The best way to get over a breakup in lockdown is....

[twatwa123]

Yesterday I was dumped by my girlfriend of 3 months.
It was a long distance relationship. She was supposed to be (and still is I think) moving to my town on 1st of June. I did not ask her to be my girlfriend until Valentines Day. We’d been dating since September last year. For 3 days a month we would meet up at various places, the distance between our towns was about 150 miles. When we were together everything was great. There were no issues whatsoever between us.
However she cited my recent pessimism and negativity as the main reason for dumping me. She was trying this year to go to uni but gave up because she was stressed. When she told me she wouldn’t get into uni after she cancelled the interview I had thought she didn’t get in because she couldn’t afford it (she’s Portuguese and been in the UK 2.5 years) and doesn’t qualify for the maintenance money until January. She says she spent all night crying as she was so disappointed and I According to her was just negative about it.
I can only do so much from 150 miles away, I can not hug her etc, but I said I’m sorry she didn’t get in and that she will get in next year, and I offered my help with the interview but she didn’t want any help. I felt a bit crap through the process of her applying for uni because I felt I wasn’t there to help. I couldn’t help fill out forms et c. There have also been issues with me worrying over when and where she’s going to move to because it has changed many times,

Virtually all of my negativity and pessimism has started since the lockdown. I last saw her on the Thursday before the lockdown was officially introduced. In this time I can’t work (furloughed)with a very uncertain job future, I can’t see my elderly nan who lives across the road from me, I can’t see my friends, I’m worrying about the future of this country, and I’m worrying about catching Covid. etc. Like for many people it is extremely hard. For my now ex GF her life has pretty much been normal as she could work. And while I have been sitting at home all day with things playing on my mind I guess some of it has taken its toll on our LDR. When I’m around people, including now ex, I am generally a happy go lucky person, and the EX is the only one who thinks I’m negative.

I have apologised to her and said that we have come so far and so close to her moving so that we could have a proper relationship, and that I am shocked and saddened she’s thrown in the towel just days before she was going to move. As I said above, we never argue in person, and we always enjoy each other 100% of the time. I explained to her that this lockdown is affecting me and that it is always easier to talk in person, and weeks and weeks of texts and calls is not a replacement for physical contact and interaction. I explained that I have done this for eight months because I really liked her (she was originally going to move in January, even in Jan the distance was extremely hard) but I stuck at it because I saw a future with her and I was looking forward to each new day being a day nearer her finally moving. Now we’ve got to near the finish line and my dream of her moving to my town to have a relationship with me has been wrecked.



My family think she’s a lovely person and can not understand why she will not at least consider keeping things going until she moves and has a chance to talk to me in person.

I realise it hasn’t been easy for either of us, and we’ve both said things we don’t mean, but she’s adamant we’re suddenly finished for good. She has gone as far as (apparently) removing me from Facebook, this is after I decided to quit it for good after she dumped me.

We had a quick call last night where I tried to understand what was happening, I said to her that I never saw her as a friend, at which point she said “we talk later” which we never did. She sent me a snotty message on WhatsApp saying “today is the last day we talk, bye” and that was that. When I said I never saw her as a friend, I think this means she thinks this is negative . Maybe there is a language barrier issue too. I never had friend feelings for her, only “those” feelings for more than that.


There is nothing more I can do to try and get her to change her mind it would seem

What can I do to get over this shocking, sudden and traumatic event? I’ve been through previous breakups where I’ve been able to see friends and do things. Now I have nothing. Going for walks will not help. I have been walking round the same streets for 2 months.

Edit:

i sent her this final message on WhatsApp 

i will miss you and I hope you get what you want in life. I hope you can attend university next year and complete your nursing degree in double quick time which I’m sure you will. 
I can’t believe this has happened and I’m in complete shock that you are giving up on this relationship. I could have given this up months ago, already I was finding the distance hard. I stuck at it because I like you and wanted a long lasting relationship with you. Now to me it seems you are giving up just days before you were supposed to move. I gave you eight months which was a very hard thing to do considering your original plan was to move in January. I am sorry that I have been so negative and not supportive enough. I understand how it has made you feel, and like I said I’m sure things would be much different when we could see each other again, and a real relationship could’ve commenced as it is very hard to keep up via messages and calls. I haven’t seen you for eight weeks. 
if you thought that much of me I would have hoped you could give it at least a few more weeks until you were living this way when things could have been a lot easier. 
please take care of yourself as I still care about you and if you want to re consider things I am here. Love from ____ 

 

she has read this message and not even acknowledged it.


I am sorry if most of this post is waffle, I need to let it out somewhere.



Thank You.

 

 

i will also add that not one of my friends or colleagues thinks i am a negative person and that generally I am a happy, optimistic person. They can’t all be wrong can they? 
I have noticed that people are more snappy and unmotivated as they have nothing to do but sit at home!

Edited May 15, 2020 by twatwa123

[turokturok5]

I feel for you. I don't know what you should do, I just want to let you know that you're not alone. Lockdown has caused my partner to give up on the relationship as well because she doesn't think I love her. Like you I had become a bit pessimistic about my job future and found that not being able to see eachother had put a strain on the relationship, but was sure that it would be back to normal once we could resume seeing eachother physically and returning to all the activities we did together pre lockdown. You and I understand that things seemed perfectly normal pre-lockdown, that this pandemic is something that has never happened before and it is putting a lot of strain on some relationships. But we're optimistic that things would return to normal once lockdown ended. It's confusing that our partners don't have the same view and appear to have just given up. I wish I could give you the answers as I'm looking for them as well. All I can really say is that I hope your partner realizes that these are not normal times, a lot of people aren't thinking clearly and I hope she comes to her senses

[Realitysux]

1 hour ago, twatwa123 said:

Was in LDR for 8 months. 

She was gonna finally move to my hometown in June after it was originally planned to be in January. We had been dating since September last year 

 

two days before the breakup we were looking at properties for her in my hometown. She was gonna move June 1st. She was telling me she missed me and couldn’t wait to come and stay in my home again 

 

we then had a small falling out over her accusing me of being negative and me not supporting her through her failed uni bid (I did try and help but she told me she didn’t want to talk about it, and that when she moved she can think clearer and be happy) 

we haven’t seen each other for 2 months because of lockdown. 

Im out of work and can’t anyone or do anything so things have played on my line and she knew this 

 

she dumped me, didn’t talk to me about it and sent me a snotty final message saying “today was the last day we talk bye” and has since deleted me from absolutely everything.

 

my friends and family are all completely shocked and confused by what has happened and none of it makes sense to anyone 

 

how am I supposed to get over this? 

 

Seeing her her and the day she was going to move is all that’s been on my mind and all that I’ve been looking forward to for 8-9 months. 

 

 

First of all , that dump is very immature. It's sounds like it's new and it takes time after a break up to realize that it is the over. When you realize it is over then you can accept that what you built up in your head is what you are mourning and the things we build up in our head, it's better then the reality, and can be harder to grieve. My suggestion would be to find something else to look forward too. For me, I'm looking forward to shopping today and hitting the country club tomorrow. I am going to move and change my entire life style from the past few years. I know I'll start to feel better and then I'll get some therapy and start dating again. Honestly, if she dumped you then you can let her have the dump and move on without her. When feelings are involved it's not easy to just turn them off but the more you are holding on to this person, you are taking away from your own life that deserves it more then she does. 

[TeddyBundy1993]

Oh boy that's very cruel of her to play in love till lsst moment and then all of sudden pulling the trigger out of nowhere. These days women are getting cruel day by day. Well I know it's a shock for you and its pathetic and heartless from her side. Be sure she was planning it in advance. She has left with you nothing and I know it hurts every second of the day.  

Just know its not your fault.  No one is perfect and can be supporting at every second of the day especially during this pandemic.  She just needed something to blame, this is just classic way of dumpers to blame shift on dumpee. It's a selfish move but very common.  You surely seems to be invested in this girl, but you have no option rather than to move on.  Good thing she did is to leave you alone, and not extended your pain by being there as a "friend ". 

Grieve and you'll get out of it. It's all about getting the other person out of your system  it can take few months. We all have been there, but consider this a low point in your life. Life have much to offer you.  Be sure to stay no contact with this heartless crazy person.. shes gone and now you put your stamp of past on it

[schlumpy]

I can read you are willing to take her back under any condition. It's absolutely wrong for you but probably right for her.

When someone uses email to breakup then your only hope and defense is indifference. The hope is that she will feel your indifference and wonder if she left something behind that she had missed.

The defense is that you won't have to look back on this from the future and dislike who you were.

So you will always be there for her? Will you be waiting at the Abbey? What if she spends a year running with a biker gang. Welcome her home then?

Display some strength. You message should have said "Whatever." The next morning all her memorabilia should have been delivered to her home by express mail. All means of contact through social media and phone numbers - purged.

Don't follow her social media accounts and if you have common friends explain to them if they wish to stay friends they don't talk about her to you or you to her. 

Then you date and wait. If she wants to come back in the future and you still want her then make it on your terms. She no longer has control of the relationship.

[Rex12]

Hey OP, it's well documented - or at least it should be - getting dumped in the 'honeymoon' stage can be a lot more difficult to deal with than if you had been involved in an LTR. All the unanswered 'what if's' can be torture.

It sounds like maybe you were on different wavelengths. Don't be down on yourself for that though. It's happened to all of us. You read the signs, you get a sense of how someone is feeling by their actions, a depth of feeling has been established to weather some stormy weather that may come your way, everything's going great then hey presto, sorry, it was fun, but the ride is over, goodbye. Bewildering.

Maybe the lockdown, her university troubles and the long distance nature of your relationship was just too much for her to deal with in the end. All of those things are outside of your control. Don't torment yourself on how you could have done things differently. 

With regards your last message, I totally get it. It's definitely worth telling her how you feel, you never know what the future holds and you've told her your door is open - at least for a little while. That thought of 'if she just sees me one more time, I know it will all be different' is a difficult one to shake, but for now, leave it alone and start to focus on your life post lockdown. You'll be ok. Good luck.

 

[twatwa123]

Heard from her....

 

she has feelings for me. Didn’t want to talk on the phone. (However much it hurts her, it hurts me more)

told  me that she wanted to be with god and that she wants someone who loves god like she does 

 

if religion is a deal breaker surely she should have talked about this before agreeing to be my girlfriend?! To me it’s not important what my s/o believes so long as she is able to be with me and accept mine like I’d accept hers

but to suddenly bring it up two weeks before she was gonna move....wow. She was serious about moving and she does like and have feelings for me. 
 

this who situation is utterly dumbfounding

 

[assertives]

Maybe she just found God recently? Or she had a new conviction recently. Especially now during lockdown, alot of distractions are gone, nothing to do, no one to see, no place to go. People start questioning what is life and it's not uncommon to discover or rediscover God during such a time like this. If she has decided that religion is a deal-breaker, there's nothing you can do.

Also, plans and intentions are good, but sometimes, people realise that it's not what they really wanted when push comes to shove and that moving, uprooting herself from the life, family and friends she has and knows to move to another city or country to start over for someone she's has only known for less than a year is perhaps not such a good idea after all.

Edited May 21, 2020 by assertives

[twatwa123]

4 hours ago, assertives said:

Maybe she just found God recently? Or she had a new conviction recently. Especially now during lockdown, alot of distractions are gone, nothing to do, no one to see, no place to go. People start questioning what is life and it's not uncommon to discover or rediscover God during such a time like this. If she has decided that religion is a deal-breaker, there's nothing you can do.

Also, plans and intentions are good, but sometimes, people realise that it's not what they really wanted when push comes to shove and that moving, uprooting herself from the life, family and friends she has and knows to move to another city or country to start over for someone she's has only known for less than a year is perhaps not such a good idea after all.

She’s been religious since she was a teenager and is 27 now. So God is not new to her 

I must have told her before that I am not a religious person. 

During lockdown we were both getting wound up by each other and we both said things we probably didn’t mean. It is my life that has come to a halt. Her life has continued as normal as it can, as she still works. And doesn’t really socialise outside of work.

she has failed to get into university near year, something she really hoped to do, and her home life with her aunt and her boyfriend was not good, and she was constantly complaining about her job 

She told me yesterday that all of this is her mistake, her problem, and that she is sorry. And that she is hurting too. It’s Like she had a moment of madness,  regrets dumping me but can’t do anything about it. So, she said, she wants to be with God now. 

She had every intention of moving to my town. I met her on a night out here. She was on holiday, checking the place out as she wanted to live here or near here.

[assertives]

If she is religious and you are not, chances are, she cannot date someone not of her faith. Perhaps in the beginning, she thought it doesn't matter, but later realised it's not such a good idea after all. Yes, she may have feelings for you still, but obviously, she is having second thoughts about moving and continue dating you.

Like I said, if religion is a deal-breaker, there's nothing you can do. You've only been together for 3 months long distance, so you both hardly know each other enough or deeply. Perhaps, she probably realised that she didn't give things enough thought back then especially when things are supposedly still in the "honeymoon period".

[twatwa123]

9 hours ago, assertives said:

If she is religious and you are not, chances are, she cannot date someone not of her faith. Perhaps in the beginning, she thought it doesn't matter, but later realised it's not such a good idea after all. Yes, she may have feelings for you still, but obviously, she is having second thoughts about moving and continue dating you.

Like I said, if religion is a deal-breaker, there's nothing you can do. You've only been together for 3 months long distance, so you both hardly know each other enough or deeply. Perhaps, she probably realised that she didn't give things enough thought back then especially when things are supposedly still in the "honeymoon period".

Early on in the dating stage (last September) we talked religion and she said she’d prefer someone her own faith BUT it’s ok as she won’t force religion into me, and that if I ever did turn to it She’d be there to help me. I told her I wasn’t religious. And in the 30 or more full days that we spent together since last September she never got religious with me. 

 

shes had a tough life and turned to religion for this reason. Life has gotten tough for her again, and in a moment of madness that she now regrets and can’t do anything about, dumped me. Maybe it’s a case of this is what she does when life gets a little tough, and the distance meant I never got to see any of this. She has family issues, work issues, and uni issues. This whole dumping thing came about after we were both wound up by each other, after not seeing each other for over eight weeks because of the lockdown in the uk. In most adult couples they would be able to work around this and come out stronger the other side. 
 

we are both sad and upset by this situation but I must (and she) move on.
 

[twatwa123]

This is a a continuation of another thread of mine, hope it's allowed! 

 

 

Can anyone make sense of this?

 

Dumped 9 days ago. Was in a Long Distance relationship with a girl for 9 months.

 

The official reason for her dumping me were 1. Religion 2. My negativity

 

She was due to move to my hometown in ten days time. (Yes she was serious about it as she was looking at flats to rent and applying for jobs)

 

In the last couple of weeks of our time together we had a couple of arguments over minor things, we hadn’t seen each other for eight weeks, and we are both stressed. She is stressed over moving, her home life, disappointment of not getting into uni this September; and I am stressed about covid, the fact I have not seen her for so long, the fact I am furloughed and can’t work, can’t see anyone, etc and it’s driving me crazy. Most couples would have gotten through this but not us

 

1-2 days before the breakup she told me how much she misses me, can’t wait to see me, wants to have sex with me etc, and was phoning landlords to inquire about renting flats in my hometown

 

Then the religion part: She sent me a video of a pastor preaching positivity and I said it does nothing for me as I’m not religious. This was the tipping points and she dumped me the next day, also citing negativity over various things over the last 2 Months. (Since the lockdown)

 

I will add that I am not a negative person, I was never negative With her in person, and not one friend, family member, or colleague thinks I am a negative person

 

So she’s an evangelical and has been since her teens. She knows I’m not religious. We talked about religion after we first met and she said she’d prefer someone that shares her own faith but that she can’t force her faith onto me and that it’s up to each individual to decide on what they believe. So it wasn’t a deal breaker for her. I also said that I’d be happy for my children to be raised into her religion if that compromise needed to be made, as eventually the children will have a mind of their own and decide for themselves what they want to believe. This was the only time we discussed religion until she dumped me

 

The dumping was done via a few long texts, I did try to call her and talk after but was cut off and told we’d talk later which we never did

 

Shocked and confused (as are my friends and family as it makes no sense to them either) I messaged her on Facebook three days ago asking for a call to discuss what’s happened and to get some answers. She never called but got a couple of messages saying that she is sad too but we need to move on with our lives. She said she is sorry, that she caused this problem and this is her mistake. (Like she regrets dumping me) but that she wants to be with God now and how she now wants someone by her side that loves god as much or more than She does.

 

None of this breakup makes any sense to anyone apart from her.

 

It’s such a sudden flip, like a light switch going from on to off

 

I can’t even get angry at the girl as i liked her too much, even the crying has stopped for 48hrs!

 

 

Getting angry at her would help me. To move on, how do i get angry? Right now I feel nothing but numbness and occasional tears 

[elaine567]

33 minutes ago, twatwa123 said:

None of this breakup makes any sense to anyone apart from her.

It makes complete sense to me.
Religion is a huge thing and whilst she was prepared to put up with your non religious stance, she likely realised it was never going to work out.
She now realises  she wants to share her life with a guy who is as religious as she is, and that is not you.

The lockdowns have given a lot of people time to think and whilst you may not think you were being negative, you did say the situation was driving you crazy and she may have just  got fed up of your "craziness".
But i guess religion was the main driving factor.

[twatwa123]

20 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

It makes complete sense to me.
Religion is a huge thing and whilst she was prepared to put up with your non religious stance, she likely realised it was never going to work out.
She now realises  she wants to share her life with a guy who is as religious as she is, and that is not you.

The lockdowns have given a lot of people time to think and whilst you may not think you were being negative, you did say the situation was driving you crazy and she may have just  got fed up of your "craziness".
But i guess religion was the main driving factor.

Whilst I agree with some of your post, it's the sudden Ness of the breakup which I do not understand 

 

The day before the dumping she was wanting me the next dumping me

 It's not like she had a few days of no communication to think about things. 

 

When we were together in person, religion was never brought up. How can is suddenly turn into such a deal breaker over night? We shared the same life goals and we are similar people. 

She told me she is sad too as is sorry for this mistake and problem caused.. Like she regrets dumping me 

 

She hasn't become more religious in our time together... 

Edited May 23, 2020 by twatwa123

[elaine567]

Like most dumpings they never happen overnight, the thinking and planning may take weeks or months or even years...
It is very common for the dumper to become very affectionate or act completely normal just before they pull the plug, I believe it is a last ditch attempt to try to feel something.
Often there is a last straw event too and that was probably that video in your case.
She gave you a chance to respect her religion and to cure your negativity. You threw it back in her face.
She didn't like that and ended it.
Religion I guess was always the deal breaker but she made you a special case until she couldn't do it any more.

[twatwa123]

22 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Like most dumpings they never happen overnight, the thinking and planning may take weeks or months or even years...
It is very common for the dumper to become very affectionate or act completely normal just before they pull the plug, I believe it is a last ditch attempt to try to feel something.
Often there is a last straw event too and that was probably that video in your case.
She gave you a chance to respect her religion and to cure your negativity. You threw it back in her face.
She didn't like that and ended it.
Religion I guess was always the deal breaker but she made you a special case until she couldn't do it any more.

I guess so yes. 

Yeah, she did mention my negativity a couple of times, but I tried to explain to her the situation! I think everyone is a bit stressed at the moment, and me and her not seeing each other for so long really didn't help the situation! 

The video was probably the last straw. 

 

But then I don't get why she would tell me she is sorry for this mistake and problem and that it is her fault? 

[d0nnivain]

The move made it real.  It was a life building thing.  She realized her religious beliefs which you don't share were more important to her then she realized.  Religion also became a convenient excuse.  

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, twatwa123 said:

But then I don't get why she would tell me she is sorry for this mistake and problem and that it is her fault?

She probably feels guilty for stringing you along knowing that religion was always going to be a problem at some point.

[twatwa123]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

The move made it real.  It was a life building thing.  She realized her religious beliefs which you don't share were more important to her then she realized.  Religion also became a convenient excuse.  

The move is still happening as far as I know.

She is 27, she should have been more mature and realized her religion was so important in a match before I asked her to be my girlfriend on Valentines Day. We had been seeing each other since September last year. 

[twatwa123]

Just now, elaine567 said:

She probably feels guilty for stringing you along knowing that religion was always going to be a problem at some point.

Yeah possibly. 

I mean, it would really help if I got angry at her, as this would help me to move on past this and stop thinking about her. 

But I can't do that right now. And I'm too caring, wondering how she is feeling etc. 

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, twatwa123 said:

The move is still happening as far as I know.

She is 27, she should have been more mature and realized her religion was so important in a match before I asked her to be my girlfriend on Valentines Day. We had been seeing each other since September last year. 

I didn't think about compatibility issues long term like religion until I was thinking about marrying somebody.  Never mattered what religion a BF was.  

[twatwa123]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She probably feels guilty for stringing you along knowing that religion was always going to be a problem at some point.

I would also add that she seemed like an extremely thoughtful and caring person, and that surely if religion is so important to you you'd know if it was a deal breaker from the start? Like, we met on Badoo. Not exactly the place for religious people. 

All the others she's met before haven't been religious either, as far as I'm aware. She had one other LDR which went on for 3 years, but the guy cheated on her so she dumped him. 

[twatwa123]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I didn't think about compatibility issues long term like religion until I was thinking about marrying somebody.  Never mattered what religion a BF was.  

Well, me and my ex did talk about deal breakers and compatibility issues at the start, we were both looking for a serious long term relationship.

She's always wanted to live in or near my town anyway, which is what made me do the distance thing in the first place. Even though the distance was hard for me I stuck at it, then she dumps me two weeks before she's meant to move!

 

A very tough pill to swallow! 

[elaine567]

I think those of us who aren't particularly religious, don't think about or care about religion in a partner but for people who take their faith seriously then it can be a big deal.
They are usually part of a bigger community and  a close family and that can sway their choices too.
 

[elaine567]

"Making it real" can often be a very precarious time for an LDR.