life with a broken man

[hangingonbyathread]

Trying to make a long story short ...

I have been in a relationship with my SO for 8 years,  but we had been aquainted since our early twenties, and good friends for about 3-4 years prior to the beginning of our relationship.

Although I knew he had issues before our relationship started, I never knew the true depth of them and the absolute potential of emotional damage that they would cause.  Fast forward 8 years later, after him starting anger management therapy which I had been begging him to do and finally gave an ultimatum, since it got to the point of him just being so hurtful and ugly to myself and my daughter (13) and the family dynamic just falling apart, me never knowing what the next day would be like, wondering if my life is ever going to feel ok, will I ever feel valued... as I am writing this, I answer things for myself and I know I should be setting stronger boundries, and I do try, but I just feel so beat down. I know I could tell him to move, and he would because thats how he operates, cut off the nose to spite the face, and despite his words We are intermitently disposable, he tries and fails constantly...  mostly because I think he evades things so much does not sit with the pain that is caused by his doing so he can actually feel it and make appropriate changes because he cares enough to do it. It sucks, many of these men are good men but their childhood and subsequent adulthood behaviors have just taken a huge part of them  ruined the life they so desperatly want.

 I have been dedicated to him during his start with anger therapy and knowing full well that things can get worse before theyre better  and I have been there on some of his darkest days, and its not like he hasnt been there for me, as well as my children, but emotionally hes just checked out.

The things I've mentioned aren't even close to all of the details and references of downright cruel behavior, deceit, table turning, gas lighting and self serving tactics that he employs, but  I needed to start somewhere, I needed to just vent and let it all out. For personal reasons I don't talk to my friends at Great length meaning I don't bash him, I might say that I'm frustrated with him or things are a little rough but I just don't let it out to really anyone.

I just feel like he doesnt really have consequences for his hurtful ways, hes all words and little action, I mean he does stuff for the family, he qorks on things needing attention, but he works on ANYTHING but his relationship, and I dont think he knows how, its pathetic to witness, and Im broke down and watching it.

I'm truly sorry if this post doesn't make a lot of sense,  and is all over the place I'm just stuck and hurt 😞

[mark clemson]

It sounds to me like you're in an abusive relationship, maybe not to a criminal level, but emotionally abusive. IMO, probably the best thing to do would be to end it if you feel you can do so safely. Perhaps this escalated slowly and so you were like the metaphorical frog in the pot of boiling water? Consider also whether you're setting a healthy example for your daughter by remaining and tolerating what you describe.

[ShyViolet]

You cannot and will not change him.  Why are you staying in a toxic relationship?  

[Redhead14]

Who is more broken, OP?  Him or you for tolerating it and staying for so long?  You are trying to change him/expecting him to change and you've taken upon yourself to push him to do what needs to be done at your own significant expense.  When a relationship drains a partner, it's time to boogie on down the road.  In your case, it's past that time.  You have kids too?  They should be your #1 priority.  It's not right to put them in this mix.  The environment/tension, etc. must be hard on them too. 

[hangingonbyathread]

On 6/5/2020 at 8:18 PM, mark clemson said:

It sounds to me like you're in an abusive relationship, maybe not to a criminal level, but emotionally abusive. IMO, probably the best thing to do would be to end it if you feel you can do so safely. Perhaps this escalated slowly and so you were like the metaphorical frog in the pot of boiling water? Consider also whether you're setting a healthy example for your daughter by remaining and tolerating what you describe.

 I  believe that there is a lot of Truth here. I have thought these things quite a few times but was always trying to figure out the best way to and things, or have him do what he needed to do and if we could be here for each other at the end of it then that was meant to be. And it would seem like things would change up just enough, or honestly I would be questioning if I really had more to do with the wrong part of things and I was admitting to myself. This was something that I realized a little later in the relationship, that he set me up for, not necessarily on purpose,  I wholeheartedly believe that he doesn't plan and do all of these things on purpose. I think he loses control, beats himself up, definitely will take it out on me and he knows that I'll be here. I just never thought a man like him would take advantage of that, especially after all we had been through.

 I definitely have explained more things to my daughter about what has been happening to him,  more in the recent years, because she will ask. I don't trash him I tell her that it's been this huge learning curve and it's just taking longer because there were a lot of things to get through. It just sucks when you're with someone like this because you want to be by their side because you know they know and when they start getting help it gets worse sometimes before it gets better. I know I could do this on my own, like, I always figure things out,  I just feel like I just don't know how anymore.

It's also a little more tricky because he is involved in my business and is an integral part. This whole thing is just going to take some serious finagling if I am to start walking this path alone. I didn't mention this earlier because I didn't want to paint a different picture of who he was because he has some physical issues that happened over this past 5 years. He has been a type 1 since he was very young, and two years ago he lost his leg above the knee, which has made an angry man even more angry at different times. He's had a lot of things happen to him but he had this anger well before that. That's why I didn't really mention this because it doesn't change all the things that he did before he lost it and it doesn't really change how he's treating me now. It's just another difficult  caveat. I just dream of a Time that I have a true partner, and I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but I think,  what did I do to deserve this? What is God trying to show me through this? What?

 

Thanks again thanks again for Reading and Responding 🙂

Edited June 8, 2020 by hangingonbyathread
doubled words showed up

[hangingonbyathread]

On 6/6/2020 at 12:53 AM, ShyViolet said:

You cannot and will not change him.  Why are you staying in a toxic relationship?  

 I'm really not sure I'm really not sure why I have stayed this long. I know that I love him with my whole heart, and despite his illness, I know that he loves me the same.  I did talk with a therapist for about 6 months a year ago or so, and I remember him looking at me and asking me if I thought that he was actually capable of doing this some of the things that I needed him to do in the relationship? Frankly, I don't think he is capable he has been trying to learn empathy for a while along with many other things and when we have arguments I asked him different pointed questions about his ability even rationalize certain things and it seems as soon as truth hits he just figuratively runs away. It's like he sets fires and then hides. Anyway I don't think he really knows what love is supposed to look like, I don't think he's ever really seen in the example growing up.

 Thanks for thanks for taking the time to reply to my post 🙂

[ShyViolet]

7 minutes ago, hangingonbyathread said:

 I'm really not sure I'm really not sure why I have stayed this long. I know that I love him with my whole heart, and despite his illness, I know that he loves me the same.  I did talk with a therapist for about 6 months a year ago or so, and I remember him looking at me and asking me if I thought that he was actually capable of doing this some of the things that I needed him to do in the relationship? Frankly, I don't think he is capable he has been trying to learn empathy for a while along with many other things and when we have arguments I asked him different pointed questions about his ability even rationalize certain things and it seems as soon as truth hits he just figuratively runs away. It's like he sets fires and then hides. Anyway I don't think he really knows what love is supposed to look like, I don't think he's ever really seen in the example growing up.

 Thanks for thanks for taking the time to reply to my post 🙂

You have some very unhealthy and dysfunctional patterns of behavior.  You're making an awful lot of excuses for him.  This is a toxic, abusive relationship and there's no salvaging it.  The sensible thing to do would be to leave.  And then get yourself some therapy to learn to make better choices in the future.

[hangingonbyathread]

You know, you are so right you know, you are so right, I am broken, that's the only thing that would explain why I would be such a glutton for punishment, and why I keep setting boundaries that I allowed to be obliterated.

It is definitely a fine line of being an example that you do go through rough seasons in relationships, and when someone desperately needs help you stick by them.  Your relationship and they are not disposable. Now with that said, there are many times that it has gone too far and came across the lines of normalcy with that kind of thing. I always tried to find some balance, I always tried to Shield my girls from certain things. My youngest daughter 14 would spend a week at her dad's every other week so it was easier to hide some of the things that I was enduring. I can only explain it like this, you're in a really, really long checkout line and you have this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to buy this thing in your cart that you just do not want to put back, like you're so excited, you've been in line for an hour and a half and you're almost three-quarters of the way up the line. You know it's going to be another hour though,  but then you say to yourself ... I've waited all this time and I am almost there,  and I made the choice to stand in the line in the first place and devoted my time to this and I only have a little bit more to go compared to where I was,  and do I really turn around now at this point? It's kind of like that,  at least that's how I feel.

He has made some changes, and I know that he's trying but sadly he's miserably failing,  and isn't very consistent. He does give a lot of himself but then he completely undoes it by what he serves up to me. I just wish I knew how much longer it could possibly take. There's just a lot of connected things that I would have to figure out some creative ways to redo if we split.

 I appreciate you taking the time to read and answer my post 🙂

 

[Dexterr]

Please get your daughter out of there.

[spiderowl]

What you seem to be saying is that you keep hoping that it will get better, but that it is one step forward and one step backwards.

You are having to hide his behaviour from your child and your family - that shows it is not satisfactory or desirable behaviour.  Ask yourself why you are still covering for him.

At what point do your feelings matter?  You consider his feelings, his attempts, his failures, his suffering - does he think at all about what he is putting you through?  You are wasting all your energy on this guy because you have invested so much and do not want to give up on him when things might just work out.  At the moment, they are not working out.  They have not been working out for a long time.

It is hard to give up what you know.  It is a scary feeling - the new, the possible, change.  When will you give up on him - when the pain outweighs the benefits?  What benefits are you getting now?

You have tried, you have supported him, you have put up with his behaviour.  You should not have to 'put up' with things any longer.  You should not have to hide the awful truth from your family and child.  You could be free of this and looking forward instead of trying to push a boulder up a hill - which is what I feel you are trying to do.

What are your feelings at present, if you are honest with yourself.  I am not asking what you think but what you feel.  What feelings are running through your body.  What do you think they are trying to tell you?

 

 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This sounds almost so identical to my sister's life I could swear it's her except for your different (than hers) writing style and kids' gender/ages.  

It's a very hard way to live, this cycle of peace and upheaval, always on eggshells and getting blamed for everything.  And it's not great for kids to have to experience either, especially if one (or both) of them is also experiencing the wrath.  

Do you feel your SO genuinely recognizes something is wrong with him and wants to actually get help?  Or is he holding on to his past resentments and anger like a security blanket?