Old bf losing his foot

[preraph]

I just found out yesterday.  This is the old "sort of" bf who had ED way back in the late 70s.  He almost drove me insane.  I was in love and didn't understand why he would never go away but also never have sex and make excuses for why he wasn't being my real boyfriend.  It was torture, to be honest.  10 Years later, once he was married, he told me about his childhood molestation and ED . He is an alcoholic and his wife left him.  Then he was in AA for awhile, and that's when I saw him again.

 

Anyway, he's been in Los Angeles this whole time, since 1980 or thereabouts.  He came to see me about 20 years ago now, or close to it, early 2000s and stayed a few days.  I was re-enamored with a different old flame at the time I'd recently seen.  Nothing happened.  When I'm crushing on one, I'm laser focused on them.  Probably to my detriment.  

 

Then he came to town (he has a brother here)  again with his tween boy and he was drinking again.  I commented on it because that's how he messed up his whole life before and that made him mad.  Also on that visit he was hinting of us getting back together which would have involved living together, but I told him no.  

 

A few months ago, he was about to be homeless so his friend who I know and who is mutual friends also with my best girlfriend, got in touch with his brother and got him into rehab or a halfway house or something.  Not sure what has gone on since then.  

 

But then yesterday the buddy called my best friend and told her  my old "sort of" bf was in the hospital about to get his foot amputated today.  She actually talked to him in the hospital last night.  His buddy was saying he felt he was all alone trying to deal with it.  Hinting, I think.  And the old bf asked my girlfriend to get my mac and cheese recipe for him.  So that was, believe it or not, him reaching out for help.  You know, he did lean on me in the old days.  I didn't have any extra money, but he did lean on me to an extent.  

He has a son who would be around 30 by now, and IMO, between his son and his brother, if he's able, that's who needs to be taking care of him.  And he's still out in LA.  HIs brother is here though.  The son is out there.  The son, however, my old bf never made the son do anything and just let him play video games in his room and told me that over and over and was happy about it that he wasn't any trouble because always in his room.  So I don't even know if the guy is working.  I certainly hope so.  

 

Anyway, feeling guilt and different things.  But no, there's no way I can let the old BF come stay with me or anything.  He never shuts up and I work at home.  And I am not up to taking care of anyone, lifting at all or anything like that.  I feel bad because i know his buddy feels he's up against the wall.  But I mean, I just think he's got to lean on his son now.  He's grown.  Last I heard, he was living with his dad still until the dad got to bad into alcohol that he must have lost his longterm job or maybe something else happened like the boss retired (he worked for a one-attorney office).  Anyway, he was apparently homeless and the son had been still living with him until that happened and I assume went to his mom's.  

 

I don't know.   I just feel bad.   My girlfriend is married with kids, so I don't think she'd ask him to come stay on a visit because her husband probably wouldn't like it, but she is likely to encourage him to come visit sometime and then I'd be on the spot.  Worried.  I don't honestly think he's got enough sobriety OR oomph in him to handle this situation.   

Edited June 8, 2020 by preraph

[FMW]

That's really sad, preraph, and I'm sure really unsettling for you.  

You're right about not being able to be the one to step in and help him, but I know how that guilt that you're talking about feels.

[alphamale]

stay away from "old flames" preraph, nothing good comes from it

[preraph]

I know.  I just hope his son will step up, but if he doesn't even have a job and is living with his mom or something....

I'll be just as alone as he is with no siblings or kids when I get incapacitated.  But I am just not up to taking care of someone and he is really hard to have around because he chatters all the time.  I loved that when I was young, but it worked other people's nerves and it worked mine when he was here 20 years ago too.  You would get up to leave the room and he would just keep it, not take a hint, you know . And him being an alcoholic, I just don't see any hope of him not become an even worse alcoholic to get through this reality, and probably a pain med addict too.  I just don't see how anyone could take care of him but family.  I'm sure he has no money.  He had a job for decades, but if he lost it and was about homeless, he must not have any anymore.  If so, he should get in a care facility.  It's just hard to deal with.  

[snowcones]

Okay, I'll be hardcore for you. You need to take care of and worry about yourself.  Your name is not Jesus Christ (Or Mary).  Worrying about yourself is already enough. This man, I'm sure he is nice, but he lived his life how he wanted to, he had fun without a care in the world, and now,  he is dealing with those consequences. Those consequences do not need to become your consequences.  It's his life and he lived it how he wanted.  You live your life how you want.  You can be his friend and go visit him sometime.  Leave it at that.

Edited June 9, 2020 by snowcones

[preraph]

Thank you. I mean he's been mad at me for 20 years because I dared to say something about his drinking after he told me he'd never drink around his kid. Close to twenty years. I don't even remember what year. Seems like forever ago. 

[snowcones]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

Thank you. I mean he's been mad at me for 20 years because I dared to say something about his drinking after he told me he'd never drink around his kid. Close to twenty years. I don't even remember what year. Seems like forever ago. 

See why men should listen to women.  😂

[nospam99]

te absolvo

[d0nnivain]

What a sad story.  However, it's not your responsibility.  You didn't cause this  You can't fix it.  You know all this but you also have a generous heart & you're a fixer.  

At most I'd send a get well card to him in care of the local brother, with your mac & cheese recipe.  If you can afford it, include a few bucks to cover the cost of ingredients but beyond that what can you do?  You know you can't let him live with you & be his care giver.  If you know of any agency / resources where he is include phone #s or websites but there isn't anything concrete for you to do. I suppose if he relocates to live with the brother & Covid ends you can drop off some mac & cheese.   Pray if you are so inclined.  

[schlumpy]

On 6/8/2020 at 6:34 PM, preraph said:

I just found out yesterday.  This is the old "sort of" bf who had ED way back in the late 70s.  He almost drove me insane.  I was in love and didn't understand why he would never go away but also never have sex and make excuses for why he wasn't being my real boyfriend.  It was torture, to be honest.  10 Years later, once he was married, he told me about his childhood molestation and ED . He is an alcoholic and his wife left him.  Then he was in AA for awhile, and that's when I saw him again.

 

Anyway, he's been in Los Angeles this whole time, since 1980 or thereabouts.  He came to see me about 20 years ago now, or close to it, early 2000s and stayed a few days.  I was re-enamored with a different old flame at the time I'd recently seen.  Nothing happened.  When I'm crushing on one, I'm laser focused on them.  Probably to my detriment.  

 

Then he came to town (he has a brother here)  again with his tween boy and he was drinking again.  I commented on it because that's how he messed up his whole life before and that made him mad.  Also on that visit he was hinting of us getting back together which would have involved living together, but I told him no.  

 

A few months ago, he was about to be homeless so his friend who I know and who is mutual friends also with my best girlfriend, got in touch with his brother and got him into rehab or a halfway house or something.  Not sure what has gone on since then.  

 

But then yesterday the buddy called my best friend and told her  my old "sort of" bf was in the hospital about to get his foot amputated today.  She actually talked to him in the hospital last night.  His buddy was saying he felt he was all alone trying to deal with it.  Hinting, I think.  And the old bf asked my girlfriend to get my mac and cheese recipe for him.  So that was, believe it or not, him reaching out for help.  You know, he did lean on me in the old days.  I didn't have any extra money, but he did lean on me to an extent.  

He has a son who would be around 30 by now, and IMO, between his son and his brother, if he's able, that's who needs to be taking care of him.  And he's still out in LA.  HIs brother is here though.  The son is out there.  The son, however, my old bf never made the son do anything and just let him play video games in his room and told me that over and over and was happy about it that he wasn't any trouble because always in his room.  So I don't even know if the guy is working.  I certainly hope so.  

 

Anyway, feeling guilt and different things.  But no, there's no way I can let the old BF come stay with me or anything.  He never shuts up and I work at home.  And I am not up to taking care of anyone, lifting at all or anything like that.  I feel bad because i know his buddy feels he's up against the wall.  But I mean, I just think he's got to lean on his son now.  He's grown.  Last I heard, he was living with his dad still until the dad got to bad into alcohol that he must have lost his longterm job or maybe something else happened like the boss retired (he worked for a one-attorney office).  Anyway, he was apparently homeless and the son had been still living with him until that happened and I assume went to his mom's.  

 

I don't know.   I just feel bad.   My girlfriend is married with kids, so I don't think she'd ask him to come stay on a visit because her husband probably wouldn't like it, but she is likely to encourage him to come visit sometime and then I'd be on the spot.  Worried.  I don't honestly think he's got enough sobriety OR oomph in him to handle this situation.   

Unless you have a debt you feel you owe him along the line of - he jumped clutching your unconscious body from your burning homes second story window and broke both legs in the process - then I would suffer the guilt and watch some more Gunsmoke.