He is divorcing, but is afraid of his wife finding out about us

[Maya95]

We’ve been dating for 7 months. When we met, this guy told me he was in the final stages of divorcing his wife who currently lives back in Poland (they’re Polish). I believed him… and everything would be fine if not Facebook-related stuff. He still has lots of photos of them together and is refusing to delete them and replace them with mine. He says that if he wipes all those memories out, his ex will get mad, and he doesn’t want any trouble! Why should he be scared if they are divorcing anyway? And how come that ‘final stages’ of his divorce have been going on for more than 7 months? As far as I know, they have no kids, no property and were living quite a poor life back home (this is why he moved here to the West), so no assets to be divided… this means that divorce process should be fast and easy. 

Plus, the guy is being evasive about his divorce, not speaking about it at all, just keeps trashing his ex… On the other hand, he not only still has her pictures, but is also in constant contact with her and keeps hiding his phone. 

I feel that I am just a fun-time girl for him, but again there are some weird facts that make me deny it! He had introduced me to his parents when they came to visit him here, I also know all of his brothers, sisters, nephews and nieces, plus friends and colleagues, and nobody is saying anything! I even visited Poland with his family (spent there couple weeks) and never saw or met his wife while being there! However, I when I stalked online, I saw that he met her one day for maybe 5 hours and gave her some gifts and money (didn't tell me about that, he said he was going out to see some friends).Her post is public, his family must have seen it, but why did they allow him to take me to their home in case he is still together with his wife? If he is really a cheater, he surely would be told by them to either divorce or kick me to the curb? 

And he also wants to meet my parents. Why would he do it while his wife is still all over his Fb account? Isn’t he afraid that my family can check and catch him? I am not telling them his surname just because I am so ashamed of this situation. And I don’t want him to meet them while he is not divorced. Yet he is not bothered at all and isn’t even trying to at least talk to me about how to hide his relationship status! Why? If I was married, I would never meet my lover’s family until I got divorced. 

And generally, what a hell is all this? What is it that I can’t see here in the middle of everything? I was always thinking that you can only date a cheater in secret, remote places, like hotels, and meeting each other’s families is completely out of question. Yet he is doing this out in the open! And no one in his family is saying or doing anything, even though they are from a country that promotes strong Christian values. 

So, is he divorcing or not really? 

[d0nnivain]

He's probably not divorcing his wife.  He's telling you they are in the final stages.  He's telling her he moved to the west to improve their quality of life as a couple.

As for it taking 7 months I can't speak to the legal system in Poland or the delays caused by both the pandemic or the complications of an international divorce.  You best educate yourself about both.  Pay some English speaking family lawyer in Poland for 1 hour of his / her time so you can ask Qs about the process.   

[Amethyst68]

Just because a country promotes strong Christian values doesn't mean everyone in it does. This particular family could think cheating is nothing to be concerned about as long as the wife doesn't find out, maybe there's a reason they're all 'protecting' her like she's ill or pregnant. Who knows?

The best thing you can do is split from him until he appears with divorce papers, fully notarized with a certified translation.

BTW unless you can read Polish I'm not sure what use seeing his phone would do in this instance, he could easily hide her details under another name.

[Crazelnut]

You're being played. This guy is lying to you. That alone is reason to drop him. 

[BaileyB]

I don’t think he’s in the final stages of divorce at all. He is still very much married. Sorry. 

[Emilie Jolie]

2 hours ago, Maya95 said:

Plus, the guy is being evasive about his divorce, not speaking about it at all, just keeps trashing his ex… On the other hand, he not only still has her pictures, but is also in constant contact with her and keeps hiding his phone. 

That's a rainbow of red flags right there. I disconnect my fb account partly because I was tired of seeing cryptic passive aggressive memes between divorcing couples. FB is actually the one place where people are not shy about airing their dirty laundry. 

If he still has lovey-dovey pics with his wife he refuses to get off while using FB regularly, he's not telling you the truth.

Follow your gut, Maya.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Maya95 said:

If I was married, I would never meet my lover’s family until I got divorced. 

That is you, and you are not him. There are people on this board who most definitely carry on and create another life while married, often in a different country far from their wife and family. It’s likely much easier to do with the distance. So, just because you wouldn’t do it don’t make the assumption that he wouldn’t do the same... It seems to me that he has, and he is... and you have allowed him to do so with full knowledge that there are a lot of red flags here. If your intuition is telling you something, you would be wise to listen.

Edited June 7, 2020 by BaileyB

[PhoenixRising8]

At the risk of sounding like a bigot, this behaviour is cultural. In many European countries, an OW is an open secret. Being originally from that region, I know of what I speak. My own cheating father had an OW "back home" who he would openly "date" in front of family (his, not my step mother's) when he went back for visits. Same thing but in reverse. 

Edited to add that he wasn't the only one I was aware of who did this sort of thing. Not as uncommon as you may think especially when he is abroad and she remains home. 

Edited June 7, 2020 by LilKatKat

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, Maya95 said:

And generally, what a hell is all this?

It is called cake eating.
He has a wife in Poland and you in the UK (I  am guessing your location) on the side.
He has likely come to make money to send back home.
The money he makes will be a fortune back there, so he will be able to buy a house and likely set up a business eventually...

I very much doubt he will want to divorce. Many Poles are very devout Catholics
Just make sure your money and assets are safe

Edited June 7, 2020 by elaine567

[Maya95]

I understand there is something fishy here, just can't get why he needed to take me to his country and why he wants to meet my family. Is it some kind of creepy Eastern European humor? 

[Redhead14]

6 minutes ago, Maya95 said:

I understand there is something fishy here, just can't get why he needed to take me to his country and why he wants to meet my family. Is it some kind of creepy Eastern European humor? 

It's good salesmanship.  Makes it look good to keep you on the string.  He can meet your family, even take you to his country.  It doesn't necessarily mean he will marry you or anything but, he knows that those things are usually good signs of advancing things to a woman  so she hangs on.

[pepperbird]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

That is you, and you are not him. There are people on this board who most definitely carry on and create another life while married, often in a different country far from their wife and family. It’s likely much easier to do with the distance. So, just because you wouldn’t do it don’t make the assumption that he wouldn’t do the same... It seems to me that he has, and he is... and you have allowed him to do so with full knowledge that there are a lot of red flags here. If your intuition is telling you something, you would be wise to listen.

the fact that his family is okay with him cheating on his wife to the extent that they will even meet his OW is incredibly troubling. It says a lot about is core values.

I really think you should take a step back and really think about what sort of relationship you want to have. If him being faithful to you is important, I'd walk away. Even if you just want to be with him and you don't mind of he sees other women, I'd still sit down with him and hash this all out. Learn exactly where you stand. Are you okay being the OW over the long term?

[Timshel]

5 hours ago, Maya95 said:

I would never meet my lover’s family until I got divorced. 

And generally, what a hell is all this? What is it that I can’t see here in the middle of everything? I was always thinking that you can only date a cheater in secret, remote places, like hotels, and meeting each other’s families is completely out of question. Yet he is doing this out in the open! And no one in his family is saying or doing anything, even though they are from a country that promotes strong Christian values. 

So, is he divorcing or not really? 

I guess I don't get your confusion.  You are dating a married man.  What are your values?

[Maya95]

Well, I was really sure he was divorcing just because he had introduced me to everyone. Isn't meeting your partner's family a sign the person is serious about you and available? 

 

Anyway,  why isn't he scared that my family might see his Facebook account? 

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, Maya95 said:

Well, I was really sure he was divorcing just because he had introduced me to everyone. Isn't meeting your partner's family a sign the person is serious about you and available? 

Usually, yes. But apparently not in this situation. 

Quote

Anyway,  why isn't he scared that my family might see his Facebook account? 

He apparently has no hesitation introducing you to his family. Why would he care what your family might think? 

I too am not understanding your confusion. When somebody shows you who they really are, you would be wise to believe them. 

[Redhead14]

 

43 minutes ago, Maya95 said:

Well, I was really sure he was divorcing just because he had introduced me to everyone. Isn't meeting your partner's family a sign the person is serious about you and available? 

 

 

2 hours ago, Redhead14 said:

It's good salesmanship.  Makes it look good to keep you on the string.  He can meet your family, even take you to his country.  It doesn't necessarily mean he will marry you or anything but, he knows that those things are usually good signs of advancing things to a woman  so she hangs on.

[d0nnivain]

S2B

Asking for proof is good but exactly how is she supposed to authenticate a German legal document?  

[pepperbird]

3 hours ago, Maya95 said:

Well, I was really sure he was divorcing just because he had introduced me to everyone. Isn't meeting your partner's family a sign the person is serious about you and available? 

 

Anyway,  why isn't he scared that my family might see his Facebook account? 

i have no answers to this, but if you have a "rainy day" fund stashed away somewhere, have you considered maybe using a bit of it to do a background check and maybe even hire an investigator to check up on him.

At worst, you'll find out he's been lying. At best, he's being honest. Either way, you'll know' Consider it a good investment in your peace of mind.

[Amethyst68]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

S2B

Asking for proof is good but exactly how is she supposed to authenticate a German legal document?  

I actually have to authenticate foreign marriage and divorce documents as part of my job. They're not too different from ours in that they need to be signed by an official and will also be stamped. I would also ask for a certified translation which would also be stamped and signed rather than just translated by a member of his family or one of his friends.

[Amethyst68]

Of course that all may seem like a lot of effort to go through for a married man who's actions are shifty at best.

[Lotsgoingon]

This guy might have friends in family who think it's OK for a married man to have a gf. Thus with these people, he doesn't need to hide you. 

None of your questions matter (why would he introduce me ....) unless he is divorced ... and frankly, divorced people need a period where they do not date. They are usually not emotionally available right after a divorce.

Get out. 

[Dexterr]

14 hours ago, LilKatKat said:

At the risk of sounding like a bigot, this behaviour is cultural. In many European countries, an OW is an open secret. Being originally from that region, I know of what I speak. My own cheating father had an OW "back home" who he would openly "date" in front of family (his, not my step mother's) when he went back for visits. Same thing but in reverse. 

Edited to add that he wasn't the only one I was aware of who did this sort of thing. Not as uncommon as you may think especially when he is abroad and she remains home. 

Living in Eastern Europe myself, I have no idea what you are talking about.. We aren't exactly like some kind of aliens from a different universe. Being a cheater is taboo here too since we are not Neanderthals with 5 brain cells either.

OP, set yourself free of him, I think it's just a creepy guy, not creepy Eastern European humor. Same thing goes for LKK.

Edited June 8, 2020 by Dexterr

[Starswillshine]

What is weird... if he and his wife were very much still together, he would have spent more than 5 hours with her when he went back home. I am guessing he doesnt go back often, so they do not see each other. Something is fishy. Maybe she ditched him and he wants her back or something, but it doesnt sound like they are still "together" as a normal married couple should be. 

[PhoenixRising8]

@Dexterr nowhere did I say that Europeans are neanderthals with 5 brain cells.  I did say that it isn't unusual that the spouse have an OW, sometimes even one who they introduce to the family. If they live abroad, having someone in their new home is not shocking. I have known of such instances personally so I'm not just making this stuff up to insult anyone, merely to give the OP a reality check.  No need to get touchy.

Edited June 8, 2020 by LilKatKat

[Dexterr]

5 minutes ago, LilKatKat said:

@Dexterr nowhere did I say that Europeans are neanderthals with 5 brain cells.  I did say that it isn't unusual that the spouse have an OW, sometimes even one who they introduce to the family. If they live abroad, having someone in their new home is not shocking. I have known of such instances personally so I'm not just making this stuff up to insult anyone, merely to give the OP a reality check.  No need to get touchy.

I just wonder who told you that Eastern Europe is some land with proud cheating aliens habiting it õ.Õ.. But I suppose you know more than the locals. Cheers.

Edited June 8, 2020 by Dexterr