejecting a man.

[deepthinking]

I am beginning to wonder if I am in the wrong. I am worried about how  to reject a man. 

If I go into a conversation  about how nice they are but someexcuse means I can't go out with them, they may see a load of nonsense, a liar.

But if I ignore bluntly, well, I  am worried about what the best course of  action is. I just know a couple of men {not friends, but strangers}  that I think I pissed off by not being gentler, but the gentleness could seem like a consolation prize, just  a one-off gesture as I turn to go.

I have thought that men chase randomly and their life-style is that of playing the field, making me insignificant, a  minor part of their day, no convo needed, I just ignore.

Now I'm not so sure. Still,  no is no, whether it is dressed up or not. Any opinions?

Edited June 5, 2020 by deepthinking
new thought

[nospam99]

Sample of ONE man, here. For context, I don't chase, randomly or otherwise. I don't play the field. And every dating relationship I have, as opposed to friend relationships, is a major part of my life.

Just a couple of days ago, I got a ''Sorry, but I'm not interested.'' on OLD. To me, that's fine and way better than ghosting. OLD messaging is not dating. For dating, I also prefer straight, open communication. I don't ask for explanations. If the woman who wants to stop dating me wants to provide an explanation, it's not necessary, nevertheless greatly appreciated, AND assumed to be a white lie.

[mark clemson]

I wouldn't worry too much in the sense that there's all kinds of men out there, so whichever methods you chose to reject by there will be some who it works well for and some who it doesn't.

For some a firmer no may sting a bit, but for others it's necessary for them to take it seriously.

For some a gentler rejection may be seen as "leading them on" or a play for friendzoning. And they may react negatively.

Even ghosting will have variance - many will take it at least a little personally (understandably as it's inconsiderate), but even with that some will simply shrug and figure it's par for the course these days.

One thing I've learned in life is you can't make everyone happy. Even if I went around handing out $100 bills (to the delight of many) some would complain that it wasn't enough, others would scold me for not giving it to the homeless etc.

So no need to fret too much over this IMO.

[SumGuy]

The answer that is almost always truthful and the least judgmental is  you are not feeling a connection or feeling chemistry to see them that way.   
Some may want to press you on “details” which is really bad form.  

I’d avoid details like the plague it usually goes no where good with someone who can’t take no for an answer.   Frankly I think that is why people ghost.   

[basil67]

I was reading a post here recently where a dumpee was writing about the reason given for the thing being ended.  The response here to the reason given made me think "and this is why it's not wise to be honest".   So yeah, I'm a big proponent of a vague reason.

That said, two young women friends who recently ended things had the young men say to them "I keep being dumped and I can't work out why.  Could you tell me what I'm doing wrong?"  Both women gave tactful but honest answers - and to their credit, the young men accepted the reasons with thanks and good grace.  So perhaps there's still a place for honesty.  

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 6/5/2020 at 3:45 PM, basil67 said:

I was reading a post here recently where a dumpee was writing about the reason given for the thing being ended.  The response here to the reason given made me think "and this is why it's not wise to be honest".   So yeah, I'm a big proponent of a vague reason.

That said, two young women friends who recently ended things had the young men say to them "I keep being dumped and I can't work out why.  Could you tell me what I'm doing wrong?"  Both women gave tactful but honest answers - and to their credit, the young men accepted the reasons with thanks and good grace.  So perhaps there's still a place for honesty.  

The only times I've given explanations like this I got "but that's not true" or "but what about this or that.." Rejecting someone is so uncomfortable, and there is no one way that somebody out there can't find a reason to object to or get mad about, so I learned to just be polite but to the point. I did get some angry responses but again...people don't like being rejected, so there will never be that one perfect way. so just come out with it: "I'm sorry, I'm not interested in going out again" or whatever. JMO. Everyone is going to do this differently.

[d0nnivain]

Keep it vague but clear. 

Thanks but I'm not interested.  

You're a great guy but I'm not feeling it. 

There are reasons these are cliches.  They work!  You want the person to know it's a rejection but you can't get too specific lest they offer to change or refute your assertion.  

[CaliforniaGirl]

8 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Keep it vague but clear. 

Thanks but I'm not interested.  

You're a great guy but I'm not feeling it. 

There are reasons these are cliches.  They work!  You want the person to know it's a rejection but you can't get too specific lest they offer to change or refute your assertion.  

This. Probably every person here has had to reject someone. It feels horrible and if the person is decent you feel awful about hurting feelings. Nobody wants to say "You're really nice but I'm not turned on by you at all" or whatever. Sometimes vague reasons but a definitive "no" are the best way to rip off that Bandaid without rubbing salt in afterward. No need to be hurtful, IMO.

Edited June 11, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl
Autocorrect

[poppyfields]

On 6/10/2020 at 11:46 PM, CaliforniaGirl said:

The only times I've given explanations like this I got "but that's not true" or "but what about this or that.." Rejecting someone is so uncomfortable, and there is no one way that somebody out there can't find a reason to object to or get mad about, so I learned to just be polite but to the point. I did get some angry responses but again...people don't like being rejected, so there will never be that one perfect way. so just come out with it: "I'm sorry, I'm not interested in going out again" or whatever. JMO. Everyone is going to do this differently.

Agree and this is why it's sometimes best to end things via text, politely and succinctly.   And then block, or if email, divert messages to trash or spam.

Ghosting is so cowardly, also cruel imo, so would never do that. Although many do.

I recall receiving no less than 20 super nasty text messages after I politely said no thanks to a man's invite.  I mean really nasty!  

Another guy literally screamed at me in the parking lot at Ralph's (supermarket) for turning him down.

In my last relationship, I broke up with my ex in person, he cried.  Which I never expected since he was so cerebral (cold) during our relationship.

If all men were like nospam life would be so grand! 

I've often said I would much rather be the dumpee than dumper.

It hurts but I'm resilient and would get over it.  And I can deal with a little emotional pain.

But being the dumper, I always just feel so guilty, I still haven't totally moved past my last ex crying. Strong guy, so that was hard! 

I'm in a happy relationship now so hopefully won't have to experience either again. 

Edited June 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[nospam99]

poppyfields said ''If all men were like nospam life would be so grand!''

LOL ... there are SO many ways I can take that.

[poppyfields]

22 hours ago, nospam99 said:

poppyfields said ''If all men were like nospam life would be so grand!''

LOL ... there are SO many ways I can take that.

 

On 6/5/2020 at 6:19 AM, nospam99 said:

Just a couple of days ago, I got a ''Sorry, but I'm not interested.'' on OLD. To me, that's fine and way better than ghosting. OLD messaging is not dating. For dating, I also prefer straight, open communication. I don't ask for explanations. If the woman who wants to stop dating me wants to provide an explanation, it's not necessary, nevertheless greatly appreciated, AND assumed to be a white lie.

@nospam, lol I meant it in a good way! Like if all men responded like this^, life would be so grand. 

Instead of throwing tantrums, bombarding me with emotional and ego-driven texts, screaming at me in parking lots, lol. 

I'm sure you can understand.  

But I'm wondering, how else in your mind could I have meant it?  

I think your post was a bit tongue n cheek, but still curious, care to share?  😛

Edited June 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[nospam99]

@poppy. Yes, tongue in cheek. The other way all men could be like me would be if they were as wonderful and desirable as I am. I don't joke as often as I could on LS. But some straight lines, like yours, are too good to pass up.

[Haydn]

Just say, `It was the sexual tension` `I felt tense you felt horny` Then thank him for playing a small passing role in your life.

[Pulasari]

Hi @deepthinking

I just experienced myself... you could say "my first direct rejection", 3 weeks ago. Haha. (not really an expert on this, but just sharing my little experience that I have).

I don't really go around and I was just focusing on her. The day that I confessed my feelings, she mentioned that she was not ready for any serious relationship, and wanted to rediscuss with me on this matter once the border's open (she was 6000km away).

But I took it as her kind way of saying she was not interested for a relationship with me apart from just being friend for now (it was understandable, but maybe I was hoping for something more than that, and I guess I was moving too fast. Nvm... it was already in the past).

My point is, I think that, being definitive and straight forward would be best (for someone like me), because it wouldn't let someone's waiting/overthinking etc. It was a mental puzzle for me for the first week (had help from here. Thank you guys).

Vagueness has its advantages, again depending on the person. I read in some articles that, if someone who prefers order and predictability, prefer a straight no. I struggled because I couldn't get my answers, and it was like she was giving me some "hope". I had some hard time moving on, thinking that I should wait for her etc.

In contrast, people who are more open minded, and not so preoccupied with order, are comfortable with ambiguity and are better able to cope with not achieving a "definitive" closure.

So, in conclusion, men should be able to learn to accept rejectionq, but... women, do (out of courtesy, even though you're not obliged) do it in a way that soften the blow.

Cheers ~

[Mrin]

On 6/11/2020 at 5:12 AM, d0nnivain said:

Keep it vague but clear. 

Thanks but I'm not interested.  

You're a great guy but I'm not feeling it. 

There are reasons these are cliches.  They work!  You want the person to know it's a rejection but you can't get too specific lest they offer to change or refute your assertion.  

This. 100%. This is all that you owe them. 

Their reaction is their own business. Some men will react appropriately. Some won't. Those that don't would react the same way no matter what you said. Don't try to solve their own issues. Be clear. Be concise. And it isn't a discussion. It is an informing. Period.