Deleting my dating profile and settling for the next guy I date.

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Something tells me you can pull that look off. Not every woman can. 

Thanks, I'll take that as a compliment. 

But the reason for it is because my sexuality and femininity come from within, I've been told this by many people, both men and women.  And I know this myself too.  

I think most women have it in them as well; problem is they've been so brainwashed by society and the media to focus on the external versus the internal, and it just comes off superficial in many cases. 

That's not to say I don't try to always look my best, I do, what I'm saying is it doesn't mean a hill of beans if a woman doesn't possess that confidence and allow her sexuality and femininity to exude and shine from within. 

Edited June 9, 2020 by poppyfields

[thefooloftheyear]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

What she wants is her equal and that is not unrealistic surely?

It's really hard to quantify "equal" between men and women....Because the standards aren't the same, generally speaking...

Example...

A woman that isn't all that hot, but makes 200K/yr could be passing up guys that make 80K because they don't make as much...But the guys that do make as much or more,  dont care what she makes and they are going for hot....Also, you simply wouldn't believe the amount of average/out of shape women demanding no less than a 200+ lb guy with no more than 12% bf..

Attractive and desirable women don't stay on the market for long....Attractive and desirable men dont stay on the market at all...they often don't even reach the open market before getting swooped up...

 

TFY

Edited June 9, 2020 by thefooloftheyear

[miranda561]

11 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Something tells me you can pull that look off. Not every woman can. 

 

Yes, I was insinuating that. More to diagnose the issue on why a young woman is this frustrated at her current pick of men. It's either unreasonable expectations, or her not offering broader appeal to get more options. Or maybe she lives in the sticks and she only gets 1 match each month on FarmersOnly.com. 

When men are having trouble dating, I insinuate that they don't present themselves attractively, confidently, charming, alpha enough. I'm no sexist on this. Sex appeal is what determines your success in the dating game. For young women, that's primarily physical appearance. 

Looks aren't everything, but I don't think it's doing any woman any favors to tell them that they don't matter. They do. It's the harsh reality of dating for women, and it sucks. It IS shallow and demoralizing and emotionally hurtful. I can't imagine what it's like to be a woman in this society, especially one who isn't conventionally pretty. I don't want to. At least as a guy, I can pump iron, make a lot of money, dress sharply and be super confident, and my looks won't matter as much. Women don't have that luxury. 

I'm not advocating that women look like porn stars in order to have a shot. But, making the effort to appear attractive is -- attractive. Staying in shape by exercising and eating a healthy diet. Having a flattering hairstyle. Wearing flattering clothes. Have white teeth. Enhance your face with makeup. If something is fixable, fix it. Like, this is 101. It's shallow to give this advice? Or am I just speaking an unwanted truth and people come to kill the messenger? 

It a little shallow but youre a man so youre coming  from that perspective. Its certainly not the first ive heard it. ..and there is some truth to it. For example OLD...my friend whos a man used it and pretty much all he commented on was shes got a fat face..or she's  too tanned or shes nowhere near as pretty as the woman i like ( currently). I mean it pretty much was all about looks. 

Im curious to see what the OP has to say with regards to this. Obviously we can't  see what she looks like...but she can shed some light on it..in terms of her appearance and what not

[Miss Spider]

Iirc op is also 5’10” or so... may cut down her options right there... not many men wanna be the shorter one and also she said she won’t date shorter men ..

[miranda561]

6 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

It's really hard to quantify "equal" between men and women....Because the standards aren't the same, generally speaking...

Example...

A woman that isn't all that hot, but makes 200K/yr could be passing up guys that make 80K because they don't make as much...But the guys that do make as much or more,  dont care what she makes and they are going for hot....Also, you simply wouldn't believe the amount of average/out of shape women demanding no less than a 200+ lb guy with no more than 12% bf..

Attractive and desirable women don't stay on the market for long....Attractive and desirable men dont stay on the market at all...they often don't even reach the open market before getting swooped up...

 

TFY

Im attractive and desirable. But im on the market 😂. 

 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Also, you simply wouldn't believe the amount of average/out of shape women demanding no less than a 200+ lb guy with no more than 12% bf..

And you wouldn't believe the amount of average, boring awkward guys who are demanding no less than a 7 with a fantastic personality...
Being unrealistic is not only the preserve of women.
She is not looking for some shallow guy who will date a waitress because she is sooo "hot"...
No. she is looking for a man with some depth, who can actually think with his big head...

[Fox Sake]

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

Yep. The safety and reassurance of a committed partner adds more value to her life than dating the more sexually exciting, but more dangerous bad boy. Younger women don't see the value-add of the safe provider, older women do. 

A good number of women who "settled" will then go on to have affairs to fulfill their need for sexual excitement. 

Absolutely spot on ....! 

[thefooloftheyear]

Just now, elaine567 said:

And you wouldn't believe the amount of average, boring awkward guys who are demanding no less than a 7 with a fantastic personality...
Being unrealistic is not only the preserve of women.
She is not looking for some shallow guy who will date a waitress because she is sooo "hot"...
No. she is looking for a man with some depth, who can actually think with his big head...

No one said it's only women, although I do believe a man is more likely to not punch above his weight class, where women do it fairly frequently, then bemoan the "no good guys' crap..

If she is in fact a true 5'10" then that will put her in the outlier class, like a 5'3" guy....The market certainly gets tighter...Even taller guys tend to favor more petite women...

TFY

[rjc149]

15 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Also, you simply wouldn't believe the amount of average/out of shape women demanding no less than a 200+ lb guy with no more than 12% bf..

This is sort of what I'm getting at with my replies to this thread. 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

The safety and reassurance of a committed partner adds more value to her life than dating the more sexually exciting, but more dangerous bad boy.

Is this not a bit of a generalisation?
 

[Miss Spider]

These are all generalizations 

[rjc149]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Is this not a bit of a generalisation?
 

How so? 

 

[Miss Spider]

 200lb 12% body fat sounds .... That’s when the veins start poppin and stuff.  I guess I’m happy to be in the minority that’s not attracted to super Saiyan 

Edited June 9, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Fox Sake]

11 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Is this not a bit of a generalisation?
 

Well, I never wrote that. I quoted it, but if someone on here explained me to a T, then it was that. It was spooky. Made me wonder if RJC actually knew me. 
Thats why I said spot on. 
 

I can’t generalise, I can only share my own views from who I am as a person and my experiences.
I don’t believe I’m qualified enough to generalise, but I can certainly point out some off the differences in my own experience with others 

Edited June 9, 2020 by Fox Sake

[rjc149]

21 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

No. she is looking for a man with some depth, who can actually think with his big head...

I don't think the OP is lamenting that she has to settle for a shallow guy. She is lamenting that she must settle for a man who doesn't meet her original criteria, which includes physical appearance, financial status, etc. 

When you're talking about men who "don't care about looks" that's really just a nice way of saying they don't have high physical standards. Which means they aren't able to have them. Which means they are usually not very attractive themselves. An attractive man with options is going to care about a woman's looks. In some cases, to the exclusion of all other traits. There's just no sticking your head in the sand about that. 

[Hopeful30]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

TFY, I really like the way you think.

Hopeful, do you not believe you deserve to have it all?  The physical attraction/chemistry, the emotional connection, shared values and financial security? 

There is a saying "to believe is to have."

This is deep stuff, and does take some introspection and self-reflection. 

But there are folks out there who deep within feel undeserving of having a great relationship, encompassing all their needs including physical attraction or even to be treated well.

So they either reject everyone they meet even when there is a physical attraction, believing (subconsciously) they don't deserve, or end up with losers who treat them poorly.

Or something in between which is where I think you are.  Jmo.

Willing to forfeit the sexual/physical  attraction with a great looking man (in your eyes as looks are subjective) somehow believing you don't deserve him and he will eventually hurt you.

Fear combined with low self esteem, which are often hidden within, and take some digging to acknowledge. 

 

 

 

On the contrary, what upsets me is that I know my worth and that I deserve the best, however have not found a relationship/partner who reflects that.

4 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

You keep citing this example above ^^^ which is essentially what you are proposing to do with the "next guy".  Why don't you think you will end up in the exact same position that you did with this guy?  i.e. will not be able to sustain the relationship.

After several years of being single, what other options do I have? 

4 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

in finding attraction are you reaching out if your league?

Nope. Trying to find players within the same field. I wouldn't want a man out of my league anyways. Because of their status, they rarely commit to one woman. I want commitment.

4 hours ago, miranda561 said:

Well she clearly is reaching out of her league. Otherwise she would  be with one of those men now. 

Unless  of course the men she is drawn towards  are arrogant and delusional. 

The problem is finding someone within my league to begin with 😛 and to clarify, I am 5'11

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Depends entirely 

Luckily for a young woman like the OP, there are very easily fixes and hacks to max out her sex appeal. Committing to the gym and maintaining a nice physique, getting a good hairstyle, wearing makeup, sexy clothing etc. I'm wondering if she's pursued those as a recourse to getting higher-quality dates. 

 

You are assuming I'm not already highly sexy and beautiful 😎

1 hour ago, thefooloftheyear said:

It's really hard to quantify "equal" between men and women....Because the standards aren't the same, generally speaking...

Example...

A woman that isn't all that hot, but makes 200K/yr could be passing up guys that make 80K because they don't make as much...But the guys that do make as much or more,  dont care what she makes and they are going for hot....Also, you simply wouldn't believe the amount of average/out of shape women demanding no less than a 200+ lb guy with no more than 12% bf..

Attractive and desirable women don't stay on the market for long....Attractive and desirable men dont stay on the market at all...they often don't even reach the open market before getting swooped up...

 

TFY

Common misconception. Highly attractive and desirable women are seldom approached because men automatically assume she's already taken. It's the highly desirable and attractive women who stay on the market the longest.

[poppyfields]

34 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

Common misconception. Highly attractive and desirable women are seldom approached because men automatically assume she's already taken. It's the highly desirable and attractive women who stay on the market the longest.

I don’t think that’s true at all, and somewhat of a cop out.

Agree beautiful women may not get approached as much, by insecure men who are intimidated by her and/or fear rejection.

Not all men are insecure, and not all men fear rejection, not to the extent it will prevent them from talking to a woman they find very attractive.

And goodness gracious, there is more than one way to meet a man other than him approaching you. 

But it entails getting out there and socializing -- meet ups, local events in your area, being open, friendly and engaging.  Stay away from dating apps and meet and get to know men in the real world and allow them to get to know you!

A good quality guy isn’t gonna just fall from the sky for goodness sakes.  YOU need to make an effort too.

And as I said, if all you’re meeting are good looking players who end up breaking your heart, you are the common denominator.    Perhaps your picker needs some fine tuning or something.

I have met and dated some “players” in my day but for the most part, the men I met and chose to date (I’m in a RL now), were all quality guys -- successful, good looking (to me), emotionally open and available.

So dunno Hopeful, like TFY suggested, on some subconscious level you may not think you deserve that, and if you don’t think you deserve it, can almost guarantee you will not find it.

 

Edited June 9, 2020 by poppyfields

[rjc149]

17 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

You are assuming I'm not already highly sexy and beautiful 😎

Never for second!  

I just think you're headed to a point in your life where your compromises will need to be greater. Waiting for your Mr. Perfect is just burning time. I suggest a mentality shift on who Mr. Perfect is. 

And yeah, being 5'11 in your bare feet as a woman -- limits you to 15% of the male dating pool who are taller than you, and we all know, tall guys are in demand. 

I want to date someone who looks like 2000's Kim Kardashian (before she surgically butchered her face). That doesn't mean having a relationship with a woman who isn't at that level physically is "settling." I'm realistic about my own SMV. Even as a guy who places importance on physical criteria, being happy with someone in a relationship is beyond that. 

Are you really only limited to dating Danny DeVitos and that's why you're forlorn? Or were you holding out for the Ryan Reynolds' or the Channing Tatums, and realize getting that is a tall order, that gets taller each year you grow older? 

[Hopeful30]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I don’t think that’s true at all, and somewhat of a cop out.

Agree beautiful women may not get approached as much, by insecure men who are intimidated by her and/or fear rejection.

Not all men are insecure, and not all men fear rejection, not to the extent it will prevent them from talking to a woman they find very attractive.

And goodness gracious, there is more than one way to meet a man other than him approaching you. 

But it entails getting out there and socializing -- meet ups, local events in your area, being open, friendly and engaging.  Stay away from dating apps and meet and get to know men in the real world and allow them to get to know you!

A good quality guy isn’t gonna just fall from the sky for goodness sakes.  YOU need to make an effort too.

And as I said, if all you’re meeting are good looking players who end up breaking your heart, you are the common denominator.    Perhaps your picker needs some fine tuning or something.

I have met and dated some “players” in my day but for the most part, the men I met and chose to date (I’m in a RL now), were all quality guys -- successful, good looking (to me), emotionally open and available.

So dunno Hopeful, like TFY suggested, on some subconscious level you may not think you deserve that, and if you don’t think you deserve it, can almost guarantee you will not find it.

 

Goodness no. I can smell a 'player' from miles away. On the contrary I meet very nice men, just none that 'do it' for me. Hence me reconsidering what 'does it' for me. 

In relation to the subconscious thing, we aren't 15 anymore. I worked through those limiting beliefs years ago. As other posters suggested, I just need to be less selective is all. 

I agree there are plenty of ways to meet men, but I am old school. He needs to make the first move. Otherwise, he's not a man (in my view). 

[Hopeful30]

1 minute ago, rjc149 said:

Never for second!  

I just think you're headed to a point in your life where your compromises will need to be greater. Waiting for your Mr. Perfect is just burning time. I suggest a mentality shift on who Mr. Perfect is. 

And yeah, being 5'11 in your bare feet as a woman -- limits you to 15% of the male dating pool who are taller than you, and we all know, tall guys are in demand. 

I want to date someone who looks like 2000's Kim Kardashian (before she surgically butchered her face). That doesn't mean having a relationship with a woman who isn't at that level physically is "settling." I'm realistic about my own SMV. Even as a guy who places importance on physical criteria, being happy with someone in a relationship is beyond that. 

Are you really only limited to dating Danny DeVitos and that's why you're forlorn? Or were you holding out for the Ryan Reynolds' or the Channing Tatums, and realize getting that is a tall order, that gets taller each year you grow older? 

Lol not at all, but the Danny Devitos do approach more because they don't really have anything to lose, especially the older men.

[poppyfields]

27 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

Goodness no. I can smell a 'player' from miles away. On the contrary I meet very nice men, just none that 'do it' for me. Hence me reconsidering what 'does it' for me. 

In relation to the subconscious thing, we aren't 15 anymore. I worked through those limiting beliefs years ago. As other posters suggested, I just need to be less selective is all. 

I agree there are plenty of ways to meet men, but I am old school. He needs to make the first move. Otherwise, he's not a man (in my view). 

I prefer men to make the first move too, but I still know how to smile and look approachable so they know I'm open to it. 

And it's not beneath me to begin a conversation with a man while at an event or meet up. But I typically wouldn't ask him out first, I prefer he do that. 

Anyway, tried to help sorry I couldn't.  

Best of luck Hopeful. 

[thefooloftheyear]

31 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

 

I agree there are plenty of ways to meet men, but I am old school. He needs to make the first move. Otherwise, he's not a man (in my view). 

Failing logic there.... has nothing to do with old/new school...

Women prospect good men like vultures on a carcass...Take a wedding ring off to wash your hands and they're practically flashing their tits....😂

So while you wait around for the "man", all those other great guys(unless they are hermits) are getting women on a silver platter...zero effort practically....Now you know why you(and many other women) aren't finding them on dating sites...And if they do stumble on there, they dont last long..

It kinda surprises me that women still play this dumb game....If you want it, go after it...!

TFY

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

On the contrary, what upsets me is that I know my worth and that I deserve the best, 

And this statement right here is why you're single.   

Let me spell it out to you: You're not special.  I'm not special.  Princess Enigma is not special.  You're just another ordinary person floating around this planet.  Also, we don't get to choose what we deserve - rather we get what we deserve.  

So let's turn around this 'setting' thing.   You look at all the others around and recognise that they are all different degrees of ordinary.  But because you think you're special, then you see accepting ordinary is a step down.  But if you were to find some humility, you'll realise that you are actually no better than any of those other people who aren't perfect.  And then you will find love and a wonderful ordinary partner for your ordinary self.

 

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Women prospect good men like vultures on a carcass...Take a wedding ring off to wash your hands and they're practically flashing their tits....😂

So while you wait around for the "man", all those other great guys(unless they are hermits) are getting women on a silver platter...zero effort practically....Now you know why you(and many other women) aren't finding them on dating sites...And if they do stumble on there, they dont last long..

It kinda surprises me that women still play this dumb game....If you want it, go after it...!

Yes and no.   

I'm about to break my previous statement about us all being ordinary.  Yes, there are some women out there who break the mould and are spectacular in both beauty and personality.  Men will come to woo her.   But if this hasn't been happening to a woman, then she's clearly ordinary like the rest of us.   And she has to do the hard yards just like the rest of us.  

And dare I say, Hopeful insulting the masculinity of men who don't chase her how she wants to be chased is another nail in the coffin of being desirable.  

[Weezy1973]

Basically there are two broad possible reasons you’re single:

 

1. Unrealistic expectations.

2. Self sabotage.

 

Don’t discount self sabotage. If you were in an abusive relationship, it’s possible you don’t trust yourself enough to pick well. So instead you just (subconsciously of course) make sure there’s nobody to pick. If no one measures up, then no chance you’ll get into another abusive relationship.