lovehimendlessly Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 Hey guys I’m in my late 20s, BF in early 30s.  We’ve been dating for 3.5 years, we’ve had a few hiccups here and there but overall wonderful relationship. I don’t even believe in soulmates but if I were to have one- it would be him. We’ve planned to get married, settle down by the end of next year.  since last October, I’ve had to move to a different country for work. We have a 5.5 hr time difference. Since October, we met once but unfortunately COVID wrecked havoc on our 2nd meet-up scheduled for early March.  basically, my bf was growing distant so I asked him if anything was bothering him and he just had a word vomit about how he doesn’t see a future with me. when I ask him for a reason why, he’s unable to articulate, he says our paths are different etc, it’s increasingly difficult to see each other in person (no s***, all borders are closed), he says a part of him has changed and he would’ve never given up on us but me not being with him is starting to affect him as a PERSON.  BF will be moving close to where I live in June 2021- a year away from now.  im honestly shocked and my heart feels completely shattered... I don’t even know what to do. He just keeps apologising for causing me pain etc. But this feels so visceral.  His younger brother was devastated too :( they’re all basically family. His brother had a different angle, my bf has lost tonnes of weight, has had some personality changes and is generally miserable. So his brother feels my bf maybe depressed.  what can I do? The urge to be there for him is so huge..at the same time I can’t hear him tell me again that he can’t see a future with me. I also feel upset, angry and so let down by all these empty promises he made.  what do I do? I feel shattered :( Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 Sorry to hear about this... but IMHO... long distance relations just never really work.  He's been alone, and if there is any reason he would think that you may not be coming back soon (sounds like you aren't) then it's time to move on.   Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 Unfortunately, long-distance just does not work for some people. They might believe they can manage it, but it turns out they can't. The physical separation from a partner for many months on end can be too much to cope with, and make it hard to avoid thinking about local options. I'm sorry, OP. I know it's rough. I wouldn't assume he is depressed, necessarily, despite what his brother says. He might be unhappy but it could unfortunately be because the stress of maintaining a LDR was bringing him down. As such, I wouldn't try to offer him support when he has indicated that he wants or needs any. I also wouldn't assume the previous promises he made were empty. He could have been completely sincere at the time he made them. Sadly, feelings can change and we sometimes cannot keep the promises we made because we no longer feel the way we once did. Not fun to think about, I realize, but could he have met someone local? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TeddyBundy1993 Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 Its not that LDRs are ought to fail. I have many friends who are women and in LDRs. One of them even dating inmate happily it's all about connection. People marry live together and still they divorce 🙄. I believe he is being honest with you when he says he has changed. People change, they way they feel about us change too. Real test of relationship starts when honeymoon period is over. As hard it sounds it's over, I m sorry but that's harsh reality it will sting much more as it came as a shock to you, but be sure he was just waiting when to pull the plug. For now let this go, and stop communicating with him. Many times s*** happen and thing do not goes how we dreamed or planned. Dont offer any support to him. Best for both of you is to heal without each other and give space for a while. With time you'll understand that this was right, and the pain was temporary. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 It's a perfect storm. You moved. The world closed. He has other issues per the brother. He can't physically be with you for the foreseeable future. The combo caused him to give up. Maybe when the world reopens & you can see each other again you can fix this but for now, while you are apart I don't know what to tell you.   1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 If men can't have sex with you, they often drift. And it sounds like he has a load of other problems he just needs to work on himself anyway. This may be the best thing for you in the long run. Date local. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 January 2018 you were complaining about his lack of ambition, but I guess your ambition sent you to a different country to work He is a young guy, and young guys like sex. No sex => no love He, I guess lost his enthusiasm for you, and by what you said previously he is right that you are not on the same path. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 It takes a lot of self discipline to do LDR's. Plenty of men and women do not have the requisite self discipline to go months without attention--sexual or otherwise. It could be that he's turning himself inside out for everyone because he's met someone else and is feeling guilty for using them to soothe his inability to get in-person attention from you. He may be close to his brother, but that doesn't mean he's told his brother what he's doing behind your back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovehimendlessly Posted June 9, 2020 Author Share Posted June 9, 2020 Wow.. thanks guys  100% didn't think another person could be involved, until you guys mentioned it. I mean... if I am so replaceable in someone's life after 3 years of being together + a future fully sketched out then perhaps we are just not right for each other. I still feel so heart-broken.. I still can't believe the alternative narrative of him meeting someone else (what amidst a pandemic) and deciding to throw away our relationship.. This time last week he was sending me videos from our holiday in October last year, pulling my leg because I nearly drowned in the pool (I'm learning to swim...ok) ... and now.. he's gone!  His parents are heart broken but want me to be there for him but I've politely declined because... hello... I am heart broken because of their son???? I've blocked him on everywhere and although I keep having moments where I just wish he would call me and give us another chance, I also remind myself that his actions indicate that he values convenience over the depth and bond of the relationship we shared.. and what good is that? Relationships are hard... but you've got to persevere if it's worth it. When someone thinks you're not worth it.. I guess they don't deserve you either.  To give some perspective, we are engaged and to be married July 2021.. but yeah thanks Elaine567 for digging around and making assumptions that render no sense.. like seriously, if you're implying that he broke things off because I was too ambitious in wanting to progress my career and YOU are reprimanding me for it then that's messed up. People live and grow... and not break up a longterm relationship because it's temporarily hard because of a global pandemic. God some people are bitter. Whatever doubts I had about our relationship in the beginning- I formally addressed them with him and we got through them. Seriously ladies, if a guy dumps you because you're too ambitious then it's time to say... boy bye! No matter who sits behind a computer screen and tells you that you deserved it! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 53 minutes ago, lovehimendlessly said: To give some perspective, we are engaged and to be married July 2021.. but yeah thanks Elaine567 for digging around and making assumptions that render no sense.. like seriously, if you're implying that he broke things off because I was too ambitious in wanting to progress my career and YOU are reprimanding me for it then that's messed up. It makes perfect  sense. You forging ahead in a different country. He, having time to think alone, decides you and he are different people on a different path. A problem you yourself highlighted 2 years ago. Ambition is fine, nothing wrong with that, but you can't always expect others to follow or wait for you as they have their own lives to lead. LDRs can work, but October 2019 to June 2021 was always going to be a difficult ask of anyone. Also does he really want to join you in June 2021? Maybe he doesn't want to move.   “The best laid schemes o' mice an' men  Gang aft a-gley.” 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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