Revealed feelings to co-worker, didn't go well. Now what?

[TOAW]

Hello all, let me start by saying thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully respond with some good advice. I'm really struggling with this whole situation and how to proceed. 

I am a supervisor at my company and I have been working with this woman since last August. In the last 6 weeks, she has been promoted so I have been working even more closely with her. I guess I have always had a bit of a crush on her but it has intensified in these last six weeks. I will say that all of the details of this situation would make anyone say "this can't possibly work out", but feelings are still feelings and I need to know what to do with them. 

1. I am her direct supervisor

2. We are both married, with children

That said, I can't help but feel a deep connection to her and I had a really good feeling that she felt the same way. I am not in an "unhappy" marriage by the way. I've just spent so much time with this woman lately that it has really clouded things. We work together 4 days a week and in that time, there is a lot of playful flirting back and forth but we have also got into a few arguments over tiny little things and I know that for my part, that is because I have these feelings for her and they distort the line of a work-only relationship. She left work upset one day last week (not because of me, but because of another employee at the job) and she immediately began to text me to explain her displeasure. We had a long texting conversation which led to me finally revealing that I have feelings for her. I did that expecting her to say the same so that we could talk about it together and move on. But here was her exact response, through a text:

"I don't even know what to say..." and then "I'm not mad at you so don't think I am", meaning that she's not mad at me for having those feelings. That was the extent of it. We worked together the next day and everything was fine, that whole situation was not even addressed. Personally, I'm glad that I told her. It took a lot of weight off of my shoulders to say something. Admittedly, I was disappointed in her response or lack thereof. 

I am not hopelessly in love with this woman, but I do feel like it will be tough to get to a "workplace only" relationship. What confuses me most is she will call me and text me several times every day, on days we work together and days we have off. Sometimes it's a work related issue, but other times it's not. She has text me to ask me everything from how to improve her credit score to what color she should paint her nails next. And while we work together, I feel her flirtatious behavior around me is blatant. 

I'm not sure what to make of her intent, and I'm not sure why it would be your boss you would contact with such things. 

I can get over it with time and from my standpoint, I will never even broach the subject again. But I am wondering what you might think her thoughts are or what she sees me as? What I really don't want is for her to use this knowledge to get an advantage at work knowing "he'll probably do anything for me now", because it won't be long before other employees notice what is going on. 

Any insight anyone may have into this would be much appreciated. 

[preraph]

People often become friends with their coemployees or supervisors.  I'm sure she's hoping you will never bring it up again or get personal with her so that she can believe it wasn't that serious so she doesn't have to feel awkward and threatened at her place of work.  I imagine she worries now about retaliation since many women have become deprioritized and lost their jobs to this type situation at work from their offended supervisor once rejected.  I would never speak of it again and just be pleasant, unpersonal, and professional, and let any and all flirting just fade away on your end.  

[smackie9]

 

You are disappointed with her response?? you kidding me? she just saved your marriage Jack. ...and guess what.... your coworkers already see what's going on and they are talkin. You see the mess coming this way? She could go to HR and have your job (remember #Metoo?)...then what do you tell your wife why you are under investigation? or why you lost your job? etc. She could extort this information because she's got it in writing. What do you do? Is it not obvious? You personally apologize to her for your behavior. Then you smarten up and you keep things professional. Stop answering those texts after work and stop flirting. If possible find a way to transfer or request to work with someone else if things take a turn for the worse.....never do that again.

Edited June 7, 2020 by smackie9

[MK2020]

My advice is distance yourself emotionally from this woman.  Rekindle your relationship with your wife and put this energy into your kids. Or if you are miserable in your marriage, divorce her and go date bunch of other women.  Live an abundant live.  

Edited June 7, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Oh dear. 

As her direct supervisor & you both being married did you not understand that speaking up means you opened yourself to a complaint for sexual harassment? Your career is on the line here! The fact that there is a "paper trail" in the form of the text message is even more dreadful.  NEVER EVER communicate emotional things in text.  It's just flat out wrong on an emotional human level.   In a work context, use the brains God gave you.  This poor choice of forum undermines your competence & gives your employer pause about whether to have confidence in you.  Ugh. 

You have 2 choices.  

Option one you keep your job.  You spend lots & lots of time & energy fixing your marriage.  At work, you focus on work.  You act  like this exchange with this woman never happened.  Apologize one in person.  Assure her it will never happen again & get on with life. 

Choice two:  You divorce your wife & start looking for a new job so you can put a lot of distance between you & her.  If you do anything else, you will be on the wrong side of your employer's door.  

Edited June 7, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Yosemite]

On 6/7/2020 at 8:33 AM, TOAW said:

What confuses me most is she will call me and text me several times every day, on days we work together and days we have off. Sometimes it's a work related issue, but other times it's not. She has text me to ask me everything from how to improve her credit score to what color she should paint her nails next. And while we work together, I feel her flirtatious behavior around me is blatant. 

I'm not sure what to make of her intent, and I'm not sure why it would be your boss you would contact with such things. 

She does those things so that when the time comes she'll be first in line for a promotion or a raise. It's not a secret that it's a good idea to make sure that your boss likes you (in a non-romantic way.)

Some guys interpret all friendliness and politness from any woman as flirting when it is actually only friendliness. Sounds like that's what happened to you, she was being friendly and personable with her boss, you misinterpreted it as flirting and made a move on her, and now she has to worry about your ego and hurt feelings giving her crap assignments and retaliating against her in other ways in the workplace.

It's kind of embarrassing that you 1) confessed you feelings 2) did it over text and 3) actually believe that you confessed so that the two of you could talk about it and move on. Come on. You did it to start an affair whether you want to admit it to yourself or not.

Quote

We worked together the next day and everything was fine, that whole situation was not even addressed. 

What choice did she have? People have to be nice to their boss whether they want to or not. Her only option was being polite and pretending everything was ok or speak the truth and face losing her job...she couldn't tell you what she really thought of your actions. You basically asked her to cheat and now are completely bewildered and perplexed that the answer was no. 

On 6/7/2020 at 8:33 AM, TOAW said:

I guess I have always had a bit of a crush

She's not required to be attracted to you just because you're attracted to her.

Edited June 9, 2020 by Yosemite

[snowcones]

Damn.  You are in a situation, my friend.  I say fade to black as much as possible.  Don't respond to her texts that aren't about something you're working  together on at work (i.e. something your boss will evaluate you on).  When/if she asks about you not chatting with her, say oh sorry I got distracted with my wife.  Keep it strictly work-related when you see her at work.  Don't flirt, don't chat, be dry and unresponsive to her flirting.   If she causes problems because of you acting distant (some women don't take rejection well), come back to post here for advice then.

[snowcones]

And if you're struggling to contain your feelings for her, you're going to have to buddy or you're going to lose your job and/or your family.

[DKT3]

I believe this is similar to how most married women who have some interest would respond.  I'm in know way trying to encourage you because this will end badly if you gi down this road, but she is interested,  you just moved too fast. MW like to play the it just happened role. She is actively engaging with a man she knows has romantic feelings for her.  If her comments were followed by work only communication I would say she wasn't interested.  But she is finding BS reasons to open lines of communication.  I suspect in a few months you two will be romantically involved.  That's when all your troubles will start. Risk of losing your family,  home and job. 

[ShyViolet]

You made a really, really bad choice.  You are her direct supervisor.... if you care about your career, you should have known better than to do this.  You just opened yourself up to an HR nightmare.  Going forward just never speak of it again, and act professionally around her.  Stop the unnecessary texting.

[basil67]

She may well be flirting with you.  But, back before sexual harassment was a thing, the mutual flirt which never went anywhere was not unusual at all.   Don't assume someone who flirts actually wants it to be more than that.

[DKT3]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

She may well be flirting with you.  But, back before sexual harassment was a thing, the mutual flirt which never went anywhere was not unusual at all.   Don't assume someone who flirts actually wants it to be more than that.

It's more then flirting.  It's the flirting plus not shutting him down after his admission then the fishing text messages.  The woman is interested, what her end game is, I don't know. 

 

[spiritedaway2003]

Never mind for a second what her reaction is.  

You just opened up a can of worms. What exactly is your endgame here? Did you tell her because you want her to reciprocate and start an affair?

If you are harboring feelings, it will only grow. You might think it’s silly but distance yourself or transfer to another dept where you don’t have to work closely with her.  You are playing with fire and it’s one that could destroy both your family and career.

Edited June 9, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[Springsummer]

Hey, maybe he cares more to have an affair than his job and family

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

She may well be flirting with you.  But, back before sexual harassment was a thing, the mutual flirt which never went anywhere was not unusual at all.   Don't assume someone who flirts actually wants it to be more than that.

Bingo IMO. I agree with this and with @DKT3 that there is some level of reciprocal interest here. This is a slippery slope for both of you IMO, you're just a bit farther down it than she is (possibly than she'll ever be, but there's no way to know that in advance).

As many have pointed out, putting both your career and your family at risk over this makes zero sense. I agree you need to back away. The irony is that, per what some folks have noted there's a solid chance she will actually chase you a little as you back away. However, you shouldn't succumb. IF you were to have an affair with this woman, even if you tried to be extremely careful, there is a solid chance you'd be discovered at some point, probably at least a solid 10% chance, maybe higher. Between the work environment, and both your families, etc. It's simply not worth the risk IMO, particularly as a supervisor and with documentation that could in theory be used against you one day.

You may not be very familiar with chat rooms such as this one, but if your AP came to one in emotional distress, or her husband upon discovery, there are people who would urge them to not only tell your wife, but also your employer. This ostensibly would be to "ensure the affair ends". There is logic to that and it's a legitimate reason, however thoughts of the consequences for you of these actions would be of little account. I suspect some, possibly many of those who give such advice would feel you are "one of those awful OMs" and "got what you deserved" upon having your life blown up.

At any rate the bottom line is that it's simply not worth it to continue with this.

[lana-banana]

Maybe she was flirting, maybe she wasn't---it sounds more like the natural consequence of two people working together closely for a while, rather than any intentional boundary-crossing on her part, and her response certainly doesn't sound interested---but what were you thinking? You're both married and her direct supervisor, and you told her about your feelings in writing? How could she possibly have responded? Your only hope is that she doesn't go to HR and report you and in the meantime you need to request a new assignment such that you have little to no contact with her going forward.

I cannot imagine how uncomfortable this is for her knowing that her (married!) boss has feelings for her, and I cannot imagine you wanting to work with someone who now has what's essentially blackmail over you. She might not just tell HR, but possibly your other colleagues, maybe even your wife. And if you think "oh, she'd never do anything like that", she definitely might not, but do you really want to take that risk? How can you even go to work knowing that your colleague has a life-destroying bombshell just waiting on her phone? The faster you can get out of this situation the better. Honestly I would start looking for a different job.

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

She wasn't flirting. The nails and all that, those are things I'd chat with my female friends about. You need to just back off from this entirely. It could mean your job. And your marriage too, but you didn't seem to worry about that in your post so I only bring it up incidentally.