Short intense relationship - Is there hope?

[German29]

So I met this girl via Tinder 4 months ago. We started texting heavily early on with additional long phone calls. During that time I was in hospital because I ruptured my achilles tendon. It was nice to have somebody so interesting to talk to. Our first date was 1 week later, when I got out of hospital and everything was perfect. We both agreed for a 2nd date the week after. She stayed at my place this night and we kissed for the first date. One week later we had our 3rd date, again she stayed the night and we had sex. From there on, everything went really fast. We saw each other every second day, had a lot of meaningful talks and were really intimate, right from the beginning we talked about sex very openly. We both felt that there is a strong connection between us, even though we didn't know each other for so long.

1 month in, we agreed to be in a relationship. Shortly after we had to put ourselves in quarantine because she had contact with a corona patient. Since she lives at her dad's house at the moment, I offered her to stay at my place during the two weeks quarantine to not possibly infect her dad. She was happy about it and we had a great time with just one small fight because of my ex-gf. She is a good friend of mine and was going through a breakup, asked for a phone call which my gf did not like. I promised her to cut the contact for the sake of our relationship, which I did.

After quarantine we still saw each other very frequently, we both wanted it. 1 1/2 month later I confessed her my love. I know it was maybe a bit too early but I was dead sure about it. She said it is a little bit too early but she likes that she knows now where we stand. In general, she was happy with our relationship and told it several times.

Shortly after we went on a weekend trip together, it was really romantic. Nevertheless, on the way home we had a small fight again because I told her that I am irritated about her criticizing me quite frequently. It was a mistake because everytime she did it was appropriate. When I overthink the situation now I think I just wanted a confirmation that everything is alright and she wants me, which was really stupid. Anyways, she said that the needs some space which confused me. I texted her later and asked what I means, that we should cut contact or continue to text without seeing each other. "We can still keep texting and by the way, I was thinking about you and wanted to know how you are", she answered.

The next days she always started the conversation, everything was quite normal. Matter of fact, she asked whether I want to join her to go shopping in the city which I agreed on. She was maybe a bit distant but we still kissed each other. Afterwards we went to her mum's house for a coffee. Two days later she again asked for a meetup for lunch, the tone of the situation was quite similar, a bit distant but also intimate. On this evening, I made a stupid mistake. I wished her good night via whatsapp and she didn't answer. I was upset and asked her what's going on. She read the text the next morning and said she had a stressful day but thanks for blaming me for falling asleep. I sincerely apologized but communication went downhill from there on. I started to be really clingy, pushed her to talk to me, said that I did not want to loose her and that I want to work things out. Her texts were really short and neutral.

A few days later she said she wants to meetup. There she broke up with me. She said that I suffocated her and did not give her space when she asked for it. "Maybe it's just the way how you are but I still will be there for you if something is up. We can definitely talk about it again later. During the week you told me several times that you don't want to loose me which put me under heavy pressure". She had tears in her eyes while saying that, I said maybe we could overthink everything but she denied it, "I already made a cut". I accepted it, what else should I do for now and she tanked me for my understanding.

A few remarks on her / our relationship:

-She has PTSD because of her abusive ex but is in therapy. Also she said that she sometimes cut off people of her live without logical reasoning but she is working on suppressing it (mild avoidant attachment).

-She is a person who wants to be in a relationship, most of her life she was in one. Her last relationship ended two years ago.

-She also has a stressful time right now. Her job is quite demanding, her contract ends in 2 month. Social distancing is hurting her because is outgoing.

-I met her Dad/Mom and both liked me, which is very important for her. She also met my parents and said that she wants to give a good picture. My parents loved her right from the beginning.

-I think due to my special circumstances during that time (health, stress at work, corona) I quickly started to be dependent on her and defined my happiness by our relationship. That was wrong.

-Me constantly saying that I don't want to loose her put pressure on her but she also said it several times together with her hope, that things between us work out.

-We had the same perspective regarding our future.

-I always was there for her if she had any problems. Our communication was great.

-We had a great sexual compatibility and were talking about it openly. 

 

It's 5 days since we broke up, we just sporadically text about our belongings and she asked me about my health (I reruptured my achilles tendon a few days before the breakup). Tomorrow she will come over to get her stuff and we agreed to talk again. I will not give her the feeling that I still have hope but I do. I think I start to understand why a breakup was inevitable, our relationship was way too intense with intimacy right from the beginning. I was clingy when she wanted space. But still I feel a deep connection and from the things she said and wrote to me, I think the same counts for her (she is really honest). Is there still hope for a reconciliation?

Sorry for the long post, I am just so confused. Thank you very much for any answers!

 

 

 

Edited June 8, 2020 by German29

[ExpatInItaly]

She will know you have hope, since you didn't want to break up. And that's fine; you're human, You don't need to pretend otherwise, even if you don't come right out and say you want to get back together. 

As for whether there is still hope - it's hard to say here. What sort of things was she criticizing you about? Do you really feel all her criticism was justified, or is that you just you backpedaling because you fear rocking the boat? Sometimes people stuff down their own feelings (however valid) because they're too afraid of voicing a concern. 

You are correct that constantly seeking reassurance is annoying. You are also correct that saying you loved her after 1.5 months was too much for her. But what I'm seeing (if we pull back the layers a little) is a deeper incompatibility in relationship style. You seem to lead with your emotions, while she is more guarded. This can be tricky to make work long-term because these mindsets are very different. 

[German29]

Thank you for your answer!

Regarding the stuff she critized me on, it was fully justified and stuff not regarding our relationship. It was just small things like the way I am driving sometimes or how I sometimes misjudge people in certain situations. It was dumb and thinking about it retrospectively, I don't really know why I came up with the discussion during our way home.

I partly understand the incompatibility you were referring to. You are fully right on my emotional lead. I pass it on my whole situation right now. Because when I look back on my past relationships (2yrs and 7yrs), I won't say that the way I dealt with my relationship was fully emotional driven. On her guarded stye, I am not really sure. She talked about her past, problems and fears quit openly with me (which is a point for me to think that we have a good bonding). Furthermore she often said things like "I really like you", "I am happy with you" or "I like how things are working out well between us". And with often I mean several times a day.

About an hour ago we saw each other. The plan was that she get her stuff back and that we could talk again. It was quite spontaneous, we planned to do it in the end of the week but I will probably go back to hospital in two days that's why we did it today. Unfortunately, one of her appointments took longer than expected that's why she told me to just bring her parking permit for work to her. The other stuff is still here. She was like replaced regarding to our previous meeting where she was really cold. She was joyful and happy. We talked around 5 minutes about random stuff and laughed a lot. Not a single word about our breakup was dropped. It felt like nothing happened between us. Before she went home she told me that I should get in touch with her if I need some help after my operation or whether she could do something for me. I am really confused now.