Today is the day I found out about my ex is with someone else and I am trying to accept it

[JohnGoober]

It has been close to a year since I last spoke with my ex. It was a long 5-year relationship, out of which 2+ years were Long Distance. I left my country to be with her. I guess I now understand why she was special to me. As humans, since adolescence, we yearn for new experiences - the first ice cream? First time looking at the rain? First time receiving a Christmas gift? I suppose just like that, this kind of relationship was exciting to me and blinded me from reality.

 

Moving here, things were okay in the beginning and I never met any of her friends, family, even after moving here. Whenever I spent time in her place, she would avoid answering her friends and likewise, if she were with her friends, she would avoid answering my messages or calls. I thought she needed her space so I respected that. She told me she wasn’t ready for that. She had her good and bad sides - she was sweet and caring and sometimes, she would physically abuse me. I tried to walk out of the relationship and she begged me to stay that she would change. She sort of did and everything was going well.

One day, I found out about her affair. She went online to find a guy to have sex with. She chatted with him for a few days and she would book hotels, or to his room and have sex every few days. Sometimes, twice a week. Initially, she told me it happened only a couple of weeks but my gut never believed her. I walked out of the relationship and she would sit in front of the door crying refusing to let me leave. I stayed. She suddenly introduced me to her family, her friends.

I tried to get the truth and I contacted that guy and found out they’ve met several times a month for over 2 years. She left saying she doesn’t want to risk her future by staying with me. I never contacted her since then. I never told my friends about what she did to me so they don’t think bad of her.

Today, I found out that she’s in a serious relationship with another guy and I’ve been feeling numb. I suppose I finally have my closure now and can try to move on. I guess she doesn’t want to make the same mistakes that she did with me - cheating someone. I guess lucky him? I’m sure she will treat him well, she has already introduced him to her friends and family even though it has been a few months. But the truth is, no one knows of this, none of her friends know about why we broke up. They all see her as a good person. Was she a good person? Why was she abusive, narcissistic just with me and treated everyone else better.

TL;DR: A lot of things happened since my last post about my ex being abusive to me. I found out she was cheating and we broke up. I was always curious about what my ex is up to despite No contact I could never move on. I finally found out about her new life. I thought it would hurt me seeing her with someone else and it does hurt me. But I have decided to work on loving myself again.

[d0nnivain]

It does hurt when they fully move on & you have to face that.  Hugs.  Do work on continuing to love yourself.  This was a temporary set back.  Hang in there.  

[kendahke]

6 hours ago, JohnGoober said:

I guess lucky him? I’m sure she will treat him well, she has already introduced him to her friends and family even though it has been a few months.

No she won't. She's going to end up doing the same things to him if she hasn't taken any time to work with a therapist to get at why she thought it was OK to do what she did to you and why she justified taking the approach with you that she took.  Human nature is to resist change especially if what you're doing works for you and gets you the results you're after.

I appreciate you're hurting, but in the long run, you are so much better off having that toxic female out of your life.

One more thing: stop lying to protect her. You're doing no one any favors helping her maintain her lie.

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Was she a good person?

No. Good people don't lie to all of their friends. Good people don't contract for sex services behind the back of the person they claim to love and then put on a performance at the door to keep you from rightfully leaving. I'd have climbed out the window.  She's manipulative in the extreme.

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Why was she abusive, narcissistic just with me and treated everyone else better.

because she's a liar, she's toxic and she's manipulative, that's why.

Edited June 8, 2020 by kendahke

[KissingFire]

Ouch, OP. I'm sorry that you've been through this. Have you thought about therapy for yourself? Being cheated on once is gut-wrenching enough, let alone several times. I hope this is finally the closure you didn't know you needed. Move on with your life and know that she'll probably do the same to him that she did to you. Stay strong. x