My mom treats my daughter poorly

[ladybug2021]

I have moved back to my country last year after living abroad for many years. I was feeling very lonely there because my family is all here, so was happy to come back, especially to be near my mom.

But what's been happening is that she is constantly fighting with my daughter. My daughter is 8 and is so sweet. My mom can be a nice person, but when she gets pis*** off by something, her ego comes up and she acts like a 3 year old.

Like for example she is constantly meddling and asking questions and talking all the time, and sometimes my daughter asks her to stop for a minute and she gets angry and starts an argument with my daughter. My daughter is 8! They look like two children.

This has been happening several times, and I'm even stressed to leave my daughter at her house to go run some errands or work, because I never know when they'll start again.

And it has been worse and worse. Yesterday we were in the car and they were both at the back, we were tired and my daughter wanted a bit of silence, so my mom started talking and she said for her to stop, and my mom started "why do I have to stop"? And "why can't I talk", etc. This went on and on and no respect for the fact I was driving.

It's always like for her my daughter putting boundaries she sees it as attacks to her ego. She can't even understand my daughter is a child and is tired and just wants some silence (after we being together all afternoon).

Then today was the last straw. My daughter was at hers and then she called me asking me to go there (I live a 5 minute walk from my mom's). So basically they started fighting again and my mom snatched my daughter's phone from her hands and throw it against the wall! Fortunately it didn't break.

When my daughter told me this, I confronted my mom and first she lied saying she didn't do that, and afterwards she said she did, and started shouting at me for confronting her and telling her she cannot do that! 

Things escalated and she was very arrogant saying she has the right to do whatever she wants because she is in her house. She should be saying sorry to me because it's basically a phone I offered my daughter, she simply cannot do that!

I told her to throw her own phone against the wall, not other people's. Then she started yelling at me that my daughter is not well behaved and that I don't educate her well and etc. I got really mad by all this and told my daughter we're going. to leave, and then my mom said  to us "go away, this is my house, get out of my house".

I was in tears when I got back to mine, because basically I didn't even do anything to her. She doesn't know how to deal with. my daughter and she turns into a toddler doing a tantrum. When my daughter is with there other grandmother, things are very smooth and calm because the other grandmother is different, is a mature and calm person.

I just feel very lonely again, because all my friends that I used to have here, or either went abroad too, or live far away, etc, and I have no boyfriend or partner. 

I don't want to completely break up with my mom, but this can't go on like this. She used to do these things to myself when I was little and it killed my self-esteem for years. She didn't learn anything, she is still doing the same things.

I'm sad to say this, but if she wasn't my mom, I would break up with her because she is toxic. This is very toxic behaviour.

She then sent me a message apologising (for saying get out of my house, not for throwing away the phone) but I'm too hurt to even respond.

I'm thinking that things with her have to be very once and a while and for brief periods of time, and no leaving my daughter alone with her at her house. 

Thank you for reading. Any advice?

Edited June 7, 2020 by ladybug2021

[d0nnivain]

Sorry but you gotta "break up" with mom.  At the very least you can never leave your daughter alone with this toxic woman for longer than it takes you to use the bathroom & come back into the room.  

Set about building yourself a reliable support system.  Mom is not it.  

[ladybug2021]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Sorry but you gotta "break up" with mom.  At the very least you can never leave your daughter alone with this toxic woman for longer than it takes you to use the bathroom & come back into the room.  

Set about building yourself a reliable support system.  Mom is not it.  

I don't have a support system. Her dad lives far away and I have no friends. The only other person that helps is the other grandmother (my ex's mom) when my daughter stays there for the weekend every 2 weeks. At hers there's no problems and everything is fine.

The only support system I have is her school when she is there, but now with the virus there's no schools open.

I am not leaving my daughter alone at her house anymore. IF we meet again it will only be in public places.

 

Edited June 7, 2020 by ladybug2021

[d0nnivain]

I understand that you do not presently have a support system. Presumably you moved back so mom could be that support system.  But since mom failed you, now you have to build your own.  It's not going to be easy but what else is there, let mom destroy your child?  

[ladybug2021]

19 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I understand that you do not presently have a support system. Presumably you moved back so mom could be that support system.  But since mom failed you, now you have to build your own.  It's not going to be easy but what else is there, let mom destroy your child?  

Of course I won't let my mom destroy my child. What happened today and other times won't happen again.

Yes I thought my mom was going to be my support system, but I just realised she is a smaller child than my daughter. 

I have decided that meeting up with my mom is only going to be from time to time and in public places. If I need to go to her house for some reason I'll not leave my daughter there alone with her anymore. 

I suspect my mom's has narcissist traits and that's why she has no self-awareness or responsibility and acts the way she does and has that sense of entitlement, like the world owns her something.

So I won't even have any conversation with her about it, I'll just do like this from now on. We need strong boundaries with people like her and keep things very superficial. It's sad but it's what reality is.

My daughter's school will re-open activities at the end of this month for the summer holidays, so she'll go there a few hours per day every day so I can work and go to the other grandmothers house so I can rest and that's it for now.

Edited June 7, 2020 by ladybug2021

[ShyViolet]

Your mom is not "fighting" with your daughter, your mom is mistreating your daughter.  You need to stop allowing your mom to be around your daughter at all, before she does permanent emotional damage to your daughter.  She is 8 and at a very impressionable age.  Emotional abuse leaves scars that can last forever.  This is the last thing she needs.  You are absolutely within your rights to "break up" with your mom.   Especially when a child's well-being is on the line.

[ShyViolet]

I'm just curious, was your mom abusive to you growing up?

[ladybug2021]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Your mom is not "fighting" with your daughter, your mom is mistreating your daughter.  You need to stop allowing your mom to be around your daughter at all, before she does permanent emotional damage to your daughter.  She is 8 and at a very impressionable age.  Emotional abuse leaves scars that can last forever.  This is the last thing she needs.  You are absolutely within your rights to "break up" with your mom.   Especially when a child's well-being is on the line.

You are right, she is mistreating my daughter and being emotionally abusive.

Yes my mom was abusive to me growing up. She would shout at me, call me names, yell for hours on end, break my stuff, basically I was a punching bag for her to act on her childhood traumas.

It killed my self-esteem and my self worth and for many years I didn't believe fully in myself and attracted into my life people with similar patterns to her.

It took me years of therapy, a spiritual awakening and a lot of inner work to be the person I am now. I have created a successful business, and my self-esteem is great. I feel now I am the person I should have been my whole life.

Fortunately I have the consciousness and awareness to break the pattern and do different and I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter. In her house she has the security, validation, attention, love and care that I never had (or had but in a rollercoaster style).

I see my mom mistreating all sorts of people like this. She thinks she has the right to mistreat people who do not behave like she wants. Last month she shouted at a real estate agent that is selling one of her houses! She doesn't respect anyone. 

My mom has 3 sisters that live nearby and every single one of them only meets with my mom every so often and for brief periods of time. Because they know how she is.

And that's exactly what I am going to do. Meet every so often, in public and for brief periods of time, where she behaves in a good way with my daughter because she cares about what other people around think. No more staying in her house and no more my daughter being alone with her. Because she is never going to change and no more situations for her to mistreat my daughter.

My daughter is a very smart and sweet girl and I want her to grow with a healthy self-esteem like it should have happened to me.

Edited June 8, 2020 by ladybug2021

[schlumpy]

Could this be a cultural war between your daughter and your mother?

I assume your daughter has been raised exposed to another culture? Has your daughter absorbed some cultural traits from the other culture that is rubbing your mom the wrong way? 

[ladybug2021]

9 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Could this be a cultural war between your daughter and your mother?

I assume your daughter has been raised exposed to another culture? Has your daughter absorbed some cultural traits from the other culture that is rubbing your mom the wrong way? 

Don't think so, but good question.

The thing is, they love each other and my daughter really likes to spend time with my mom and vice-versa as they have fun together (also with our dog which my mom loves too), and before the virus lockdown there were no issues.

It just seems people gone crazy with the lockdown and the quarantine, every little thing rubs them off and they pick up on each other.

It might change again, who knows, but for the time being my daughter do not stay alone at my mom's and we only see each other for short periods of time. 

[Pumaza]

I never heard of kids many times tell adults to be quiet. Somewhere it looks like your kid is doing what you wanna see her say to your mom?

Or something happen and you not telling us.

What ever it is you cant leave your kid with mom.

You have good relationship with your mom? Your daughter may be copy the way she see you act ot say stuff aboit her?Like maybe at home you say oh granma talks alotttt.And your kid copy you by telling her stuff like stop talk?

Or at 8 th something happened to your mom,and its to confrontational for her dealing with your kid?

[Ruby Slippers]

On 6/7/2020 at 5:14 PM, ladybug2021 said:

I have decided that meeting up with my mom is only going to be from time to time and in public places. If I need to go to her house for some reason I'll not leave my daughter there alone with her anymore. 

This sounds like a good idea to me.

When I was growing up, my dad was verbally and emotionally abusive. As an adult, anytime I was visiting him and my mom and he started treating me badly, I simply left, sending the message that I wouldn't let him treat me that way. Eventually, the attacks decreased, and by now it never happens. I made it clear that if he wants a relationship with me, it will have to be respectful and kind or there won't be a relationship.