Deleting my dating profile and settling for the next guy I date.

[Hopeful30]

I'm realizing more and more that while there are plenty of great men out there, the right man for me is either dead, married, or the chances of us meeting are very low.

Online dating is neither here nor there. Plenty of decent men who don't make effort. I haven't had sex in years, and I've been missing male companionship for a very long time. This has made me reconsider my priorities when it comes to dating.

I've decided that the next decent guy I meet, I'll settle for him. I have de-prioritized chemistry, sexual attraction and handsomeness because these things appear to be lacking (for me personally) in the men I have been meeting. 

As of last week, everyone I know is pregnant, married, or has kids. All of them, according to them, have settled with the exception of one couple. I'm the only person who comes home to an empty apartment while everyone else is busy being in relationships. People who hold out on waiting for the right partner usually end up old and alone, and I can count easily on one hand these people from the top of my head (currently in 40s-60s age range, both men and women). 

Taking all of this into consideration, I have decided to put aside my desires and just go with the flow. The next man I end up dating, I shall settle for him. I shall love him, spoil him, treat him well, birth his children, and hope that they aren't ugly (lol).

For those who have settled for their partners, am I correct in assuming that you are happy with your decision? That your 'desired person' still hasn't come along? 

 

[Amanda141]

Your view on life seems rather pessimistic. I understand you are disappointed, frustrated and maybe even jealous that other women have husband and kids while you’re still all by yourself. However, I don’t see how lowering your standards and settle for someone you don’t genuinely like would make you happy in the long term.

Of course there are no perfect men or women, everyone comes with flaws, but it’s completely normal: it’s not about settling for less, but understand that we’re all human beings who are far from perfect.

Start with loving yourself first, focus on improving your self well being, find an activity that makes you feel competent, authentic and related to others.

If you have this negative mental attitude, you cannot attract positive things. This is called “self fulfilling prophecy”: your expectations about you not finding Mr Right will eventually result in you acting in a way that will confirm this expectation.

GET RID of negative thoughts, smile, be grateful for what you have and open the door of your heart. I’m sure you’ll find the fairytale you deserve  

[basil67]

What do you and your friends define as 'settling'?   Could it be simply overlooking the fact that the guy is a bit shorter than you or perhaps isn't as handsome as you want?  Or are we talking about accepting serious personality clashes?  

Edited June 7, 2020 by basil67

[Miss Spider]

Hopeful30, your threads never disappoint. This is kind of sad to hear. Not many of the couples I know appear to have "settled" in the sense you are speaking of. Contrary, they seem to have at least initially been very interested in each other. 

However, life is all about priorities. If you're heavily prioritizing marriage and a family and can't find anyone who you desire to be with, I understand why someone might feel inclined to go to the first willing person. That's kind of sad though for both people. In a way you are kind of using them as a vessel for your life goals and have you though long term about what that might mean? This guy you don't desire will probably desire you. You are planning to fake your affection, physically and emotionally indefinitely? How long will it be worth it to your to you I wonder?

[gamon]

A winning strategy for sure.

[Hopeful30]

50 minutes ago, amanda141 said:

Your view on life seems rather pessimistic. I understand you are disappointed, frustrated and maybe even jealous that other women have husband and kids while you’re still all by yourself. However, I don’t see how lowering your standards and settle for someone you don’t genuinely like would make you happy in the long term.

Of course there are no perfect men or women, everyone comes with flaws, but it’s completely normal: it’s not about settling for less, but understand that we’re all human beings who are far from perfect.

Start with loving yourself first, focus on improving your self well being, find an activity that makes you feel competent, authentic and related to others.

If you have this negative mental attitude, you cannot attract positive things. This is called “self fulfilling prophecy”: your expectations about you not finding Mr Right will eventually result in you acting in a way that will confirm this expectation.

GET RID of negative thoughts, smile, be grateful for what you have and open the door of your heart. I’m sure you’ll find the fairytale you deserve  

I imagine you are not familiar with my threads as I have not seen your username before. What you mention is healthy advice, but it's old news. I've done the whole self discovery and working through your stuff. I'm actually a very positive person, this is how I am often described. It's my approach to dating that needs polishing. I love myself plenty

45 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What do you and your friends define as 'settling'?   Could it be simply overlooking the fact that the guy is a bit shorter than you or perhaps isn't as handsome as you want?  Or are we talking about accepting serious personality clashes?  

No, no. Nothing so trivial. To provide concrete examples, one friend settled for a man who she is not very attracted to, and they have differing beliefs and lifestyles, however he is good looking and is very supportive when it comes to their child, including financially supportive. So she was able to have her daughter without the added pressures of working, and she is very happy with that. 

Another friend who has 2 kids from a previous marriage has settled for her man, who is not faithful and does not want a committed relationship, however the sex is great and he is also financially supportive. So despite the fact that she wants a more serious relationship, she is happy to have a partner who is good to her kids, helps financially, and they have good sex.

Things along those lines. 

39 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Hopeful30, your threads never disappoint. This is kind of sad to hear. Not many of the couples I know appear to have "settled" in the sense you are speaking of. Contrary, they seem to have at least initially been very interested in each other. 

However, life is all about priorities. If you're heavily prioritizing marriage and a family and can't find anyone who you desire to be with, I understand why someone might feel inclined to go to the first willing person. That's kind of sad though for both people. In a way you are kind of using them as a vessel for your life goals and have you though long term about what that might mean? This guy you don't desire will probably desire you. You are planning to fake your affection, physically and emotionally indefinitely? How long will it be worth it to your to you I wonder?

Why the assumption of me not liking him? I like lots of men, I just don't feel we really match. That doesn't mean we can't have a good and healthy relationship. I am more than happy to build a life with a man that I may not be crazy about in terms of sex or attraction. Right now I am prioritizing a healthy relationship above fulfilling personal desires.

Edited June 8, 2020 by Hopeful30

[Miss Spider]

I didn’t mean to imply you wouldn’t like him as in get along, but you said settle for the next guy that you meet, regardless of sexual attraction. For most people, a healthy romantic relationship includes genuine desire. If you don’t feel sexual attraction or desire to him but will have kids and marry because are you prepared to have sex with him even though you don’t desire him that much jw? And for the rest of your life in the case of marriage?

Edited June 8, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

Thanks for the description of your friends.  The first friend sounds like she's got something stable in an old fashioned marriage kind of way.   The second friend is going to be left on her own when he finds someone worth committing to.   Considering that children are involved, she's a foolish woman.

I always think that turning around the question is wise.   How would you feel if you knew that a guy was thinking  "I can't really find what I want.  I'm tired of looking. Hopeful30's far from ideal, but she's got some good traits so I'll settle for her"? 

Edited to add: I agree with Cookies that settling for the next person you meet could easily leave you with someone who you don't like.

Edited June 8, 2020 by basil67

[SincereOnlineGuy]

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

I'm realizing more and more that while there are plenty of great men out there, the right man for me is either dead, married, or the chances of us meeting are very low.

Online dating is neither here nor there. Plenty of decent men who don't make effort. I haven't had sex in years, and I've been missing male companionship for a very long time. This has made me reconsider my priorities when it comes to dating.

I've decided that the next decent guy I meet, I'll settle for him. I have de-prioritized chemistry, sexual attraction and handsomeness because these things appear to be lacking (for me personally) in the men I have been meeting. 

As of last week, everyone I know is pregnant, married, or has kids. All of them, according to them, have settled with the exception of one couple. I'm the only person who comes home to an empty apartment while everyone else is busy being in relationships. People who hold out on waiting for the right partner usually end up old and alone, and I can count easily on one hand these people from the top of my head (currently in 40s-60s age range, both men and women). 

Taking all of this into consideration, I have decided to put aside my desires and just go with the flow. The next man I end up dating, I shall settle for him. I shall love him, spoil him, treat him well, birth his children, and hope that they aren't ugly (lol).

For those who have settled for their partners, am I correct in assuming that you are happy with your decision? That your 'desired person' still hasn't come along? 

 

 

This is an amazing experiment/resolution...   (and I wish science  could  study it  before you go whole-hog)

 

There IS one heck of a lot of human nature involved in (never showing enough vulnerability to land ourselves in a relationship, either because we're too scared, or because {the difference between an 'ideal'... and an actual, real person (with hair in his ears) is so great} ).

 

THEN there is the natural human resistance to meeting enough eligible other people.   Think of a teacher, for example...   spend all day with kids... (of whatever age)...   and the number of adults (each occupied in other classrooms all day) is minimal...   then you go home... and grade papers...    MAYBE on Friday some of the other teachers go out for a drink...  and it's a group setting...     but you're just never meeting enough eligible prospects.

 

IF only we could quit working 8 to 5... and just canvas the globe in search of LOTS of possibilities.

 

I don't know what will be the outcome for you...    (oh, wait...    my expectation for YOU... is that... right near the point of exasperation  {maybe that ship has already sailed?} ...  some dude will come in from the flank...  and it will be a SURPRISE to all sides how well you match...  and something will just urge you to not keep your guard up so high. )

 

LASTLY...  back to human psychology again...   if you can go through with your plan...  SOME of your own actions that way WILL make the interaction with the lucky next guy better than it seems when no more than a plan in the here and now.

 

(letting your guard down in front of someone can prove quite rewarding on its own)

 

 

[Hopeful30]

50 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I didn’t mean to imply you wouldn’t like him as in get along, but you said settle for the next guy that you meet, regardless of sexual attraction. For most people, a healthy romantic relationship includes genuine desire. If you don’t feel sexual attraction or desire to him but will have kids and marry because are you prepared to have sex with him even though you don’t desire him that much jw? And for the rest of your life in the case of marriage?

Won't be much of a change from where I'm at now to be honest lol at least I'll be in a relationship 

44 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Thanks for the description of your friends.  The first friend sounds like she's got something stable in an old fashioned marriage kind of way.   The second friend is going to be left on her own when he finds someone worth committing to.   Considering that children are involved, she's a foolish woman.

I always think that turning around the question is wise.   How would you feel if you knew that a guy was thinking  "I can't really find what I want.  I'm tired of looking. Hopeful30's far from ideal, but she's got some good traits so I'll settle for her"? 

Edited to add: I agree with Cookies that settling for the next person you meet could easily leave you with someone who you don't like.

I wouldn't want to be reminded of it, but I certainly would understand.

Edited June 8, 2020 by Hopeful30

[Versacehottie]

38 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

This is an amazing experiment/resolution...   (and I wish science  could  study it  before you go whole-hog)

Actually, there is a book out there on basically this exact subject.  I don't remember the name but I'm sure you can find it if you do an internet search.  The theme is if you prioritize having a family you might need to settle or something to that effect.  I'm not sure if they have stats in there but I would imagine they do because of the type of book it is--not just vague, musings. (i haven't read it but a friend did).  Maybe check it out before you embark on this plan.  It's "pro" your plan from what I understand so it can serve to advise not talk you out of it.

That said, I don't approve of the plan  

I think you'd be selling yourself out.  How can you pick a screen name "Hopeful" and barter out HOPE???  Just saying.   Ultimately I believe you will be very unhappy in this even if you get what you want on paper.  If you have a gold digger vibe, some of those girls are fine with that cause they will move on eventually or do what they want regardless or like material things more than real partnership. Comparison however seems like part of the reason you are feeling this would be a good plan.  It's between the lines when you describe your friends.  That's surface comparison and outsiders can easily be mislead by lifestyles that seem to provide security, and what everyone is supposed to want on paper.  It doesn't detail the real emotional component or self-esteem stuff.

[Redhead14]

OP, the only flaw I can see in your plan would be that you are assuming that the next guy you date will decide he wants to be with you and/or will settle for you . . .

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

Won't be much of a change from where I'm at now to be honest lol at least I'll be in a relationship 

I wouldn't want to be reminded of it, but I certainly would understand.

I guess that as long as he told you this upfront, you could make a decision.   I hope that you would give a man the same courtesy of telling him that being with him is better than nothing and letting him decide.

[Happy Lemming]

40 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

Once I raised my standards, demanded better for myself, and actually sought that out, I found her.

Aren't you obtaining your wife from the Philippines?? 

[Hopeful30]

53 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Actually, there is a book out there on basically this exact subject.  I don't remember the name but I'm sure you can find it if you do an internet search.  The theme is if you prioritize having a family you might need to settle or something to that effect.  I'm not sure if they have stats in there but I would imagine they do because of the type of book it is--not just vague, musings. (i haven't read it but a friend did).  Maybe check it out before you embark on this plan.  It's "pro" your plan from what I understand so it can serve to advise not talk you out of it.

That said, I don't approve of the plan  

I think you'd be selling yourself out.  How can you pick a screen name "Hopeful" and barter out HOPE???  Just saying.   Ultimately I believe you will be very unhappy in this even if you get what you want on paper.  If you have a gold digger vibe, some of those girls are fine with that cause they will move on eventually or do what they want regardless or like material things more than real partnership. Comparison however seems like part of the reason you are feeling this would be a good plan.  It's between the lines when you describe your friends.  That's surface comparison and outsiders can easily be mislead by lifestyles that seem to provide security, and what everyone is supposed to want on paper.  It doesn't detail the real emotional component or self-esteem stuff.

It's true. The fact that everyone I know is in relationships only reminds me that I'm not. I'm not even having sex! (I'm not the kind of person to have one night stands). This would be easier if I had single friends to spend time with or relate to, but I'm literally the only one. Plus, I WANT to be in a relationship. I'm a relationship person and have always enjoyed them more than being single.

It's a terrible feeling to be at social gatherings where everyone is affectionate or physically close with their partner, meanwhile I'm standing alone and have to think of increasingly creative answers to "why are you single?".

41 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

You know what, not long ago I probably would have said that you are likely doing the right thing. I settled for a couple of my girlfriends in the past for the same reason. Now...I regret it. Once I raised my standards, demanded better for myself, and actually sought that out, I found her. None of those girls I settled for were worth a damn. Take from that what you will.

I'm I'm the reverse situation from what you described. I have always stuck to my guns and sought what I desired. That has left me single and sexless at 31. That's why I'm reorganizing my standards because so far, they haven't served me well. 

[thefooloftheyear]

Have you heard of this guy ZA Dater??

TFY

[Hopeful30]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I guess that as long as he told you this upfront, you could make a decision.   I hope that you would give a man the same courtesy of telling him that being with him is better than nothing and letting him decide.

Why would you tell your partner you are settling for them? That's like telling a man, "I am settling for your penis size." It will only result in unnecessary hurt feelings. 

[basil67]

Why tell them?  Because they deserve better than someone who "settles" for them.  If it's going to happen, they should at least be able to consent to the situation.

I wouldn't say that to a guy about penis size because I really don't care.  Then again, I don't care about height either.

Edited June 8, 2020 by basil67

[Miss Spider]

7 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

It's true. The fact that everyone I know is in relationships only reminds me that I'm not. I'm not even having sex! (I'm not the kind of person to have one night stands). This would be easier if I had single friends to spend time with or relate to, but I'm literally the only one. Plus, I WANT to be in a relationship. I'm a relationship person and have always enjoyed them more than being single.

It's a terrible feeling to be at social gatherings where everyone is affectionate or physically close with their partner, meanwhile I'm standing alone and have to think of increasingly creative answers to "why are you single?".

I'm I'm the reverse situation from what you described. I have always stuck to my guns and sought what I desired. That has left me single and sexless at 31. That's why I'm reorganizing my standards because so far, they haven't served me well. 

I guess the flip side, what about working on yourself to improve your chances of attracting a person  that meets your high standards? Most people ( I could probably say all?) have room to improve. Can you ask a date coach or trusted friend on what you could do to improve. Maybe you are too closed off. Idk just throwing things out there . Don’t want you to have to “settle” on something you aren’t happy with 

Edited June 8, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't know if settling works in the 21st century. I inadvertently tried to settle multiple times. My college gf, whom I was attracted to, was such a disaster that afterwards I basically dropped attraction as a criteria. I looked for all the other good qualities I wanted in someone. I met some fantastic women. But each of them would tell you that I was distant and noncommittal. 

How about a more moderate step here? How about you give yourself permission to go out on extra dates with guys who are good ... but who you don't feel strong attraction to? See how it goes. See how it feels to be with someone you're not attracted to. 

I don't think settling works in the 21st century--for many reasons. If it did, many of us would have taken this option. A "settling for" guy is starting from a low standard. Any flaw this person has ... is not offset by romantic attraction. Romantic attraction, powerful as it is, cannot overcome some flaws or differences but it helps us have patience for our partner. Settling means you have all the downside of a relationship but little of the upside. The joy of saying that you are "partnered" is one thing ... but feeling satisfied when partnered day-to-day with someone you're not that into--that's a whole other challenge. 

Another challenge you face is that you will need to pick socially inept guys to settle with. A guy with some social skill will pick up that you aren't romantically interested, even if he can't easily articulate this. And as Basil says, we betray a partner if we don't tell them we're not really attracted to them. But how the heck do you tell someone that truth?

 

 

 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

I'm reorganizing my standards because so far, they haven't served me well. 

Totally agree with the lower the 'standards' thing, but I'm guessing once you let yourself get even a bit close to someone you'll feel better again, maybe even find the qualities in them you've been looking for all along.

Good luck!

 

Edited June 8, 2020 by Ellener
wording

[Hopeful30]

15 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

Instead of resigning yourself to people you do not want, why not try and figure out how to get the people you do want? 

Years in the process, my friend. It may be why I'm losing hope.

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Why tell them?  Because they deserve better than someone who "settles" for them.  If it's going to happen, they should at least be able to consent to the situation.

I wouldn't say that to a guy about penis size because I really don't care.  Then again, I don't care about height either.

Most people settle, there is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps you are confusing settling with being careless? We rarely find our 'soulmates', for lack of a better word.

13 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I guess the flip side, what about working on yourself to improve your chances of attracting a person  that meets your high standards? Most people ( I could probably say all?) have room to improve. Can you ask a date coach or trusted friend on what you could do to improve. Maybe you are too closed off. Idk just throwing things out there . Don’t want you to have to “settle” on something you aren’t happy with 

I've been working on myself since I was 23. Haven't seen much change in relationships even though I have changed considerably myself.

I agree that I am the common denominator, therefore it's something about me. I just don't know what. I've been trying to figure that out ever since I hit puberty. I went from lonely and dependent on my parents to fully independent, well traveled, well educated, and in good shape that I maintain. I feel good about myself, and I've grown and matured considerably, however the dating scenario has barely changed. In fact, I've been single more after working on myself than when I was less developed as a person (mentally, spiritually). 

Edited June 8, 2020 by Hopeful30

[Hopeful30]

11 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I don't know if settling works in the 21st century. I inadvertently tried to settle multiple times. My college gf, whom I was attracted to, was such a disaster that afterwards I basically dropped attraction as a criteria. I looked for all the other good qualities I wanted in someone. I met some fantastic women. But each of them would tell you that I was distant and noncommittal. 

How about a more moderate step here? How about you give yourself permission to go out on extra dates with guys who are good ... but who you don't feel strong attraction to? See how it goes. See how it feels to be with someone you're not attracted to. 

I don't think settling works in the 21st century--for many reasons. If it did, many of us would have taken this option. A "settling for" guy is starting from a low standard. Any flaw this person has ... is not offset by romantic attraction. Romantic attraction, powerful as it is, cannot overcome some flaws or differences but it helps us have patience for our partner. Settling means you have all the downside of a relationship but little of the upside. The joy of saying that you are "partnered" is one thing ... but feeling satisfied when partnered day-to-day with someone you're not that into--that's a whole other challenge. 

Another challenge you face is that you will need to pick socially inept guys to settle with. A guy with some social skill will pick up that you aren't romantically interested, even if he can't easily articulate this. And as Basil says, we betray a partner if we don't tell them we're not really attracted to them. But how the heck do you tell someone that truth?

 

 

 

I have tried this with a previous relationship. Gave a guy a chance even thought there was zero attraction and I did not find him handsome or even good looking. He ended up being a great guy. It was the best relationship I ever had. I ended things because of zero chemistry and sexual attraction, but I still remember being happy because I loved him despite that. We had a good and healthy relationship, and we learned a lot from it. 

If I encounter that again, I would be more than happy to settle with it. So far, I haven't met a man like him who was also sexually attractive to me. 

[Miss Spider]

I guess you could say many people ‘settle’ in that will let some things slide if there’s overall attraction. Like if they are into tall men, but they  meet an attractive guy who is short, many will let that slide. But you specifically said you are gonna ‘settle’ for the first random dude you meet regardless of chemistry and attraction. That’s different. Not many want to be with someone who doesn’t find them attractive...

Edited June 8, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

4 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

I have tried this with a previous relationship. Gave a guy a chance even thought there was zero attraction and I did not find him handsome or even good looking. He ended up being a great guy. It was the best relationship I ever had. I ended things because of zero chemistry and sexual attraction, but I still remember being happy because I loved him despite that. We had a good and healthy relationship, and we learned a lot from it. 

If I encounter that again, I would be more than happy to settle with it. So far, I haven't met a man like him who was also sexually attractive to me. 

I see. Okay, if that will make you happy. It seems you are completely unhappy being single. I know a lot of people like that