Boyfriend isn't '100 percent happy' and he doesn't know why....

[lana-banana]

My gut is still on the rebound theory. He broke up with his ex, his first love, etc; he started dating you afterwards, thought it was what he wanted; and now he's met someone else who makes him feel the way his ex made him feel. I could be wrong, of course, but all the talk about "not being 100% happy" makes no sense (who is anywhere close to 100% happy all the time?). Nobody leaves a healthy relationship because they want to be alone. Breakups out of nowhere almost always involve someone else, whether it's flirting that got out of control or a love-at-first-sight kinda thing. It's also very common. I know a number of men who around the ages of 28-30 suddenly ended long-term relationships for someone else, usually that they went on to marry. It's called "training wheels syndrome".

Edited June 7, 2020 by lana-banana

[preraph]

For all any of us know, he might have broken up with you to take a shot at some new woman he met only to get immediately shot down, and back he crawls.  

[KissingFire]

7 minutes ago, preraph said:

For all any of us know, he might have broken up with you to take a shot at some new woman he met only to get immediately shot down, and back he crawls.  

Maybe, I will never know for sure, but I doubt it. Not that I ever go on his phone or feel the need to but he leaves it lying around, I know all of his passwords, etc. I've never got the idea that he's speaking to another woman.

18 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

My gut is still on the rebound theory. He broke up with his ex, his first love, etc; he started dating you afterwards, thought it was what he wanted; and now he's met someone else who makes him feel the way his ex made him feel. I could be wrong, of course, but all the talk about "not being 100% happy" makes no sense (who is anywhere close to 100% happy all the time?). Nobody leaves a healthy relationship because they want to be alone. Breakups out of nowhere almost always involve someone else, whether it's flirting that got out of control or a love-at-first-sight kinda thing. It's also very common. I know a number of men who around the ages of 28-30 suddenly ended long-term relationships for someone else, usually that they went on to marry. It's called "training wheels syndrome".

She wasn't his first love. He's had several girlfriends before his ex. He's 29 and I'm 26 if that makes any difference. 

He just asked me how work was going and I said "good, now that I feel a bit more focused after yesterday." He told me he was sorry for yesterday, but that it's been bothering him for months and he felt like he should have handled it better, but that he's glad he told me because we can try to move forward/past it now and it's a weight off his shoulders. 

I'm not really sure what to say to this. I want to be brave, but I'm afraid of starting conflict at the moment for fears I might ruin *any* potential chance at making our relationship through this. 

[preraph]

What's been bothering him for months?  I mean, he's coming right back and having you move in again.  What is it he's got a problem with if it's not you living with him?  Is there something you're supposed to have read between the lines here that he thinks he's straightened out with you without actually speaking about it??

Edited June 7, 2020 by preraph

[KissingFire]

3 minutes ago, preraph said:

What's been bothering him for months?  I mean, he's coming right back and having you move in again.  What is it he's got a problem with if it's not you living with him?  Is there something you're supposed to have read between the lines here that he thinks he's straightened out with you without actually speaking about it??

He said seeing his ex all those months ago just made him doubt a lot of stuff between us, whether I was the one and if he wants to live with me, etc. I don't really understand how he can tell me he "enjoys spending time with me" (Wtf, we've been together nearly two years! I'd expect crap like that from a brand new relationship, not one where we've chosen engagement rings and been to visit houses in.) but just last week we were talking about going to a Christmas market in Germany for my birthday in December. 

I don't know. I really don't know what I'm doing or what I'm supposed to do. I want to be with him, and I'm fighting the constant urge to call him because I know I need to leave him alone to figure this out for himself. He's a perfectionist and he has always said, that if something isn't 100% right, he's not happy with it. I just hate that his expectations are so unrealistically high. 

Edited June 7, 2020 by KissingFire

[preraph]

Well, perfectionists are never going to be happy unless you are giving them their way about EVERYTHING.  And he's OCD, which is beyond a perfectionist.  It's a problem.  

 

How could he work himself up to drive you on a drive to break up with you and then flip flop overnight?  There's something going on.  It could be his mental stuff (there may be more) or it could be he reached out to someone. You know, having kids with someone that mercurial could be a mistake.

[d0nnivain]

While I'm not on the OW conspiracy bandwagon, my original advice that you take a big step back & you take the summer to assess everything.  

[lana-banana]

Whether he's had several girlfriends before her is not the issue. The point is the one who he clearly isn't (wasn't?) over and where he is now. 

You talk about not wanting to ruin whatever chance you have at a relationship, but if this ends, it's not because of anything you did. The ball is totally in his court. It's hard to tell what's going on here, but generally speaking, somebody who is invested in a long-term relationship with you won't suggest you break up or see less of each other. If you do reconcile you'll have to figure out how to not be on pins and needles the entire time in case he does this again.

This is for sure not what you want to hear, but situations like this tend to resolve themselves one way or another pretty fast. My guess is by the end of this week---which I know feels like an eternity away---you'll have some answers about what it is he wants. 

Edited June 7, 2020 by lana-banana

[KissingFire]

28 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

Whether he's had several girlfriends before her is not the issue. The point is the one who he clearly isn't (wasn't?) over and where he is now. 

You talk about not wanting to ruin whatever chance you have at a relationship, but if this ends, it's not because of anything you did. The ball is totally in his court. It's hard to tell what's going on here, but generally speaking, somebody who is invested in a long-term relationship with you won't suggest you break up or see less of each other. If you do reconcile you'll have to figure out how to not be on pins and needles the entire time in case he does this again.

This is for sure not what you want to hear, but situations like this tend to resolve themselves one way or another pretty fast. My guess is by the end of this week---which I know feels like an eternity away---you'll have some answers about what it is he wants. 

He just told me he was sorry for yesterday and that he’s glad he’s spoken to me as it’s been bothering him for months. He said he loves me and wants a future with me - he’s just struggling to see it right now, despite the fact that he wants to be with me all the time.

What on earth do I even say to this... how can someone go from planning our autumn wedding to struggling to see a future with me... I am beyond hurt and feel terrified of what my future now holds. I feel like everything I’ve ever dreamed of has been ripped away. 

Edited June 7, 2020 by KissingFire

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

he’s glad he’s spoken to me as it’s been bothering him for months.

That doesn't sound good.
So whilst you were all loved up, he wasn't all in... for months...

[KissingFire]

13 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

That doesn't sound good.
So whilst you were all loved up, he wasn't all in... for months...

I guess it seems that way. I don’t know what to say or how I’m supposed to feel. I had no idea. 100% no idea. No inkling... we’ve been planning a wedding, talking about holidays, hell we even booked a holiday in October. I thought we were happy. We never argue, we are always all over each other, we make each other laugh... we started looking at houses together, we even saw a few before COVID. I just don’t understand. I’ve had the rug pulled from under my feet. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. 😔

[hippychick3]

I’m sorry OP, but this sounds like he wants to break up with you but is struggling with how to do so. He was probably intending on going through with it but chickened out at the last minute and now is just trying to see if he can possibly keep this going despite his doubts. 
 

Any man who is uncertain if he should be with you after 2 years is not a man to fight for. Give him an abundance of space right now. Let him know that you’re reanalyzing this relationship and won’t be ready to see him until you’ve decided what you want for yourself. Show him what it feels like to possibly lose you. At this point, that is the only possibility of salvaging this if there is any at all. 

[lana-banana]

My suggestion is to tell him it's unfair to yank you around like this, and to ask for space until he's made up his mind. You deserve better than hanging around in limbo.

[KissingFire]

12 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

My suggestion is to tell him it's unfair to yank you around like this, and to ask for space until he's made up his mind. You deserve better than hanging around in limbo.

I have told him that I can’t see him until he makes up his mind because if he can picture life without me then I don’t know how this is worth fighting for. He said he’s glad we can communicate and he feels better about us already and wants this and wants me but he just needs time. I am in pieces and I want this more than anything, but I know my own worth. 😔

[elaine567]

37 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

I guess it seems that way. I don’t know what to say or how I’m supposed to feel. I had no idea. 100% no idea. No inkling... we’ve been planning a wedding, talking about holidays, hell we even booked a holiday in October. I thought we were happy. We never argue, we are always all over each other, we make each other laugh... we started looking at houses together, we even saw a few before COVID. I just don’t understand. I’ve had the rug pulled from under my feet. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. 😔

He may be a commitmentphobe, he gets in so deep then feels trapped, sabotages and bails.
It may explain his last relationship too, all OK until they start looking at property he feels trapped, he starts arguing and then bails.

[KissingFire]

16 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He may be a commitmentphobe, he gets in so deep then feels trapped, sabotages and bails.
It may explain his last relationship too, all OK until they start looking at property he feels trapped, he starts arguing and then bails.

Maybe. When talking about our past, my experience was very different to his. My ex was a monster. An abusive monster who hit me, spat on me, called me names... I was backing out of the relationship long before it ended, even if I didn't know it at the time. (I quit my job to pursue my current career, travelled America on my own, etc.) But with him, he said it was because her parents were a**h***s, to put it bluntly, and he couldn't imagine a life raising kids with her with them in the background. It wasn't really anything she did, it just never felt right. His parents also strongly disliked her and said she was never right for him. 

I don't want this to end though. I love this man and his few flaws make up for the fact that he's brave, kind, strong... He takes care of me. He's my best friend. I cannot imagine life without him.

[KissingFire]

He just told me that he can imagine life without me, but also can't imagine life without me, and doesn't know what to think. I am tired. I am exhausted and tearful and just want to sleep. I am devastated that he can so casually say that he can imagine his life without me. 😔

[Lotsgoingon]

  

7 hours ago, KissingFire said:

He tells me that his mind is going 100 miles an hour and doesn't know where to start. That he loves me, but he's not 100% happy all the time and he doesn't know why. That I'm perfect and wonderful and have done nothing wrong. 

This is code for ... I want to break up with you. Whenever a partner starts layering on all kinds of praise about how good we are, how wonderful we are, that is all an indirect setup (a foolishly indirect setup) for saying they want to dump us. 

His statement that he never had time to process breakup with ex, let translate that for you. That statement = he's been badly missing the ex, thinking all the time about the ex, longing to see the ex. 

Trust me, I used to try foolish moves like the one this guy is making when I was younger. There is nothing he needs to figure out. He has figured out that he wants out of the relationship. Unfortunately, he's a scaredy-cat who is trying to let you down easy, when there is no such thing. Oh let me add this: he's been thinking of breaking up and wanting to break up for weeks before he told you anything. This feeling didn't occur moments before he talked to you. 

I'm sorry: he wants out. You'll never be happy. I know this is a painful shock. But ... let him go. Move on. The longer you allow him to drag this out, the more painful the ultimate breakup will be. You NEVER EVER need to persuade someone to stay with you. That's actually impossible and a contradiction in terms.

[preraph]

With some of your last posts about the wedding plans, etc. , I now think he has just bailed on commitment and probably his preference would be to just keep seeing you but without any expectations of obligations or responsibility on his part.  He has broken off the engagement but is down to keep sleeping with you if you are willing, with no hope for the future.  

 

I think you better stick to your guns and not see him until he makes up his mind he wants a life with you or not.  He's wasting your time right now.  You should date other guys.  If that doesn't wake him up, nothing will.  See, he wants to breakup from commitment but still have exclusive rights to you.  Don't let him.  If there's no commitment, there's no commitment and you can date.

Edited June 7, 2020 by preraph

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

See, he wants to breakup from commitment but still have exclusive rights to you.  Don't let him

I agree, 
He  broke up then same day then asked you to come over for I guess sex, now he is still "confused".
 

[Lotsgoingon]

It's a mistake to think that by sleeping with him (and "making" him feel so good and all of that--there is no such thing) he will change his mind and he'll fully come back to you. 

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. That's a delusion. 

 

[Redhead14]

2 hours ago, KissingFire said:

I have told him that I can’t see him until he makes up his mind😔

Don't give him this kind of power!!!!!  You make up his mind for him and tell him you're moving on because if he doesn't know if he wants you by now, then the truth is that he doesn't and that you are not going to put yourself on hold for anyone PERIOD.  End this yourself and take back your power over this situation.  He will do this dance with you for as long as you will put up with it.  Once is enough.  No ultimatums.  If he were a man who did actually care for you at all, he would have just plain ended it instead of satiating his ego by watching what you will tolerate to keep him. 

Edited June 7, 2020 by Redhead14

[SincereOnlineGuy]

9 hours ago, KissingFire said:

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd ever find myself back on this forum asking for advice.

I met the love of my life after a horrendous abusive relationship in 2018, and we fell in love quickly. We traveled the world, we started looking at houses, we had our children's name picked out. I have never been happier or more in love in my whole entire life. I knew from the moment we met that he was the one. I had never been so sure of anything in my life.

That was until yesterday. He picks me up to go for a drive. My back is already up because I've been dumped this way so many time I've lost count. 

He tells me that his mind is going 100 miles an hour and doesn't know where to start. That he loves me, but he's not 100% happy all the time and he doesn't know why. That I'm perfect and wonderful and have done nothing wrong. That he felt he never truly had time to get over his breakup before me. (I met him on a dating website about 3 months after he split with his ex and 1 month after I split with mine.) and that he saw her a few months ago in public and felt guilty for moving on with me so fast, as he had been with her for 6 years. I stayed calm, knowing that begging gets me nowhere and told him I was glad he had finally spoken to me about this, as we've been in lock-down together, and for the past week, he had been getting pissy about everything and anything, and I had no idea what I'd done or why. He told me he liked his own space and that his OCD has been really bad since I've been there, but he loves me being with him and loves waking up next to me. If it makes any difference, we had only been intimate once in ten days as I had a bad accident with my leg which resulted in me going to the MIU. He took care of me, painted my toenails when I couldn't bend down, hell, he even cooked for me, and he never cooks for anyone. 

I was beyond confused and asked where we went from here, and he said he didn't know. He said he didn't want to hurt me in the long run, and if that we keep going, he can't promise me any false hope that we might be okay again. I was heartbroken, absolutely destroyed. I asked him if he wanted to keep going to see if it's just his thoughts being messy because of work (he's on a new section with his job, and it's very stressful, especially with the rioting and looting going on right now - he works in the public sector.) and I said was I not worth trying for? And he agreed, kissed me on the back of his hand and told me of course, that he loved me more than anything and he wanted to give us some time. We have a vacation booked for October, and I have no idea if that's going ahead now. 

So, I moved back in with my parents with a few bags to give him some space and time. All my other belongings are at his, but I can do without them for now. I am lost, hollow and confused, not eating or thinking straight, when he calls me the very same day and asks me to come over. A stronger woman than myself might have said no, but I had to see him. He acted as if nothing happened. He was playful, kissing me, telling me he loved me, cuddling me on the sofa, and we fell asleep holding each other. This morning, things got intimate and he made me breakfast while I showered. He held my hand in public as we dropped off his mum at the shops, and when he dropped me home, he said he couldn't wait to see me again, called out of the window to say hi to my dad, then told me he loved me as he drove off, and that I can move in again on Friday as he is on late shifts until then. (We originally agreed Monday, so I'm not sure what changed..)

I love this man. I would do anything for him. I would support him through everything. I want a future with him. Not being with him doesn't bare thinking about, I can't imagine a life without him. I believe he is the other half of me, truly. I have never been happier in my life, and we have never really argued. We have the same values, friends, he has introduced me to his hobbies. His family are my family - hell, they took me on holiday with them last year. Something they NEVER did with his ex in 6 years. I love them, and I love him.

What do I do? Where do I go from here? How do I handle this? He acted like nothing had been said at all. I am so confused and conflicted. I want to call him and tell him that if he doesn't know by now if this is what he wants, then I'm moving on, but honestly? I can't. I would never get over this relationship, ever.

I sense you wanting and needing to EXPRESS... 

 

but I don't think there is any significant "action" that you need to take.

 

It IS possible that you could over-react...    and over-think all of what you've described.

 

It IS also very possible that YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU as an individual have NOT done anything at all to bring about this pause...     the two of them are perhaps just sensing the value of the shared investment they made in one another...  or at least she is...

 

Certainly, IF you become inspired to  "move on"...   then DO so without looking back!

 

But also stop and recognize that the big question/concern involved with him right now may not be any fault  in-you/of-yours.

 

IF HE alone somehow concludes that whatever he was building for 6 years can be rekindled for any long-term use...  then so be it...

 

If you see another opportunity,  GO for it.

 

But what you DON'T want to do right now is get home, look in the mirror... and think you need to shave your brows and lashes...  or think you should take up bodybuilding and macrame just to please him.

 

(of course you just want to express...  outwardly... while pondering this confusing picture...      I just don't want you to even perceive that anything that transpires ahead needs to represent any grade or worth about yourself)

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, KissingFire said:

He just told me he was sorry for yesterday and that he’s glad he’s spoken to me as it’s been bothering him for months. He said he loves me and wants a future with me - he’s just struggling to see it right now, despite the fact that he wants to be with me all the time.

It would be huge mistake to move back in with him any time soon. He will pull the cord again; I can nearly guarantee it. 

He's been mentally checking out for a while and you had no idea. This is a man who doesn't communicate well, and I would not be able to trust that he won't do it again. He's evidently been thinking of his ex for some time and he's now trying to butter you up because your company suits him - when it's convenient.

He needs far longer than a few days to properly sort out his thoughts. You can see that he's all over the map. This isn't the time to move back in. He's too unsure what he wants and the collateral damage (to your heart and emotional well-being) could be very significant. 

 

[kendahke]

22 hours ago, KissingFire said:

He told me he was sorry for yesterday, but that it's been bothering him for months and he felt like he should have handled it better, but that he's glad he told me because we can try to move forward/past it now and it's a weight off his shoulders. 

Oh, yeah, I'm sure he feels the weight off his shoulders---he dropped his unexploded bomb in your lap where it went off and the blast didn't muss his hair, so I guess he would feel that way.  He left that with you to deal with.

Quote

He just told me that he can imagine life without me, but also can't imagine life without me,

He just wants sex with you on his terms.

Edited June 8, 2020 by kendahke