The best way to get over a breakup in lockdown is....

[preraph]

I just think she decided this was too big of a step for her to take moving to where you are to be with you. Will she move anyway? Let us know when you find out. 

 

If she's an Evangelical or a fundamentalist of any ilk whatsoever, anyone who isn't is a deal-breaker to her. I'm not saying that's right. I grew up in a community of fundamentalists and I think they have big problems and that them clinging to it is a sign of immaturity and inexperience and the brainwashing. But if they can't fix you they will not be happy about it. 

 

I hope she's young and it sounds like she is because she could still grow out of it. She needs to get out into a bigger world and see that the whole world doesn't center around her idea of religion.

 

 

[twatwa123]

Such a big deal it takes her almost 9 months to decide that I am not religious enough for her...

I reckon her family have helped sway her too 

[twatwa123]

Just now, preraph said:

I just think she decided this was too big of a step for her to take moving to where you are to be with you. Will she move anyway? Let us know when you find out. 

 

If she's an Evangelical or a fundamentalist of any ilk whatsoever, anyone who isn't is a deal-breaker to her. I'm not saying that's right. I grew up in a community of fundamentalists and I think they have big problems and that them clinging to it is a sign of immaturity and inexperience and the brainwashing. But if they can't fix you they will not be happy about it. 

 

I hope she's young and it sounds like she is because she could still grow out of it. She needs to get out into a bigger world and see that the whole world doesn't center around her idea of religion.

 

 

As far as I know she's moving, like, she handed in her notice at work almost a month ago. Like I said, she wants to live near the sea, and I don't think it was a too big a step for her, because of how serious she was taking it. At no point did I think that she wouldn't move. She was inquiring about flats to rent and applying for jobs here. She may move to the city which is a few miles away which is where we first met. Or she may not move at all, I will try and find out. 

She's from Portugal and evangelical but I knew this, she seemed to keep the religion to herself, never tried to convert or preach to me. She just knew I was "not religious" and accepted that. 

She is 27 and has been evangelical since she tried to commit suicide in her early teens, and it would seem that she turned to religion because she had nothing else to turn to. 

 

This what I don't get. She's clearly religious. And takes it seriously.Yet she knew I wasn't religious  from the start. She agreed to be my girlfriend. At no point did she stop and think about her religion then. But it comes to two weeks before she moves and she dumps me because I was cheesed off at a video she sent me (we had both been wound up by each other, most couples would just ignore it given the situation in the world) 

I wish she didn't see the world around her religion that's for sure. She does use religion to fit around her lifestyle choices. For example, she said that if she was a virgin she would choose to wait until marriage for sex. But continues to have sex outside of marriage anyway. 

 

I really need to get angry to try and get through this, but right now I can't. All I can think about is how she is feeling even though she dumped me, and what mistake she has made. (Self admitted) 

She clearly wants no more contact from me that is why she's muted me from messenger and told me to stop sending messages, as if we both continue to talk it will be harder for the both of us to get over what has happened. 

[preraph]

the fact that you just said she used to be suicidal makes me think she may be suicidal again because she has told you that she just wants to be with God now and that she may be suicidal because of her disappointment with her education. This is not your problem, but you might want to tip off her parents or whoever is in family that would look in on her. Although they could be the source of the problem for their reaction to her college disappointment.

 

I am not saying you should make a big deal about it because rewarding someone threatening suicide is not the right thing to do. But if she starts to seriously talk about it, you should just call the police so they can put her in treatment. before you even mention suicide I was wondering about that statement of hers about just wanting to be with God because to me that's what that means, that she wants to die. So she sounds kind of mentally ill. 

[twatwa123]

6 minutes ago, preraph said:

the fact that you just said she used to be suicidal makes me think she may be suicidal again because she has told you that she just wants to be with God now and that she may be suicidal because of her disappointment with her education. This is not your problem, but you might want to tip off her parents or whoever is in family that would look in on her. Although they could be the source of the problem for their reaction to her college disappointment.

 

I am not saying you should make a big deal about it because rewarding someone threatening suicide is not the right thing to do. But if she starts to seriously talk about it, you should just call the police so they can put her in treatment. before you even mention suicide I was wondering about that statement of hers about just wanting to be with God because to me that's what that means, that she wants to die. So she sounds kind of mentally ill. 

I very much doubt she is suicidal again. She was suicidal because she was bullied for half her school years (So was I but i never turned to suicide and religion!) and that the suicide attempt happened in her early teenage years as this was when she turned to religion. Her home life (with aunt and aunt bf) isn't great, she just kept telling me she wanted to move out and that she'd be happy when she was with me. I kept saying that it's OK to talk with me about her home problems (and uni disappointment) but on each occasion was told that she didn't want to talk about it. 

Her final message to me, was saying how she wanted (all of a sudden) someone who loves god as much or more than she does, that she wishes me all the best, and hopes that one day I will see the lord (or words to that effect) and realize that I will never be alone, scared etc, and that even though this may not mean much to me, it was her way of wishing me all the best. She said she would never forget me and will always remember me as her boyfriend. 

It was like, the most religious comment she'd ever made to me. 

My parents who met her a couple of times, and were always kept abreast of the goings on between us, don't believe that she truly wants someone as religious as her, and that this indeed a moment of madness from her that she knows can't be reverse and is turning to religion to help her through. Hence her mistake comment

Maybe she is mentally ill and I haven't detected it. We spent like 30-35 full days together. There were absolutely no problems whatsoever between us in this time, and I strongly believe that if I had been able to see her in April and May, we would still be together today. She was supposed to be coming to my town in these months to sort out accommodation and jobs, but couldn't thanks to the Covid. 

[schlumpy]

What are looking for? I know she said she would be your girlfriend but now she doesn't want to be. Doesn't the later statement have as much import as the former one?

Any relationship you are in is only as good as the moment.

This isn't an argument or fight you can get over, kiss and make-up. She's saying good bye in as nice a way as she can. It's very possible that after some time she will regret it. Other people have.

But she won't regret it if you keep hanging on or attempt to stalk her. Your continual attempts to get back into her life will only reaffirm her decision.

Your only option is to flush her out of your life and worship at the altar of indifference. 

[preraph]

I just think she's using her religion as a crutch especially after you telling me that that is all tied up with her earlier suicide ideation. I I think she just is kind of lost and can't depend on herself and maybe that's because of her bad upbringing but I don't know. It could be mental illness. 

 

Anyway she's using religion to justify what is going on, which the main part of that is something that's going on within herself and then it's spilling over onto you..

 

She just sounds lost and not mature and kind of brainwashed.. I think you're probably better off without her.

Edited May 23, 2020 by preraph

[twatwa123]

45 minutes ago, preraph said:

I just think she's using her religion as a crutch especially after you telling me that that is all tied up with her earlier suicide ideation. I I think she just is kind of lost and can't depend on herself and maybe that's because of her bad upbringing but I don't know. It could be mental illness. 

 

Anyway she's using religion to justify what is going on, which the main part of that is something that's going on within herself and then it's spilling over onto you..

 

She just sounds lost and not mature and kind of brainwashed.. I think you're probably better off without her.

I do believe she’s using religion as her saving grace, as far as I’m concerned you don’t just wake up one morning and decide your other half isn’t religious enough. I wouldn’t say she had a bad upbringing, but it was tough. Her dad moved to Brazil with a new bird. My ex stayed with a Brazilian family in Portugal and she spent a year living in her own. Her parents seem decent (at least in pictures, you get a vibe as to what they may be like) ... and my ex is a polite, caring and friendly person 

she was always buying me gifts and cards telling me how much he wanted to be with me for a long time...

mature? Definitely not. She didn’t even go through the breakup on the phone, she cut me off mid sentence after I called her after the breakup and she said we’d talk later which we never did. 
 

I need to get angry somehow over all this but I can’t. I feel sorry for her. 

Edited May 23, 2020 by twatwa123

[preraph]

You'll get angry. There's the different stages you go through. You may still be in denial and shock. 

[twatwa123]

11 minutes ago, preraph said:

You'll get angry. There's the different stages you go through. You may still be in denial and shock. 

Shock quite possibly, denial no. I know it’s over and we are not speaking again.

i kinda feel i go through all of the breakup stages in one day..😂... night is best when I feel over it all, but by morning everything is on my mind all over again

[twatwa123]

Well, as far as I can tell, she’s not even moving. 
ive found a couple more room advertisements on a few websites which were added 16 days ago, profile pics are of my and her. Two days later she dumps me. 

[twatwa123]

The tldr to this is, I was dumped by LDR girlfriend after 8-9 months, two weeks before she was moving to my town. She’s since moved to a town about 35 miles away. She dumped me because she suddenly decided, almost overnight, that she wanted someone who loves god as much or more than she does, this, despite never bringing up religion as a deal breaker, despite us talking about it after a few dates. Everything when we were physically together in person was fine.

 

anyway, to the point of this post, just how are you supposed to heal during lockdown?

I can’t go and socialise properly with friends, I can’t travel to different places (don’t own a car, public transport use discouraged unless essential journey)

I’ve been walking the same streets since mid March 

I have blocked all her social media.

I am extremely stressed and just want to cry, the tears are not really coming out and I feel like I want to get angry but can’t do that either. 

Do I go and find a rebound? What do I do?

 

i know time is a healer, but this is just awful.

Edited June 5, 2020 by twatwa123

[d0nnivain]

Break up recovery has a few universal steps. 

1.  Grieve.  You do get to mourn the loss of something you wanted.  Tears are cathartic.   But you only get a few days of this. 

2.  Do your best to surround yourself with supportive friends:  call them; zoom with them; so some safe social distancing 

3.  Keep a schedule & keep active.  Post break up is a great time to throw yourself into exercise both for the mindfulness aspects & the endorphins. 

4.  Box up the stuff. If you can't throw it out, box it all up & stuff it in the darkest part of your attic.  Tape it up all so that it's a p.i.t.a. to reopen.  Include the photos on a flash drive.  

5.  Redecorate, especially wherever you were when you used to talk / facetime.  Get a new mousepad  Move your desk.  Just make it different so you have fewer visual reminders.  

6.  Throw yourself into work or a hobby.  You want to distract your mind from thinking about the break up. 

Hang in there.  Time heals all wounds.  You will eventually be OK.  

[scooby-philly]

@twatwa123  - It sounds like you have a hard time letting yourself get emotional. A lot of men are like that as we're conditioned by society and media and social media to be "tough". So find a safe space - a bathtub or shower, your bedroom, somewhere out in nature close by - somehwere where you can get to once or twice a day and let it all out. A safe place where you can own and accept your emotions. Once you start doing that, find that ONE friend or family member, maybe a school mate (not sure your age), a co-worker - someone that really knows you, someone that wants nothing but the best for you, and someone that is level headed and unselfish when it comes to helping others (trust me, a lot of a people love to "help" to make themselves feel better or for another sick, twisted reason). And once you can open up to yourself you can find a way to open up to them. Show them the dirty, ugly, shameful, broken piece(s) of you. 

And then as @d0nnivain said - find ways to let your soul grow and your mind grow and your interests grow. In time, you'll look back and realize how much you changed.

 

One thing she didn't mention that's also important - write! Keep a journal. Don't like writing - type an email and send it yourself every day and save it in a folder in your email service. Can make a simple 5 point bulleted list - 1. Your great qualities 2. Your goals. 3. Your accomplishments. 4. What you want in a partner, 5. What was wrong with her and the relationship. Write that. Every day. Several times on the bad days. Don't skip a day. Force yourself till your tired of writing. Till your tired of it, especially #5. After 1,2,3 months of doing that you'll have a whole set of things to back to and read. It can help you discover things about yourself, provide new insights, etc. And if you really don't like writing, - try calling yourself and leaving a voicemail or find an app that records your voice on your phone and use that list and save the files. The point is to provide you a safe place to open up, a set list to respond to, and a way to reinforce some good things about yourself while processing the relationship and finding your own closure.

 

Stay strong and take care of yourself.