Boyfriend isn't '100 percent happy' and he doesn't know why....

[KissingFire]

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd ever find myself back on this forum asking for advice.

I met the love of my life after a horrendous abusive relationship in 2018, and we fell in love quickly. We traveled the world, we started looking at houses, we had our children's name picked out. I have never been happier or more in love in my whole entire life. I knew from the moment we met that he was the one. I had never been so sure of anything in my life.

That was until yesterday. He picks me up to go for a drive. My back is already up because I've been dumped this way so many time I've lost count. 

He tells me that his mind is going 100 miles an hour and doesn't know where to start. That he loves me, but he's not 100% happy all the time and he doesn't know why. That I'm perfect and wonderful and have done nothing wrong. That he felt he never truly had time to get over his breakup before me. (I met him on a dating website about 3 months after he split with his ex and 1 month after I split with mine.) and that he saw her a few months ago in public and felt guilty for moving on with me so fast, as he had been with her for 6 years. I stayed calm, knowing that begging gets me nowhere and told him I was glad he had finally spoken to me about this, as we've been in lock-down together, and for the past week, he had been getting pissy about everything and anything, and I had no idea what I'd done or why. He told me he liked his own space and that his OCD has been really bad since I've been there, but he loves me being with him and loves waking up next to me. If it makes any difference, we had only been intimate once in ten days as I had a bad accident with my leg which resulted in me going to the MIU. He took care of me, painted my toenails when I couldn't bend down, hell, he even cooked for me, and he never cooks for anyone. 

I was beyond confused and asked where we went from here, and he said he didn't know. He said he didn't want to hurt me in the long run, and if that we keep going, he can't promise me any false hope that we might be okay again. I was heartbroken, absolutely destroyed. I asked him if he wanted to keep going to see if it's just his thoughts being messy because of work (he's on a new section with his job, and it's very stressful, especially with the rioting and looting going on right now - he works in the public sector.) and I said was I not worth trying for? And he agreed, kissed me on the back of his hand and told me of course, that he loved me more than anything and he wanted to give us some time. We have a vacation booked for October, and I have no idea if that's going ahead now. 

So, I moved back in with my parents with a few bags to give him some space and time. All my other belongings are at his, but I can do without them for now. I am lost, hollow and confused, not eating or thinking straight, when he calls me the very same day and asks me to come over. A stronger woman than myself might have said no, but I had to see him. He acted as if nothing happened. He was playful, kissing me, telling me he loved me, cuddling me on the sofa, and we fell asleep holding each other. This morning, things got intimate and he made me breakfast while I showered. He held my hand in public as we dropped off his mum at the shops, and when he dropped me home, he said he couldn't wait to see me again, called out of the window to say hi to my dad, then told me he loved me as he drove off, and that I can move in again on Friday as he is on late shifts until then. (We originally agreed Monday, so I'm not sure what changed..)

I love this man. I would do anything for him. I would support him through everything. I want a future with him. Not being with him doesn't bare thinking about, I can't imagine a life without him. I believe he is the other half of me, truly. I have never been happier in my life, and we have never really argued. We have the same values, friends, he has introduced me to his hobbies. His family are my family - hell, they took me on holiday with them last year. Something they NEVER did with his ex in 6 years. I love them, and I love him.

What do I do? Where do I go from here? How do I handle this? He acted like nothing had been said at all. I am so confused and conflicted. I want to call him and tell him that if he doesn't know by now if this is what he wants, then I'm moving on, but honestly? I can't. I would never get over this relationship, ever.

Edited June 7, 2020 by KissingFire

[elaine567]

45 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

he felt he never truly had time to get over his breakup before me. (I met him on a dating website about 3 months after he split with his ex

You are the rebound.
He slotted you right into the space his ex used to occupy, that is why it felt all so cosy and warm and "right".
But now he has woken up to see that you are not his ex, and he decided to dump you.
He then apparently had  a quick rethink, and wanted you back, but it is all ruined now, as how can you ever relax and trust him again?
Two weeks later he may decide he was right to dump you....
People just out of LTR rarely make good partner material as they need time to process and to heal, no matter how ready they may think they are... 6 years is a long time...

[KissingFire]

39 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You are the rebound.
He slotted you right into the space his ex used to occupy, that is why it felt all so cosy and warm and "right".
But now he has woken up to see that you are not his ex, and he decided to dump you.
He then apparently had  a quick rethink, and wanted you back, but it is all ruined now, as how can you ever relax and trust him again?
Two weeks later he may decide he was right to dump you....
People just out of LTR rarely make good partner material as they need time to process and to heal, no matter how ready they may think they are... 6 years is a long time...

Thing is, we never wanted anything serious, when we first met, both of us were happy to keep it casual. As time went on, he is the one who asked me to be his girlfriend. We've been together nearly two years now, surely if I was a rebound, he would have left a long time ago... 

Edited June 7, 2020 by KissingFire

[d0nnivain]

Actually you give him some space by not living with him right now.  You moved in together due to lock down not because you were both ready for that level of commitment that came with co-habitation. His OCD made it all worse. 

He said he's not 100% happy;  that is vastly different from I'm 100% unhappy.  Keep in touch with a phone call, maybe a date but don't push.  Be reassuring but not obsequious.  If you push he'll bolt.  If you give him a chance to reclaim his living space & not feel smothered, he will become reoriented soon. 

Patience.  

 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, KissingFire said:

surely if I was a rebound, he would have left a long time ago... 

Not necessarily. 

[preraph]

He certainly didn't leave you with any hope by his words about can't give you false hope.   I wouldn't contact him and just see if he contacts you, because he broke up, so if he has second thoughts, it's up to him to contact you, not the other way around.  If you contact him, you'll simply end up being who he talks to about his travails with his ex or some new woman.

[KissingFire]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Actually you give him some space by not living with him right now.  You moved in together due to lock down not because you were both ready for that level of commitment that came with co-habitation. His OCD made it all worse. 

He said he's not 100% happy;  that is vastly different from I'm 100% unhappy.  Keep in touch with a phone call, maybe a date but don't push.  Be reassuring but not obsequious.  If you push he'll bolt.  If you give him a chance to reclaim his living space & not feel smothered, he will become reoriented soon. 

Patience.  

 

I was originally due to move back in on Monday the 15th, however he is pushing for this Friday which is in 5 days. I have backed off, and am not texting/calling unless he texts/calls first, and am losing myself in work which is very difficult considering I have absolutely no focus. Do you think I should leave it for a little while longer than five days?

[KissingFire]

3 minutes ago, preraph said:

He certainly didn't leave you with any hope by his words about can't give you false hope.   I wouldn't contact him and just see if he contacts you, because he broke up, so if he has second thoughts, it's up to him to contact you, not the other way around.  If you contact him, you'll simply end up being who he talks to about his travails with his ex or some new woman.

We never properly "broke up". He just sort of told me everything, and I asked where we went from here. He said he wasn't giving up on me, and I just need to give him time to sort his head out. He called me his girlfriend this morning, said he loved me several times, still has me as his FB photo and the relationship status is still the same. It's like nothing has changed, but I've had the rug pulled from under my feet. 

[d0nnivain]

I think you should take the SUMMER off & tell him you two can talk about you moving back in after Labor Day.  Then you resume dating like it's all fine.  Every time you go over there you leave with more of your stuff, subtly.  Leave a toothbrush & maybe 1 outfit, PJs & some undies but your presence should be little more then a drawer.  You really need to take the pressure off but don't severe the whole relationship.  Let him see you are open to balance & compromise.  

The only thing he wants to change is your address.  Do you not see that? 

Edited June 7, 2020 by d0nnivain

[preraph]

I don't think he is going to want her to move back in at all ever, but I agree he may resume relations.  

[KissingFire]

15 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I think you should take the SUMMER off & tell him you two can talk about you moving back in after Labor Day.  Then you resume dating like it's all fine.  Every time you go over there you leave with more of your stuff, subtly.  Leave a toothbrush & maybe 1 outfit, PJs & some undies but your presence should be little more then a drawer.  You really need to take the pressure off but don't severe the whole relationship.  Let him see you are open to balance & compromise.  

The only thing he wants to change is your address.  Do you not see that? 

He asked me to move in with him though, and for the first few months it was bliss. We celebrated his birthday last week and he was ecstatic with my gift, like a little kid in a toy shop. I spent the day with him and his family, and it was wonderful. He saw me dancing in the kitchen and singing to myself while I cooked dinner and he came up behind me and said he wanted to marry me in that moment. How does that change in a week? I am so sad. I don't know how I'll ever trust his word again. How will I know what's genuine and what is false because he wants to make me happy and doesn't want to hurt me... I want him to feel as deeply as I do, but I think back throughout our two years together and wonder what was real and what wasnt ... I feel so conflicted. I will start taking back some of my stuff when I'm next over... Out of sight, out of mind perhaps... 

Edited June 7, 2020 by KissingFire

[KissingFire]

Just now, preraph said:

I don't think he is going to want her to move back in at all ever, but I agree he may resume relations.  

He wants me to move back in this friday... I originally said we needed a week apart, and he insisted that he couldn't wait that long and that he would pick me up after work on Thursday at midnight. 

[d0nnivain]

He loves you but he also is conflicted.  Seriously take a step back.  It's the only way to make him chase you.  If you want this relationship to succeed don't live with him now.  

[preraph]

Well, he certainly did a flip-flop.  What do you think he's got planned this week that he wants you out temporarily?  Does the ex live right there in your town or is she living out of town and maybe is paying him a visit?  I don't buy what he's selling.  Sorry.

Edited June 7, 2020 by preraph

[KissingFire]

15 minutes ago, preraph said:

Well, he certainly did a flip-flop.  What do you think he's got planned this week that he wants you out temporarily?  Does the ex live right there in your town or is she living out of town and maybe is paying him a visit?  I don't buy what he's selling.  Sorry.

No, he's working all week, and I have his schedule on my phone (also he works with my dad). His ex hates his guts lol... She blocked him on everything. He didn't say anything to her, he just saw her in the car next to his. 
Edit; Also, it was my idea to move out. He never actually insisted, I just figured he needed space. 

Edited June 7, 2020 by KissingFire

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, KissingFire said:

His ex hates his guts lol..

Why is that?

[KissingFire]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Why is that?

Because he left her due to the fact that her parents were very overbearing and difficult to handle, and that they argued all the time while looking for a property to buy and they could never decide on anything and had very different wants and tastes... He dated a few girls before me, slept with a FWB and moved on within three months of it ending. Then he asked me to be his girlfriend, and she blocked me straight away - I didn't even know her name at this point so I guess she had friends keeping tabs on him. Also it was 5 years, not 6 that they were together but I can't edit my original post. (Not that it's relevant, I know it was a hell of a long time...)

Also, he's texting me constantly now. Calling me "baby" and "beautiful" and asking about my evening... I've been pretty neutral in the responses, but it's very difficult to remain reserved. I want things back to the way they where a week ago... Ignorance is bliss, I suppose.

I guess we'll either break up, or we'll become stronger. I wish I knew which one it will be, because right now I can't call it... 

[preraph]

He broke up with you, so you couldn't have just stayed there.  I mean, it's a given you would have to get out after a breakup.  Why do you think he did the flip-flop after just breaking up with you yesterday and giving you no hope for reconciliation -- and yet here he is.  Do you think his OCD or some other mental issue is dictating his moods, maybe?

[Redhead14]

3 hours ago, KissingFire said:

 That he loves me, but he's not 100% happy all the time and he doesn't know why.

100% happy all the time????  It sounds like his expectations for what a relationship looks like are a little inflated.  And, if you're saying you are, something is off somewhere.  Most of the time if a partner says they are 100% happy all the time, that partner is very tolerating and dismissive of their own feelings about certain things and very accommodating, etc.  There is a deficit in communication.  This usually catches up to the person at some point down the road and they blow up. 

You should give him tons of space and you take some time for yourself to do some deep and honest evaluation of the relationship, your expectations and needs and try to have a really hard core conversation with him about what his expectations are, what's lacking for him, etc.  He needs to be more specific about how he's feeling before you re-embark on moving this relationship forward.

The quick flip-flop in attitude is a little bit of a flag to me.  This is about treating you like a door mat.  If every time he's feeling antsy or not happy in the moment, he's going to do this little dance, that's not gonna work for you.  I wonder if something else is going on besides OCD.  What's going on in the background with him?

Edited June 7, 2020 by Redhead14

[FMW]

Maybe he expressed it badly, and it's not that he's NOT happy, but that he has doubts.  That would be normal if he moved on so quickly from a long term relationship.  It takes a while to process those losses/transitions.  And it seems that seeing his ex unexpectedly is what prompted this.  

Regardless, I wouldn't move back in with  him right now.  I wouldn't trust him to not flip flop, or that he may think that now he's expressed his thoughts, going forward you have been warned and you are on board with his uncertainty and he doesn't have to feel so bad if he flakes again.  In the meantime he gets to have all the stuff he likes about having you around.

I would be wary of him right now and take it slow.    

[Acacia98]

OP, there are a few things that stand out to me in your story;

1. That he shifted from one extreme to another so quickly.

2. That, having destabilized you emotionally, he now expects you to go back, and he's not even trying to have a conversation about it with you first. He's just going to pretend nothing happened and expects you to follow suit? I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, but that one thing makes me feel like this guy is going to hurt you very deeply. Be careful, OP.

[Acacia98]

49 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

 

The quick flip-flop in attitude is a little bit of a flag to me.  This is about treating you like a door mat.  If every time he's feeling antsy or not happy in the moment, he's going to do this little dance, that's not gonna work for you.  I wonder if something else is going on besides OCD.  What's going on in the background with him?

I'm actually wondering if he did the same to his ex.

[elaine567]

Just now, Acacia98 said:

I'm actually wondering if he did the same to his ex.

Yes he certainly did something to make her hate his guts...

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, KissingFire said:

Thing is, we never wanted anything serious, when we first met, both of us were happy to keep it casual. As time went on, he is the one who asked me to be his girlfriend. We've been together nearly two years now, surely if I was a rebound, he would have left a long time ago... 

He was still sticking you in the slot his girlfriend occupied for 6 years... and now, upon seeing her unexpectedly, he's discovering that he isn't emotionally ready to move on with someone new, but he doesn't want to be the bad guy in all of this and is trying to not be alone having to start over.

2 hours ago, KissingFire said:

he came up behind me and said he wanted to marry me in that moment. How does that change in a week?

He saw his ex and found out he still has unresolved feelings--despite what he's telling you.  If he was truly over her, he'd have been at the indifferent point with her by now--the 2 year mark---and him seeing her wouldn't have caused him to cut the line on you.

Edited June 7, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, KissingFire said:

He wants me to move back in this friday... I originally said we needed a week apart, and he insisted that he couldn't wait that long and that he would pick me up after work on Thursday at midnight. 

don't do this. That's a booty call.

Right now, he's not in the position to dictate terms. He wanted you gone a few days ago. Now he wants you in his bed.

This isn't going to end well for you if you don't put your foot down. He needs to take some time and figure out what he wants without you in close proximity... because he will blame you for his future unhappiness if you get in the car and go along with this shtick of his.

Edited June 7, 2020 by kendahke