Boyfriend isn't '100 percent happy' and he doesn't know why....

[KissingFire]

He's been completely normal with me today. Tagging me in things on FB. Messaging me constantly, long paragraphs talking about work and stuff. He said he'll call me after work tonight when he finishes as well. I don't know what I'm supposed to think. He called me last night and told me he loved me and wanted to get through this because he does see a future with me and he hopes this is just a blip in our relationship. I just re-booked a ton of driving lessons for when lockdown is over and I'm trying to keep my head up. I have to be the woman he fell in love with, I have to keep doing things for myself. He asked me if I was staying on Friday and he said he'd pick me up after work... I told him I haven't made my mind up yet. Maybe I'll go, but just for a week or so, so I can evaluate the situation in person and start collecting more of my things... That is what my gut is telling me to do, but I'm not sure if it's the right thing. 😔

[d0nnivain]

It's the wrong thing.  You can go on a date with him Friday & stay over but go home on Saturday or at least on Sunday.  DO NOT spend the week with him. 

[elaine567]

Of course he feels better, he has dodged "commitment" and has just demoted you from "serious"  back to "girlfriend or even just "casual" and you are still sticking around.

[KissingFire]

30 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It's the wrong thing.  You can go on a date with him Friday & stay over but go home on Saturday or at least on Sunday.  DO NOT spend the week with him. 

I think I'll do this. Thank you for the advice. 

 

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Of course he feels better, he has dodged "commitment" and has just demoted you from "serious"  back to "girlfriend or even just "casual" and you are still sticking around.

We're still in a relationship, and he's told me he does want a future with me, he just needs some time to adjust to me living with him, as it was kind of forced due to the virus. He admits himself that he's a commitment-phobe. I really hope you're wrong, but I guess we'll see in a few weeks. 😥

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

 He admits himself that he's a commitment-phobe

You can't have a proper relationship with a commitment phobe, at some point he will duck out. 
It could be at any major commitment juncture, or as you have found  simply moving in for lockdown and making plans...
Engagement, wedding, house, first child, second child... in fact anything that makes him feel trapped and unable to cope and he will be gone...

[preraph]

Date other people. Don't agree to be exclusive with him because he's just so relieved right now that you don't have marriage plans coming up anytime soon. You should go out with friends and have a good time and not let him lock you down.

[lana-banana]

23 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

he's told me he does want a future with me, he just needs some time to adjust to me living with him, as it was kind of forced due to the virus. He admits himself that he's a commitment-phobe.

This makes zero sense. You've been together for two years and were planning a wedding, but he "needs to adjust" to living together? I don't know what his deal is but he is absolutely not being straight with you.

[KissingFire]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You can't have a proper relationship with a commitment phobe, at some point he will duck out. 
It could be at any major commitment juncture, or as you have found  simply moving in for lockdown and making plans...
Engagement, wedding, house, first child, second child... in fact anything that makes him feel trapped and unable to cope and he will be gone...

Thanks for the heads up I guess... 😥 I love him too much to just walk away. He is my perfect man, everything I had ever dreamed of. Tall, handsome, gets on with my parents, stable job, has strong family values... I don't know how I could ever go back to living without him when he has made my life so happy. 

[KissingFire]

3 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

This makes zero sense. You've been together for two years and were planning a wedding, but he "needs to adjust" to living together? I don't know what his deal is but he is absolutely not being straight with you.

He has OCD and has been coddled by his parents most of his life, so doesn't really know what it's like to live on his own, let alone with someone else. The virus forced him to move out as his mother has health issues. He has never moved out. 

Edited June 8, 2020 by KissingFire

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, KissingFire said:

He is my perfect man, everything I had ever dreamed of. Tall, handsome, gets on with my parents, stable job, has strong family values...

BUT he is a self confessed commitmentphobe...

[lana-banana]

Just now, KissingFire said:

He has OCD and has been coddled by his parents most of his life, so doesn't really know what it's like to live on his own, let alone with someone else. 

That has nothing to do with him apparently imagining his life without you. I said this already but someone who wants a future with you doesn't do this.

I don't care how tall and handsome he is. There seems to be a massive imbalance between your feelings and his feelings, as well as goals for the future, and that's a recipe for disaster. Focusing every molecule on "being the woman he fell in love with" while desperately hoping he doesn't pull the cord again sounds miserable.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, KissingFire said:

 he hopes this is just a blip in our relationship. 

It’s not a “blip” if it’s been bothering him for months.

He’s relieved a more serious commitment is off the table. He told you himself he’s a commitment phobe, right? You’re learning that’s completely accurate. He’s fine to date you when it’s not too serious or when he knows you won’t be around all the time. He’s not ready for anything more.

Add to that this business about his last break-up and ex, and I would advise you to tread very cautiously with this guy. You stand to get really hurt all over again, I fear. 

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

Thanks for the heads up I guess... 😥 I love him too much to just walk away. He is my perfect man, everything I had ever dreamed of. Tall, handsome, gets on with my parents, stable job, has strong family values... I don't know how I could ever go back to living without him when he has made my life so happy. 

So you refuse to walk away even though he doesn't want you anymore?

[Redhead14]

21 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

 He is my perfect man,

A perfect man takes the milk for free for 2 years and then pushes you away because he's not happy or sure you're the one?  And, then continues to let you to string yourself along and have sex at his beck and call???  Yep, he's a prize.  I don't think you need to worry about other women trying to steal him away.  How long was he with his EX?  Did he do this dance with her too?

[KissingFire]

32 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

That has nothing to do with him apparently imagining his life without you. I said this already but someone who wants a future with you doesn't do this.

I don't care how tall and handsome he is. There seems to be a massive imbalance between your feelings and his feelings, as well as goals for the future, and that's a recipe for disaster. Focusing every molecule on "being the woman he fell in love with" while desperately hoping he doesn't pull the cord again sounds miserable.

It's more for me to be honest, to remember my own worth and remember how to be who I was before I met him. 

[KissingFire]

27 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So you refuse to walk away even though he doesn't want you anymore?

He never said that... I'm not refusing anything, he never really split up with me, he just wanted to tell me what was on his mind. He never actually said he wanted to break up. He just asked me for time. 

[elaine567]

Sorry if I have missed this, but how old are the two of you?

[KissingFire]

27 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

A perfect man takes the milk for free for 2 years and then pushes you away because he's not happy or sure you're the one?  And, then continues to let you to string yourself along and have sex at his beck and call???  Yep, he's a prize.  I don't think you need to worry about other women trying to steal him away.  How long was he with his EX?  Did he do this dance with her too?

He was with his ex for 5 years, and they split because he didn't like her pushy parents or controlling attitude when it came to building a home together. She wanted a project, he didn't. She didn't want kids, he did, etc. 

I know and admit it's hard for people to see all the good in this man, but he truly saved my life. I was a battered woman before I met him. He protects me. I have travelled the world with him. It's easy to vilify someone based on a post I suppose. I'm not justifying what he said to me and I'm not naive enough to think that he might not walk away at the end of this. I know he might. I was just sad because he always has been my dream guy. You guys don't know him like I do. He took me to the very same place where my ex first laid a hand on me and comforted me, made me create new memories there with him so I could forget the vile memories. He helped me fall in love with the city again. He went with me to therapy. He holds my hand everywhere we go because he knows I am afraid of running into my ex (before he got put away). He proudly shows me off to anyone who will listen. I love all of his friends and family. He cried with me through my nightmares. He volunteered with me at domestic abuse shelters when I never asked him to. He helped put my ex behind bars. He tells me I'm beautiful and worth the world when I feel low. He is a good man... Just immature and runs at the first sign of true commitment, and If I am criticized for wanting to stand by him for this being his only flaw, then so be it. I just use this forum to vent and express my feelings in the moment, despite how irrational they might be. 

I do appreciate the advice though and read every comment, so thank you. 

Edited June 8, 2020 by KissingFire

[ExpatInItaly]

I get it’s hard to reconcile the guy you thought you knew with the man telling you he doubts your future together. But this isn’t exactly a flaw. 

It’s him not even being sure he feels the same way about you anymore. It’s him telling you he’s been thinking about his ex. These aren’t characters flaws. It’s the man voicing his doubts that you’re the woman he wants to be with. It’s him having been plagued by doubts for months and only now admitting it.

Stand by if you wish. But please be very careful. These situations have the tendency to badly rupture the bond you once had and make it incredibly difficult to move forward. People who admit they have commitment issues tend to break a lot hearts. 

[Redhead14]

18 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

He was with his ex for 5 years,  She didn't want kids, he did, etc.

5 years and they didn't close the deal!!!????  So far you're only in for 2.  What's your limit? 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, KissingFire said:

We're still in a relationship, and he's told me he does want a future with me, he just needs some time to adjust to me living with him, as it was kind of forced due to the virus. 

But it’s not just about living together, is it?

The commitment issue is certainly part of the equation, it appears, but it’s not the whole story. I went back and read your first post on this thread: He also told you he felt he hadn’t had enough time to get over his last relationship. He also said he saw his ex a few months ago and it made him feel guilty for moving on. The guilt wouldn’t generally overwhelm someone to the point of eating away at them for months thereafter and needing space from their partner. 

I don’t know, girl. This is sounding more a like a man who bumped into an ex and realized he still has more feelings for her than he should, and that is what stirred up all this guilt. Not guilt for  moving on, but guilt for harbouring some feelings when he’s in a relationship with someone else. 

Edited June 8, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Calmandfocused]

Op I’m older than you, but I experienced an almost exact replica of what you’re going through at about your age. Perfect man, living together, very close, no issues, building a future together etc. The only difference was he completely finished with me out of the blue and I had to move out ...a week before Xmas. 

3 months later he came back, just as I was starting to rebuild my life. I was making new friends, looking for a house, started  eating again. But what hadn’t changed was that I still loved him. 
 

Did I take him back? No. 

The reason: I could no longer trust him with my heart. He’d betrayed the trust I had for him and I couldn’t rebuild it. I couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t do it to me again. 
 

Morale of the story: You won’t trust your man again either. You’ll be anxious and preoccupied about what he’s thinking and feeling. It won’t and can’t ever be the same. 
 

You can’t see it at the mo because your heart is telling you to do whatever to be with him. But your brain won’t forget and your feelings will undoubtably change for him because of this. 
 

I know that’s not what you want to hear ... I’m sorry. 
 

 

 

[KissingFire]

23 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But it’s not just about living together, is it?

The commitment issue is certainly part of the equation, it appears, but it’s not the whole story. I went back and read your first post on this thread: He also told you he felt he hadn’t had enough time to get over his last relationship. He also said he saw his ex a few months ago and it made him feel guilty for moving on. The guilt wouldn’t generally overwhelm someone to the point of eating away at them for months thereafter and needing space from their partner. 

I don’t know, girl. This is sounding more a like a man who bumped into an ex and realized he still has more feelings for her than he should, and that is what stirred up all this guilt. Not guilt for  moving on, but guilt for harbouring some feelings when he’s in a relationship with someone else. 

I totally understand and get this. Thank you for not attacking me with sarcasm, etc. I do appreciate it.

I will discuss this with him further when I see him. To be honest, he didn't really mention his ex much after the initial statement that he saw her, but perhaps I didn't push hard enough for answers. I will definitely keep this in mind. Perhaps what you say is true... Perhaps it isn't. I will ask him for a truly honest answer in regards to her. He never really hated her and their breakup was messy, so I never asked him about it unless he wanted to talk about it first. He knew it was never going to work with her due to not being able to agree on anything, the kids/not wanting kids, etc etc. 

I like to think I'm handling this relatively okay... Especially as old Me would have begged and screamed and cried. I know not to do anything like that ever again. 

It's funny. He's just messaged me with a link to a house. He wants to book an appointment with me tomorrow to go and see it sometime this week. Sigh. He was excited about it, said it had three bedrooms with one I could convert into my home office. He wanted my opinion on it.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. 

[KissingFire]

8 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op I’m older than you, but I experienced an almost exact replica of what you’re going through at about your age. Perfect man, living together, very close, no issues, building a future together etc. The only difference was he completely finished with me out of the blue and I had to move out ...a week before Xmas. 

3 months later he came back, just as I was starting to rebuild my life. I was making new friends, looking for a house, started  eating again. But what hadn’t changed was that I still loved him. 

Did I take him back? No. 

The reason: I could no longer trust him with my heart. He’d betrayed the trust I had for him and I couldn’t rebuild it. I couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t do it to me again. 

Morale of the story: You won’t trust your man again either. You’ll be anxious and preoccupied about what he’s thinking and feeling. It won’t and can’t ever be the same. 

You can’t see it at the mo because your heart is telling you to do whatever to be with him. But your brain won’t forget and your feelings will undoubtably change for him because of this. 

I know that’s not what you want to hear ... I’m sorry. 

Thank you for your story. I do appreciate it and a fresh perspective. I'm glad that someone has been through something similar. I guess I just have to go with my heart. I have to try... I have to try for him. If he breaks my heart at the end of this, at least I can say I tried. I would never forgive myself if I just walked away without giving us at least some sort of a chance. Maybe you're right... Maybe not. I hope in my heart that I could learn to forgive. 

How did you ever get over it? I have been through several breakups in my time... Painful ones. Ones that took years to move on from, but I never loved any of them like I love this man. I don't know or can't even fathom how I could ever possibly move on from this one... (I know, it's dramatic, sue me, I've had a glass of wine...) 

Edited June 8, 2020 by KissingFire

[preraph]

1 hour ago, KissingFire said:

He never said that... I'm not refusing anything, he never really split up with me, he just wanted to tell me what was on his mind. He never actually said he wanted to break up. He just asked me for time. 

But the sum total of what was on his mind was he didn't want to live with you, but then overnight, he flip-flopped and gave you a certain day you could move back in.  It's fishy.