Michael 93 Posted June 7, 2020 Share Posted June 7, 2020 What’s up guys. Long time since I’ve been a posted on here - still keeping an eye though. Got a big situation man , well in my opinion. My girlfriend and I broke up around 3 weeks ago - well she left and moved back to her parents. We had been up and down for some time. She was 8 months pregnant at the time of moving back home. We agreed to work on it (now with obviously more space) and tried to do so. It was still difficult - stresses of lockdown and having a baby - life stress etc. We weren’t the perfect couple but there was no infidelity or serious sinister stuff that went down. It would be more bickering and arguing more than anything. Last week, she grabbed me at breakfast and said we needed to speak (after staying the night) Number 1 she said - I need to say the baby won’t be coming to your mums when she is born - I don’t like the fact she smokes and the house is quite small. I didn’t want to argue so explained I would speak with my mom and for the beginning stage would stay with her to support etc Number 2 she said -we need to speak about the name. Our relationship is quite unstable and I don’t want her having your last name. Like a knife to the heart - had many plates in my time and fair share of s*** but this one hurt like no other. I said I would have to agree to disagree and asked her to leave There is now 2 weeks of pregnancy left. She hadn’t reached out in about 5 days - I shot her a text last night saying I want to be there and if she can let me know if any developments with labour etc - 0 reply Called today following some advice from my pals who said as the man to step up - declined the calls and text saying “I will call you when I am ready” When she left my house she also mentioned about not wanting me at the birth and I have heard from mutual friends she will be taking a family member. I am devastated to be honest. I know what it’s like to be in a disjointed situation and that’s not what I wanted at all.. Usually quite cool and can handle these situations - struggling with this one though. Extremely difficult to be honest. Hard to not lose my s*** completely and blast her but I’m trying to avoid that 100% She holds all the cards right now and I’m very aware of it. There’s potential for her to have this baby and I may not even know - and the name.....well she could name her absolutely anything and I wouldn’t have a say in it. help, please! Thanks in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2020 Share Posted June 7, 2020 This your child & you have rights. Call a lawyer 1st thing Monday. I'm not sure they can get you in the delivery room. With Covid-19 if she's balking the hospital could keep you out for safety reasons but last name & visitation / custody are yours. You may have to fight for them but do not walk away from your child. As for not talking to her, that is not an option. You two are joined FOREVER as a result of the child you share. If you don't want anything to do with her AND the child now may be your shot to get her to accept a relinquishment of your parental rights, and the last name for a complete release from CS. If that is not what you want, you have to fight for your kid. It's time for you to act like a father because that is what you are. Link to post Share on other sites
gamon Posted June 7, 2020 Share Posted June 7, 2020 Your girlfriend clearly has no intention of working on things. At least not right now. Really not much you can do, as you said she holds all the cards. There's 3 items of concern in your post. 1- You are trying not to "blast her" because she holds all the cards. Seems like you've got anger management issues which probably caused a lot of these problems and will continue to manifest themselves until and unless you work on them and fix it. 2- Your girlfriend is being perfectly reasonable to not want the baby confined to a small, smoke filled house. A reasonable guy would respond "I totally get it, no baby at mom's unless she promises not to smoke when the baby's there". Your response "I'll talk to my mom about it". Weak, and not very caring or compassionate to say the least. Especially when you preface it by saying "I didn't want to argue with her about it" as if you think she's wrong. She's not. There's another item of concern. You think you're "being a man" by not taking no for an answer and demanding you can be there when the baby is born and have your last name on the birth certificate. That's not "being a man" it's being arrogant. It's not about what you want especially since you've got zero control over the situation. I sort of understand why your girlfriend is giving you a wide berth, and that's just from knowing a paragraph about you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
gamon Posted June 7, 2020 Share Posted June 7, 2020 4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: This your child & you have rights. last name & visitation / custody are yours. Are you an attorney licensed in the jurisdiction of the Op? Because I don't think you're correct on the last name and custody assumptions. My opinion- custody must be obtained, it's not a given right. Last name is the choice of the mother. Generally speaking. Remember they aren't married. This changes things. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2020 Share Posted June 7, 2020 I started with recommending that the OP consult a lawyer in his jurisdiction. Custody is a right but sometimes you have to fight for it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael 93 Posted June 8, 2020 Author Share Posted June 8, 2020 12 hours ago, gamon said: Your girlfriend clearly has no intention of working on things. At least not right now. Really not much you can do, as you said she holds all the cards. There's 3 items of concern in your post. 1- You are trying not to "blast her" because she holds all the cards. Seems like you've got anger management issues which probably caused a lot of these problems and will continue to manifest themselves until and unless you work on them and fix it. 2- Your girlfriend is being perfectly reasonable to not want the baby confined to a small, smoke filled house. A reasonable guy would respond "I totally get it, no baby at mom's unless she promises not to smoke when the baby's there". Your response "I'll talk to my mom about it". Weak, and not very caring or compassionate to say the least. Especially when you preface it by saying "I didn't want to argue with her about it" as if you think she's wrong. She's not. There's another item of concern. You think you're "being a man" by not taking no for an answer and demanding you can be there when the baby is born and have your last name on the birth certificate. That's not "being a man" it's being arrogant. It's not about what you want especially since you've got zero control over the situation. I sort of understand why your girlfriend is giving you a wide berth, and that's just from knowing a paragraph about you. Thanks for your reply. Well firstly - She had been living with me circa 6 months. This was after her parents had changed the locks on the house when they wanted her out. Me, my partner and my mum sat down to discuss the situation and agreed she would no longer smoke in the house and proceed to going outside for a cigarette, something that i enforced and stressed was important - in response to your No.2 Fast forward a year - and now her parents are throwing money at her for prams and deposits - they are 'Supportive & Caring' So would you consider that 'Being a man' is not standing up and fighting for what you believe in? For example your child? For not fighting for the last name or being at the birth as that is a pretty significant milestone in ones life? Trying to show support? Or would you rather not be there, not fight for your family and tell your child when they are a little older that "Sorry sweetheart i wasn't there for your birth because i was 'acting like a man' and not taking no for an answer. I look forward to your reply. thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael 93 Posted June 8, 2020 Author Share Posted June 8, 2020 11 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I started with recommending that the OP consult a lawyer in his jurisdiction. Custody is a right but sometimes you have to fight for it. I will attempt to do so today. Thanks D0nnivain - great to see you still here advising folk. Link to post Share on other sites
IndigoNight Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 It is the woman's choice who is in the delivery room with her. However, with COVID hospitals have been forbidding ANY guests, so she may not be allowed to have anyone with her. This is NOT something you can insist that she does, even without COVID restrictions, who is in that room is her choice, and hers alone. Even if you were married to her she could decline your presence. You may have to pursue legal action for visitation/custody. You aren't married, so you have no given rights. They have to be determined by the court, and you will probably have to prove that you are the father. As for insisting that the baby have your last name, get a lawyer. Again, since you are not married, your rights are limited. Right now she holds all the cards. What you do and say is important. Avoid doing anything she could use against you to keep you from getting visitation/custody rights. No nasty phone calls. No threats. Your only concern should be proving that you are a fit parent. Have you discussed child support? The court will want to know what you're doing to provide for your child. While your situation is frustrating, it is also common. Call a lawyer. Because your ex isn't likely to just give you what you want. You might be the baby's father, but she has the power right now, and she knows it. I'd guess her parents are behind some of the conditions she is laying down. However, from your post, she hasn't insisted on anything she cannot make into a reality. Fair or not. You want to man up? Get a lawyer. You don't have many other options, if any at all. Link to post Share on other sites
jspice Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 You have every right to want to see your child. Yes, that may mean seeing a lawyer if she’s being difficult. Hopefully the two of you will put your issues aside so your child doesn’t get stuck in the middle, as many others do. However, your demands to be in the room and for the child to have your last name are unreasonable. You’re not married. Why should the child automatically have your name and not hers? She clearly doesn’t have the warm fuzzies for you right now, and since she’s squeezing a human out of her body, she gets to decide who sees her in that position 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 Are you certain you are the father of the baby? She sounds like she's trying to keep you and the family from seeing the baby at all. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 16 hours ago, Michael 93 said: I asked her to leave Why would you do that to the heavily pregnant mother of your child? 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael 93 Posted June 8, 2020 Author Share Posted June 8, 2020 12 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Why would you do that to the heavily pregnant mother of your child? To be honest. I became defensive at the thought of the baby not having my name. Taking responsibility, i was hurt at the situation and didn't want to upset her further. To me that is my pride and joy - i was always brought up to understand that the child would take the fathers name. Hearing her say we were unstable and she wouldn't be having my name caught me off guard when i thought things were ok, and it hurt me. I own up to that. That's why i did it. I fully appreciate she is growing the baby - but what I seem to find is that the fathers of children don't get any credit for the struggles they may also face in the process? As people have said above - her body - her rules, her child - she can name whatever she likes etc etc Well actually - isn't it both of our child? Link to post Share on other sites
IndigoNight Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 15 minutes ago, Michael 93 said: Well actually - isn't it both of our child? Technically, the only guaranteed biological relation to the baby is with the woman carrying the child. The reason she holds all of the cards is that without a paternity test, you have no way to prove you are the father. Unless, of course, she says you are. Be nice and hope that she will play fair. If her family doesn't like you it's unlikely though. Get a lawyer, and fight for your rights. Sure, it sucks. Yes, it's unfair. It's also about your only option when you have a child out of wedlock. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 16 minutes ago, Michael 93 said: Well actually - isn't it both of our child? OP--when did all of this acrimony begin between you two? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael 93 Posted June 8, 2020 Author Share Posted June 8, 2020 18 minutes ago, kendahke said: OP--when did all of this acrimony begin between you two? When she moved into my family home full time - it wasn't technically by choice but driven by the lockdown - her parents were reluctant to allow her back home and moving from house to house during the pandemic so she stayed with me and my mum. We are saving currently and nearly there to secure our own mortgage. It has been around 4-5 weeks maybe that we have began to argue and tensions have seemed to rise. We have our awesome times don't get me wrong, its definitely not a hate relationship, sure i could have definitely handled things better and that's something i aim to work on. I feel very powerless right now. I have today sent her a letter and some flowers - Not out of guilt or to try and force her hand into a conversation but to show her i am here and ready to talk whenever she can. I just hope her parents don't get to them first and get rid of them (they have been known to take her mail previously) I want a family - i want to have that detached house with a nice garden seeing my little girl play. That's the dream. I think she is being influenced by her parents - i really do. I cannot make excuses and can only focus on my own behaviour but this is so so out of character for her. its very strange. It just seemed to have blown up really quickly and without it being necessary at all. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 It's HER CHOICE who she wants to have in the delivery room. You have no right to force yourself into the delivery room. Since you are not married you also have no right to insist that the baby take your last name. I'm sure she has her reasons for distancing herself from you right now. I'd be interested to hear her side of all this. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
contel3 Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 About the name - most places need the approval of both parents to change a child's surname. It doesn't matter you're not married, once you recognize the child you have the same rights. Absolutely talk to a lawyer, but I think your chances are good on the name issue. As for the hospital thing…..your best bet is probably talking to her and trying to calm her down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jspice Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 They’re not going to change the child’s name. The child hasn’t been born and thus hasn’t been named yet. They’re not married and have different surnames. What’s he going to talk to a lawyer about regarding the name? He’s entitled to rights regarding visitation and custody but not the child’s name. What is a judge going to enforce here? Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 12 hours ago, Michael 93 said: Well firstly - She had been living with me circa 6 months. This was after her parents had changed the locks on the house when they wanted her out. I read a lot into this statement and find it quite disturbing, because it indicates serious dysfunction within their family. Changing locks to keep her out of the house - why did they want her out? The constant bickering with you to the point of breaking up five minutes before the baby is due - what do you bicker about? Denying you your rights as a father - why does she think she can get away with that? She sounds very unstable, and possibly a little unhinged. Maybe she's affected by hormones, or maybe she actually needs some intervention and guidance. At the moment she's being bought by her parents, they're offering security, but I bet there's a price to pay. My guess is she'll get tired of being controlled and she'll be back in the not too distant future. The problem then will be the resentment you'll feel because of the way she's treating you at the moment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 (edited) Dude.... why are you fighting so much with your pregnant girlfriend? Why don't you just chill. Edited June 8, 2020 by snowcones 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 (edited) Why aren't you married? I can see expecting the baby to have your last name- or at least a reasoned discussion about it- if you were married. Also, be nice to her if you want to be included in the birth. Do not go to a lawyer or get your hackles up now, especially now, if you have any hope of peacefully and cooperatively raising this baby as co-parents. P.S. I was going nuts in the last month of pregnancy each time. I felt like a whale and couldn't wait for it to come out. Do not escalate or get into a war right now for heavens sake. Edited June 8, 2020 by Tamfana 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael 93 Posted June 9, 2020 Author Share Posted June 9, 2020 Thank you all for your replies Really struggled last night to sleep. I sent some flowers that arrived yesterday and a letter that is due to arrive this morning. The letter generally said that I want to support her and be there for them both and I will welcome her for a talk whenever she is ready (obviously more but that’s the general consensus) This is starting to really hurt now. She did say on a text that she would call me when she is ready. So I guess this is just a waiting game for now. But I’m not expecting miracles here. Mike Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael 93 Posted June 9, 2020 Author Share Posted June 9, 2020 8 hours ago, MsJayne said: I read a lot into this statement and find it quite disturbing, because it indicates serious dysfunction within their family. Changing locks to keep her out of the house - why did they want her out? The constant bickering with you to the point of breaking up five minutes before the baby is due - what do you bicker about? Denying you your rights as a father - why does she think she can get away with that? She sounds very unstable, and possibly a little unhinged. Maybe she's affected by hormones, or maybe she actually needs some intervention and guidance. At the moment she's being bought by her parents, they're offering security, but I bet there's a price to pay. My guess is she'll get tired of being controlled and she'll be back in the not too distant future. The problem then will be the resentment you'll feel because of the way she's treating you at the moment. Thanks Msjayne. granted there are some other avenues to explore and truthfully I have to take some responsibility for it. the thing that baffles me is a statement she made a few weeks ago - “they are being supportive with the pregnancy now” they have literally threw money at her since she has been back home. To me that isn’t supportive. They will make it very clear to her that they will be there for her and she can do it on her own etc etc I am lost in terms of next steps. I feel she won’t reply to either the letter or flowers. I have no idea what to do next Link to post Share on other sites
manfrombelow Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 This hurts reading your situation, OP. I hope you're going to be alright and keep us updated. Godspeed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
contel3 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, jspice said: They’re not going to change the child’s name. The child hasn’t been born and thus hasn’t been named yet. They’re not married and have different surnames. What’s he going to talk to a lawyer about regarding the name? He’s entitled to rights regarding visitation and custody but not the child’s name. What is a judge going to enforce here? Do you live in the UK? I don't, so maybe there are differences. Laws are different everywhere. In my country a judge could enforce that the child carry his name. He just has to make sure he is legally recognized as the father. It would happen automatically if he was married to the mother, but there are several other ways to do it. So I absolutely recommend talking to a lawyer. He can tell you a lot about which rights you have and how to proceed. Edited June 9, 2020 by contel3 Link to post Share on other sites
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