Would you forgive me?

[a good place to start]

Sorry if this is too long, I've never used something like this so probably shared too much... But here goes. 

When I was 19 and living away from home for college I met someone who I fell in love with pretty instantly. For the purpose of this I'll call him "Joe". 

It was that all consuming first love, especially with being away from home, he was everything to me and he taught me so much. About myself, the world, sex, drugs... It felt like a real adult relationship (after 5 years of reflection I now know this was not a real adult relationship.) 

He was a recovering gambling addict and did have some red flags, but I was so naive just loving him through rose tinted glasses and thinking the sun shone out his arsehole. 

Like most first loves, it didn't last. I let out a horrible character trait. When he didn't give me attention I wanted, I strayed. Our relationship was probably a coin flip of success and I gambled, lost a pretty good thing because I was young, stupid, selfish and impulsive. 

The breakup didn't go well, especially because it went on for months. It became toxic, "anything you can do I can do better" and caused us both so much pain and hurt, cumulating in me falling pregnant and having a termination. 

I went off the rails. Pretty much went reclusive for a whole year, backing out of what I'd been at college studying for. I gave up on the job I had wanted to pursue since I was a little girl and completely sank into misery for a whole 14 months. My mum was there for me and, although she didn't know about the termination I think her motherly instincts told her that I was broken. She was a rock to me through that time.

Then, with her support, I took the leap of returning to what I'd studied at college, being a professional Dancer. 

I took my first contract and left the UK for 6 months to dance, and be paid for it!! It was incredible. More memories, experiences, life was good again. But in the quiet moments, I still felt the pain of him, of the termination, of my failure and my faults. I don't think I ever forgave myself for any of my actions and it hindered other relationships with people, I found it hard to get close and stay close to other people. I continued to be incredibly lonely. 

When I was 22, my third performance contract took me to Portugal to work for a touring company. I had been there for 3 months when something happened that I never dreamed could again. I fell in love. 

I met someone from the UK. For the purpose of this I'll call him "Lewis", who lived 398.2 miles away from me. He was working over there, having just gone through his own break up, and he was loving the freedom. I knew instantly he was special. Handsome, smart, funny, truthful, kind, caring. He allowed me to share and shared with me, the first night we talked for hours, about exes, family, friends. We laughed and talked for hours and hours a day. I told him everything and I couldn't believe my heart could love again. We spent incredible 6 weeks together, and we both knew it was pure, and it scared us. 

When my dance contract came to an end and the working season was winding down, we both knew we had to go home. 398.2 miles is really far away, did we really want a long distance relationship? All we knew was that we didn't want to be without each other. Saying goodbye to him forever terrified me. 

But, all this processing and healing I had done had left me with questions about my ex "Joe". Did he still care? Did he think about me and the termination and wonder? Did he have memories he liked to think of and smile? 

When I got home I realised I didn't want to lie, to anyone. Lewis and I had been arranging to meet in the middle of those 398.2 miles, but I told him I was going to lay my cards out infront of Joe, tell him I still cared for him and see what he said. Lewis was hurt, of course, but was a kind gentleman who let me go and seek answers. 

I did. Joe and I met (in public), had a drink, then walked and talked, exchanging stories and catching up. It felt nice after all the hurt and pain of the break up, to think that we might have turned a corner and could return to a good path. 

But, with all the emotional trauma and months of cheating and lies, the termination and everything else, I started to slip back off the rails and into that bad state, reliving the trauma that I'd spent so long recovering from. I realised that Lewis was the calm, not the storm, and he the right energy for me. I realised he was more than a spark, he had the potential to be a burning flame that could keep us both warm for the rest of our lives... I told Joe I'd been wrong to contact him, he said he knew, that it was different now, and as nice as it was to see each other it could never be real. I felt like I could breathe again. 

I called Lewis and explained, told him I'd made a mistake, that I loved him, that I knew that for sure now, sorry I doubted him or myself. We had no idea how but we both were willing and in love, so we battled the odds. He came to see me, I went to see him, for 3 months we travelled back and forth and fell deeper in love, resolidifying what we had in Portugal. 

We continued doing long distance, even longer distances as I went away to perform 2 more times. It wasn't easy but I did my best to reassure him, to make him feel loved and he was incredible every day we were apart. He had faith in me and was patient. He came to visit me, we had birthdays apart, we made it work every way we could. When I came home from that second contract away from him, I knew I wanted to be closer, had to be closer to him. I felt ready to settle down a little, have a home base with someone I love and start to build a future. I moved the 398.2 miles to be with him. I got a job here, tried my best to move my life here. 

I moved in with his grandparents and his dad, with the goal being for us to save enough money to get a place of our own. We've been living together for almost 8 months now and we are not perfect at all but my god, do we love each other so deeply... Trying to have an adult relationship within earshot of your partners grandparents and father however, is tough, if not near impossible.

Anyway, 2020 starts and all is well. Then coronavirus hits and we go into lockdown. Furlough, 9 weeks solid at home in each others pocket, things get tough... We bicker more, we get on each others nerves, it's clearly a resulting strain of lockdown but that's tough to see at the time. We start to consider my going home and consult my mum for advice. It's a tough but honest conversation, about how we're struggling and she listens, playing the part of our Jeremy Kyle. She advises me to come back home, we can have space and re-evaluate. 

Lewis and I then, thinking that our relationship was starting to let in water and sink, decided to go and buy a litre of rum and get truly rat arsed.

He drinks just over half of the bottle in an hour, vomits all over the bed. I try to clean him up and help but the arguing we'd done for weeks now was amplified by the drink and things got tough. We pushed each other and shouted and cried, feeling like it was all too much. I left him passed out on the bed in the sick to sleep it off. 

I once again, let out that same horrible character trait. When he didn't give me the attention I wanted...  

I polished off the rest of the rum myself and proceeded to message Joe. After nearly 17 months without speaking to him, I allowed myself to think about him, and even worse to reach out to him. Remember when I said it was as if the sun shone out his arse hole? Turns out it's hard to remove someone's claws from your heart when they are embedded in there deeply, especially tied alongside the pain of a termination. 

I don't know what I expected, because what was passed out in the next room was my whole entire world. But I gambled with it. I asked Joe where his head was and if he still thought of me. I risked all the hours of long distance and building trust and every single thing I had with Lewis on a drunken whim of wanting to know if Joe still cared for me. 

Turns out he doesn't. 

In his own words "I don't love you, I don't want you, I don't care about you anymore, I'm over it all and I'm done with you". 

Ouch. So I had my answer. The drunken stumble to ask Joe how he felt again had FINALLY allowed me to see him without those rose tinted glasses. He didn't love me, not truly like Lewis. Joe used me, took advantage of my love and naivety, spent all of my student loan and left me a broken shell. I was no saint to him either, I mean, I was the one who strayed first... But he used me time and time again until I had absolutely nothing left and I still idolised him... How messed up is that! What does that say about me...? 

Anyway. Now that I had my answers I felt like I could finally close that chapter in my life and let it go for good. I became a better girlfriend to Lewis because of it. But I didn't tell him about what I'd done, and that was my downfall. 

3 weeks later whilst using my laptop he found the messages Joe sent me, saying he doesn't care anymore. Lewis was devastated, and rightly so. I'd chased Joe once and hurt his feelings, but at least I'd been honest about it then. This time I hid it from him, this time I buried it and pretended it never happened. 

So, if you are still reading this HUGE story, you now know my present day situation. I'm still living 398.2 miles away from home with the man I love and his family, the man who now knows I chased Joe instead of him not once but twice, and hid it from him. 

I was wrong, I made a mistake blinded by such stupid feelings. Lockdown affecting my mental health, affecting our relationship, affecting my self esteem. 

I didn't physically cheat on Lewis, I love him with all my heart. But I did turn my back on him when we were both clearly struggling. 

And now I need to know, if you were Lewis, could you forgive me? Can we ever go back to the pure, steady, burning love we once had and restore something so precious? 

I want it more than anything, the chance to have that future with Lewis again, with a white fence and a little golden brown dog and 2 kids running around... Have I ruined all that? 

I know sharing this will never repay my sins, I'm a coward and I struggle so hard to be an honest person, it scares me alot, but I think this is a good place to start.

 

Thank you for listening. 

[ExpatInItaly]

24 minutes ago, a good place to start said:

And now I need to know, if you were Lewis, could you forgive me? Can we ever go back to the pure, steady, burning love we once had and restore something so precious? 

I have to be honest -  I don't think I could look past it.  (I''m a woman too, for what it's worth)

I say that because it's not the first time you went looking for your ex. Knowing that you had done it again would solidify any suspicions I might have had that you were still emotionally too attached to this guy. It would be very hard for me to trust that you wouldn't try to seek him - or some other guy - out again when the going gets tough. While you are correct that you didn't physically cheat, it would tell me that I can't really rely on you to do the right thing in hard times and it would make me seriously question whether you loved me at all, and what would have happened if Joe had responded more warmly to you. 

However - I'm not Lewis. He might be willing to forgive but I don't think the hurt from this is going to go away any time soon. Does he want to try to work on things? 

[Dexterr]

Stop romanticizing your cheating. Stay single till you have your sh*t together. You are not fit for any kind of a relationship if your reaction to not being a little adored cupcake, is to stray. Don't hide behind the "mental health", "sad", "such feelings" excuses. Own what you did, be honest for once and change. I'd suggest therapy.

I hope Lewis won't forgive you so you'll get a lesson and become better.

Edited June 8, 2020 by Dexterr

[d0nnivain]

Forgive maybe.  Forget never.  I would always wonder if you were just settling for me. That lack of trust would be a cancer on the relationship that would eventually kill it.  

[Fox Sake]

On 6/8/2020 at 11:09 AM, a good place to start said:

Sorry if this is too long, I've never used something like this so probably shared too much... But here goes. 

When I was 19 and living away from home for college I met someone who I fell in love with pretty instantly. For the purpose of this I'll call him "Joe". 

It was that all consuming first love, especially with being away from home, he was everything to me and he taught me so much. About myself, the world, sex, drugs... It felt like a real adult relationship (after 5 years of reflection I now know this was not a real adult relationship.) 

He was a recovering gambling addict and did have some red flags, but I was so naive just loving him through rose tinted glasses and thinking the sun shone out his arsehole. 

Like most first loves, it didn't last. I let out a horrible character trait. When he didn't give me attention I wanted, I strayed. Our relationship was probably a coin flip of success and I gambled, lost a pretty good thing because I was young, stupid, selfish and impulsive. 

The breakup didn't go well, especially because it went on for months. It became toxic, "anything you can do I can do better" and caused us both so much pain and hurt, cumulating in me falling pregnant and having a termination. 

I went off the rails. Pretty much went reclusive for a whole year, backing out of what I'd been at college studying for. I gave up on the job I had wanted to pursue since I was a little girl and completely sank into misery for a whole 14 months. My mum was there for me and, although she didn't know about the termination I think her motherly instincts told her that I was broken. She was a rock to me through that time.

Then, with her support, I took the leap of returning to what I'd studied at college, being a professional Dancer. 

I took my first contract and left the UK for 6 months to dance, and be paid for it!! It was incredible. More memories, experiences, life was good again. But in the quiet moments, I still felt the pain of him, of the termination, of my failure and my faults. I don't think I ever forgave myself for any of my actions and it hindered other relationships with people, I found it hard to get close and stay close to other people. I continued to be incredibly lonely. 

When I was 22, my third performance contract took me to Portugal to work for a touring company. I had been there for 3 months when something happened that I never dreamed could again. I fell in love. 

I met someone from the UK. For the purpose of this I'll call him "Lewis", who lived 398.2 miles away from me. He was working over there, having just gone through his own break up, and he was loving the freedom. I knew instantly he was special. Handsome, smart, funny, truthful, kind, caring. He allowed me to share and shared with me, the first night we talked for hours, about exes, family, friends. We laughed and talked for hours and hours a day. I told him everything and I couldn't believe my heart could love again. We spent incredible 6 weeks together, and we both knew it was pure, and it scared us. 

When my dance contract came to an end and the working season was winding down, we both knew we had to go home. 398.2 miles is really far away, did we really want a long distance relationship? All we knew was that we didn't want to be without each other. Saying goodbye to him forever terrified me. 

But, all this processing and healing I had done had left me with questions about my ex "Joe". Did he still care? Did he think about me and the termination and wonder? Did he have memories he liked to think of and smile? 

When I got home I realised I didn't want to lie, to anyone. Lewis and I had been arranging to meet in the middle of those 398.2 miles, but I told him I was going to lay my cards out infront of Joe, tell him I still cared for him and see what he said. Lewis was hurt, of course, but was a kind gentleman who let me go and seek answers. 

I did. Joe and I met (in public), had a drink, then walked and talked, exchanging stories and catching up. It felt nice after all the hurt and pain of the break up, to think that we might have turned a corner and could return to a good path. 

But, with all the emotional trauma and months of cheating and lies, the termination and everything else, I started to slip back off the rails and into that bad state, reliving the trauma that I'd spent so long recovering from. I realised that Lewis was the calm, not the storm, and he the right energy for me. I realised he was more than a spark, he had the potential to be a burning flame that could keep us both warm for the rest of our lives... I told Joe I'd been wrong to contact him, he said he knew, that it was different now, and as nice as it was to see each other it could never be real. I felt like I could breathe again. 

I called Lewis and explained, told him I'd made a mistake, that I loved him, that I knew that for sure now, sorry I doubted him or myself. We had no idea how but we both were willing and in love, so we battled the odds. He came to see me, I went to see him, for 3 months we travelled back and forth and fell deeper in love, resolidifying what we had in Portugal. 

We continued doing long distance, even longer distances as I went away to perform 2 more times. It wasn't easy but I did my best to reassure him, to make him feel loved and he was incredible every day we were apart. He had faith in me and was patient. He came to visit me, we had birthdays apart, we made it work every way we could. When I came home from that second contract away from him, I knew I wanted to be closer, had to be closer to him. I felt ready to settle down a little, have a home base with someone I love and start to build a future. I moved the 398.2 miles to be with him. I got a job here, tried my best to move my life here. 

I moved in with his grandparents and his dad, with the goal being for us to save enough money to get a place of our own. We've been living together for almost 8 months now and we are not perfect at all but my god, do we love each other so deeply... Trying to have an adult relationship within earshot of your partners grandparents and father however, is tough, if not near impossible.

Anyway, 2020 starts and all is well. Then coronavirus hits and we go into lockdown. Furlough, 9 weeks solid at home in each others pocket, things get tough... We bicker more, we get on each others nerves, it's clearly a resulting strain of lockdown but that's tough to see at the time. We start to consider my going home and consult my mum for advice. It's a tough but honest conversation, about how we're struggling and she listens, playing the part of our Jeremy Kyle. She advises me to come back home, we can have space and re-evaluate. 

Lewis and I then, thinking that our relationship was starting to let in water and sink, decided to go and buy a litre of rum and get truly rat arsed.

He drinks just over half of the bottle in an hour, vomits all over the bed. I try to clean him up and help but the arguing we'd done for weeks now was amplified by the drink and things got tough. We pushed each other and shouted and cried, feeling like it was all too much. I left him passed out on the bed in the sick to sleep it off. 

I once again, let out that same horrible character trait. When he didn't give me the attention I wanted...  

I polished off the rest of the rum myself and proceeded to message Joe. After nearly 17 months without speaking to him, I allowed myself to think about him, and even worse to reach out to him. Remember when I said it was as if the sun shone out his arse hole? Turns out it's hard to remove someone's claws from your heart when they are embedded in there deeply, especially tied alongside the pain of a termination. 

I don't know what I expected, because what was passed out in the next room was my whole entire world. But I gambled with it. I asked Joe where his head was and if he still thought of me. I risked all the hours of long distance and building trust and every single thing I had with Lewis on a drunken whim of wanting to know if Joe still cared for me. 

Turns out he doesn't. 

In his own words "I don't love you, I don't want you, I don't care about you anymore, I'm over it all and I'm done with you". 

Ouch. So I had my answer. The drunken stumble to ask Joe how he felt again had FINALLY allowed me to see him without those rose tinted glasses. He didn't love me, not truly like Lewis. Joe used me, took advantage of my love and naivety, spent all of my student loan and left me a broken shell. I was no saint to him either, I mean, I was the one who strayed first... But he used me time and time again until I had absolutely nothing left and I still idolised him... How messed up is that! What does that say about me...? 

Anyway. Now that I had my answers I felt like I could finally close that chapter in my life and let it go for good. I became a better girlfriend to Lewis because of it. But I didn't tell him about what I'd done, and that was my downfall. 

3 weeks later whilst using my laptop he found the messages Joe sent me, saying he doesn't care anymore. Lewis was devastated, and rightly so. I'd chased Joe once and hurt his feelings, but at least I'd been honest about it then. This time I hid it from him, this time I buried it and pretended it never happened. 

So, if you are still reading this HUGE story, you now know my present day situation. I'm still living 398.2 miles away from home with the man I love and his family, the man who now knows I chased Joe instead of him not once but twice, and hid it from him. 

I was wrong, I made a mistake blinded by such stupid feelings. Lockdown affecting my mental health, affecting our relationship, affecting my self esteem. 

I didn't physically cheat on Lewis, I love him with all my heart. But I did turn my back on him when we were both clearly struggling. 

And now I need to know, if you were Lewis, could you forgive me? Can we ever go back to the pure, steady, burning love we once had and restore something so precious? 

I want it more than anything, the chance to have that future with Lewis again, with a white fence and a little golden brown dog and 2 kids running around... Have I ruined all that? 

I know sharing this will never repay my sins, I'm a coward and I struggle so hard to be an honest person, it scares me alot, but I think this is a good place to start.

 

Thank you for listening. 

 I can relate. Fist bit of advice - They deserve better than the version of ourselves we are when we have the ability to be cruel like that. 

Just like my ex couldn’t look past it when I had a similar behaviour to yours, although mine was probably more shameful. Something I’m never going to be proud of nor ever completely forgive myself for doing. 

I also had a similar reaction to yours, when you realised the gravitas of the situation and how you actually felt. That “I just messed up something good” sort of feeling. 
here’s how it worked out for me and why you’re on the right path. Psychoanalysis of yourself is the key  

It took me almost 4 years until recently to think I was ready to commit to anyone else.  More than 3 of them mostly alone, were spent with my brain and my soul in pieces, hating myself,  to try and find out why I did what I did and why I would treat someone that way. The darkest time of my life. I hope it doesn’t take you as long! 

The good news is that you’re open to owning your mistakes. That’s the one thing that’s going to make you a better person from all of this. 
 

You’re doing the right thing by talking about it and writing it out here, because this is the most important part - by you going through all of these thought processes  , you’re getting to know yourself better than anyone normally ever gets a chance to.  It can really teach you so much. I can’t speak for everyone , but this is certainly how I feel now about it and how it’s effected me. 

That’s how you grow and change. After you finish slaughtering yourself about it (which will probably happen a lot) Stay on that path of striving to become a better person, questioning yourself, and I promise good things will come out of it. I can’t promise the pain,  guilt and the shame ever totally leaves you , but you learn to use that as a tool for becoming more aware of yourself 

It’s a humbling experience with a hard lesson 

Edited June 11, 2020 by Fox Sake
Dyslexic. Probably missed a bunch of simple words

[schlumpy]

On 6/11/2020 at 10:27 AM, MvbMusic said:

Let me know what you guys think of the song.

Thanks for the song. It did not grab me right away but I hear some potential in it. I will explore and add it to my "songs to learn list" which is already fairly crowded. It's amazing how much time and effort I spend in practice to produce a three minute performance.

[schlumpy]

On 6/8/2020 at 6:09 AM, a good place to start said:

So, if you are still reading this HUGE story, you now know my present day situation. I'm still living 398.2 miles away from home with the man I love and his family, the man who now knows I chased Joe instead of him not once but twice, and hid it from him. 

And now I need to know, if you were Lewis, could you forgive me? Can we ever go back to the pure, steady, burning love we once had and restore something so precious? 

I want it more than anything, the chance to have that future with Lewis again, with a white fence and a little golden brown dog and 2 kids running around... Have I ruined all that? 

I know sharing this will never repay my sins, I'm a coward and I struggle so hard to be an honest person, it scares me alot, but I think this is a good place to start.

 

Thank you for listening. 

It looks to me like Lewis is plan B while Joe was plan A and what you love about Joe will be available in the future with other guys you meet. Lewis will never have that quality that you find so attractive in Joe.

And please don't claim you didn't physically cheat on Lewis for you know in your heart if Joe had said "come to me" you would have gone. 

If you keep Lewis he has to be elevated to Plan A. You can determine if that is possible by what you are willing to sacrifice to keep him with you. I don't mean letting him read your email for a month. It has to be a substantial sacrifice on your part that he recognizes as such for you to have a chance to rebuild the trust.

One thing you might do is gather any memorabilia you have of your time with Joe. Any letters, hand written notes, pictures, and email messages must be gathered. Did Joe give you anything that you have an emotional attachment to? That would be jewelry, clothing, or an old concert ticket.

Do you get the idea? Anything that resurrects a memory that included Joe has to be gathered together.

Have Lewis present and burn what you can. Destroy the jewelry with a hammer. Erase anything that has to do with Joe from social media and block any numbers he can call you from. Everything has to be purged.

This is just a minimal sacrifice. You are going to have to come up with something bigger then this as well as be a constant, true companion and attentive lover.

That is your new start.

If you can't do any of this then let go of your dreams of children and the white picket fence with Lewis. Maybe he can find that with someone else. You owe him that.

As for you, there will only be hope in your heart that Joe may change his mind. 

[Ellener]

If you are going to be this tumultuous in your life accept yourself and be honest that's what you're going to do then stop 'trying to settle down' when it's not enough for you?

Are you still dancing?

You maybe need to get to know yourself, away from your lovers or your mum.

People will always forgive you I think because you are being sincere, but most people aren't going to let you slot in and out of their life like this unless it's what they want too.

On 6/11/2020 at 9:27 AM, MvbMusic said:

Let me know what you guys think of the song.

It's nice, very fitting.

[Minos]

If, as it looks like, Lewis is not in such a place in your deep wishes to make Joe (or / and any other one) be fiercly rejected, then make yourself and Lewis the favour of letting him go.

That would be a sign of respect for his dignity as a human and as a man. 

It would also put you in the path to find someone else that you may value enough to discard any other alternative with no second thoughts.

Best wishes.

 

Edited June 15, 2020 by Minos

[Mystery4u]

No, I would not forgive you.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 6/8/2020 at 3:09 AM, a good place to start said:

Sorry if this is too long, I've never used something like this so probably shared too much... But here goes. 

When I was 19 and living away from home for college I met someone who I fell in love with pretty instantly. For the purpose of this I'll call him "Joe". 

It was that all consuming first love, especially with being away from home, he was everything to me and he taught me so much. About myself, the world, sex, drugs... It felt like a real adult relationship (after 5 years of reflection I now know this was not a real adult relationship.) 

He was a recovering gambling addict and did have some red flags, but I was so naive just loving him through rose tinted glasses and thinking the sun shone out his arsehole. 

Like most first loves, it didn't last. I let out a horrible character trait. When he didn't give me attention I wanted, I strayed. Our relationship was probably a coin flip of success and I gambled, lost a pretty good thing because I was young, stupid, selfish and impulsive. 

The breakup didn't go well, especially because it went on for months. It became toxic, "anything you can do I can do better" and caused us both so much pain and hurt, cumulating in me falling pregnant and having a termination. 

I went off the rails. Pretty much went reclusive for a whole year, backing out of what I'd been at college studying for. I gave up on the job I had wanted to pursue since I was a little girl and completely sank into misery for a whole 14 months. My mum was there for me and, although she didn't know about the termination I think her motherly instincts told her that I was broken. She was a rock to me through that time.

Then, with her support, I took the leap of returning to what I'd studied at college, being a professional Dancer. 

I took my first contract and left the UK for 6 months to dance, and be paid for it!! It was incredible. More memories, experiences, life was good again. But in the quiet moments, I still felt the pain of him, of the termination, of my failure and my faults. I don't think I ever forgave myself for any of my actions and it hindered other relationships with people, I found it hard to get close and stay close to other people. I continued to be incredibly lonely. 

When I was 22, my third performance contract took me to Portugal to work for a touring company. I had been there for 3 months when something happened that I never dreamed could again. I fell in love. 

I met someone from the UK. For the purpose of this I'll call him "Lewis", who lived 398.2 miles away from me. He was working over there, having just gone through his own break up, and he was loving the freedom. I knew instantly he was special. Handsome, smart, funny, truthful, kind, caring. He allowed me to share and shared with me, the first night we talked for hours, about exes, family, friends. We laughed and talked for hours and hours a day. I told him everything and I couldn't believe my heart could love again. We spent incredible 6 weeks together, and we both knew it was pure, and it scared us. 

When my dance contract came to an end and the working season was winding down, we both knew we had to go home. 398.2 miles is really far away, did we really want a long distance relationship? All we knew was that we didn't want to be without each other. Saying goodbye to him forever terrified me. 

But, all this processing and healing I had done had left me with questions about my ex "Joe". Did he still care? Did he think about me and the termination and wonder? Did he have memories he liked to think of and smile? 

When I got home I realised I didn't want to lie, to anyone. Lewis and I had been arranging to meet in the middle of those 398.2 miles, but I told him I was going to lay my cards out infront of Joe, tell him I still cared for him and see what he said. Lewis was hurt, of course, but was a kind gentleman who let me go and seek answers. 

I did. Joe and I met (in public), had a drink, then walked and talked, exchanging stories and catching up. It felt nice after all the hurt and pain of the break up, to think that we might have turned a corner and could return to a good path. 

But, with all the emotional trauma and months of cheating and lies, the termination and everything else, I started to slip back off the rails and into that bad state, reliving the trauma that I'd spent so long recovering from. I realised that Lewis was the calm, not the storm, and he the right energy for me. I realised he was more than a spark, he had the potential to be a burning flame that could keep us both warm for the rest of our lives... I told Joe I'd been wrong to contact him, he said he knew, that it was different now, and as nice as it was to see each other it could never be real. I felt like I could breathe again. 

I called Lewis and explained, told him I'd made a mistake, that I loved him, that I knew that for sure now, sorry I doubted him or myself. We had no idea how but we both were willing and in love, so we battled the odds. He came to see me, I went to see him, for 3 months we travelled back and forth and fell deeper in love, resolidifying what we had in Portugal. 

We continued doing long distance, even longer distances as I went away to perform 2 more times. It wasn't easy but I did my best to reassure him, to make him feel loved and he was incredible every day we were apart. He had faith in me and was patient. He came to visit me, we had birthdays apart, we made it work every way we could. When I came home from that second contract away from him, I knew I wanted to be closer, had to be closer to him. I felt ready to settle down a little, have a home base with someone I love and start to build a future. I moved the 398.2 miles to be with him. I got a job here, tried my best to move my life here. 

I moved in with his grandparents and his dad, with the goal being for us to save enough money to get a place of our own. We've been living together for almost 8 months now and we are not perfect at all but my god, do we love each other so deeply... Trying to have an adult relationship within earshot of your partners grandparents and father however, is tough, if not near impossible.

Anyway, 2020 starts and all is well. Then coronavirus hits and we go into lockdown. Furlough, 9 weeks solid at home in each others pocket, things get tough... We bicker more, we get on each others nerves, it's clearly a resulting strain of lockdown but that's tough to see at the time. We start to consider my going home and consult my mum for advice. It's a tough but honest conversation, about how we're struggling and she listens, playing the part of our Jeremy Kyle. She advises me to come back home, we can have space and re-evaluate. 

Lewis and I then, thinking that our relationship was starting to let in water and sink, decided to go and buy a litre of rum and get truly rat arsed.

He drinks just over half of the bottle in an hour, vomits all over the bed. I try to clean him up and help but the arguing we'd done for weeks now was amplified by the drink and things got tough. We pushed each other and shouted and cried, feeling like it was all too much. I left him passed out on the bed in the sick to sleep it off. 

I once again, let out that same horrible character trait. When he didn't give me the attention I wanted...  

I polished off the rest of the rum myself and proceeded to message Joe. After nearly 17 months without speaking to him, I allowed myself to think about him, and even worse to reach out to him. Remember when I said it was as if the sun shone out his arse hole? Turns out it's hard to remove someone's claws from your heart when they are embedded in there deeply, especially tied alongside the pain of a termination. 

I don't know what I expected, because what was passed out in the next room was my whole entire world. But I gambled with it. I asked Joe where his head was and if he still thought of me. I risked all the hours of long distance and building trust and every single thing I had with Lewis on a drunken whim of wanting to know if Joe still cared for me. 

Turns out he doesn't. 

In his own words "I don't love you, I don't want you, I don't care about you anymore, I'm over it all and I'm done with you". 

Ouch. So I had my answer. The drunken stumble to ask Joe how he felt again had FINALLY allowed me to see him without those rose tinted glasses. He didn't love me, not truly like Lewis. Joe used me, took advantage of my love and naivety, spent all of my student loan and left me a broken shell. I was no saint to him either, I mean, I was the one who strayed first... But he used me time and time again until I had absolutely nothing left and I still idolised him... How messed up is that! What does that say about me...? 

Anyway. Now that I had my answers I felt like I could finally close that chapter in my life and let it go for good. I became a better girlfriend to Lewis because of it. But I didn't tell him about what I'd done, and that was my downfall. 

3 weeks later whilst using my laptop he found the messages Joe sent me, saying he doesn't care anymore. Lewis was devastated, and rightly so. I'd chased Joe once and hurt his feelings, but at least I'd been honest about it then. This time I hid it from him, this time I buried it and pretended it never happened. 

So, if you are still reading this HUGE story, you now know my present day situation. I'm still living 398.2 miles away from home with the man I love and his family, the man who now knows I chased Joe instead of him not once but twice, and hid it from him. 

I was wrong, I made a mistake blinded by such stupid feelings. Lockdown affecting my mental health, affecting our relationship, affecting my self esteem. 

I didn't physically cheat on Lewis, I love him with all my heart. But I did turn my back on him when we were both clearly struggling. 

And now I need to know, if you were Lewis, could you forgive me? Can we ever go back to the pure, steady, burning love we once had and restore something so precious? 

I want it more than anything, the chance to have that future with Lewis again, with a white fence and a little golden brown dog and 2 kids running around... Have I ruined all that? 

I know sharing this will never repay my sins, I'm a coward and I struggle so hard to be an honest person, it scares me alot, but I think this is a good place to start.

 

Thank you for listening. 

 

Every vibe I get from this story is that of someone who merely wants to invest her heart and soul in ONE direction...  AND have that direction thrive for her.

It doesn't seem to matter too much whether it is Joe, or Lewis   ("Joe Lewis" was a boxer, by the way)...

 

Covid has really done a number on your life with Lewis... and some of the experiences you mention are no doubt caused by close confinement.

 

You're a lot nearer to romantic success than you think...   and you are very adept at dealing with the flaws of real people  while recognizing your own flaws as well.

 

When with Lewis, and when you told Lewis that you would lay your cards out in front of Joe...  it was your having emotionally invested yourself  that remained the "value" you sensed in Joe.  I don't think it was Joe, the individual  quite as much.

You are giving vibes of responding favorably to your own seeming 'success' at investing yourself in a lover...   but when things get rough, you start to have doubts, and that is when you're vulnerable to stray thoughts of past investments.  (perhaps at the core you just want to be "giving your all"  in those moments, and the person you are with at the time, won't so easily accept your efforts).

I say blame your main present concerns on Covid... and then find ways to double your emotional investments in Lewis...   and in time you will forget all about Joe.

 

Because what is driving you is far more unique to your inner self, than it is to either Lewis or Joe.

 

 

[Muted_Pink]

So I read through your entire post. Im going to be blunt- You sound incredibly exhausting. Good lord.

 

I can't believe you think that you can go back & forth into another persons life and play games with their head. You really should be alone for awhile and grow up.

[lana-banana]

On 6/8/2020 at 6:09 AM, a good place to start said:

Can we ever go back to the pure, steady, burning love we once had and restore something so precious? 

The "pure" and "precious" love of yelling at each other and falling asleep in vomit? The "pure" and "precious" love of seeking out another man as soon as you feel you aren't getting enough attention?

There is a lot going on here, and other posters are right that you have no business being in a relationship with Lewis and you shouldn't expect him to forgive you, but can we talk a little about your drinking? You mention he bought a liter of rum and drank half (that's almost seventeen ounces, which is seventeen drinks), and you drank the rest. Assuming you're a 130-lb woman you would have had a BAL of around 0.7% - you would be drunk for at least the next day. You might even be dead. Similarly, letting your partner pass out in his own vomit when he could very easily have choked and died is beyond the pale---you would have been charged with negligence had he died. As far as I'm concerned, this kind of insane recklessness with drinking/alcoholism is indicative of your total lack of judgment. You cannot have any kind of healthy relationship if you're doing things like this as an adult. Get your head on straight, can the drama, and stop expecting the world to validate you at every turn.

Edited July 30, 2020 by lana-banana

[major_merrick]

No, I probably wouldn't forgive you. 

BUT, some people will take a chance on a person who's hurt them in the past.  My husband did.  Our first relationship years ago was pretty violent, and the ending of it was my fault.  I've been in and out of his life over the years, but he never totally let me go and we stayed in touch even when we lived a long ways apart.  Even when I was in love with somebody else.  Even when he married somebody else.

I'm older and settled now, and not quite as much of a destructive force.  Had to get into my 30's to get to that point in life.  My husband forgave me, brought me into his family.  We've been married almost 3 years and we have four kids.  Sometimes the impossible happens.