Ex Girlfriend - won't let me be at birth

[Michael 93]

Had a reply this morning

Thanking me for the flowers.

She is hurting - she needs me to come to her home and demonstrate to her and her parents - how i am going to make this right and support her through the birth.

I have said i will do whatever it takes. I have a feeling I am going to have to suck it up and grit my teeth throughout. 

I need to do this for my child and to try and make this work.

[assertives]

45 minutes ago, Michael 93 said:

I have a feeling I am going to have to suck it up and grit my teeth throughout. 

I need to do this for my child and to try and make this work.

? I'm a little confused by your statement. I thought it was good that she's finally relenting and giving you a chance to hear you out and work on things. But this frankly sound bitter and that you don't actually care or mean it about supporting her. Was the flowers and apology all just for show and only putting on an act just to get what you want?

[JTSW]

On 6/8/2020 at 12:18 PM, jspice said:

However, your demands to be in the room and for the child to have your last name are unreasonable.

He didnt demand it. She told him that she didnt want the child to have his last name.

She was the one laying down her rules and is being difficult.

She wont even let his mother see the child. 

Yes, it's up to her about the last name and who is in the delivery room with her. He has no control in that.

Yes, he has every right to be an equal part of his childs life.

Depending on where you are op, in the UK you have rights.

As some have recommended, seek legal advise to find out what you can do.

If she wont talk about anything then consider seeing a mediator.

[d0nnivain]

She's probably scared & confused.  Her reactions are born of terror not malice. 

Do grit your teeth a bit.  Share your own fears with her & make a plan.  Show her some #s -- how are you going to financially support yourself & your child.  That may reduce her stress & make her more amenable to working with you.  Right now she feels like she's backed into a corner with no options.  Work with her to create options.  

[Michael 93]

By grit my teeth - i feel the truth may have been fabricated and i feel i may receive an onslaught that i don't necessarily agree with when i speak with them

The main thing here is that I have an opportunity, i have an opportunity to show how much this family means to me and how much i want to be there and make this work.

Her statement said my family are protecting me right now and they want you to speak with all of us because this is an important part in my life.

I will do it, that's not an issue. I will do whatever it takes, i just know i may have to suck it up and agree to disagree with what they may say.

I hope this isn't the case but my main goal is to demonstrate how i wish to support her and what my future actually means to me

[Michael 93]

3 hours ago, assertives said:

? I'm a little confused by your statement. I thought it was good that she's finally relenting and giving you a chance to hear you out and work on things. But this frankly sound bitter and that you don't actually care or mean it about supporting her. Was the flowers and apology all just for show and only putting on an act just to get what you want?

And what would you consider, is what i want?

 

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad you are viewing this as an opportunity.  

Maybe bit your tongue is a better phrase than grit your teeth.  You will probably hear some things that upset you especially if they are not true.  The key will be your ability to rise above the accusations.  Practice saying something like, While that is not my recollection of what happened, I can understand why you / she would be upset if that is what you were told happened.  Regardless that is in the past, we're here to move forward together in the baby's best interest. You have to craft that phrase to be your language / speech.  

Your goal here is to deescalate & come to a consensus.  You say you want to support her & show what the future means to you.  That's wonderful but specifics will help.  You don't have to tell us but you best know your goals:

Do you want to get married?  Do you want to live together?  what ideas do you have for the division of household labor & child rearing?  How will you financially make all this happen?    

[assertives]

2 hours ago, Michael 93 said:

And what would you consider, is what i want?

 

Only you can answer that question truthfully for yourself.

[kendahke]

Her family kicked her out and the committee now has demands after you've been supporting her all this time?  They didn't appear to care how she got along for easily 8 months now with CV19 roaming the streets. Where was all this familial energy in the first place? I'd have a problem with that mess, too.

[gamon]

On 6/8/2020 at 5:53 AM, Michael 93 said:

So would you consider that 'Being a man' is not standing up and fighting for what you believe in? For example your child?

 

For not fighting for the last name or being at the birth as that is a pretty significant milestone in ones life? Trying to show support?

Or would you rather not be there, not fight for your family and tell your child when they are a little older that "Sorry sweetheart i wasn't there for your birth because i was 'acting like a man' and not taking no for an answer.

This is not the time to fight, you've got no leverage and you can't force her to do things your way.

Being a man doesn't mean fight and not take no for an answer. Being a man is being understanding to the needs, wants, desires and fears of the girl who is pregnant with your child.

If things don't get better and you're in regular communication with your child when they're older, if the question should come up 9and why would it), you could always say "I wanted to be there but it wasn't my decision".

Given the latest update- if you aren't at the birth it means you didn't take advantage of the opportunity you have been granted by seeing things from the perspective of your girlfriend rather than trying to get the upper hand in a battle that you cannot possibly win.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Michael 93 said:

Her statement said my family are protecting me right now and they want you to speak with all of us because this is an important part in my life.

Protecting her...from what?

What exactly is the backstory between you two and this relationship? She seems furious with you, and it sounds as though her family was unhappy when she first got pregnant. Now they're circling the wagons. I don't necessarily mean you've done something malicious, but reading between the lines, I am sensing there is a lot more to this than bickering. What problems were you two having?

As for what happens with the baby, I do think you need to speak to a lawyer to at least understand what your rights actually are. We can speculate all we want about what she is or is not legally allowed to do, but unless someone here is familiar with family law in your jurisdiction, it's all conjecture. Get informed, to keep yourself out of inadvertently diving into hot water and potentially having it backfire later. You don't need to tell her you've had a consultation, either. Treat it as information-gathering so you have some frame of reference, should things go south. 

 

[Fox Sake]

On 6/7/2020 at 10:22 PM, Michael 93 said:

I said I would have to agree to disagree and asked her to leave
 

Your chance to step up and do the manly thing was missed at this moment. 

man I feel for you but I think that was a bum move and answers a lot of your questions. I really and sincerely hope it works out for you , but if it doesn’t for whatever reason I’m glad to hear you’re willing to learn from it all. I’m really glad she is talking to you again so just keep a cool head and try and be supportive 

 

Edited June 9, 2020 by Fox Sake

[schlumpy]

Hi Mike,

A good part of your problem is that you feel confused. You are confused because what is happening does not a have rational explanation in your mind. There is a missing piece to this puzzle that once known will bring clarity. It could very well be her parents influence. The support they are offering her gives her a different option then only what you are offering. Looks like she is playing that card. It would not be the first time that well meaning parents have blown up a daughter or sons relationship. I guess you will find out at the meeting. They seem to be expecting something from you and want to see if you will offer it up without prompting.

Her conversation with you about the baby's last name, demands on your mother, and the latter discovery that you would not be going to the hospital with her was, In my humble opinion, to force you to step up. I read that as warning that she can make it without you.

One minute you're defending your honor and the next you're saying you will do anything to make everything right. Which is it? What outcome are you looking for?

If you wish defend your honor then walk away. Write this off as an expensive lesson learned and relinquish your parental rights. She's using the child as leverage to get what she wants. She's using your desire to be a father against you without explaining why this is to your advantage. I understand how you feel. It doesn't seem a very loving act on her part. I also wonder why she feels compelled to present it this way. She also seems very comfortable to be away from you during the last weeks of pregnancy. Your usefulness is taking a hit.

Your other course of action is to throw yourself on her mercy. Do and say anything she wants and eat any crap sandwich she and her parents prepare for you. Be prepared for a significant amount of time where she will be in control of your life. After she might snatch the baby away. Welcome to the joys of unmarried parenthood.

What about negotiating? When you go to the meeting have a couple of non-negotiable items to present such as the baby's last name will be yours. See if you can come away from the meeting with something to feel good about to smooth over the compromises that will be demanded of you. It may make it easier to take.

For this to work, you both will have to give each other something of value. If she gets it all and you get the crap sandwich you won't last. 

[Michael 93]

10 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Hi Mike,

A good part of your problem is that you feel confused. You are confused because what is happening does not a have rational explanation in your mind. There is a missing piece to this puzzle that once known will bring clarity. It could very well be her parents influence. The support they are offering her gives her a different option then only what you are offering. Looks like she is playing that card. It would not be the first time that well meaning parents have blown up a daughter or sons relationship. I guess you will find out at the meeting. They seem to be expecting something from you and want to see if you will offer it up without prompting.

Her conversation with you about the baby's last name, demands on your mother, and the latter discovery that you would not be going to the hospital with her was, In my humble opinion, to force you to step up. I read that as warning that she can make it without you.

One minute you're defending your honor and the next you're saying you will do anything to make everything right. Which is it? What outcome are you looking for?

If you wish defend your honor then walk away. Write this off as an expensive lesson learned and relinquish your parental rights. She's using the child as leverage to get what she wants. She's using your desire to be a father against you without explaining why this is to your advantage. I understand how you feel. It doesn't seem a very loving act on her part. I also wonder why she feels compelled to present it this way. She also seems very comfortable to be away from you during the last weeks of pregnancy. Your usefulness is taking a hit.

Your other course of action is to throw yourself on her mercy. Do and say anything she wants and eat any crap sandwich she and her parents prepare for you. Be prepared for a significant amount of time where she will be in control of your life. After she might snatch the baby away. Welcome to the joys of unmarried parenthood.

What about negotiating? When you go to the meeting have a couple of non-negotiable items to present such as the baby's last name will be yours. See if you can come away from the meeting with something to feel good about to smooth over the compromises that will be demanded of you. It may make it easier to take.

For this to work, you both will have to give each other something of value. If she gets it all and you get the crap sandwich you won't last. 

Really appreciate your words and advice.

 

Key to this for me is "my usefeulness is taking a hit" 

I feel unnecessary if that makes sense? A huge aspect of the arguments we suffered with was because we are both quite insecure. 

 

Truthfully, I think it is unimportant how I feel, but rather how she feels. She is carrying the child - she is in the latter part of pregnancy - i don't want to make this time anymore stressful.

 

I think you are right, the meeting is to establish me stepping up to the plate. I am 100% committed to showing i can achieve that. The replies i have gained from this thread have really helped me rationalise this in my mind and realise actually, i need to see her views from her perspective rather than dismissing them because they do not fit in with my agenda or beliefs.

 

Compromise. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 6/7/2020 at 4:22 PM, Michael 93 said:

What’s up guys. Long time since I’ve been a posted on here - still keeping an eye though.

Got a big situation man , well in my opinion.

My girlfriend and I broke up around 3 weeks ago - well she left and moved back to her parents. We had been up and down for some time.

She was 8 months pregnant at the time of moving back home. We agreed to work on it (now with obviously more space) and tried to do so.

It was still difficult - stresses of lockdown and having a baby - life stress etc. We weren’t the perfect couple but there was no infidelity or serious sinister stuff that went down. It would be more bickering and arguing more than anything.

Last week, she grabbed me at breakfast and said we needed to speak (after staying the night)

Number 1 she said - I need to say the baby won’t be coming to your mums when she is born - I don’t like the fact she smokes and the house is quite small.

I didn’t want to argue so explained I would speak with my mom and for the beginning stage would stay with her to support etc

Number 2 she said -we need to speak about the name. Our relationship is quite unstable and I don’t want her having your last name.

Like a knife to the heart - had many plates in my time and fair share of s*** but this one hurt like no other.

I said I would have to agree to disagree and asked her to leave

There is now 2 weeks of pregnancy left. She hadn’t reached out in about 5 days - I shot her a text last night saying I want to be there and if she can let me know if any developments with labour etc - 0 reply

Called today following some advice from my pals who said as the man to step up - declined the calls and text saying “I will call you when I am ready”

When she left my house she also mentioned about not wanting me at the birth and I have heard from mutual friends she will be taking a family member. I am devastated to be honest.

I know what it’s like to be in a disjointed situation and that’s not what I wanted at all..

Usually quite cool and can handle these situations - struggling with this one though. Extremely difficult to be honest. Hard to not lose my s*** completely and blast her but I’m trying to avoid that 100%

She holds all the cards right now and I’m very aware of it.

There’s potential for her to have this baby and I may not even know - and the name.....well she could name her absolutely anything and I wouldn’t have a say in it.


help, please!

Thanks in advance.

If you were concerned about all these things, why didn't you get married to her first, to make everything clean cut and legal? If you didn't want to marry her, then why not use adequate protection to prevent pregnancy? Women who are 8 months pregnant don't just up and leave a relationship, unless things are terrible and they feel they have no other choice. What is her side of the story?