Boyfriend isn't '100 percent happy' and he doesn't know why....

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, KissingFire said:

He has OCD and has been coddled by his parents most of his life, so doesn't really know what it's like to live on his own, let alone with someone else. The virus forced him to move out as his mother has health issues. He has never moved out. 

Wait . . . 

go over this living together thing for me again.  I thought he lived independently & you moved in due to Covid so you wouldn't be going back & forth possibly infecting your parents. 

If this was his first living not with his parents & he jumped straight to playing house with you due to the pandemic, no wonder his OCD kicked in & made him crazy.  

Do not go look at houses with him now.  Tell him it's nice that you are thinking about the future but given this hiccup, we need to slow down.  If you want to buy a house, good for you.  We're not buying one together right now.  To make sure it's really me you want & you are not just putting me on some roller coaster, we're going to live apart for the summer.  Come fall, we can talk about co-habitating again.  then we can talk about getting engaged. For now, you need to reassure me that you aren't going to bolt again. 

Then stand your ground.  Date him but make him earn a commitment from you.  Emotionally you need to keep him at arm's length until he proves himself again.  You both need to learn to stand on your own 2 feet 

[preraph]

The part I am still totally confused about is he flip flopped overnight but ready to move back in on a certain day and he's relieved you have this new understanding and talked about IT.  What is IT?  Because I thought IT was he didn't want to live with you anymore.  So what's he so self-satisfied and relaxed about now?  I think he assumes he has broken off the engagement.  

[lana-banana]

13 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

It's funny. He's just messaged me with a link to a house. He wants to book an appointment with me tomorrow to go and see it sometime this week. Sigh. He was excited about it, said it had three bedrooms with one I could convert into my home office. He wanted my opinion on it.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. 

So in the past two days he's told you he wants to break up, he's still thinking about his ex, he doesn't want to break up but doesn't want to live together, he's been bothered with thoughts of his ex for months, it's just a blip, and he wants to keep looking at houses?

This man is not stable. 

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

This man is not stable.

Or something else is/was going on.  Like a third party maybe who has now decided to reject him, so he is now trying to get back with you...
Is he a cop?

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, KissingFire said:

It's funny. He's just messaged me with a link to a house. He wants to book an appointment with me tomorrow to go and see it sometime this week. Sigh. He was excited about it, said it had three bedrooms with one I could convert into my home office. He wanted my opinion on it.

This is absurd, given the bomb he just dropped on you. 

This man has no clue what he wants; he's all over the map and can't be relied on right now. It would be very unwise to go looking at houses with him. Something is going on with him and I have a bad feeling you don't know the whole story yet.  He is also completely lacking in awareness of your feelings, and seems to be quite selfishly (albeit probably not intentionally) prancing about his life like everything is fine. His own conduct the last few days is a red flag in and of itself. Are you sure he hasn't been talking to another woman? I know it hurts to think of, but there are a couple indicators he's got someone else on his radar. 

And for what it's worth, yes, I went through something similar with an ex many years ago now. I too had no idea anything was wrong until 2 years into it (and living together) he came home one night and told me was having doubts about us. I was dumbfounded. We wound up staying together, but I never fully trusted him with my heart again. In the back of my mind, I often found myself wondering when it would happen again. And it did, about 4 years after. We split up for good and it was the best choice for both of us. 

I can't say what will happen here, but your guy is showing all kinds of troubling behaviour. I would absolutely put the brakes on any future wedding or housing plans. That is only going to paper over a much bigger crack that needs to be addressed. 

 

[Calmandfocused]

8 hours ago, KissingFire said:

Thank you for your story. I do appreciate it and a fresh perspective. I'm glad that someone has been through something similar. I guess I just have to go with my heart. I have to try... I have to try for him. If he breaks my heart at the end of this, at least I can say I tried. I would never forgive myself if I just walked away without giving us at least some sort of a chance. Maybe you're right... Maybe not. I hope in my heart that I could learn to forgive. 

How did you ever get over it? I have been through several breakups in my time... Painful ones. Ones that took years to move on from, but I never loved any of them like I love this man. I don't know or can't even fathom how I could ever possibly move on from this one... (I know, it's dramatic, sue me, I've had a glass of wine...) 

I won’t lie. It took me a very long time to emotionally recover. But I had good support from family and friends and I started focusing on me. The first thing I did was buy a house so it would give me security and I’d never be in that position ever again - where a man could throw me out with nowhere to go. 
 

Once the rose tinted glasses came off and I reflected on the relationship, i started to realise how selfish my ex was. Even though I was very happy with him, the relationship was all about him. I changed everything to grow our relationship. He changed nothing. Furthermore he drank too much and whilst he never got blindly drunk (ever) he was motivated by the pub every day and that wasn’t really a lifestyle I wanted. 
 

Once I was out of it and felt much better I realised that he wasn’t the man I wanted to be with anyway and I was thankful it happened, even though at the time it was really painful. 
 

Don’t let the fear of any emotional pain cloud your thinking. Remember that if you never saw him again, you will be ok and you will move on eventually. Don’t let him off the hook just because you want everything to return to normal. 
 

Whatever you decide, look at your relationship realistically and make sure you listen to what you brain (not just your heart) is telling you going forward. 

[KissingFire]

13 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Wait . . . 

go over this living together thing for me again.  I thought he lived independently & you moved in due to Covid so you wouldn't be going back & forth possibly infecting your parents. 

If this was his first living not with his parents & he jumped straight to playing house with you due to the pandemic, no wonder his OCD kicked in & made him crazy.  

Do not go look at houses with him now.  Tell him it's nice that you are thinking about the future but given this hiccup, we need to slow down.  If you want to buy a house, good for you.  We're not buying one together right now.  To make sure it's really me you want & you are not just putting me on some roller coaster, we're going to live apart for the summer.  Come fall, we can talk about co-habitating again.  then we can talk about getting engaged. For now, you need to reassure me that you aren't going to bolt again. 

Then stand your ground.  Date him but make him earn a commitment from you.  Emotionally you need to keep him at arm's length until he proves himself again.  You both need to learn to stand on your own 2 feet 

It's a long story but you hit the nail on the head. We were looking at buying/renting a place back in early Spring, then Covid happened, and he started living in a holiday home not far from his parents because the owners owed them a favor. Yes, it was our first time properly living together. (Aside from vacations, house-sitting, etc.) 

I have told him that I will be staying for the weekend only and then will be returning home to finish off some work projects. He was a bit upset and said he hoped he could change my mind and that I'm welcome to stay as long as I like.

He also apologised last night. He told me he was sorry for how Saturday must have made me feel and that he understands that I'm in a weird position and that he has hurt me and that he hopes this weird funk is temporary. Then he told me that he never stopped loving me, and he never wants me to doubt that he doesn't love me anymore because he does. He insisted I explain everything on my mind from now on and that if I had any thoughts, to let him know. I told him I had thought about walking away, and he said he thought about it as well, but now that I know how he's feeling, he just wants to try and get through this and come out stronger.

My male friend called me yesterday and said he felt the same way about his girlfriend sometimes. He is in the same predicament as me, as in his girlfriend moved in with him after a year all of a sudden due to covid, and he struggles and has things he calls "blips" where he has doubts about wanting to be with her, but that he loves her and he just forgets about it because he knows he doesn't want to live without her. It made me feel a little better hearing it from someone else I suppose.

I don't know what's going to happen with the house - it's beautiful. It's like a dream home to me. Spacious, three bedrooms, modern... Everything we ever wanted. I am trying to remain reserved, but if he goes for it and buys it without me then where do I stand? I wanted this to be something we did together. I'm remaining quite stoic and leave a good amount of time between responses. I'm meeting up with friends and have several work deadlines this week as well, so I'm trying to stay busy instead of wondering what he's up to. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Let him go ahead and buy the house without you if he wants. 

If he genuinely understands how much he has hurt you, he will hold off on trying to now push you into a huge decision like this. He couldn't handle living together for a couple months; he's really not ready to purchase a home together, no matter how much you both want him to be. I think it's completely self-centred and unfair for him to even propose this right now. He doesn't get it, OP. You need to have a serious think about his willful blindness to what he's just put you through, why it's a completely bone-headed move to bring up a house days after he nearly broke up with you.  I think you need to do a little more digging into what's been going on with him in the months since he'd seen his ex and was sent in a waves of doubt thereafter. You don't have the full story there, I don't believe. I strongly sense that he'd edited out certain things so as not to hurt you even more. 

I would date for a few more months and see if he has more "blips" first (I hope he doesn't use this understatement-of-a-word to describe what's just happened) You two have just had a major rupture to your relationship. It won't go back to normal for a while and you need to first understand how you are going to navigate this before making more permanent choices. Otherwise, you could find yourself financially and legally tied to a guy who once again realizes he's this unsure about you. 

Edited June 9, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[d0nnivain]

Let him buy a house.  The last thing you need is to be tied to him through a mortgage.  You two were never ready to live together.  You really aren't ready to marry.  If not for Covid this would not have happened.  You simply need more time to date.  

Seriously, go back to what I originally said, no cohabitation for the summer.  After Labor Day you can discuss where you stand. 

I think he got scared & freaked.  His OCD made it all worse.  He expressed his fears badly so you have some communication issues.  Those can be worked out over time if you stay in separate residences for the time being.  

[elaine567]

Forget "love".
Women go all gooey over love and men know it.
He broke up with you as he couldn't see a future with you and he had been been mulling over this for months AND he admits to being a commitment phobe...
NOW he wants to buy a house...
Madness.

 

[KissingFire]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Forget "love".
Women go all gooey over love and men know it.
He broke up with you as he couldn't see a future with you and he had been been mulling over this for months AND he admits to being a commitment phobe...
NOW he wants to buy a house...
Madness.

 

I don't know what you want me to say.

I love this man, regardless of what anyone on here thinks, and if I have to fight for him, I will. He never broke up with me, he just said he was thinking about it and that it was bothering him and he's glad he has now talked about it and hopes we can move forward.

Edited June 9, 2020 by KissingFire

[elaine567]

Just now, KissingFire said:

I love this man,

That was never in dispute.
BUT does he really love you?
That is your problem...

[kendahke]

22 hours ago, KissingFire said:

He admits himself that he's a commitment-phobe.

So when you bring it up to him in the future that he's not setting a wedding date, he's going to say to you "I told you in June of 2020 that I was a commitment phobe".

What he wants is sex on his time-table and he'll say whatever he needs to say to get it. What happened was his ex, right now, shined him on, so he wants to pick back up with you. Since they saw one another, she most likely will at some point contact him again to check his temperature --  because they've got unfinished business -- and he's going to put you through this again.

How to find out where he stands: tell him that you've changed your mind about this weekend and that you still need some more time to process what he put you through and then shook off as if he didn't tell you he didn't see a future with you, etc. His response will tell you everything you need to know about where he is.

He expected you to go walk that off and that's why he's gaslighting you and acting like last couple of days never happened; and not only are you walking it off, you're skipping and dancing at the prospect of spending a week with him to "see how it goes"... and that tells him that while you may pout and complain, he's got you in his back pocket now and can get you to try this on and wear it whenever he wants you to back up off him.

I wouldn't spend the night with him.  As I said, midnight rendez-vous are booty calls. Give him a week to cool his jets and see what's up.

Edited June 9, 2020 by kendahke

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, KissingFire said:

I love this man, regardless of what anyone on here thinks, and if I have to fight for him, I will. He never broke up with me, he just said he was thinking about it and that it was bothering him and he's glad he has now talked about it and hopes we can move forward.

Your position & desires are clear.  His . . . not so much.  

We are simply suggesting that you proceed with caution.  If you move back in with him right away, his OCD is going to flare up again fast & then this will be over.  Slow & cautious.  Date for a while longer.  Talk.  Do not rush into living together, home ownership or marriage.  Without being aggressive about it, make him prove to you that this was just a hiccup on his part not a true desire to end the relationship.  

Since we don't know him & we've seen many people in love fall for these types of about faces, we are simply skeptical.  You would do well not to rush headlong back to him. 

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, KissingFire said:

I love this man, regardless of what anyone on here thinks, and if I have to fight for him, I will.

But you see, you shouldn't have to fight for him or anyone.  Fighting someone to convince them to stay with you is a fool's errand. They should want that like their next breath; and if he feels overwhelmed, say that.   Use that word. Don't tell someone you don't see a future with them or tell them they need to move out. Just like he expect you to walk this off, he needed to go walk that off, not figure out how to get you out of the way so he can check his ex's temperature to see if she still wanted him without suffering your reproach. Right now, she doesn't and that's why he's gaslighting you and love bombing you.

Proceed with him at your own emotional peril.

Edited June 9, 2020 by kendahke

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, KissingFire said:

I love this man, regardless of what anyone on here thinks, and if I have to fight for him, I will. He never broke up with me, he just said he was thinking about it and that it was bothering him and he's glad he has now talked about it and hopes we can move forward.

Oh, girl. My heart hurts for you reading that. 

I know it's very painful. I know you naturally just want to be with him and are probably fighting every instinct to run right back and hope you two can just put this behind you. While I don't generally buy into the idea of fighting for someone, so to speak, it should be the other way around here. He' pulled the rug out from under you. He threw a cold bucket of water on what you thought was a wonderful relationship.  And now he wants to behave as though this was not such a big deal. If anyone needs to fight for this, it's him. 

The only thing we can generally say is really take your time here, and don't make any fast decisions about your future with him. The nearly instant flip-flop is the sign that he doesn't have his head screwed on straight about any of this. It would be insanely risky to make any significant life choices about your relationship at this time. Your relationship can't support that right now. Maybe in a few months, but now? It's almost a guaranteed path back to "yeah..about those doubts I had before? Well, they're back. I'm so sorry."

The other thing I would have a honest and probably difficult talk about is his ex-girlfriend. Something about seeing her triggered him in a major way. It was enough that he cited it as a reason he was struggling. I would ask if he's been in contact with her since then, or if he's tried to reach her. It doesn't matter if she hates him. You need to know what the story is there, as I get the sense this is a bigger piece of this puzzle than you realize. He seems to have unfinished emotional business about her, even if it's not mutual. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I get it, "love." Unfortunately in situations like this, "love" is a lagging indicator--meaning we'll feel it even after we figure out that a relationship can't work for us. 

Please, quit worrying about the house. The purchase of the house (or your part) means absolutely zero, below zero, for how the relationship will turn out. If things work out, you can go to an estate attorney and have your name added to the deed, go to the bank and have work out getting your name on the mortgage. Thinking about the house is not what you want to be focusing on right now.

Please ... be a little careful ... guilt-ridden guys like this ... will try to have sex with you and tell you wonderful things ... not only to string you along ... but also to deal with their own guilt. He could do himself and you and favor by quitting the apologies and instead getting brutally, honestly clear on what he wants. 

To back up. Any chance he wanted more alone time when you guys were living together? ... or don't-talk-to-each-other-just-sit-here-quiet time? Any chance you on the other hand loved constantly talking when you guys were together? This guys just sounds like someone who would need a lot of alone time. You don't necessarily sound like that.

[Dis]

My heart hurts reading this. So sorry, OP.

 

I agree with the others to take it slow and stay in separate residences for the next few months. But I do think even if you do everything within your power to fix this, the end result is going to be him pulling this "I don't know" stuff again. 

 

I know some posters are telling you to leave now to avoid any future hurt which might be a smart idea but.....when push comes to shove I personally can't imagine leaving my SO of two years without fighting for the relationship until it got to the point where I knew I did everything I could and unfortunately, there's no other option than to walk away. It's at that point where one can truly walk away with out regret and even though there is hurt, at least it's not the hurt of, 'what if I tried x,y,z or what if it would've worked out if I had stayed?'

 

I mean, how many of us could really just walk away after 2 years sharing your life with someone without trying? ... I couldn't 

Edited June 10, 2020 by Disillusionment373

[healing light]

The thing about commitment phobes is that they can't commit to being with you OR being without you. 

So I think when things were getting too close for comfort with talk of the future, he had niggling doubts that grew and needed to push you away. But then the anxiety kicked in and he didn't want you gone, so now he's covering it up by playing future talk again with the houses. He'll be back to pushing you away again if you guys take concrete steps towards engagement and living together, is my prediction.

[Acacia98]

On 6/8/2020 at 1:02 AM, KissingFire said:

My ex was a monster. An abusive monster who hit me, spat on me, called me names... I was backing out of the relationship long before it ended, even if I didn't know it at the time. (I quit my job to pursue my current career, travelled America on my own, etc.) But with him, he said it was because her parents were a**h***s, to put it bluntly, and he couldn't imagine a life raising kids with her with them in the background. It wasn't really anything she did, it just never felt right. His parents also strongly disliked her and said she was never right for him. 

You know, it's possible he wasn't as forthcoming with her as he is with you about the reasons why that relationship didn't work. Maybe he seemed to be all in then suddenly he wasn't. And maybe something or another made him ambivalent and he hid that ambivalence from her, all the while doing things that led her to believe they had a future together, a future that involved marriage and kids. Maybe he gave her mixed messages for a while then ended things. Five years is a long time for two people to be together. If this is what happened, his actions would have hurt her so deeply that she would, understandably be angry with him to date and possibly still struggling to move on. And he would probably feel guilty or unsettled.

The reason why I'm thinking about this is because people are who they are. And it's often evident in their behavior. The way they treated their previous boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse or whatever is possibly the way they'll treat you. And they won't necessarily be 100% honest about how things played out in the previous relationship. Maybe they'll leave out the bits where they weren't 100% fair to the other person. Perhaps they do it deliberately. Perhaps it's a subconscious thing, especially if they're not very self-aware.

I know it sounds like we're picking on you or on him. But we genuinely aren't. Some of us have been through eerily similar situations. And some of us have seen the same happen to people we love. We see patterns that we recognize in your story.

I think it's admirable that you're loyal and want to stand by your guy, whatever his flaws. But remember that there are different types of flaws. There are flaws that limit a person but don't seriously affect his capacity to be a good partner. And then there are flaws of the type that destabilize/damage relationships. I'm definitely not saying that you should just break up with him and walk away when you're still not sure where things stand. But you should be cautious. Be aware that he may be feeling things that he's not being forthcoming about. Be aware that he has the capacity to love you today and not be sure tomorrow. Basically, protect yourself so that, if this happens again, you don't feel blindsided. If things get to a point where he's settled into a pattern of sending you mixed messages, please be ready to consider that it's time to end things. Because the longer you stay in such a situation, the lower your self-esteem will sink. The damage won't be done as dramatically as it happens in a blatantly abusive relationship, but it will be there all the same. And it's the type of damage that's hard to recover from. If that happens to you, you may find yourself feeling the way his ex appears to feel now. And by that point, you may have sunk five years into the relationship too.

[KissingFire]

Hey guys.

Thanks for taking the time to leave me messages, I do appreciate it. I have taken everything on board and am at home now. 

Just wanted to throw it out there that last night he finally admitted to cheating on me. He was making his lunch for work, which is something I usually do, and I told him to sit down and I'd do it for him. I like doing little things like that, I love looking after him... He told me I was too good for him and that he didn't deserve me and that I could do better. I was confused, our three days together had been nice. A little more reserved than usual, but nice. I asked him what this was really about, and after some pushing, it all came out. That everything else has been a ruse, because this is the one thing that was bothering him. That he didn't sleep with this girl after a few dates with me, oh no. It was last year. March, to be exact. That an old booty-call of his called him, asking for advice about her abusive ex and he went over after a late shift. (He's a police officer.) It just happened. "A moment of weakness."

I felt weirdly numb about the whole thing. He was crying, telling me he was sorry and that he would never do it again and never will.  That he has hated himself every day because of it. I know we had only been together for about three months at this point, but cheating is cheating. My first response was "do I need to get tested?" and he told me no, that they used a condom. If anything that broke me even more, because for a moment when you have to put a condom on, he could have backed out. He didn't. He said it only happened once. I told him to tell me the truth, to lay it all out on the table and he swore that he has never done it again. That he regrets it every day and hates that he has done this to me. I was relatively quiet about everything. He told me he understood if I wanted to leave and never speak to him again. I said I didn't know what I wanted and he promised me that he wants me, and that he wants this, that he will fight for me and us. I said I needed time and space, and that he should go to sleep as he has work early.

I laid awake for hours, staring at the ceiling, panic attack after panic attack. I debated going through his phone. I debated just leaving right there and then. I eventually fell asleep and woke up to him tucking me in and kissing my forehead. He got into bed with me after getting his uniform on and held me in his arms, telling me how much he loved me, I'm not even sure he knew I was awake properly, then he left.

One friend told me to leave him and never look back. Another friend told me to stay and work things through as it's clear that we love each other. My heart tells me to stay and try and see if forgiveness can be found, but my head is telling me to run and never look back. A better woman than myself would leave and not even question it, but I love this man. I thought I loved him unconditionally. I asked him if everything was real, looking at houses and engagement rings, picking out baby names, travelling the world... He told me it was and is and that he meant every word. I told him I didn't want any pretty lies, or for him to try and get through this because he pitied me. He told me I was the strongest woman he knew and that every day I amazed him and left him speechless.

I am at home trying not to fall to pieces. To my knowledge, I have never been cheated on in my life. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or react or what I am supposed to do. I think back to all the happy times, laughing till we were crying, travelling the world... How could I walk away from that? Then I wonder how could I ever trust him again. Would I live my life wondering where he is? He said he called me after every single shift since that night because he couldn't stand the guilt and he always wanted me to know where he was. 

Maybe I should have walked away last week. Ignorance is bliss. I would never have known.

[FMW]

I'm sorry to read your update ☹️

I would recommend taking a break from him and giving yourself time to think things through without having any interaction with him.  

[d0nnivain]

It's good that you know.  Once the initial shock / heartbreak fades, you will move toward anger & that will spur you into action 

Small silver lining you knew something was off.  Now you know what. 

Break up.  Be done.  Heal & move on.  

[elaine567]

Cops have a reputation for being not the most faithful...
OK so he cheated so why was he dumping you and telling you he saw no future with you?

My guess he was torn between you and some other woman, the one he has told you about or another. 
He got as far as dumping you for her to find she didn't' want him.
Now he is back but was racked with guilt so decides to tell you about  the ONS in the hope you can forgive him.
I seriously doubt he was dumping you for a ONS, that you had no clue about.
There is more to this than that.
BTW it takes 3-5 years to get over a cheating incident and  learn to trust the cheater again (if you ever do) and that is usually with intensive counselling.
Most unmarried people with no kids find it is best to just move on to someone they can trust. 

[Vitaminka]

OK, still, his recent behavior makes no sense. I mean he did cheat on you more than a year ago, but he didn't treat you any different. He still wanted continuing seeing you. Only as of recently he broke up with you, made up, he is happy, he is unhappy, he doesn't want a relationship, he is not over his ex, he wants a relationship, he wants house hunting together, did I miss anything? He lied about being unhappy for months. He faked being happy with you for months. Very Wishy Washy behariour.  There is still something he is not telling you. Probably has woman  in the background you are not aware of.  The one he cheated on you with or a different one altogether?  Perhaps he saw an open window to get back with his ex. Perhaps things with another woman didn't work out after all and he wants you back. Perhaps the other woman is married/.partnered is is unwilling to leave her partner. Since she made a choice for him, he came back to you with his tail between his legs. He did dump you, or rather made things clear that whatever you had was over. He practically made no choice for you but to leave.  He would not do that for no reason. Either way, his behaviour makes no sense. Breaking up over something that happen over a year ago when the two of you were barely dating and telling you that he is unhappy with you as of now makes me scratch my head. 

There is something more. There has to be more. He is not telling you everything.  Either keep digging deeper or better leave him. You don't have kids, mortgages, so just end it. Or take a very long pause at least. 

Edited June 15, 2020 by Vitaminka
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