Deleting my dating profile and settling for the next guy I date.

[Hopeful30]

55 minutes ago, Juha said:

What if you meet this man, you do not have much sexual attraction for him but he is very sexually attracted towards you

Say he has a high sex drive, is very sexually attracted towards you, and wants to have sex with you daily, maybe more than once a day

How are you going to deal with that? 

 

Not being sexually compatible is huge in a relationship, it sounds like you have a low sex drive or don't care if you have sex with a person anymore.

I am not proud of what I'm about to say, but having sex with someone you don't want to have sex with is easy when they are a loving, trustworthy and good person who respects you and treats you right.

31 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The idea that there are only a few very people for the OP--I agree, that's not really accurate. The OP may be looking for a narrow type. 

Physically and sexually attractive (to me).

Healthy and good lifestyle (no drugs, heavy partying, etc.)

Pulls his own weight (financially, emotionally, etc.)

Good heart. Compatible. Same goals (settle down, family, etc.)

8 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Hmmm.

The problem as I see it is that you have unrealistic expectations. You’d be better looking at this rather than focusing on “settling” as a solution IMO. 
 

There is a massive difference between having standards (healthy) and setting yourself expectations that are impossible to achieve. 

For example: people tell me all the time that I’m good looking and an attractive person. However, If I was searching for a super fit, gorgeous 27 year old male to have a relationship with then I’d never be with anyone  Why? Because it’s a unrealistic expectation for a 41 year old female with 2 kids.

So, my question is: are your standards realistic? If not, you need to work on bringing them down. Look at yourself and what you want realistically. 
 

You don’t need to settle. You need to stop having such stringent search criteria and open your horizons. 
 

I also echo what others have said: any man deserves to be with someone who truly wants to be with them. Please don’t mess around with someone’s emotions just because you can. No one deserves that. 

See above.

[poppyfields]

 

Hopeful. the only negative thing I foresee happening is, once you’re married, you might eventually meet another men, spontaneously without even looking (obviously since you are married) to whom you do become sexually attracted, fall to your knees crazy attracted to.

Assuming the sexual attraction/energy/chemistry is mutual, then what?  He might also share the qualities of your husband BUT again to whom you are also crazy sexually attracted.

Will you be strong enough to resist the temptation and not step out on your marriage?

I have seen this happen, and it’s *then* the person will tell themselves they “settled.” 

You’re only 30.  I didn’t meet the first love of my life, until my late 20s.  It doesn’t happen often and might take some time but it DOES happen for most people eventually.

I am still wondering why the big rush, you still have plenty of time to have children.  Women are having children well into their 40s now, which I wouldn’t recommend but again you are only 30!

My attitude is and has always been – I don’t give a rat’s rear what society thinks about my being single.  I seriously don’t!  Even when not in a RL, I didn't care.  100% truth. 

I sense you do care which is one of the driving forces behind your decision. 

I also get the sense you’re using having a RL and marriage to fill some sort of void within yourself.

Why not work on that?  Feeling whole and fulfilled on your own so you won’t have this almost desperate need to find a husband?

I still stick to what I said in my first post, and understand your mindset about this.

But I got to thinking further, and again it seems like you’re wanting these things for all the wrong reasons.

Society, peer pressure, family pressure, frustration, lonliness. 

Be happy with yourself on your own!  You are more apt to meet the man who fulfills all your requirements (including sexual attraction) that way.

Often times, it’s when we’re happy and content on our own and not even looking when the “right” person comes along and I speak from experience when I say that!

 

 

 

[Hopeful30]

2 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

Oh, this is interesting...   so of course that path of pursuit  is over-represented in your awareness.   (it could still be very valid,  yet it explains why your present social urges (this having minimal to do with sex) don't match those of many here on Loveshack).

 

BUT...  IF you were an algebra problem... and now you've somehow fed us the answer, which for this purpose is:  

 

" Gave a guy a chance even thought there was zero attraction and I did not find him handsome or even good looking. He ended up being a great guy. It was the best relationship I ever had."

 

It would mirror the long-time advice offered by Doctor Drew  to a woman who phones in to his radio show...  talks of having been mistreated by most every guy she's ever dated, and goes into specific detail about the latest such experience... prompting Doctor Drew to ask the ever-present question:    "Where's your DAD ???" 

 

MOST of the time, during such calls, it comes out that dad is/was an abusive a-hole... and how the daughter came to recognize  "abusive a-hole" as a trait common in (the only male role models she had around)...  and then all parties agree that  "her picker  is broken".

 

SO THEN Dr. Drew advises...   "When you SEE someone to whom you are EXTREMELY ATTRACTED... that's the time to RUN the other way !!!! "

 

He then suggests...  "find a guy you gently admire...  nothing overt or strong in the way of immediate attraction... and then get to know that person, perhaps slowly...  and give him a chance...   date him for a while and see what happens".

 

SO,  in the absence here of Dr. Drew:  

 

"Where's YOUR dad???" 

 

(once in a while the answer on the radio is:   "downstairs in his easy chair" )

 

 

My father is the reason I have high standards. He had a family, a business, a house and 2 kids by the time he was 25. He taught me to be independent, strong, and not to tolerate disrespect and to respect my body. He is an incredible human being who achieved much with very little, and he has always been an amazing husband to my mother and a wonderful father to me and my brother. He is the reason I *know* that true, unconditional love is out there and it comes in a beautiful package. I would like a man like him, of course, but as I get older, I realize he truly is one of a kind and there is no one else like him. 

2 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

Uh, the difference is... you're free and AVAILABLE in case a grand catch wanders into the library/coffeeshop/grocery aisle  at the same time as you  (wearing a Covid mask, mind you).

 

(that should have been obvious to you)

 

 

I have been available for many years. He isn't coming. Probably stuck in a tree somewhere. 

[Hopeful30]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 

Hopeful. the only negative thing I foresee happening is, once you’re married, you might eventually meet another men, spontaneously without even looking (obviously since you are married) to whom you do become sexually attracted, fall to your knees crazy attracted to.

Assuming the sexual attraction/energy/chemistry is mutual, then what?  He might also share the qualities of your husband BUT again to whom you are also crazy sexually attracted.

Will you be strong enough to resist the temptation and not step out on your marriage?

I have seen this happen, and it’s *then* the person will tell themselves they “settled.” 

You’re only 30.  I didn’t meet the first love of my life, until my late 20s.  It doesn’t happen often and might take some time but it DOES happen for most people eventually.

I am still wondering why the big rush, you still have plenty of time to have children.  Women are having children well into their 40s now, which I wouldn’t recommend but again you are only 30!

My attitude is and has always been – I don’t give a rat’s rear what society thinks about my being single.  I seriously don’t!  Even when not in a RL, I didn't care.  100% truth. 

I sense you do care which is one of the driving forces behind your decision. 

I also get the sense you’re using having a RL and marriage to fill some sort of void within yourself.

Why not work on that?  Feeling whole and fulfilled on your own so you won’t have this almost desperate need to find a husband?

I still stick to what I said in my first post, and understand your mindset about this.

But I got to thinking further, and again it seems like you’re wanting these things for all the wrong reasons.

Society, peer pressure, family pressure, frustration, lonliness. 

Be happy with yourself on your own!  You are more apt to meet the man who fulfills all your requirements (including sexual attraction) that way.

Often times, it’s when we’re happy and content on our own and not even looking when the “right” person comes along and I speak from experience when I say that!

 

 

 

I have considered this, that I might meet the right man later on, but timing is what's important here. The truth is, by the time this man comes along, it may be too late to have children. Even if it's possible, I don't want to be in my 60s when my kids graduate and my life with my husband can finally start. And if I'm already in a longterm marriage with children when I meet the right man, it won't matter because he is too late. I will have bigger and better things to worry about, like nurturing my family, my marriage, and raising my children. 

[kendahke]

8 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

I have been available for many years. He isn't coming. Probably stuck in a tree somewhere. 

When I was younger, this was my mindset... and I remained single as a result.

Now that I'm 60, I've found a guy who is stellar and everything I'd been wanting, but was too busy telling the universe he didn't exist.  The universe gave me what I was investing in until I stopped doing that.

[poppyfields]

I repeat, you are only 30. And once you adopt this new mindset of not *neediing* to find a man to have a RL with or be married to, you're more apt to find the guy you want to marry!  Who meets all the requirements you desire including a strong attraction.

 There's a law of nature that explains this, I can't remember what it is now. 

Be happy, content, fulfilled, whole on your own.  Live the best life you can, and "he" will come. 

This new mindset will take time but again, since you are still so young, there is a very good chance your Mr. Right will come along, and you won't be available to receive him.

Which would be very sad imo.

Anyway, best of luck. 

Edited June 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ellener]

19 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

We rarely find our 'soulmates', for lack of a better word.

I wonder what a soulmate would be in 2020?

I've had three 'soulmates' in life and none of them have worked out as relationships long-term! 

[Weezy1973]

10 minutes ago, Ellener said:

I wonder what a soulmate would be in 2020?

I've had three 'soulmates' in life and none of them have worked out as relationships long-term! 

Exactly. There are no guarantees. The worst choice you can make is not choosing at all. Want marriage and kids? Find a man who checks those boxes. You can’t be repulsed by the thought of touching him though.

 

For what it’s worth @Hopeful30, my dad shared many of the qualities your dad did, but my mom admits he wasn’t really her type. He had to persist. Now she says it was the best decision she ever made. Married over 50 years.

[Lotsgoingon]

The difference between a soulmate and a good partner (someone we really like, who's attentive, who we feel attracted to) ... is a very fine line. 

The soulmate feeling is sometimes just infatuation and hormones raging. 

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

My father is the reason I have high standards. He had a family, a business, a house and 2 kids by the time he was 25. He taught me to be independent, strong, and not to tolerate disrespect and to respect my body. He is an incredible human being who achieved much with very little, and he has always been an amazing husband to my mother and a wonderful father to me and my brother. He is the reason I *know* that true, unconditional love is out there and it comes in a beautiful package. I would like a man like him, of course, but as I get older, I realize he truly is one of a kind and there is no one else like him. 

So it took me forever to find the right guy for me for this very same reason. I had a handful of RLs with guys who were almost the opposite of my father, with very mixed results - my subconscious reasoning must have been 'no point even trying, no guy can measure up'. Wrong. It took me a midlife crisis in my late 30s to have the maturity to go for what I wanted. I don't regret holding on to my standards. My SO is the physical opposite of my father, but I see a lot of the same quiet confidence and profound goodness in him. He is infuriatingly stubborn, and is be a more touchy-feely than I'm used to, but he is an amazing communicator and has this gift of putting everyone at ease straight away. There are good guys out there, Hopeful. You don't need to downgrade your standards - your expectations however, yes.

[FMW]

My thoughts are coming from the other side of "settling".  That's what I did with my ex-husband.  I was 28, all my friends were married and starting families.  I had dated - a LOT - for ten years, and honestly just felt tired of the whole dating scene.  I took a new job and moved to a new city to shake up my life.  I met my xH and we became really good friends, had similar interests and he pursued me relentlessly.  So I thought ok, this is as good as it gets.  

My "settling" resulted in 23 years of unhappiness for both of us.  Once he got over his initial honeymoon crush on me, my lack of sufficient wifely feelings for him was something he felt deeply.  We loved each other and were friends, and he liked the security and stability that I brought to his life.  But his need to be truly adored and deeply desired led him to seek out attention from other women.  Repeatedly.  For years.  He should have divorced me many years before I finally made the choice to end our marriage.

It was unfair of me to agree to marry him just because I decided that was the next logical stage of my life.  I live with guilt about how that might have kept him from meeting someone long ago who he could have been happy with.  Four years post divorce I'm pretty happy with my life.  But from what he tells me in our occasional communication, his life is a mess.  Sure, his bad choices are his own, but when you marry someone, you feel responsible for their life as well. Divorce hasn't taken that away for me, so I live with guilt.

And I live with the regret of wasted years for both of us.  All because I decided it was time I should be married.   

 

[chillii]

 

Only 30 yeah that's still very young . hopefully he hasn't been in a tree he just hasn't come along yet . l'd imagine if someone in the past was right for you then it would've developed and it's more like it's just that no one has been yet.

l effg hate stats and all the absolute bs out there these days, they just eff peoples thinking,  but you know there probably stats somewhere about your age group and the average these days and for 30ish and early 30s and on and on they would go . But l'd be thinking 30  to 35 would be a very common settling down age these days .

Edited June 8, 2020 by chillii

[snowcones]

On 6/7/2020 at 6:05 PM, Hopeful30 said:

I've decided that the next decent guy I meet, I'll settle for him. I have de-prioritized chemistry, sexual attraction and handsomeness because these things appear to be lacking (for me personally) in the men I have been meeting.

Well, you're going to make a lot of men very very happy.  This is exactly what they want.   Men have been asking women to do this since women started being independent and picking their men based on attraction and chemistry.  Lord forbid women do that, they hate that shyte (lol).  Go back to picking men based being a bit decent. Just remember, don't cheat on him down the line.  That would be F-ed up.  If this is the bed you choose to lie in, you need to commit fully to it and not feel like you "missed something" down the line.

[Hopeful30]

15 minutes ago, FMW said:

My thoughts are coming from the other side of "settling".  That's what I did with my ex-husband.  I was 28, all my friends were married and starting families.  I had dated - a LOT - for ten years, and honestly just felt tired of the whole dating scene.  I took a new job and moved to a new city to shake up my life.  I met my xH and we became really good friends, had similar interests and he pursued me relentlessly.  So I thought ok, this is as good as it gets.  

My "settling" resulted in 23 years of unhappiness for both of us.  Once he got over his initial honeymoon crush on me, my lack of sufficient wifely feelings for him was something he felt deeply.  We loved each other and were friends, and he liked the security and stability that I brought to his life.  But his need to be truly adored and deeply desired led him to seek out attention from other women.  Repeatedly.  For years.  He should have divorced me many years before I finally made the choice to end our marriage.

It was unfair of me to agree to marry him just because I decided that was the next logical stage of my life.  I live with guilt about how that might have kept him from meeting someone long ago who he could have been happy with.  Four years post divorce I'm pretty happy with my life.  But from what he tells me in our occasional communication, his life is a mess.  Sure, his bad choices are his own, but when you marry someone, you feel responsible for their life as well. Divorce hasn't taken that away for me, so I live with guilt.

And I live with the regret of wasted years for both of us.  All because I decided it was time I should be married.   

 

It was his choice to stay married to you despite knowing this. He could have walked away at any time. He knew exactly what he was doing, and regardless your reasons for marrying him, you are not responsible for his happiness.

[chillii]

Speak for yourself Jezuz that's a pretty damn generalized statement snowc.

Any men l know myself included wanted the same thing women want and they were no less likely to be happy with less than she was , more probably, myself included in that too.

Edited June 9, 2020 by chillii

[FMW]

5 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Well, guess what? This weekend I found out I'm pregnant!

Congratulations Ruby, I wish lots of happiness for you!

[snowcones]

3 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

It was his choice to stay married to you despite knowing this. He could have walked away at any time. He knew exactly what he was doing, and regardless your reasons for marrying him, you are not responsible for his happiness.

Most men don't like to divorce, even if they are unhappy.  I agree that he should have divorced her once he realized that she didn't love him like he wanted her to, but I also sympathize with him in that he felt like he was duped.  He thought she loved him when they married, only to realize that she didn't.  I'm sure that was a huge bummer/let down.

[snowcones]

5 minutes ago, chillii said:

Speak for yourself Jezuz that's a pretty damn generalized statement snowc.

Any men l know myself included wanted the same thing women want and they were no less likely to be happy with less than she was , more probably, myself included in that too.

Oh please.  Men are constantly telling women "lower your standards".  For what? So I can date YOU even though I don't like you.  And you don't even care that I'm not attracted to you?  Think about that for a second.  It's ridiculous.   If they did care about whether a woman was really attracted to them, they would never utter such words 'lower your standards'.  Lower your standards means settle. 

Maybe you've never said those words chilli, but I've heard plenty of times, and Ms. Hopeful30 is not going to have any trouble finding a guy to settle with.

[simpycurious]

7 minutes ago, snowcones said:

Oh please.  Men are constantly telling women "lower your standards".  For what? So I can date YOU even though I don't like you.  And you don't even care that I'm not attracted to you?  Think about that for a second.  It's ridiculous.   If they did care about whether a woman was really attracted to them, they would never utter such words 'lower your standards'.  Lower your standards means settle. 

Maybe you've never said those words chilli, but I've heard plenty of times, and Ms. Hopeful30 is not going to have any trouble finding a guy to settle with.

I agree ^^ Hope will find the right guy when it's the RIGHT TIME and certainly NOT BE FORCED TO SETTLE...........I hope she does soon

[Miss Spider]

16 minutes ago, snowcones said:

Oh please.  Men are constantly telling women "lower your standards".  For what? So I can date YOU even though I don't like you.  And you don't even care that I'm not attracted to you?  Think about that for a second.  It's ridiculous.   If they did care about whether a woman was really attracted to them, they would never utter such words 'lower your standards'.  Lower your standards means settle. 

Maybe you've never said those words chilli, but I've heard plenty of times, and Ms. Hopeful30 is not going to have any trouble finding a guy to settle with.

It’s something I’ve noticed too, snowcones. It seems like unlike women, many men don’t really care if the woman is genuinely attracted to them or not. Not chili, but. I’ve heard from a lot of men over the years say to women  “give guys you’re not attracted to a chance that could turn out to be great guys/make you happy “ = have sex with me even though you’re not attracted to me haha. I guess it’s the same reason a lot of men find the ‘trophy wife/sugar daddy/mail order bride” thing to be fine and maybe even ideal...

If I knew a hot guy married me mainly for my success/money I’d be pretty upset. Not guys...

Edited June 9, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[snowcones]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

It’s something I’ve noticed too, snowcones. It seems like a unlike women, many men don’t really care if the woman is genuinely attracted to them or not. Not chili, but. I’ve heard from a lot of men over the years say to women  “give guys you’re not attracted to a chance that could turn out to be great guys/make you happy “ = have sex with me even though you’re not attracted to me haha. I guess it’s the same reason a lot of men find the ‘trophy wife/sugar daddy/mail order bride” thing to be fine and maybe even ideal...

Yes, it's insane and I'd never do it, but whatever, It's been going on since the beginning of time. 

[Ami1uwant]

21 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

Why would you tell your partner you are settling for them? That's like telling a man, "I am settling for your penis size." It will only result in unnecessary hurt feelings. 

There were a couple books out about 10 years that complemented themselves.  One was buy Lori Gottlieb titled something like marry him. Can’t revsll the other author.

women fear settling where they want mr. 99% that doesn’t exist and pass over those in the 80-90% range.

a factor in this is how people make decisions.  If it wasn’t for he internet, had these red met in traditional ways thry limrly eoukd drvrlop a relationship and have a great life together. But because thus was online and they see all these other prospects they pass over because of the green grass across the street.

Rshopping behavior models this of i maximizer vs satisfier.  A maximizer needs to see what at all the stores in the mall to pick clothes. A satisfier sees one that meets the standard qualification if liking the shirt at its price snd just buys it satisfies the criteria.

its not settling....

 

you set a criteria you are looking for and what really matters vs what’s nice to haves. You seem to be focused on looks wanting a 10 which will never happen if you are a 6-7. If you work as a cashier or admin asst you are likely not getting a doctor or lawyer.

there are different criteria you’d look for if you want a fun date vs who might be a good partner long term as spouse and be a parent with

 

 

23 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Actually, there is a book out there on basically this exact subject.  I don't remember the name but I'm sure you can find it if you do an internet search.  The theme is if you prioritize having a family you might need to settle or something to that effect.  I'm not sure if they have stats in there but I would imagine they do because of the type of book it is--not just vague, musings. (i haven't read it but a friend did).  Maybe check it out before you embark on this plan.  It's "pro" your plan from what I understand so it can serve to advise not talk you out of it.

That said, I don't approve of the plan  

I think you'd be selling yourself out.  How can you pick a screen name "Hopeful" and barter out HOPE???  Just saying.   Ultimately I believe you will be very unhappy in this even if you get what you want on paper.  If you have a gold digger vibe, some of those girls are fine with that cause they will move on eventually or do what they want regardless or like material things more than real partnership. Comparison however seems like part of the reason you are feeling this would be a good plan.  It's between the lines when you describe your friends.  That's surface comparison and outsiders can easily be mislead by lifestyles that seem to provide security, and what everyone is supposed to want on paper.  It doesn't detail the real emotional component or self-esteem stuff.

 

Se what I wrote above..there are books that better model her of wanting things out of her league.

[Ami1uwant]

11 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

That's the goal. Luckily, it does not require sexual attraction, therefore I am removing it from my priorities. 

 

You are looking for immediate lust and ignoring attraction that slowly builds as you learn who they are inside.

[snowcones]

5 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

If I knew a hot guy married me mainly for my success/money I’d be pretty upset.

Well get ready for it, Doll, because more and more men are starting to do this. 

And some guys ARE upset about it - those are the ones running around screaming Golddigger.  The guys who aren't upset about it think women should pick a man based on his earning potential. I guess any leg up is good.

Honestly, I think part of them not caring has to do with women's sexual arousal not being obvious nor necessary in order for her to reproduce.  But that is getting into the hairy woods now and I won't go there.

[Miss Spider]

8 minutes ago, snowcones said:

Yes, it's insane and I'd never do it, but whatever, It's been going on since the beginning of time. 

I think someone would do it only if they absolutely have to