Angry and upset (long)

[bean15]

So I've been in a LDR for almost two years now (UK/Germany)

I met my girlfriend in University and spent almost everyday together, with tons of free time and no worries. And after about 5 months my girlfriend had finished her work placement in the UK and went back to Germany. Which was our first experience of going through this, so it was extremely tough
We managed to meet up usually around every month and a half, sometimes 2+ months.
And we had our fair share of arguments and break ups but we'd always get back together the next day. We'd usually blame it on the long distance and frustration of not being able to see each other.
Just before this past Christmas, we had a huge argument and broke up, and she kept telling me she was having doubts about us.
She came to visit around 2 weeks after this argument and it was amazing, we only seemed to argue a  day or two before she was going home. (my guess, because we know it would be a while before we see each other)
When she went back, she told me she "realised why she loved me so much". Which i took in a positive/negative way. Like, in my head i thought she must have not loved me before she came here.
Anyway.

Luckily she came here just before this lockdown came in, so i'd say its about 4 months without seeing each other and its more or less an argument every 3-4 days. 
Recently, we were talking about the protests and stuff, when she told me i was privileged because i was white. 

Obviously my reply was i'm not white priveleged, how can i be, i don't understand it. (hoping she could explain it a bit more so i could understand from her perspective)
She rolled her eyes and her face dropped, and we were just like "well okay then goodnight" (this was over facetime btw)
She sent me a message saying "I need to rethink this relationship, i can't be with someone if they don't believe in white privilege"

So i explained how i wanted her to help me understand it, as a white guy in the UK i've never experienced it but now i understand it, i do.
I then questioned why she immediately went to "rethinking" the relationship rather than try and explain.
The past two days the conversation has become stale and just "yeah" "okay". Which makes me feel like crap.

Usually she replies quite quickly to my messages, now she barely reads them or her reply doesn't warrant a response.
I had to delete her number because i'm one of those that "wants a chance to explain"....like a sad idiot.

She has only just realised that i had deleted her number off whatsapp. (whatsapp changes your name to just your telephone number) when the other person removes your number from their phone.

This would be something she would have picked up on immediately previously.

Messaging her through instagram, i'm telling her how much i want to see her and that i'd build a boat and stuff. But she replies with "i dont really know what to say sorry".

The conversations are still just "yeah" "good" "okay" and it makes me feel sick.
And i don't want to be the beg, and say "how are you babe, i love you, miss you etc" when i'd get a response with just "love you". So i end up following suit saying "yeah"

I get so worried that shes using this time to try and forget about me, she would say how her day is, what shes doing and stuff but now, i get nothing, unless i ask how she is

I think this relationship is crumbling and i'm getting pretty frustrated and upset i can't do anything.

Can anyone give me some advice.
Maybe a female who is in a LDR and can perhaps, give me some knowledge into emotions after an argument or something.

This is my first forum post btw so ^^^^^ im sorry if its a bit messy

 

 

 

 

 

[Estella_]

Hey, i'm also in LDR, i'm a girl, i Feel like most of time in that kind of relationship, everything is Perfect when you meet up, but once you go back To your home country alone, you just doubt about everything especially if you argue often. Personnally i doubt because i want To be sure he's the person i can live with for long term and it's so unsure because of the distance and our situation. Did you ask Her why she has doubt ? 

Maybe send Her a big message telling Her how much you try To understand her and that it's oke if she want To stop everything because you should accept Her choices no matter What, you can't force Her.

And for the "White priveledged" thing, i think it's a strong value that she has, she wants maybe someone that understand her and all the struggle To be a person of "color".

Hope it helps you 😁

[justwhoiam]

7 hours ago, bean15 said:

And we had our fair share of arguments and break ups but we'd always get back together the next day. We'd usually blame it on the long distance and frustration of not being able to see each other. ... we only seemed to argue a  day or two before she was going home. (my guess, because we know it would be a while before we see each other)

I totally get that. I've been in a LDR for years and it's exactly how you said. Add to that the current frustration of being locked down, family issues, uncertainty about finances etc., stress hit the fan.

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Just before this past Christmas, we had a huge argument and broke up

You didn't mention what was the issue there to have such a bad argument, but in my experience, at times it's so petty it becomes quite irrelevant.

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When she went back, she told me she "realised why she loved me so much". Which i took in a positive/negative way. Like, in my head i thought she must have not loved me before she came here.

?! Your reasoning seems messed up and as a woman, I don't get it. On the other hand, didn't you ask her why?? Because she brought that up, and the first thing you should have done, instead of speculating about what was behind it, you should have asked why and what she realized and, if anything, how she came to realize that.

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Obviously my reply was i'm not white priveleged, how can i be, i don't understand it. (hoping she could explain it a bit more so i could understand from her perspective)

She rolled her eyes and her face dropped, and we were just like "well okay then goodnight" (this was over facetime btw)
She sent me a message saying "I need to rethink this relationship, i can't be with someone if they don't believe in white privilege"

Like many women, she has values and wants a guy who knows right from wrong. And women can make fuss about matters of principle. This looks like one of them. Inconsequential to you, and huge to her, to even consider it as a potential dealbreaker. You didn't mention if she's white too. But whatever her situation, she took the Floyd's case to heart. She's not the only one. Upon closer look, however, what happened was like the last straw that broke the camel's back. In fact, similar "accidents" or episodes of violence by law enforcement happened with white people too. White people died too. But that didn't make the news. There's currently high sensitivity about black people, with the hashtag "blacklivesmatter". You might know all that already. So for any "white" person to be oblivious, it's frowned upon. I say no one in their right mind wants anyone to get killed, especially accidentally. The 4 officers involved with Floyd's arrest have been fired, and will be judged by a jury in a court. They might be sentenced to life. So it's right to think of 5 families getting destroyed, not just Floyd's. Hopefully, the wave of protests all around the USA will lead to some sort of new law that will prevent such episodes from happening again.

But we should take into account that George Floyd's was violent. He had landed five years behind bars in 2009 for an assault and robbery two years earlier, and before that, had been convicted of charges ranging from theft with a firearm to drugs. Drugs were indeed found in his body, from both autopsies run on his corpse. So yes, right to life for everybody, but paying his family like they won the lottery? It doesn't seem fair. We certainly need less Floyds around. Society needs to condemn abuse of power, but serious crimes too.

So back to your relationship. 1. Be opinionated and up to support your views with her; that means avoiding acting like an amoeba or worse as a clueless, uninformed guy. 2. Don't underestimate matters of principle. 3. When you feel or know things are going south, don't act oblivious, hoping she will come to her senses; most of the time, that just exacerbates feelings on both sides. 4. Do not request that she guides you through awareness, as a grown man, you should do that by yourself; she's not your mommy nor your teacher. When something's more technical or in her field of study/knowledge, then that's a different story. For instance, if she's studying psychology, chances are she would welcome talking about something related to the subject and explain it to you; but for topical items (abortion, environment, human rights, etc.), you need to form your own views based on your values.

And it makes sense that for a girl, a clash of values can be cause of a breakup. If a girl is seriously into you, she will think of a future with you. She needs to see that you're both on the same wavelength on things.

I think there's nothing insumountable here. But the fact that you're sort of waiting for her to make the first move is bad. In any relationship that is serious enough to go on long-term, the guy will have to bend over backwards. Most times, he was wrong. So he needs to fix things. You being unwilling to fix anything and instead deleting her number just makes for a bad ending. If that's the way you intend to interact with a girlfriend, expect many many breakups. And a life as a single guy. That's regardless of whether a relationship is long distance or with a next door neighbor.

Edited June 7, 2020 by justwhoiam

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, bean15 said:

And we had our fair share of arguments and break ups but we'd always get back together the next day. We'd usually blame it on the long distance and frustration of not being able to see each other.
Just before this past Christmas, we had a huge argument and broke up, and she kept telling me she was having doubts about us.

OP, you don't seem to realize that multiple break-ups are not normal. 

It doesn't matter what the reason is. If your relationship is this on-off, you're not in a good relationship. I think she's wanted out for a while, and didn't really have the courage to definitively end it. She chose this argument over white privilege to sever ties, but really, that's so far from the whole story here. Your relationship was crumbling long before this. 

I'm sorry but I think it's time to really face the truth: this relationship has been dying a slow death for some time now. It's time to part ways. 

[bean15]

5 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

You didn't mention what was the issue there to have such a bad argument, but in my experience, at times it's so petty it becomes quite irrelevant.

It was literally the most petty of arguments, but because we can't see each others body language, facial expressions, and adding in the communication and language. Sometimes things get mis translated or mis heard. What sounds right in my eyes would appear totally different in hers

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?! Your reasoning seems messed up and as a woman, I don't get it. On the other hand, didn't you ask her why?? Because she brought that up, and the first thing you should have done, instead of speculating about what was behind it, you should have asked why and what she realized and, if anything, how she came to realize that.

I did ask her why she felt like that, and she said because she wanted to remember why she fell in love with me. Being so far apart its hard to remember after a disagreement. You can't hug it out, its an apology and thats all you can do. And these aren't really arguments, theres no shouting, cursing or anything, its literally a disagreement over something really small

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I think there's nothing insumountable here. But the fact that you're sort of waiting for her to make the first move is bad. In any relationship that is serious enough to go on long-term, the guy will have to bend over backwards. Most times, he was wrong. So he needs to fix things. You being unwilling to fix anything and instead deleting her number just makes for a bad ending.

I'm always first to dive in and try and fix things, after an argument over something petty, i'll sit and ask why she would be mad about it, and try and see from  her point of view.

I find all of these arguments are just our frustration, she messages me telling how frustrated she is with this lockdown and how she can't come over here or me over there.

I think the "NOT KNOWING" is the killer, because we don't know how long it will be until we do see each other. and we both are open with our future, we've come to a decision on what we will do, how we will achieve it.
I will admit i have my flaws, sometimes im kinda clingy and i wanna felt loved. Sometimes shes too clingy. Its back and forth

We aren't unlike any other relationship, we aren't perfect by any means. Especially with LDR its alot harder to resolve an argument

We have both been looking for flights every day for the past month or two. But theres nothing, germany is open and UK still full lockdown, i can't even get a train, a ferry or anything out of the UK and she can't come here.
 

This is the longest we've been apart and because theres no end in sight at the moment, we are both taking it out on each other

[Gr8fuln2020]

I think it's cool that you understand what 'white privilege' is. Many people don't understand that it has nothing to do with wealth or an ability something you have to actively engage in. But that discussion was a just a symptom of the greater problem...

2-yr long LDR. Did you two have concrete plans to be together? I have been in a couple and one worked (sort of  ) because there was a solid plan to be together while  the other didn't have a chance. I just see the point of having a multi-year LDR unless there is an agreement not to be monogamous. So many things outside of normal dating issues materialise including, of course, distance and frequency of physical contact, that if you don't have a plan that is progressing towards being together, doubts come into play and rightfully so. 

[ShyViolet]

2 years is a long time to be in a LDR, it sounds like she is getting tired of the distance.  Your relationship sounds very rocky and unhealthy... it's not normal to break up and get back together frequently.  It sounds like she is just done with this relationship, she doesn't want to be with you anymore.  Why don't you end it already and find someone who is actually in the same city as you instead of wasting your time on someone you can't physically be with.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/7/2020 at 12:52 PM, bean15 said:

We aren't unlike any other relationship, we aren't perfect by any means. Especially with LDR its alot harder to resolve an argument

I think the fact that you two have broken up multiple times does make your relationship unlike most others - but not in a good way. 

You two don't work as a couple. If you did, you wouldn't already have several break-ups behind you, long-distance or not. 

[lovelife91011]

hey even i m in LDR  for 9yrs we meet like aftr 6 months or sometime yearly. now i hhave become so much dependent on him which i know is completely stupid that i think of him day and night .i m suggesting u to pleae make her realise ur value in her life try to make her jealous if u can so that she rethink of u again.cause a close relation needs closeness all the time and it really ache a lot when u see the other half is no longer like before..may be we are thinking more about relationship or i dnt know but to be honest m also suffering from such anxiety and upsetting day..i can feel wat u r..