Deleting my dating profile and settling for the next guy I date.

[Hopeful30]

2 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

Ok. I don't follow all your threads so work with me here. When you look at the kind of person you actually want, what kind of people do you see them with? In what way are you different than they are? In other words, what kind of ladies does your perfect guy end up with?

Equally successful and like minded individuals, I would imagine. Not sure about the women they end up with, because once they're off the market it's not like I have a chance to get to know the guy well enough to know if he would be a match for me.

I have developed the same areas that I would like developed in a man (financially stable and independent, good shape, handsome, spiritual, etc. Etc). I'm actually attracting more the opposite now which is weird...

 

[Lotsgoingon]

All right ... try it out ...

There is an episode of Seinfeld in which George suddenly becomes nostalgic about a gf who never really did it for him. He would complain to Jerry while dating that woman about the pain of climbing the stairs up to this woman's apartment. 

Well ... in his nostalgia, he tells Jerry "I would love to climb those stairs again." Cue up George back with this woman, trudging up the steps of this woman's apartment building, looking absolutely miserable. 

You might be minimizing how difficult that past relationship was ... It takes a lot of energy to break up with someone. You didn't break up for a casual reason. 

Did this former guy ever mention attraction issues to you? Did he ever complain about lack of affection or lack of sex?

Edited June 8, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Hopeful30]

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I guess you could say many people ‘settle’ in that will let some things slide if there’s overall attraction. Like if they are into tall men, but they  meet an attractive guy who is short, many will let that slide. But you specifically said you are gonna ‘settle’ for the first random dude you meet regardless of chemistry and attraction. That’s different. Not many want to be with someone who doesn’t find them attractive...

I never said random. I said decent and who is a good guy.

[Hopeful30]

2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 Did he ever complain about lack of affection or lack of sex?

Yes and yes, and he wanted go stay together even when I told him I wasn't attracted to him. He loved me very much, bless his heart. I hope he is happy wherever he is.

[Hopeful30]

1 minute ago, enigma32 said:

Men do not value the same things that women do. 

Like attracts like.

[Miss Spider]

Hmm obviously not since you aren’t attracting the men you want although you are trying to be like them. Yeah that might be your problem. You are looking at it from what a woman wants in a man.

Just now, Hopeful30 said:

Like attracts like.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Why not contact him then? If he has since then dated someone who WAS attracted to him, I guarantee you he will have no interest. But since you liked him, what's the deal? Why haven't you contacted him?

[basil67]

17 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

Most people settle, there is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps you are confusing settling with being careless? We rarely find our 'soulmates', for lack of a better word.

 

 I'm basing my comments on the women you described.  The type of woman who uses a guy because being with him is better than the alternative of being single.  

While I don't hold with the idea of 'soul mates', I do think that a man shouldn't be duped into marrying a woman who doesn't love, desire and respect him.  And vice verca.   

[Hopeful30]

4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Hmm obviously not since you aren’t attracting the men you want although you are trying to be like them. Yeah that might be your problem. You are looking at it from what a woman wants in a man.

 

I have tried the opposite too, hiding the fact that I have money, wearing dresses, being feminine, pretending not to be intelligent. Yes I got plenty of attention, no relationships. Also, I felt like I was cheating myself. That's not who I am.

4 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Why not contact him then? If he has since then dated someone who WAS attracted to him, I guarantee you he will have no interest. But since you liked him, what's the deal? Why haven't you contacted him?

He got the next girl after me pregnant. Enough said lol

2 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

Not always. Men and women really aren't looking for the same things in a partner. 

Care to share your wisdom? I am frequently told that I am feminine and nurturing and would make a great mom. I'm also very supportive (prefer not to take the lead). If that's not what men like, then I don't know what is lol 

[Hopeful30]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

 I'm basing my comments on the women you described.  The type of woman who uses a guy because being with him is better than the alternative of being single.  

While I don't hold with the idea of 'soul mates', I do think that a man shouldn't be duped into marrying a woman who doesn't love, desire and respect him.  And vice verca.   

You can love, desire, and respect a man that isn't your first choice. You can love, desire, and respect a man for many things other than personal fulfillment and sexual satisfaction. 

[Miss Spider]

9 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

I never said random. I said decent and who is a good guy.

Nice and decent random guy. I mean “nice” and “decent” are good  criteria for a acquaintance or casual friend....but not really a romantic relationship.... or a an employee etc etc 

 

Romantic  relationships should be  about attraction/chemistry... romance 

 

Ime guys in relationships want to be desired as much as we do... but if you’re capable of overlooking the lack of attraction or just faking that aspect or whatever.. I agree maybe it’s best for you if you feel miserable being alone 

 

 

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

You can love, desire, and respect a man that isn't your first choice. You can love, desire, and respect a man for many things other than personal fulfillment and sexual satisfaction. 

Why would I take a guy who's not my first choice?  That's horrible.  

[Hopeful30]

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Nice and decent random guy. I mean “nice” and “decent” are good  criteria for a acquaintance or casual friend....but not really a romantic relationship.... or a an employee etc etc 

 

Romantic  relationships should be  about attraction/chemistry... romance 

 

Ime guys in relationships want to be desired as much as we do... but if you’re capable of overlooking the lack of attraction or just faking that aspect or whatever.. I agree maybe it’s best for you if you feel miserable being alone 

 

 

It's not about a hatred for being single. It's about a strong desire to be in a monogamous relationship that leads to family. 

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Why would I take a guy who's not my first choice?  That's horrible.  

There are millions of reasons. He doesn't want you in the same way, family or religious differences, complications with having to leave the country. You are telling me that every couple in this world was each other's first choice? Highly unlikely. 

[Miss Spider]

 

19 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

I have tried the opposite too, hiding the fact that I have money, wearing dresses, being feminine, pretending not to be intelligent. Yes I got plenty of attention, no relationships. Also, I felt like I was cheating myself. That's not who I am.

He got the next girl after me pregnant. Enough said lol

Care to share your wisdom? I am frequently told that I am feminine and nurturing and would make a great mom. I'm also very supportive (prefer not to take the lead). If that's not what men like, then I don't know what is lol 

Most guys don’t want dumb women. Also why would you hide you have money? No guy is going to stop being attracted to you have money lol.
You should see if you can look up what it is to be feminine because it isn’t about wearing dresses. It’s about embracing your own womanhood and the characteristics of women that men are naturally drawn to. Guys are generally looking for that I’m a woman they are physically and mentally attracted to/find interesting. It’s not that they see anything wrong with your independence or your success. It’s might be they don’t care as much about that. You’re working so hard on being successful and strong and masculine, but the guys you’re dating might not be prioritizing that: . They might also sense you’re not being genuine. 
 

Anyway, best of luck to you whatever you choose 
 

Edited June 8, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

Of course I'm not saying that every couple in the world was each other's first choice.  There are plenty of selfish people who use others.  This is not news.

What I am saying is that I would never knowingly marry someone who's first choice wasn't me.  And this is why I am for full disclosure about them being second choice.

Edited June 8, 2020 by basil67

[basil67]

@Hopeful30 a few months ago you asked how to nicely ditch a guy who was a few inches shorter than you.  Are you now coming to the realisation that you were too harsh and could come to find a short guy super attractive?  

[Miss Spider]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

@Hopeful30 a few months ago you asked how to nicely ditch a guy who was a few inches shorter than you.  Are you now coming to the realisation that you were too harsh and could come to find a short guy super attractive?  

Yikes 

[Hopeful30]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Hopeful30 a few months ago you asked how to nicely ditch a guy who was a few inches shorter than you.  Are you now coming to the realisation that you were too harsh and could come to find a short guy super attractive?  

I was not harsh. He lied and was deceptive, therefore automatically falls outside of the category of decent men to settle for. 

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

I was not harsh. He lied and was deceptive, therefore automatically falls outside of the category of decent men to settle for. 

You gave an example of settling as your friend who's with a cheater.....yet apparently fudging height is unacceptable?  I really think you're not going to settle at all.

Edited June 8, 2020 by basil67

[Lotsgoingon]

Fudging height is certainly no worse than fudging romantic interest. At least he knew you would see him and get that information before going further. You on the other hand would be withholding your lack of romantic chemistry ... and the person would have to completely rely on their social skills and intuition to figure that out. 

I would love for you to report on your next dates ... I think what you're talking about is easier to do in your head than it is in reality. 

Just keep us updated. 

 

[miranda561]

4 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

I'm realizing more and more that while there are plenty of great men out there, the right man for me is either dead, married, or the chances of us meeting are very low.

Online dating is neither here nor there. Plenty of decent men who don't make effort. I haven't had sex in years, and I've been missing male companionship for a very long time. This has made me reconsider my priorities when it comes to dating.

I've decided that the next decent guy I meet, I'll settle for him. I have de-prioritized chemistry, sexual attraction and handsomeness because these things appear to be lacking (for me personally) in the men I have been meeting. 

As of last week, everyone I know is pregnant, married, or has kids. All of them, according to them, have settled with the exception of one couple. I'm the only person who comes home to an empty apartment while everyone else is busy being in relationships. People who hold out on waiting for the right partner usually end up old and alone, and I can count easily on one hand these people from the top of my head (currently in 40s-60s age range, both men and women). 

Taking all of this into consideration, I have decided to put aside my desires and just go with the flow. The next man I end up dating, I shall settle for him. I shall love him, spoil him, treat him well, birth his children, and hope that they aren't ugly (lol).

For those who have settled for their partners, am I correct in assuming that you are happy with your decision? That your 'desired person' still hasn't come along? 

 

Im in the same boat! Trust me. You aint alone. 

[miranda561]

3 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

I imagine you are not familiar with my threads as I have not seen your username before. What you mention is healthy advice, but it's old news. I've done the whole self discovery and working through your stuff. I'm actually a very positive person, this is how I am often described. It's my approach to dating that needs polishing. I love myself plenty

No, no. Nothing so trivial. To provide concrete examples, one friend settled for a man who she is not very attracted to, and they have differing beliefs and lifestyles, however he is good looking and is very supportive when it comes to their child, including financially supportive. So she was able to have her daughter without the added pressures of working, and she is very happy with that. 

Another friend who has 2 kids from a previous marriage has settled for her man, who is not faithful and does not want a committed relationship, however the sex is great and he is also financially supportive. So despite the fact that she wants a more serious relationship, she is happy to have a partner who is good to her kids, helps financially, and they have good sex.

Things along those lines. 

Why the assumption of me not liking him? I like lots of men, I just don't feel we really match. That doesn't mean we can't have a good and healthy relationship. I am more than happy to build a life with a man that I may not be crazy about in terms of sex or attraction. Right now I am prioritizing a healthy relationship above fulfilling personal desires.

I believe a lot of people settled. Like you i look for perfection. And i keep rejecting people if there are tiny things i dont like. 

I realised now this is silly  as a lot of my friends are now married or have someone

[miranda561]

1 hour ago, enigma32 said:

Not always. Men and women really aren't looking for the same things in a partner. 

Men just want an attractive woman!. Who isnt crazy. Actually if shes attractive  enough may put up with the crazy 

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, enigma32 said:

Instead of resigning yourself to people you do not want, why not try and figure out how to get the people you do want? 

100% this^^^^

[ShyViolet]

If you are "settling" for someone who you're not sexually attracted to, what is even the point of being in that relationship??  I don't even get it.  Why would you enjoy dating someone who you are not attracted to?