Weezy1973 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 48 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I just love that feeling of infatuation. But it never lasts for me... By definition the feeling of infatuation doesn’t last. And good thing, or people wouldn’t be able to function! 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Actually I don't see Hopeful30 as being reluctant to take what may be right before her in the hopes that somebody better will come along in the future. I see this as more despondent. She's afraid this is as a good as it gets & that makes her sad because it's not what she wants. What I have been trying to explain to her is that she's labeling perfectly good guys as not enough when they really are if she would just give them a chance. Yes and that's a function of having unrealistic standards being set for her by our media and society. What she "wants" may have never been attainable, but anything less is "not good enough." A fairytale romance was once a thing reserved for bedtime stories and a child's imagination. Now it's absolutely everywhere, on TV, on the internet, all over the media, all propagating this fantasy that everyone is enjoying whirlwind romances and passionate sex with gorgeous people -- except you. You're settling for less. Our society and our media plays such a key role into shaping our world views and what we want out of life. It raises our expectations for relationships to unattainable heights. It's a common issue with millennial women, I think, to equate keeping an open mind and allowing expectations to evolve as "giving up on your dreams." 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 rjc149 to the extent that Hopeful30's expectations have been misshaped by fairytales etc. her post is about jettisoning those warped thoughts 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 2 minutes ago, rjc149 said: Yes and that's a function of having unrealistic standards being set for her by our media and society. What she "wants" may have never been attainable, but anything less is "not good enough." What she wants is her equal and that is not unrealistic surely? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 It’s really hard from the outside to know if people are actually settling or if they have unrealistic expectations. Settling by definition would be taking less than you can realistically get. Settling is not getting less than you want if what you want is unrealistic. Accepting reality can be tough. Creating a fantasy world is very safe to live in, but hurts us when it comes to the real world when we realize it doesn’t match what we made up in our heads. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 5 minutes ago, elaine567 said: What she wants is her equal and that is not unrealistic surely? It’s not that simple though. I mentioned before that a woman’s career or financial well being doesn’t really move the needle for most men in terms of attraction, whereas is does for many women. So a man day equal to the OP in terms of looks and career, may have better options than the OP because he’ll attract more women due to his career success. In other words, attractiveness is better defined by the options one has, rather than by specific traits. The OPs equal would be the man that has the same number and quality of options that the OP has. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fox Sake Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 (edited) On 6/8/2020 at 12:05 AM, Hopeful30 said: I'm realizing more and more that while there are plenty of great men out there, the right man for me is either dead, married, or the chances of us meeting are very low. Online dating is neither here nor there. Plenty of decent men who don't make effort. I haven't had sex in years, and I've been missing male companionship for a very long time. This has made me reconsider my priorities when it comes to dating. I've decided that the next decent guy I meet, I'll settle for him. I have de-prioritized chemistry, sexual attraction and handsomeness because these things appear to be lacking (for me personally) in the men I have been meeting. As of last week, everyone I know is pregnant, married, or has kids. All of them, according to them, have settled with the exception of one couple. I'm the only person who comes home to an empty apartment while everyone else is busy being in relationships. People who hold out on waiting for the right partner usually end up old and alone, and I can count easily on one hand these people from the top of my head (currently in 40s-60s age range, both men and women). Taking all of this into consideration, I have decided to put aside my desires and just go with the flow. The next man I end up dating, I shall settle for him. I shall love him, spoil him, treat him well, birth his children, and hope that they aren't ugly (lol). For those who have settled for their partners, am I correct in assuming that you are happy with your decision? That your 'desired person' still hasn't come along? I know someone who settled .. Looks wise the compatibility was there. But that’s where it ended. They’re now 63 and separated. Had some great kids , but even at 63 I’ve heard the one who “settled” tell me that’s why their relationship eventually failed. The cracks eventually show due to different morals and life expectations, personality’s etc. It led to an affair and all sorts half way through the marriage, and now one is terribly lonely without the other, and the other wants to do their own thing. Can’t speak for everyone. But that’s the reason I will never settle. Take from it what you will, but whatever you do decide to do, I wish you the best possible outcome ! Edited June 9, 2020 by Fox Sake 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
miranda561 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 40 minutes ago, rjc149 said: You're right, her problem is that she views herself as passing up potentially better future opportunities to "settle" for something now. Which begs the question, are those potentially better future opportunities real, or an entitlement illusion. It requires a shift in mindset toward a more open, fluid criteria, not a rigid set of boxes that must all be checked, and if one box isn't checked, he's "2nd place." To be fair at least she's thinking more practically. Whereas i don't think men usually ever "settle". Even the less than average/average ones...always looking for a supermodel. Link to post Share on other sites
miranda561 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 24 minutes ago, rjc149 said: Yes and that's a function of having unrealistic standards being set for her by our media and society. What she "wants" may have never been attainable, but anything less is "not good enough." A fairytale romance was once a thing reserved for bedtime stories and a child's imagination. Now it's absolutely everywhere, on TV, on the internet, all over the media, all propagating this fantasy that everyone is enjoying whirlwind romances and passionate sex with gorgeous people -- except you. You're settling for less. Our society and our media plays such a key role into shaping our world views and what we want out of life. It raises our expectations for relationships to unattainable heights. It's a common issue with millennial women, I think, to equate keeping an open mind and allowing expectations to evolve as "giving up on your dreams." Im a millenial. 😭 and in the same position as op. Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: What she wants is her equal and that is not unrealistic surely? Depends entirely on what she considers her "equal." And if all of the men who are available and attainable by her are not what she considers her "equal," then it may be more of an issue with what she offers, not an issue with what they can offer her, or an issue with whether it's equal. Luckily for a young woman like the OP, there are very easily fixes and hacks to max out her sex appeal. Committing to the gym and maintaining a nice physique, getting a good hairstyle, wearing makeup, sexy clothing etc. I'm wondering if she's pursued those as a recourse to getting higher-quality dates. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fox Sake Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, miranda561 said: To be fair at least she's thinking more practically. Whereas i don't think men usually ever "settle". Even the less than average/average ones...always looking for a supermodel. They do. I know quite a few men my age and much older people too. And I’ll tell you something else. The women around my parts settle for the WORST type of guys. And do you know why? And this is straight from the horses mouth - “so I’m always the one in control and i know they won’t cheat on me because they have it good” edit - thanks for reminding me why I hate the mentality of where I live. This is a view shared by many women around here Edited June 9, 2020 by Fox Sake Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 6 minutes ago, miranda561 said: To be fair at least she's thinking more practically. Whereas i don't think men usually ever "settle". Even the less than average/average ones...always looking for a supermodel. Look at all the couples you see. Are the men all with supermodels? 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 2 minutes ago, rjc149 said: Luckily for a young woman like the OP, there are very easily fixes and hacks to max out her sex appeal. Committing to the gym and maintaining a nice physique, getting a good hairstyle, wearing makeup, sexy clothing etc. I'm wondering if she's pursued those as a recourse to getting higher-quality dates. I guess she is looking for guys with a bit more depth than that. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 2 minutes ago, Fox Sake said: The women around my parts settle for the WORST type of guys. And do you know why? And this is straight from the horses mouth - “so I’m always the one in control and i know they won’t cheat on me because they have it good” Yep. The safety and reassurance of a committed partner adds more value to her life than dating the more sexually exciting, but more dangerous bad boy. Younger women don't see the value-add of the safe provider, older women do. A good number of women who "settled" will then go on to have affairs to fulfill their need for sexual excitement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
miranda561 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 1 minute ago, Fox Sake said: They do. I know quite a few men my age and much older people too. And I’ll tell you something else. The women around my parts settle for the WORST type of guys. And do you know why? And this is straight from the horses mouth - “so I’m always the one in control and i know they won’t cheat on me because they have it good” They do when theyre like 50 maybe😂 Im talking about ones my age.in their 20s to early 30s. But what do you define as the worst type of guys? In a way men are luckier than women. Women have the capability to think more sensibly. As highlighted by the op. Link to post Share on other sites
miranda561 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Look at all the couples you see. Are the men all with supermodels? Ok supermodel is an exaggeration. But someone as attractive or way more attractive than them. You'd never see a man with an under average woman. And if they are, guaranteed theyre looking for something better Edited June 9, 2020 by miranda561 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 3 minutes ago, elaine567 said: I guess she is looking for guys with a bit more depth than that. 98% of guys, unfortunately. Unless she is just wildly, unreasonably picky. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 Guys "settle" I guess more than women. At least women are more realistic... Link to post Share on other sites
miranda561 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, rjc149 said: Depends entirely on what she considers her "equal." And if all of the men who are available and attainable by her are not what she considers her "equal," then it may be more of an issue with what she offers, not an issue with what they can offer her, or an issue with whether it's equal. Luckily for a young woman like the OP, there are very easily fixes and hacks to max out her sex appeal. Committing to the gym and maintaining a nice physique, getting a good hairstyle, wearing makeup, sexy clothing etc. I'm wondering if she's pursued those as a recourse to getting higher-quality dates. By higher quality, you mean shallow dates? Based on what they both look like Edited June 9, 2020 by miranda561 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 1 minute ago, miranda561 said: By higher quality, you mean shallow dates? Based on what they both look like I mean dates that meet her standards, since she seems to regard her current options as sub-standard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 2 minutes ago, miranda561 said: You'd never see a man with an under average woman But that is because women in general tend to make up, dress up and make the best of themselves. She may be 4 but when glammed up she can be a 7. He is still a 4 no matter what... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, elaine567 said: I guess she is looking for guys with a bit more depth than that. Absolutely! I adore you rjc but one can't get more shallow. Sexy clothing, really? A woman's sexuality and femininity come from within, not from the clothes she wears or having her hair styled or the right makeup. That's a barbie doll replica not a real woman. Speaking for my bf, and previous bfs, they thought I looked most sexy upon waking in the morn, sleepy eyes, hair disheveled, wearing his big ole shirt! Xd My current bf has taken many pics of me like this (he's a photographer). Edited June 9, 2020 by poppyfields 2 Link to post Share on other sites
miranda561 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, rjc149 said: I mean dates that meet her standards, since she seems to regard her current options as sub-standard. But you're insinuating she doesn't present herself well or isnt attractive enough ( currently)..to catch the attention of the men she really wants? Where is the op to give her views on all of this 😂 Edited June 9, 2020 by miranda561 2 Link to post Share on other sites
miranda561 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, elaine567 said: But that is because women in general tend to make up, dress up and make the best of themselves. She may be 4 but when glammed up she can be a 7. He is still a 4 no matter what... Yes but me being female i know what makeup is and what a 4 looks like 😂 So youre saying men do go for under average women..they look over average because they're done up? But then again they are a bit thick. They can go mad over women who are wearing 50 layers of makeup. Maybe youre right Edited June 9, 2020 by miranda561 Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 (edited) 29 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Speaking for my bf, and previous bfs, they thought I looked most sexy upon waking in the morn, sleepy eyes, hair disheveled, wearing his big ole shirt! Xd My current bf has taken many pics of me like this (he's a photographer). Something tells me you can pull that look off. Not every woman can. 22 minutes ago, miranda561 said: But you're insinuating she doesn't present herself well or isnt attractive enough ( currently)..to catch the attention of the men she really wants? Where is the op to answer to give her views on all of this 😂 Yes, I was insinuating that. More to diagnose the issue on why a young woman is this frustrated at her current pick of men. It's either unreasonable expectations, or her not offering broader appeal to get more options. Or maybe she lives in the sticks and she only gets 1 match each month on FarmersOnly.com. When men are having trouble dating, I insinuate that they don't present themselves attractively, confidently, charming, alpha enough. I'm no sexist on this. Sex appeal is what determines your success in the dating game. For young women, that's primarily physical appearance. Looks aren't everything, but I don't think it's doing any woman any favors to tell them that they don't matter. They do. It's the harsh reality of dating for women, and it sucks. It IS shallow and demoralizing and emotionally hurtful. I can't imagine what it's like to be a woman in this society, especially one who isn't conventionally pretty. I don't want to. At least as a guy, I can pump iron, make a lot of money, dress sharply and be super confident, and my looks won't matter as much. Women don't have that luxury. I'm not advocating that women look like porn stars in order to have a shot. But, making the effort to appear attractive is -- attractive. Staying in shape by exercising and eating a healthy diet. Having a flattering hairstyle. Wearing flattering clothes. Have white teeth. Enhance your face with makeup. If something is fixable, fix it. Like, this is 101. It's shallow to give this advice? Or am I just speaking an unwanted truth and people come to kill the messenger? Edited June 9, 2020 by rjc149 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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