Deleting my dating profile and settling for the next guy I date.

[Mrin]

Greetings from the other side of 40. I have several friends who "settled" in their late 20's and early 30's.  They got married. Had kids. And are divorced now. 

[d0nnivain]

Quote

 

Hopeful30  

You are not settling.  Banish that misnomer from your thinking. 

What you are doing is growing as a person & making sustainable choices.  It's like giving up a bad-boy phase.  Most of us went through them.  I had to learn to stop being confrontational upon meeting a new man.  I was so scared of losing myself that I was obnoxious in how I asserted myself.  That got me a lot of arrogant emotionally distant men.  

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Greetings from the other side of 40. I have several friends who "settled" in their late 20's and early 30's.  They got married. Had kids. And are divorced now. 

And many many couples who were sexually attracted and in love are also now divorced.

In fact, if we were to run statistics, I would say more couples who married for attraction and "love" are divorced now versus marrying for more pragmatic reasons.

So not quite getting your point.

Edited June 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

43 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

 

I absolutely agree, stability security, and mutual respect /love weighs more than sexual attraction and chemistry, and is a more solid foundation for a relationship. Ideally it's nice to have it all, but as other posters have mentioned, it's not realistic.

Oh,  but you can still find a man to whom you are very much attracted... Choosing a man who offers security, mutual love/ respect doesn’t mean that you won’t be physically and sexually attracted to the man. The two are not mutually exclusive - you just need to be sure that your expectations are realistic. The man that you chose for your life partner should still be attractive to you...

Edited June 8, 2020 by BaileyB

[Hopeful30]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Oh,  but you can still find a man to whom you are very much attracted... Choosing a man who offers security, mutual love/ respect doesn’t mean that you won’t be physically and sexually attracted to the man. The two are not mutually exclusive - you just need to be sure that your expectations are realistic. The man that you chose for your life partner should still be attractive to you...

As another poster mentioned, you can still be attracted to a man in many ways other than sexual.

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

And many many couples who were sexually attracted and in love are also now divorced.

In fact, if we were to run statistics, I would say more couples who married for attraction and "love" are divorced now versus marrying for more pragmatic reasons.

So not quite getting your point.

There are no guarantees when it comes to long term relationships. As in, there is no formula that promises long lasting relationships, regardless if sexual chemistry is present or not.

I guess we're all in the same boat. We do our best and hope it works out. If not, life goes on, you live, you learn, and hopefully you grow from it.

[miranda561]

46 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Lol, maybe they want to be sure you can afford to go 50/50 when they meet you versus paying the entire tab.  😛

I'm half joking but given how soooo many men (at least on this and other forums) are so averse to paying, perhaps it's not that far off.

Noooo you're  always spot on!. 

This is very true. Too many tight men around 😂. 

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

As another poster mentioned, you can still be attracted to a man in many ways other than sexual.

There are no guarantees when it comes to long term relationships. As in, there is no formula that promises long lasting relationships.

I guess we're all in the same boat. We do our best and hope it works out. If not, life goes on, you live, you learn, and hopefully you grow from it.

Most definitely, but you still need to be physically and sexually attracted to your partner. Not in the - my knees go week when he walks into the room and I see fireworks when he kisses me way - but you still need to find him attractive and want to be intimate with the man.

My partner is not the most physically attractive man on our block, but I was attracted to him because of the man he is and how I felt when we were together... the way he will look at me and smile... the way he teases me and makes me laugh... This makes him even more attractive to me. 

And yes, there are no guarantees in relationships, you just have to trust that you are making a good decision and hope that it works out... and if it doesn’t, you will deal with that too. The best advice I got when I started dating was - do you like the person that he is, is he kind to you, and do you have fun together - if the answer to these three questions is yes... you should go out with him again. That’s really all that matters. 

[miranda561]

34 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Oh,  but you can still find a man to whom you are very much attracted... Choosing a man who offers security, mutual love/ respect doesn’t mean that you won’t be physically and sexually attracted to the man. The two are not mutually exclusive - you just need to be sure that your expectations are realistic. The man that you chose for your life partner should still be attractive to you...

For me its always one or the other. I think the OP has the same experience. Ones who have other good qualities are not attractive to her. 

[miranda561]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Most definitely, but you still need to be physically and sexually attracted to your partner. Not in the - my knees go week when he walks into the room and I see fireworks when he kisses me way - but you still need to find him attractive and want to be intimate with the man.

My partner is not the most physically attractive man on our block, but I was attracted to him because of the man he is and how I felt when we were together... the way he will look at me and smile... the way he teases me and makes me laugh... This makes him even more attractive to me. 

And yes, there are no guarantees in relationships, you just have to trust that you are making a good decision and hope that it works out... and if it doesn’t, you will deal with that too. The best advice I got when I started dating was - do you like the person that he is, is he kind to you, and do you have fun together - if the answer to these three questions is yes... you should go out with him again. That’s really all that matters. 

I've  experienced  all three things from a person i met though...he was kind...we had..fun together and i liked the person he is. Only thing missing was the physical attraction  side of things. So i let him go 😪😢

[chillii]

You don't really have to worry about any of it or have this concept or that.

When you meet someone you just wanna be with in those ways , work on things , build a life with , you'll know.

[isolatedgothic]

Oh sweet Hopeful, I have said almost identical words as you. I totally understand where you are coming from. All these people can find someone, get married, live a good life together, and then there is us. We look in the mirror and think, "What's wrong with me? Why aren't I ever chosen? What do they have that I don't have?" 

It's a mystery. I wish I knew how to solve this problem, I'd bottle whatever it is and sell and it have all the money in the world.

I've tried the "I'll just take the next person who comes along and be thankful for him" idea as well. Then he comes with a fatal flaw - multiple arrests; cheater; hates his kids; hates my kid; abusive anger; hobosexual [looking for the next couch he can perch on till he finds someone better]; the list goes on.

I wish I had answers for you. I wish I had answers for me. Just know, you're not alone. Love and being the chosen one is a mystery to me. It's sad. I feel your pain, sister.

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

I've  experienced  all three things from a person i met though...he was kind...we had..fun together and i liked the person he is. Only thing missing was the physical attraction  side of things. So i let him go 😪😢

Me too. And I don’t regret it. 

It’s hard to say what attracts us to the person we are meant to spend our lives with, except to say... when you find him, you just know. He won’t be perfect, he won’t be everything you every wanted in a man, but you will just know...

Edited June 8, 2020 by BaileyB

[Weezy1973]

48 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

For me its always one or the other. I think the OP has the same experience. Ones who have other good qualities are not attractive to her. 

I always use the food analogy - somebody who loves the taste of junk food and doesn’t particularly like healthy food. If they want a healthy body, what should they do?

 

If you want a healthy long term relationship, like the OP, it’s a similar choice. 
 

But - a few points:

 

1. People do grow to enjoy the taste of healthy food and really love the way their body feels compared to how it felt when they were unhealthy.

2. Physical attraction does not equal sexual chemistry. Being sexually compatible with someone has nothing to do with the way they look.
 

3. There are shades of gray. If you were to examine your attraction honestly, you should see three categories. Oh my god yes! Yuck no. And the third, usually forgotten category of neutral. Neutral is often where you’ll find your long term partner. And like the food point above, often they’ll become delicious as your bond grows!

[d0nnivain]

32 minutes ago, isolatedgothic said:

I've tried the "I'll just take the next person who comes along and be thankful for him" idea as well. Then he comes with a fatal flaw - multiple arrests; cheater; hates his kids; hates my kid; abusive anger; hobosexual [looking for the next couch he can perch on till he finds someone better]; the list goes on.

 

Hopeful is not "settling" for those kinds of fatal flaws.  All she is doing is recognizing that she can't have the hot guy who turns her insides to mush.   She is accepting that if the guy meets all of her other criteria deprioritizing looks which fade over time anyway is not giving up much.  She has made sexual chemistry the lynchpin of her search but that has not been working for her, so she is deemphasizing that component.  She's not settling for a badly behaved emotionally unavailable criminal.  

[Lotsgoingon]

 

I endorse de-emphasizing looks as a dating strategy. 

I, no longer trust my first impressions of looks. I've been blown-away attracted to people whose looks alone were less impressive than another person's ... but then I interact with them and something about their energy, voice, smarts, personality, humor ... pops up their attraction. Is that what you're mean, d0nnivain?

Just recently I sat down next to a woman at an event ... I wasn't checking her out at all. I probably said to myself, Oh, she's not my type. Then we discovered we knew someone in common. She smiled and BANG! OMG, her smile sent a jolt through me. 

I see your point, d0nnivain, but do you think she'll be able to treat this partner with the affection and energy and attention that the partner would expect from a romantic relationship? If being attentive and affectionate to the partner becomes work (which is can easily become when you're not really attracted) then you have a problem. 

[Juha]

3 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

That's the goal. Luckily, it does not require sexual attraction, therefore I am removing it from my priorities. 

What if you meet this man, you do not have much sexual attraction for him but he is very sexually attracted towards you

Say he has a high sex drive, is very sexually attracted towards you, and wants to have sex with you daily, maybe more than once a day

How are you going to deal with that? 

 

Not being sexually compatible is huge in a relationship, it sounds like you have a low sex drive or don't care if you have sex with a person anymore.

[d0nnivain]

36 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I see your point, d0nnivain, but do you think she'll be able to treat this partner with the affection and energy and attention that the partner would expect from a romantic relationship? If being attentive and affectionate to the partner becomes work (which is can easily become when you're not really attracted) then you have a problem. 

I don't know.  She said she sustained a relationship with some guy who was good guy but then she chose to dump him because it wasn't awesome.  She never said it was bad or work, just that it wasn't incredible.  She has also repeatedly said that there are very few men, if any, who give her what she's looking for.  I suspect that may be a function of her not knowing exactly what she wants.  

In some other thread about types I confessed that the majority of my EXs look alike. Anybody with eyes can see the similarities.  Seriously they look like they could all be related.  That said, I sustained relationships with good men who didn't look like that including a few blondes & some huge hulking football-player types.  There were a few men who i couldn't stomach the thought of even kissing.  I never got past the 1st date with them. I could not recommend somebody go down a path where it was practically physically uncomfortable to be with the person but accepting somebody with a few extra pounds, less hair, hair where you don't want it or a deformed toe -- something relatively minor that detracts from perfection -- I firmly believe that if you look with your heart everybody is beautiful to the person who loves them.  

[Lotsgoingon]

The idea that there are only a few very people for the OP--I agree, that's not really accurate. The OP may be looking for a narrow type. 

[Calmandfocused]

Hmmm.

The problem as I see it is that you have unrealistic expectations. You’d be better looking at this rather than focusing on “settling” as a solution IMO. 
 

There is a massive difference between having standards (healthy) and setting yourself expectations that are impossible to achieve. 

For example: people tell me all the time that I’m good looking and an attractive person. However, If I was searching for a super fit, gorgeous 27 year old male to have a relationship with then I’d never be with anyone  Why? Because it’s a unrealistic expectation for a 41 year old female with 2 kids.

So, my question is: are your standards realistic? If not, you need to work on bringing them down. Look at yourself and what you want realistically. 
 

You don’t need to settle. You need to stop having such stringent search criteria and open your horizons. 
 

I also echo what others have said: any man deserves to be with someone who truly wants to be with them. Please don’t mess around with someone’s emotions just because you can. No one deserves that. 

[Hopeful30]

2 hours ago, isolatedgothic said:

Oh sweet Hopeful, I have said almost identical words as you. I totally understand where you are coming from. All these people can find someone, get married, live a good life together, and then there is us. We look in the mirror and think, "What's wrong with me? Why aren't I ever chosen? What do they have that I don't have?" 

It's a mystery. I wish I knew how to solve this problem, I'd bottle whatever it is and sell and it have all the money in the world.

I've tried the "I'll just take the next person who comes along and be thankful for him" idea as well. Then he comes with a fatal flaw - multiple arrests; cheater; hates his kids; hates my kid; abusive anger; hobosexual [looking for the next couch he can perch on till he finds someone better]; the list goes on.

I wish I had answers for you. I wish I had answers for me. Just know, you're not alone. Love and being the chosen one is a mystery to me. It's sad. I feel your pain, sister.

Bless your beautiful heart isolatedgothic ❤️

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Me too. And I don’t regret it. 

It’s hard to say what attracts us to the person we are meant to spend our lives with, except to say... when you find him, you just know. He won’t be perfect, he won’t be everything you every wanted in a man, but you will just know...

Yeah? I get mixed responses on this one. Some people know, others don't. I think this relates to chemistry more than anything else. 

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Hopeful is not "settling" for those kinds of fatal flaws.  All she is doing is recognizing that she can't have the hot guy who turns her insides to mush.   She is accepting that if the guy meets all of her other criteria deprioritizing looks which fade over time anyway is not giving up much.  She has made sexual chemistry the lynchpin of her search but that has not been working for her, so she is deemphasizing that component.  She's not settling for a badly behaved emotionally unavailable criminal.  

Thank you!!

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

I endorse de-emphasizing looks as a dating strategy. 

I, no longer trust my first impressions of looks. I've been blown-away attracted to people whose looks alone were less impressive than another person's ... but then I interact with them and something about their energy, voice, smarts, personality, humor ... pops up their attraction. Is that what you're mean, d0nnivain?

Just recently I sat down next to a woman at an event ... I wasn't checking her out at all. I probably said to myself, Oh, she's not my type. Then we discovered we knew someone in common. She smiled and BANG! OMG, her smile sent a jolt through me. 

I see your point, d0nnivain, but do you think she'll be able to treat this partner with the affection and energy and attention that the partner would expect from a romantic relationship? If being attentive and affectionate to the partner becomes work (which is can easily become when you're not really attracted) then you have a problem. 

You have a point. Physical touch and affection is important when it comes to relationships, but that depends on the person. Some people are naturally affectionate while others are not. This isn't necessarily a reflection of love, more like  love language. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

15 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

I have tried this with a previous relationship. Gave a guy a chance even thought there was zero attraction and I did not find him handsome or even good looking. He ended up being a great guy. It was the best relationship I ever had. I ended things because of zero chemistry and sexual attraction, but I still remember being happy because I loved him despite that. We had a good and healthy relationship, and we learned a lot from it. 

If I encounter that again, I would be more than happy to settle with it. So far, I haven't met a man like him who was also sexually attractive to me. 

 

Oh, this is interesting...   so of course that path of pursuit  is over-represented in your awareness.   (it could still be very valid,  yet it explains why your present social urges (this having minimal to do with sex) don't match those of many here on Loveshack).

 

BUT...  IF you were an algebra problem... and now you've somehow fed us the answer, which for this purpose is:  

 

" Gave a guy a chance even thought there was zero attraction and I did not find him handsome or even good looking. He ended up being a great guy. It was the best relationship I ever had."

 

It would mirror the long-time advice offered by Doctor Drew  to a woman who phones in to his radio show...  talks of having been mistreated by most every guy she's ever dated, and goes into specific detail about the latest such experience... prompting Doctor Drew to ask the ever-present question:    "Where's your DAD ???" 

 

MOST of the time, during such calls, it comes out that dad is/was an abusive a-hole... and how the daughter came to recognize  "abusive a-hole" as a trait common in (the only male role models she had around)...  and then all parties agree that  "her picker  is broken".

 

SO THEN Dr. Drew advises...   "When you SEE someone to whom you are EXTREMELY ATTRACTED... that's the time to RUN the other way !!!! "

 

He then suggests...  "find a guy you gently admire...  nothing overt or strong in the way of immediate attraction... and then get to know that person, perhaps slowly...  and give him a chance...   date him for a while and see what happens".

 

SO,  in the absence here of Dr. Drew:  

 

"Where's YOUR dad???" 

 

(once in a while the answer on the radio is:   "downstairs in his easy chair" )

 

 

Edited June 8, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[Weezy1973]

Agree with @SincereOnlineGuy that so often relationship struggles begin with a dysfunctional childhood.

 

Also, settling is a state of mind. If you think you’re settling then you’ll feel like you’re settling. If instead you recognize you’re making positive choices, and reorganizing your priorities, then it won’t feel like settling.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

6 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

 

What's the difference between being sexless for years, and being sexless for years while in a relationship? As I mentioned, the only difference is I will have companionship and a partner to build a life with. I am willing to sacrifice sexual attraction for that. 

 

 

Uh, the difference is... you're free and AVAILABLE in case a grand catch wanders into the library/coffeeshop/grocery aisle  at the same time as you  (wearing a Covid mask, mind you).

 

(that should have been obvious to you)

 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

This thread is timely for me. I met my boyfriend on a dating site and we've been together for 6 months. Right before we met, I began seriously considering the idea of "settling." I'd already been considering this for a while, but dreamer that I am, I felt I'd be better off holding out for my ideal and accepting whatever suffering resulted if I didn't find it.

In the past I broke it off with several men who would have been solid choices for a husband and life partner, but with whom I felt "something was missing." 

Right before I met my boyfriend, I saw this long thread on a red pill men's forum, showing endless screenshots of dating profiles of 40+ women, almost all of them highly accomplished, attractive, with what appeared to be sparkling single lady lives. What leapt off the screen for me is that 99% of these 40+ women who were still holding out for Mr. Perfect and claimed they would "never settle"... 99% of them had checked the box that says "wants kids." It hit me hard then that, in spite of modern programming, most women eventually realize they want kids. Not all. I know there are some posters here who don't want kids and are very happy in their child-free lives, and I say more power to them. But the vast majority do, and if it doesn't happen they're going to have to live with many years of sadness, or find a way to get over what will probably feel like a big loss.

I'm 43, and it hit me hard that I could find myself at 63 still holding out for Mr. Perfect, but by then it would be too late, certainly too late to have kids.

I've never lacked sexual attraction and chemistry with my boyfriend. For us, that aspect is through the roof. But given certain aspects of him, in the past when I was still holding out for Mr. Perfect, I would have moved on. A few examples: he was too sexually forward too early, he can be selfish and has a very high opinion of himself, from the beginning he obviously was still holding onto a great deal of resentment toward his ex-wife he divorced more than 10 years ago, and other things. In spite of all that, he didn't violate any of my "deal-breakers" - even though I was considering lowering my high bar, I still had a list of non-negotiables. And the fact is that the flip side of his flaws are positives I've always been drawn to. I like strong, decisive, manly men who go for what they want. He's certainly that. Maybe a little too strong, decisive, and manly at times, but other times it's just right.

More importantly, for the most part we just get along and enjoy doing every silly thing together. For all his flaws, I certainly have mine, too. I'm not always easy to live with, especially when I get in my dreamy idealist spells when I get sad about ways in which my life sometimes falls short of my dreamy visions. I never worry about him cheating. He loves our domestic live. He's making the effort more and more to understand me and create a happy, peaceful, dreamy life with me. We're both overthinking brainiacs who enjoy dissecting all the complexities of life.

From the beginning, he made it clear he was open to having more kids (he has 2 grown kids from his first marriage) and even wanted it, but figured that by his age, no woman would be open to it with him. So, some months ago, we decided, given my age, to stop using protection and let nature take its course. I only have one ovary, I'm 43, and he's 55, so I figured if it worked at all, it would take a long time. In spite of our differences, he's always come back and tried again, and the fact that he was committed to this major goal of having a family was, of course, a big plus working in his favor.

Well, guess what? This weekend I found out I'm pregnant! 🥰 Looking back, I'm really not surprised, given how all over me he's been all along. I haven't been to the doctor yet, but I'm guessing I'm about 6 weeks along. I'm well aware that it's not till the 2nd trimester that the chances of the pregnancy sticking get a lot more solid. I wasn't even going to tell anybody here because I don't want any negativity. But this thread inspired me to go ahead and tell. The general consensus on this forum is that any woman who tries to have kids over 40 is delusional and irresponsible. But I have sisters who had healthy babies in their 40s. And when I told my mom this weekend, she told me that her mother had healthy babies in her 40s, way back in the day. So if they can do it, I have to think I can! At least I'm going to try. And he's 100% supportive.

My boyfriend has been amazing. We've already discussed logistical aspects - getting married once we get past the first trimester, long-term future plans. He made it clear a while ago he wants to get married, but I said let's wait and see, always aware that if we get pregnant, we'll take the leap. I always knew he's a great dad. Now his dad energy has been activated again and he's been so sweet, very careful not to cause any tension, but still highly confident and bold as ever. I got a terrific job with a great salary a few months ago (working from home now, due to the world circumstances), but he said right away that I can stop working and be a full-time mom if I want to, he'll be the breadwinner.

So... now I feel like... in a way, I settled, and all my dreams are coming true By the way, I've told him all this, all my thoughts about a perfect love and settling. He's hyper rational and smart, so he's not offended, understands how I am. I told him that if we met 5 years ago, I probably would have broken it off because he wasn't perfect, so now he's liberated from having to be perfect. And so am I!

Settling gets a bad rap. But I'm starting to understand why it can be a very good thing.

[d0nnivain]

Settling is bad.  But to me settling means trying to sustain a relationship with somebody you find wholly unacceptable, especially regarding their character & fundamental values.  

We all do it sometimes.  After a lengthy dry spell while I didn't have the emotional reserves to participate in a relationship I entered into a FWB thing with a guy I'd known for 20+ years.  He's got a good heart but he's a raging alcoholic & candidly dumb as a stone with zero interest in current events, culture, politics or doing anything to improve his situation but the sex was fantastic.  In that instance I settled because he scratched an itch without major effort on my part.  NSA sex was about all I could handle.  I didn't want to be interesting. But we both always knew that it was unsustainable in the long run.  

So again settling is bad but recognizing unhealthy expectations & working to change them is good.  It's about maturity.   It's about letting go of your preconceived notions & letting yourself be happy in the moment.  

I have a friend who is like the OLD women RubySlippers described from her red pill adventures.  My friend wanted a handsome, jet setting multi-millionaire, with a post graduate degree, who would lavish her with gifts & trips while being at her beck & call.  She occasionally dated what she claimed she wanted but those men had hard boundaries.  One said she could never meet his adult children because the "kids" were older then her.  We were in our late 30s at the time.  Another told her that she came 3rd:  after his day job and after his racing hobby.  Bear in mind this woman was petite, attractive, impeccably dressed & owned a company of her own.  Yet she constantly bemoaned  her inability to find love.  She often encouraged me to dump my husband when he was only my BF because he didn't have a college degree & didn't make enough money.  He was going to college at the time; has since graduated & now makes a good living.  With him I never felt like I was settling but a few in my circle said I was.  When my friend finally gave up the check list she started dating a down to earth entrepreneur who doesn't have a pedigree education but he's sooooo good to her.  I think she's the happiest she's ever been. They nay-sayers who criticized my husband are still single -- 12+ years later.  

Hopeful -- learn to make better choices.  A solid dependable man is not settling.  It's about appreciating the good qualities.  Read two pop psychology books by Dr. Laura -- the Care & Feeding of a Husband and the Care & Feeding of a Marriage.  A lot of both books are anti-feminist misogynist drivel but there are parts that speak about appreciation, kindness & respect.  From there love should blossom.