blindsided breakup ex gf came back after 'unit of time' - post specifically for guys in despair

[cubefish]

Based on a blindsided breakup experience initiated by a woman that occurred over the span of a short unit of time, but resulted in consequences over a long unit of time - during the hardest point of that unit of time, loveshack was a jump point for initial guidance.

 

In experiencing this specific situation, in retrospect there was a need for more nuanced information specifically for a man on the receiving end of a blindsided breakup, information that needs to be explained directly and precisely.

 

During the unit of time that I was trying to make sense of the blindsided breakup and trying to “win her back” I required information that sat somewhere in between “hard no contact”, “read this post and buy my course festooned with sexy girl add images” and some of the more negative toxic philosophies that are being kicked around for men by men (of which I don't want to list).

 

This post is specifically targeted around clear cut information I needed as a man for the unit of time in the lead up to the break up and the unit of time that followed soon after.  It is important to note and accept that I needed this information several years before even meeting her.

 

You need a break from thinking about her and relationships today.  Close this post and go and specifically watch the Robert McNamara - Fog of War documentary.  Relate your current situation to the themes outlined in the documentary, particularly the themes around Curtis Lemay (not the man, the theme)  There is a particular quote that is related by McNamara about Lemay that will crystalize the situation.

 

1.

She respects you.  The percentage of respect has changed.  This is not a binary number.  This is a slider with a button than can be moved left or right over a unit of time even if it currently sits at zero.  The button has read only/write only permissions.

You and her both have access to the button at different times, but not always at the same time and not always together.  You have access to the button through the information you have available to you during any unit of time.  The display status of the respect button on the dashboard is some unit of time behind where it actually sits in the present moment.

That is, you are working with a historical chart to make decisions and current state is not yet displayed, based on the depth of real time intimacy.  Put another way, the more distant or oblivious you were, the longer the unit of time it has been since she thought about leaving you versus the actual day she announces it to you.

It will almost certainly become obvious to you at some point in the future when in fact was that initial unit of time when she decided to leave you in her own mind, and the related sequence of actions based on your conduct.

It is important to note that the length of the slider (left to right, right to left) that the respect button sits on is specifically the timespan of your actual life (it may be short, it may be long this is an important concept for later).

 

2.

You are attracted to each other.  This is a slider with two buttons.  You control one button, she controls one button.  The buttons move independently of each other and the distance between the buttons on the slider keep changing.  The buttons don’t have to meet in the middle.  They can meet anywhere on the slider.

 

She cares about you.  This is her slider, she owns the button.  This is a read only button for you.

 

These three sliders, but specifically the respect slider, it cannot be stressed enough how important it is, it is not something that is full understood by you during the unit of time that was the relationship (specifically start of relationship to this day), respect is not always explained directly to you in words by her and perhaps there are times where she would be unable to articulate it beyond a vibe or a feeling.  But it is at her core.

 

It is important to note that today you have a small number of sliders and buttons on your own dashboard.  However it is important to note that her dashboard is different.  There are other sliders on her dashboard, the more refined as a woman she is, the more sliders she has.  This does not imply other men.

 

This implies all of her additional qualities over and above your own qualities based on her life experiences (for example, past relationships, travel, education, grooming, influence from family, friends, society etc etc) she may have more sliders than you, she may have hundreds of sliders more than you in the range up to the most sophisticated and desirable women in the world.

 

 

3.

Where you have failed is how you have conducted yourself over a unit of time.  Your conduct is an abstract thing, this is based on your own existing core beliefs and instantaneous flexibility of those core beliefs.

It is important to accept as a man that you are responsible for your conduct, but also you have the ability to change your conduct at any time and society will still accept you up to a point.

It is important to note that on your slider as a man, if you go too hard left on the slider, or too hard right on the slider, society as a whole has mechanisms in place to swiftly and impartially correct your behavior.  Other men that have already experienced blind sided breakups have comprehension of this.  It is likely they won't explain it to you beyond more than two sentences.  This is specifically from thousands of years of trial and error experienced by every other man of past existence at the macro level.

 

 

4.

It is most important to understand the key concept.  Based on your conduct as a man which is displayed and accumulated during the unit of time in the relationship that has now since passed, you have said or done something that has caused her to lose or gain some respect for you.

It is also crucially important to understand that these are usually minor, but more likely and more often very major (in the context of the situation) things you have said or done based on your understanding of the situation.

It is also important to understand that over time she will remember each of these things for the rest of her life, some of these things she will discuss with you after the breakup in a shorter unit of time in the near future, some of these things she will discuss with you over a longer unit of future time.  When her respect button for you is low on the slider, you will not be given any insight.  If the slider moves over a unit of time, you may receive some, or significant new information.  These pieces of information are some of the missing pieces of the puzzle, but not the entire puzzle.  You will receive some level of closure, but never complete closure.  You receive a percentage of closure.

 

5.

It is important to accept there will also be negative things that she remembers about your conduct and will never, ever tell you directly the literal meaning of that button for the duration of her entire life.  It is important to understand this is not actually a button on a slider.  This is represented as a square, a onetime use checkbox.

It is important to accept that the more checkboxes there are over a unit of time, there will be a point where your current individual capability doesn’t include the skillsets and tools available to address the medium or longer term resolution with her.

At some point you have to make the decision and accept the consequences.  This is directly represented in the end sequence of the move Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) and very specifically where the inexperienced character reaches for the item on the cliff (symbolically your relationship with her), and the more experienced character calls for him, looks him in the eye and advises “Your Name.  Let it go.”

 

6.

You have to factor in and accept some percentage of expectation of reasonable or extreme failure to regain the relationship during the early and medium term reconciliation phase.

There will be something you say or do to inadvertently to push a standalone invisible button on the dashboard, you have done this unknowingly as you are now being presented with new information related to an issue that occurred during some unit of time in the past.

It is important to accept as a man that these individual items she remembers are a result of your actions and core beliefs expressed over a unit of time.  It is important to self-acknowledge internally and externally these shortcomings within a reasonable unit of time from when they are raised by her.

It is important during the reconciliation process, you may say or do things that remind her of past situations, which in turn result in negative feelings and conflict.

This will be especially evident as new pieces of information are made obvious to you.  She will specifically react negatively to something you have said or done during a unit of time in the past, based on something you said or did today or some unit of time experienced more recently when you are in your current fragile, panic based survival state trying to repair a broken relationship and talking to her without the correct conduct, tools or materials.

During the reconciliation process if your mind is clear and you are in good spirits, you will be able to relate more positive feelings and repair the damage in a shorter unit of time.  It is important to also anticipate that during the reconciliation process, things may improve and eventually blossom into a more positive space.  However, there is a higher probability that one misstep in communication will torpedo the entire process.

This will become a judgement call around how much you desire this woman, versus how quickly you can refine your behavior in a way that is authentic.  You don’t have to reach parity with her  emotional refinement, but accept she may be some unit of time ahead of you in emotional sophistication (perhaps months, perhaps years).

Generally speaking, these foundations are laid down at a young age and society only very broadly coaches men on how to behave with basic interactions during romantic relationships, you are however as an individual completely accountable for improving your conduct over time.

 

7.

This is all based on, and at the foundation correlated to the way you conduct yourself with the information you have available at the present unit of time correlated to how you conduct yourself whilst acknowledging your own areas for personal development.

How you conduct yourself in these situations affects her sliders and buttons.  It is a judgment call you make as a man specifically on how your core beliefs and actions will affect her respect and attractiveness to you.

Only you are in control of the flexibility of your core beliefs, frequent high flexibility may be bad, infrequent rigid inflexibility may also be as equally bad – this is a judgment call that you have to roll with based on the information you have in the moment.

 

 

8.

Crucially, you have to accept the circumstances that you find yourself experiencing emotionally as a result of your conduct.  Which, if you are reading this you are likely experiencing severe pain at some level of existence between a minor scratch and full blown depression.

It could be best explained that shortly after the unit of time that represented your blindsided breakup experience with her, that your brain has released a liquid energy inside your body that represents the pain, and the liquid will be present in your body for a unit of time (a short period, perhaps months, or a longer period, perhaps many years.)

This is related to the shock and gravity of the blindsided breakup and these circumstances are preventing you from thinking clearly.  During this period of time, internet posts will help you with some information but will not resolve the physical component, this component can only be addressed in the physical world.

Engage in positive comforting activities during this time, which could be anything that is relevant to your current life (from sitting at home to going out into the world), eventually you will be able to reconcile the consequences of your actions and regroup.  It is most important that at some point you accept you must regroup.

 

9.

If you have been blindsided by the breakup, during the unit of time you were together (day 1 to this day), you conducted yourself in certain ways that caused her to lose a percentage of respect for you.

It is also important to accept that on the day you met her you were a block of stone just quarried.  On the day you met her she was already Venus de Milo, as she has already been lovingly, finely and precisely shaped by her experiences across her entire life from friends, family and past lovers, and every day she continues to become more refined.  This is reflected somewhat in the Stone Temple Pilots song Sour Girl.

 

 

10.

To make a conceptual analogy, the relationship is like a Roulette table in a casino  The most admired and accomplished man isn’t the gambler on the table, the most accomplished and admired man is the man that "owns" the whole city through honest means.  As you start to process the situation, there are themes that will resonate and correlate as outlined from the mistakes made by the major characters in the movie Casino (1995) and subsequent consequences of the major characters actions over a long unit of time.

 

Put another way, she is the Roulette dealer and you are the gambler. Perhaps the table has one seat, perhaps the table has many seats. Every chip on the table represents one unit of time in your relationship.

Every day she spins the ball in the roulette wheel and each segment of the wheel represents milestones (positive, negative, growth, memories, intimacy).

You start with one chip (words, actions, memories etc etc), how you wager defines the actual unit of time of the relationship.  Small conservative bets over time are sustainable, but have a low likelihood in today’s society to pay out big.  Big bets have great rewards and dire consequences, however you need to mix both to keep the activity engaging.

It is important to acknowledge that in the first half of your life you are the gambler and she is the dealer.  In the second half of your life the roles will be reversed, however it is important to note that this isn’t systemic of women themselves, it’s a construct of society and is not a situation for you to hold over her.  It is your role to learn the lessons in the first half of your life to then connect with the object of your desire who is on her own path of improvement.

If a women is successful in the first half of her life she will move from conceptually being a “dealer” to “boss” (more desirable) to eventually "being" the casino itself (the most desirable women in the world).  It is important to note that age is not relevant here.  A woman at the apex of her desirability (grace, elegance, emotional wealth, personality, other etc etc) is still desirable regardless of specific life stage.

It is important to note that the most desirable and refined women will continue to grow and evolve.  The distinction you need to make is specifically that the chips don’t ultimately belong to the woman who is the dealer, they belong to the woman who is the casino.  Your roll is to continuing to improve your conduct specific to your surroundings and circumstances.

 

 

 

[cubefish]

To relate with more precision the specific themes around the blindsided breakup you have just experienced as a man, via the previously referenced song Sour Girl (1999).

There are three components.  The literal lyrics and vocals of the song which tell a story.  But also the accompanying video of the song which tells a more specific story related to your current situation when watched silently without audio. 

 

Sour Girl (1999)

 

The following text outlines one interpretation when watching the video without audio:

 

1.

In the opening scene the man is in a dark time working on refining himself.   In the background there are influences represented as small colorful characters.  The small colorful characters can be interpreted as positive or negative influences.

 

The small colorful characters can mean anything specific to your situation (love, bad behavior, faith, etc etc)  specifically in this situation the white colorful character represents the man’s heroin addition, however you could interpret this to represent your own vices or poor conduct.

 

The man is working on refining himself awkwardly at first then eventually more coordinated until he reaches a period of new thought or enlightenment about his circumstances.  This could be a revelation about your current situation.  The eyes closeup shots of the man in the video provide clues to seeing and understanding.

 

 

2.

During this period of great understanding, the woman who is also going through her dark time is drawn to the man.  The blue colorful character perhaps represents gossip although you could apply your own story to the commencement of the relationship.

 

During the relationship, the couple experience comfort during dark times.  The woman suggests for the man to leave behind negative influences and conduct himself more appropriately.  During a period of contemplation, the man is conflicted between love and poor conduct.  During indulgences of vices the cockroaches represent decent into a filthy existence or potential cracks in the initial foundation of relationship.

 

The man chooses love for his woman over vices during a dark time.  She closes his eyes to the vices and specifically guides him in a new direction – a direction to bring her out of her own dark time back to the dynamic woman she always was.

 

 

3.

During this period of close connection in the relationship, the couple experience pure energy and experience the best of the relationship.  The woman reawakens who she always was and starts to shine brightly.  During this time there is abundant growth as the woman reconnects with herself though the relationship and continues on her own path.

 

The woman continues on with living her life, the dark times represents the death of the relationship and subsequent happy memories the man cherishes of the woman at the point she was shining brightest.

 

The video concludes with the man falling back into dark times, metaphorically the vices.  The man must regroup and reconnect with the woman or establish another new relationship to move to the next stage.  In the real world, many years later (2015) the inability for the man to correct his conduct ultimately cost him his life.