supersteelman Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 My sister 37 and I 45 are online dating. We dont have kids. I am divorced. Ive only had lon term relationships with moms who dont want kidd My sister has had a few longish relationships but nothing leading to what she wants and thats kids and marriage She says shes certain she won't find a guy for that as most are not serious for regular relationship and for m&k, almost impossible. Her gf 35 did find a guy. Married and a girl She says guys who are younger date younger women, guys who are her age and older have kids or dont want kids or more kids. They are divorced and dont want to even live together and just want a gf to meet once or twice a week to go out for a good time and sex. Many have said that after divorce they dont want anything intense. The guys her age who dont want kids enjoy being single she says. I do notice on my side when viewing womens profiles that there seems to be a lot of women in her age and older that would like the same thing. But as my sister says, its almost impossible to find a guy whos serious and has minimum in her wants. Someone with a decent steady job has a car and would like kids and marriage. Shes not picky or demanding but says the choices for potential guys are very few. She has been thinking of going ivf but she doesn't know yet How hard is it for a woman her age to find a guy for marriage and kids. She feels shes slowly coming to her end of choice because once shell be 40 she feels she has 0% chance. What can I say to help her? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 I would say it will be difficult for her to find someone who matches what she wants, but not impossible. She will have to talk to hundreds of men, and be prepared to move on very quickly from dating any who don't clearly want what she wants (and not even meet any who reveal any goals contrary to her goals). She'll have to find ways to ask about their goals and wants without giving too much away that would allow a guy to manipulate her by saying the "right" things. Realistically, her fertility is rapidly declining, as are the odds for a safe, healthy pregnancy. Not impossible, of course, but riskier. She can't spend a lot of time dating and waiting to find out how things will go - she has to advocate for what she wants if a potential partner seems to be a good match and on the same page. Link to post Share on other sites
Author supersteelman Posted June 7, 2020 Author Share Posted June 7, 2020 Thanks for the feedback. It seems to confirm what she thinks. I feel sad for my sister and the many women I see her age and more wanting that. I feel that the selection of guys available are not with the same mindset or commitment they all want. Many may be but would possibly not be a good option. She says many guys do want kids marriage but they would not be potential partners. Not having a good enough job (shes not looking for a doctor even a programmer or engineer-she likes brainy guys) or even seem mature or serious enough. And many you wonder why they didnt find Partners. Guys can choose later if they choose to. A 40yo guy can find a 30yo if he wanted to. My sister was always talking to guys. She wasnt invested in schooling or career that she never took the time. The guys are all around. but she says there simply isnt a good amount to choose from who have a good basic foundation to begin. When youre younger your career is developing but by 40 you should be on your way. Many of the guys just work simple jobs that isnt ample for a family Again, I feel for my sister. She says she tried even up to 50 yo guys but they dont want the baby thing again. She says she would have acted sooner had she known when she was younger that itd be so hard Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 I don't think this desperate search for a husband and kids is healthy and is likely to lead to a good result. When you put so much pressure on dating, you're likely to settle for someone who you aren't really compatible with, because you are putting more emphasis on this thing you are looking for (marriage and kids) rather than your actual chemistry or compatibility with the person. I think you should tell her to stop being so obsessed with this idea to find a husband or kids. Instead have an open mind about dating and focus on finding someone who makes you happy and who you have a lot in common with. Maybe it will lead to marriage and kids, maybe it won't. But you can't put so much pressure on it like that, it's not how dating works. She is setting herself up for disappointment if she doesn't achieve these specific goals that she's created in her mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 On 6/6/2020 at 5:51 PM, supersteelman said: How hard is it for a woman her age to find a guy for marriage and kids. She feels shes slowly coming to her end of choice because once shell be 40 she feels she has 0% chance. What can I say to help her? I met the man who is not my husband when I was 39. I joke that I got the last unicorn: a single man, no kids, never married & over 35 without too much emotional baggage. I will tell you this, I didn't find him on the internet although he was out there. Had I searched on line we would have missed each other. For the short time I was on OLD we were on different sites & he was below my age minimum. When I decided at 38 that I was ready to settle down, I threw it out there to the universe that I wanted a good man. I made a commitment to go find one. At least once per week I went & did something designed to expose me to new people: networking meetings; singles events; industry events & continuing education opportunities: meet-up groups; etc. I told friends & family I was open to being fixed up. I got involved in niche singles groups. One was called Leashes & Lovers -- you could bring your dog. It wasn't kink although if that is your thing, I bet there is a group for that too. LOL I was about to try a golf group where they paired 2 men & 2 women to play golf I figured if the men weren't my cup of tea at least I'd get in 18 holes. Happy hunting to you both 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted June 12, 2020 Share Posted June 12, 2020 It wont be an easy thing to find. Sure, there are a few out there... but the majority of the guy will be (most likely) divorced, and have a kid. AND... since they are divorced... they probably won't want more kids. I know this is the situation I'm in. I love my kids, but I don't want to be "Grandpa" when my kids are in HS... and I don't want to have another "Legal" attachment with a woman. (Divorce, and age have firmly made me not want anymore kids) Basically... if I break up with my next GF... I don't want to have to hire a lawyer to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 12, 2020 Share Posted June 12, 2020 On 6/6/2020 at 9:09 PM, supersteelman said: Again, I feel for my sister. She says she tried even up to 50 yo guys but they dont want the baby thing again. She says she would have acted sooner had she known when she was younger that itd be so hard I'm sure she could find some men in their forties who would want a baby, but probably not many, and then out of those few, would they be compatible? Definitely sucks for women that age. If a man wants to he can find someone younger and have a family well into his fifties if he chose to. Women don't have that option without a lot of expensive medical treatment. I'd suggest she open herself up to dating single dads with young kids if she wants to be a parent or parent figure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 12, 2020 Share Posted June 12, 2020 1 hour ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: I'm sure she could find some men in their forties who would want a baby But if she wants to truly minimise her risks in pregnancy and that of her baby, a guy 40+ is too old. She at 37 is already pushing it, she doesn't want to add to the risks. 35 is the recommended cut off point for fathers. 1 hour ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: I'd suggest she open herself up to dating single dads with young kids if she wants to be a parent or parent figure. As she is single, I guess she wants her own child, and does not to be a "nanny" to some other woman's child... Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted June 12, 2020 Share Posted June 12, 2020 Fertility issues aside, there are men out there who are open to trying for kids or more kids with an older woman. The only age groups where birth rates have been trending up are late-30s to early-40s women, as women are generally waiting longer to have kids. Some men are open to that journey; some are not. She should be honest about what your intentions are and be prepared to move on from the many who will not be on the same page. That's online dating period. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 16, 2020 Share Posted June 16, 2020 On 6/6/2020 at 6:09 PM, supersteelman said: She wasnt invested in schooling or career that she never took the time. Is it possible she’s looking for a guy who’s something she isn’t? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author supersteelman Posted June 20, 2020 Author Share Posted June 20, 2020 (edited) On 6/17/2020 at 12:59 AM, Mr. Lucky said: Is it possible she’s looking for a guy who’s something she isn’t? No. She has a career and diploma There are very few men who want more kids at her age or even older. They dont want the hassle or burden of another child. I also know from her gf whos very attractive smart talented and cant find any potential guys. Nothing. All want sex or the few that want something committed but dont want to live together and certainly dont want more kids. After 35 imo youre pretty much done for and need to think about going ivf solo if you want kids. At 40 it's game over. Her words I have my own issues with online dating. Every woman over 40 whos divorced wants a guy for entertainment. Theyve been through the "big love" and kids thing. Now they want someone to take them out and travel. Edited June 20, 2020 by supersteelman Link to post Share on other sites
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