Breaking up with someone with a mental illness

[fleur12345]

Hello!

I was in a relationship for a year with someone who I believe suffers from depression. I am not an expert, but through his actions and stories about his life, I became more and more convinced that he should see a doctor and talk to someone who is a professional. After many conversations he agreed to see a doctor.  At this time, he was actually fine. He attended an evening course at an educational institution, did a lot of sports and was looking for a job, but still it would have been good for him to talk about his problem.  I accompanied him and was in the waiting room, while he talked to the doctor, but it seemd that he did not want to open himself to the doctor.

So the matter was off the table for him. Since he told the doctor that he was fine, the doctor apparently did not go into it any further. I didn't want to put any pressure on him further and for a while I didn't say much on this. He seemd fine and he was really nice to me, he told me sweet stuff and we went on vacation where he opened up and told me, that he doesn't have that many people in life who try to understand him and support him.  But then it began. When he found out that his ex-girlfriend cheated on him, ee constantly told me that I had cheated on him too, that the whole world was against him and once he even showed up in the middle of the night (we live 2 hours apart) to check my mobile phone, because he wanted to see my messages etc.. He was so insecure that once he even recorded a conversation between us (I didn't know that he was recording) to see if I contradicted myself about anything and if I was lying.

I had the feeling that he did not trust all my words, no matter what they were about. I even had evidence that I wasn't cheating on him or lying to him.  I tried everything I could and everything I could think of to help him, I tried to convince him that we should go to a professional together, but he ignored that.. then I started to feel really bad. I began to neglect my work, my family and friends and isolated myself for a few weeks. At the same time all the corona regulations in our country started. So we were actually all just at home. He lives with his brother and his parents live next door. So even during this Corona time he was not really alone. As I felt really bad  at the same time, as I said I isolated myself.. so my boyfriend and I didn't talked or texted  as often and we didn't visit each other much either (although in our country it was allowed to visit your partner, but it was a new situation to all of us).  So my isolation only made him more insecure and although I explained my situation to him, he insisted that I lie to him.

He would always say: "I am not saying that you are lying, but what have I done to deserve this," in the next moment he would say "You destroyed my life" etc. Insulting words were often said to me, and although I knew that this illness was stronger than he was at that moment, words that were not very nice also came out of my mouth. To give him security, I decided, at his request, to share my location 24/7 with him. But when he said in a moment that I was somewhere else than I claimed to be, although this was obviously not the case (because he had my location), I decided that I could not go on like this.

These are only some incidents that have happened during a year of relationship with him.

After I talked to my mother, she said that I cannot help it if he does not want to be helped and if he does not want to admit that there is a problem.

Yesterday I broke up with him in person, I couldn't take it anymore. On one hand it was liberating. On the other hand I feel anger (although I know that it's not totally his fault), worry and sadness. I wonder how he is doing and how he will cope with the whole situation. I have contacted his brothers and his mother and asked them to be there for him. But I don't know how much support he will get from them, because I never really noticed that there was any support from them. His mother asked me to give him another chance and said he needs me.
I feel terrible about this right now and would like to know if anyone has been in a similar situation. Or it would just be nice, if you could give me your thoughts on this situation.

 

Thank you!!

 

 

[preraph]

You did the right thing by getting away from that. unfortunately the very fact the person has mental illness will often make them resist treatment. Of the ones who go get psychiatric treatment once left on their own to take any meds they were prescribed, over 80% of them will either stop taking them or not take them as prescribed. I disproportionate amount of mentally ill people don't believe in taking meds or trust doctors. 

 

You can't help people who won't help themselves. Your boyfriend sounds like he has paranoia. That would be just impossible to live with. depression and paranoia and no telling what his actual diagnosis would be if he bothered to go get one. He is going to continue to resist treatment and just fritter his life away. 

 

Glad you made the decision not to go along with that. 

[fleur12345]

32 minutes ago, preraph said:

You did the right thing by getting away from that. unfortunately the very fact the person has mental illness will often make them resist treatment. Of the ones who go get psychiatric treatment once left on their own to take any meds they were prescribed, over 80% of them will either stop taking them or not take them as prescribed. I disproportionate amount of mentally ill people don't believe in taking meds or trust doctors. 

 

You can't help people who won't help themselves. Your boyfriend sounds like he has paranoia. That would be just impossible to live with. depression and paranoia and no telling what his actual diagnosis would be if he bothered to go get one. He is going to continue to resist treatment and just fritter his life away. 

 

Glad you made the decision not to go along with that. 

I didn't know about this fact.. the number is really high! I also think that from the actual insight that you need help until you finally get an appointment with a doctor and then again a diagnosis, medication etc. a lot of time passes. So the person just gives up again.

As I said, I'm not sure what kind of mental illness it is either. But yes, paranoia is also a very possible explanation.
In any case,  professionals have to be consulted and a diagnosis has to be made in this case.
And you're right I can't help people who won't help themselves.

Thank you very much for your words!

[ExpatInItaly]

I think this guy suffers from more than depression. The paranoia and extremely controlling behaviour (showing up in the middle of the night to check your phone, recording your conversations, and the like) are disturbing and suggest there’s more going on with him mentally. It’s not good, and as you recognize, you can’t help him. 

I’m sure his mom wants to see him in a relationship with a good woman (i.e. you) but what she probably doesn’t see - or doesn’t want to see - is that he behaves in emotionally abusive ways towards you and made it too toxic to continue. He doesn’t need a girlfriend; he needs a professional evaluation. And since he won’t do that, you need to look out for your own best interests now. You are very wise to walk away. 

And yes, I dated someone similar for a little while. It never got better and I’ve never regretted finally ending it completely. 

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, fleur12345 said:

His mother asked me to give him another chance and said he needs me.

No. Do not do this.

He doesn't need you.  He needs a psychiatrist and she knows that, but is trying to pass that buck onto you to handle when she needed to have handled this years ago.

You say he's paranoid--does he smoke weed?

Edited June 8, 2020 by kendahke

[fleur12345]

Thank you for your messages and thoughts on this!  I can see that I actually did the right thing for me.

It will probably take me a while to get over it, but it was the right step in the right direction.

To your question @kendahke: No, as far as I know, he hasn't smoked weed in the last few years.
But there were often situations where he got drunk or wanted to get drunk because he thought it would make him feel better. Sometimes I was able to prevent it, but sometimes not. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against alcohol, but he always used to drink when he was feeling bad and that is of course another thing. Besides, his brother once told me that he was concerned that my bf had taken other drugs and when I asked my bf about it several times, he denied it. And I did not notice anything myself. There were just so many things going on at the same time that I didn't pay attention to this.