My ex is the worst person I've ever known

[Fresh_Start]

Hi everyone.  Right now I feel a bit like an author who just sat down to write an epic 1000+ page novel only to be told by a publisher that I only have 2-3 pages to tell my story so I'll do the best I can to relay as many pertinent details as possible without making it a tedious read.  I can't make any guarantees about the latter so let me just say in advance that I appreciate those of you who take the time to read all of it.

I met my ex in May of 2018 in what started out as a LDR.  We had great chemistry, a lot in common -- to an uncanny degree, and appreciated one another's personalities.  There were a few early bumps in the road, however.  The first one came as a result of having almost too much in common.  It made her paranoid and think that I had somehow accessed her private information, suspecting that I might be some kind of cyber stalker.  I texted her later that night stating that I was just going to move on and she said "No you're not" followed by some kind of apology or other pacifying remark.  It eventually turned into a joke between us, but it left me feeling like I'd been unfairly judged for no reason.  At that time, I was also in the process of finalizing a disability claim with the Social Security Administration, which I'd been pursuing for about 5 years and that lead to me having to close my company and even live with my mother.  It was not a comfortable situation for me to be in, which is why I even resorted to a LDR in the first place.  It was uncomfortable enough having to share that info with my ex, especially in the wake of having already been unfairly judged, and when she asked me how long I'd been living there I told her a white lie giving the month, but not the year.  She later cyber stalked me on the internet trying to dig up my personal information, posts on a message board, etc and found out that I'd been living there for years.  I didn't learn this until months after we'd broken up.

For me, after we got past the initial freak out from having so much in common and her paranoid assumption, the relationship really blossomed.  We talked every night for hours, had "phone dates", and fell deeply in love.  I even wrote her poems that I used to read her to sleep with.  Things continued in this way for months as we fell more and more deeply in love, even talking about spending the rest of our lives together on many occasions.  When I flew out to meet her for the first time, I was in for a bit of a shock and a letdown.  She was significantly heavier than in any of the pictures she'd sent me.  Not only was I disappointed, but I felt deceived.  However, I'd flown all the way across the country to meet her and with the additional money I'd pulled out for the trip with my disability claim still pending, I barely had any money left to my name so I decided to make the most of the trip.  I made a conscious decision to overlook the weight and focus on the person that I'd had the opportunity to get to know.  It ended up being a very enjoyable trip, which included experiences I'd never had before such as the Cirque du Soleil.  Still, there was a level of attraction that just wasn't there for me, which also had an affect on the spark we'd had up to that point as well as sexual chemistry.  When I flew back home, I really grappled with my feelings towards her and even thought about ending the relationship.  I really wish I would have (now), but at the time, I knew it would break her heart and I already felt badly enough for her that an otherwise wonderful and formerly very attractive woman had let herself go like that.  I also knew enough of her history to understand how it had happened.  The spark for me had changed, but not permanently, and eventually I decided to keep loving her for who she was.  I was not perfect myself, I was in an uncomfortable living situation, and told myself that looks can change, but it's what's on the inside that really matters.

I continued with the relationship against my better judgment, was finally awarded disability, including backpay for all of the years that I'd been pursuing it, and made plans to move to where she lived.  I got a tiny little apartment for myself (it's expensive here, but I love this part of the country) and a part-time job.  The disability, for me, is just a safety net in case my condition deteriorates or leads to me not being able to work for an extended period of time so that I won't ever have to be a financial burden on someone.  I'm not one who sits around collecting a check doing nothing.  I work in spite of my disability and have since even made a huge vertical move in my field (working with individuals with intellectual disabilities and autism) that has doubled my income.  

My relationship with P (I'll refer to her by her first initial only where needed) blossomed.  I had not only fallen back in love with her based on who (I thought) she was, but had even developed a different kind of "spark" that transcended physical attraction.  I loved her and I loved our relationship.  We still had the same great chemistry and all of the other stuff that is necessary for an otherwise healthy relationship.  However, for some odd reason that I still don't understand to this day, she refused to get me involved with her kids.  This hurt me, deeply, because I'm great with kids and am a big kid at heart myself, which is part of the reason I'm in the field I'm in.  No other single mother I'd ever dated did this to me and with many of those others they got their kids involved with me pretty early on, right or wrong, based on my desire to meet them and be involved with them as an important part of their mother's world.  It wasn't until after we'd been in a seriously committed relationship with talk of spending the rest of our lives together and everything else for 7 months before I finally got to spend any meaningful time with her kids -- and on the same day that a complete stranger, her friend's boyfriend, whom she'd only met once also got to spend time with them.  It was hurtful and I let her know this.

Aside from that, the relationship was mostly good and she even referred to me as "the hands down best boyfriend or partner she'd ever had".  We did have a few fights, all of them late at night after we'd been drinking and I made the poor decision to take my pills (for my condition) with the alcohol in my system.  The fights were always stupid and about the same thing: her cat who hated me.  This cat lost its spot in her bed when I stayed there and from that point on marked me as its mortal enemy.  If I so much as walked in its direction, it would hiss and sometimes piss and/or drop a couple of turds on the floor or carpet.  My ex would get pissed at me about it as though I was purposely tormenting her cat and with the combination of the alcohol and pills I really let her have it.  I didn't have much recollection of these incidents the next morning, but she said that I was very angry and was yelling at her.  I felt terrible about it because we never fought outside of that.  Aside from those few occasions late at night right before bedtime when we'd been drinking and I'd just popped my pills, there was never any arguing or yelling between us.

We went on to spend Christmas together, New Year's, I continued to be introduced to her friends and other family members, and after a night of seeing how great I was with her sister's kids she told me, "I really, really love you".  About a week later she broke up with me.  In an email.  Not even a conversation.  An email.  She told me that she wasn't in love with me.  I was very hurt, especially after giving her a chance that she really didn't deserve, and also felt...discarded...because of the email breakup rather than a decent, mature, adult conversation.  She's currently a 47 year old woman.  The breakup was amicable and I went through the grieving process.

I'll try to speed things up from here...

We ended up getting back together a couple of months later, she told me that she still loved me and still saw us growing old together, and then after shielding me from being around her kids all over again, she broke up with me.  In an email.  Again.  This time I was pissed.  I was also beyond hurt.  To be broken up with by the same woman, twice, in an email, out of the blue, shortly after contradictory statements ("I really, really love you" -> "I'm not in love with you"; "I still love you and see us growing old together" -> "We should go NC") was crazy making.  This time the breakup wasn't amicable and I spiraled into a deep, dark depression with a lot of drinking.  One night, I finally let her have it about her weight after vowing to take that with me to the grave.  Even at the time of our first breakup, I made no mention of it, opting to just tough it out and take the high road without hurting her feelings.  The next morning after insulting her appearance, I felt awful.  I spent the next 5 months or so trying to apologize and make it up to her.  I don't know if she ever fully forgave me, but eventually we "reconciled" -- not as a couple, but as friends.  We went out, I had the opportunity to apologize to her in person, which meant the world to me, and we both had a good time.  It was purely platonic.  Then, she once again started using her kids as an excuse for never having me come over for anything -- even simple stuff like stopping by on my way home from work to say hi to her and her dogs (not the evil cat).  She then also all of a sudden told me that she never trusted me, felt I was a dishonest person who constantly lied, thought I only moved here to take advantage of her (she said this after breakup #2 as well), and got on this kick of all of a sudden assigning ulterior motives to everything I did and using "manipulative sales tactics" on her.  My friends were already pissed that she had broken up with me in an email, twice, and often asked me questions like, "Does she think you're a pedophile or something?" (when it came to always shielding her kids from me) and "Does she think you're some kind of con-man?"  I truly don't know and still don't.  Her accusations were way out of left field, I'd never done anything to even remotely suggest any of those things, and her allegation that she'd "never trusted me" revolved around the white lie I mentioned all the way at the beginning of this as well as some things that she'd learned about me and what I was saying on a message board that she'd cyber stalked me onto where I'd apparently made some "exaggerations" about our relationship.  

This didn't really fly with me because if she'd had these trust issues since the very beginning, she should have never planned a future with me, invited me out for a vacation, invited me out to live with her, given me her debit card and pin number to go buy things for her at the store (which was also the code to her garage), introduced me to all her friends and family, and had me living at her house for about 50% of every month when her kids were at their father's house.  It made no sense that she didn't mention any of this sooner.  It also conveniently came after she did something crappy and selfish, each time. To me, she invented this entire fictitious narrative to absolve herself of guilt and make me out to be something that I am not.  My industry is very heavily regulated and requires LOTS of clearances, just like teachers -- FBI finger print, Child Line, state and federal criminal clearances.  It also once again came in the wake of confusing, conflicting, and contradictory crazy making mixed messages.  She had only recently told me, "I consider you to be one of my real authentic friends.  I'm really grateful that we share the same values" in a text only to completely assassinate my character and accuse me of everything mentioned above in the wake of me asking her if I could do my laundry at her house because I didn't feel comfortable using the public laundromat in the ghetto where I live in the middle of the COVID-19 lockdown.  For some reason, and only in her head, I lied about the stores being out of gloves/latex gloves, I lied about the laundromat having been closed back at the beginning of the lockdown when it was actually closed, and was using "manipulative sales tactics" on her because I asked for a couple of simple favors.  And...it was in yet another email.  I had actually terminated the friendship with her after finally having enough of her crap, she lobbed her paranoid delusional email in my direction accusing me of things I never did and lies I never told, and then once again refused to have a mature, adult conversation about it when I texted her after receiving the aforementioned email stating that I don't want to do all of this in emails again.  I was so blown away by her accusations that I even went to a couple of different stores just to record the shelves that were empty of gloves, including Walmart and my interaction with the Walmart associate who showed me on his handheld inventory device that even their suppliers were out of gloves.  I recorded all of this and sent it to her as proof that I wasn't lying about the stores being out of gloves.  Who lies about silly crap like that?  What purpose would it possibly serve?  Same thing with the alleged lie about the laundromat being closed.  I took a screen shot of the conversation where I told her I'd had to buy a new phone because I ruined my old one trying to wash my clothes in my shower since the laundromat was closed -- and assuming, based on the Governor's order about all non-life sustaining businesses having to close, that they wouldn't be reopening any time soon.  Still a lie, in her mind, which would mean I washed my clothes in my shower and ruined my phone for no reason -- or lied about that too for all I know, based on her irrational thought processes and accusations. 

With the history of email breakups and refusal to have a mature adult conversation about these things, I got sucked into trying to refute and dispute her silly allegations, and eventually it just turned into a huge argument with me finally blowing up at her after 4 days of nonsense when she said that my proof, which included the videos I referenced above, wasn't proof of anything while continuing to insist that I was being dishonest about the damn gloves and the laundromat.  I gave this woman my heart and soul as her boyfriend and loved her as much as I'd ever loved another person, in spite of her appearance and even her deception about her appearance, and every single time I ever did any wrongs by her (insulting her weight after the second email breakup) etc., I always took accountability for my actions and apologized.  Yet it's ok for her to do all of the things she did -- she never apologizes, never admits to any wrongdoing, and when she does do something wrong she just puts a sick twist on it to make it my fault based on delusional accusations of things I've never said or done.  I have had it and I had to come here to vent because I live in a part of the country that is still mostly on lockdown with my industry still having to work from our residences and most businesses only just starting to reopen as of this past Friday.

Thank you for your time and I apologize for the length.  I knew it was going to be long, but I think even this was longer than I'd anticipated.  

 

[gamon]

Was there a question?

[mark clemson]

Her behavior doesn't sound normal, all though some people will string you along while they're making up their mind. My guess is she may have borderline tendencies or some sort of learned or possibly unconscious "need" to sabotage her relationships. Also based on what you say, she apparently gaslights as well. Some people can get you all wrapped around their mindf*cks without anything useful coming out of it.

At any rate, my thought is you should stop engaging with her at all and get on with the business of moving on. Tell her you're not feeling, you're done, goodbye, and then ignore and/or block any further attempts at communication by her. This lets you move on effectively. Don't engage or let yourself get sucked back in. For something like you describe, my personal opinion is that's the best (and possibly the only) way. GL.

[Fresh_Start]

38 minutes ago, gamon said:

Was there a question?

Not really.  I was looking for any general feedback, advice, or comments.  There's a lot of material up there so trying to pin down just one question isn't as easy it might sound.  I suppose if I were to ask a question to sum it all up it would be: Is this chick nuts or is it just me?  

[DKT3]

That's alot of crazy packed into two years...when did it ever have time to be a good relationship? I'm asking because she showed you crazy almost immediately yet you continued. I guess that's where my confusion is. 

[Fresh_Start]

12 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

That's alot of crazy packed into two years...when did it ever have time to be a good relationship? I'm asking because she showed you crazy almost immediately yet you continued. I guess that's where my confusion is. 

I tried to be fair and include that the relationship did have its moments as did she.  Unfortunately, after everything that she has said and done I just don't have too many positive things to say about her or the relationship anymore as well as the farce of a friendship. 

I do understand your confusion as to why I would continue with it despite some early warning signs.  As I mentioned, I wasn't perfect either and had entered into it when I was not in a particularly great place in my life.  I made some mistakes as well.  Because of that and the fact that I am a very compassionate and forgiving person I was probably too forgiving of things that I shouldn't have forgiven.  In another time and place, the deceptive pictures alone would've ended it right then and there because I've had plenty of women on OLD sites do the same thing and I never called them again or went out with them again.  With my ex, beyond the early "bumps in the road" that I mentioned, we did have an uncanny amount of things in common and great chemistry so that I got to know who I (thought) she was for months before meeting her for the first time.  That changes the stakes a bit from the OLD scenario I mentioned.  I was pretty invested in her at that point after spending hours on the phone every night and there were far more good things than bad as of that point in time.   

[DKT3]

My man, compassion doesn't work on crazy...you live you learn 

[chillii]

Never have l bothered with a post that long l usually think they're damn self centered expecting strangers to read that much about THEM.  But in your case l knew from the title knowing exactly what l'd read before l even started and knowing that it could well take double that to even scratch the surface of a person like this soooo, made it to the end haha. She's bpd man , ohhhhh have l been to that one. That's why l still have an interest in anything like this as like you , even though l myself moved on a few yrs back and in something new now, to this day l still wonder and think about it and the what if's and why for's and the general just wtf"s . You don't forget being this involved with a person like that .

But you would have never won , and right when you think you are , they'll throw some more at you, she's the master of creativeness. But at the same time often seem to involve all the goods and intensities too which is what makes it all such a tossel.. lt's a whole push pull sabotaging fear of abandonment thing. lf they acknowledge problems willingly seek help apparently they can hold down a relationship well, of sorts , with a very very patient and tolerant right person , that loves them to death obviously. But, l dunno , l've read some horror stories in those too though.   You'll probably end up doing what l did and finding all the in depth and most accurate information out there and just reading it all jaw dropped but just needing to somehow understand it , closure l guess . And to know there is nothing l could've done.  lf it effects you in the same way , then l think if you do some research and thorough reading , just for you , you will get some kind of of the same hopefully and in turn helping you to move on.

Edited June 10, 2020 by chillii

[mark clemson]

11 hours ago, DKT3 said:

My man, compassion doesn't work on crazy...you live you learn 

LOL, true dat...

[Fresh_Start]

3 hours ago, chillii said:

Never have l bothered with a post that long l usually think they're damn self centered expecting strangers to read that much about THEM.  But in your case l knew from the title knowing exactly what l'd read before l even started and knowing that it could well take double that to even scratch the surface of a person like this soooo, made it to the end haha. She's bpd man , ohhhhh have l been to that one. That's why l still have an interest in anything like this as like you , even though l myself moved on a few yrs back and in something new now, to this day l still wonder and think about it and the what if's and why for's and the general just wtf"s . You don't forget being this involved with a person like that .

But you would have never won , and right when you think you are , they'll throw some more at you, she's the master of creativeness. But at the same time often seem to involve all the goods and intensities too which is what makes it all such a tossel.. lt's a whole push pull sabotaging fear of abandonment thing. lf they acknowledge problems willingly seek help apparently they can hold down a relationship well, of sorts , with a very very patient and tolerant right person , that loves them to death obviously. But, l dunno , l've read some horror stories in those too though.   You'll probably end up doing what l did and finding all the in depth and most accurate information out there and just reading it all jaw dropped but just needing to somehow understand it , closure l guess . And to know there is nothing l could've done.  lf it effects you in the same way , then l think if you do some research and thorough reading , just for you , you will get some kind of of the same hopefully and in turn helping you to move on.

I really appreciate all of your words here and for bearing with me through what I knew at the start would likely be a very long (tedious) post and then apologized for at the end once I saw that it was an even longer novel than I anticipated.  I even ended up editing out some things here and there just to shorten it, amazingly enough.

At any rate, the rest of what you said really hit home for me.  "But you would have never won, and right when you think you are, they'll throw some more at you, she's the master of creativeness" sums it up perfectly.  There is no winning with a person like her.  There have been times where I think that there's no way she can be serious about any of this and that she's just deliberately screwing with me and playing mind games to get a rise out of me, but I'm now convinced that her mind games and her delusions are her truths. 

Part of the reason I didn't just immediately cut her off after this most recent incident is that she still has the title to my car.  When I bought it, I paid for a large portion of it in cash and was going to finance the rest.  She had a home equity line of credit with a much better interest rate than what I could have got at the dealership so we financed the balance that way and drafted a formal loan agreement (thank God) in which I would make monthly payments to her until the balance was paid.  When she lobbed her delusional accusations in my direction after I terminated the friendship with her, even wishing the best for her and her family, I wanted every trace of her out of my life forever and immediately paid off the balance of the loan about 5 months ahead of time.  I actually just got back from a trip to the district court with all of my proof and evidence with regards to the loan so that the judge could issue a legal order for the Department of Transportation to issue me the title in lieu of having to meet up with my ex and have her transfer it to my name in the presence of a notary.  I'm very tempted to take her to small claims court for all the bullsh*t hassles she has created for me that have resulted in loss of income, distress, and even the exacerbation of my disability.  It's probably not worth it, but it has been a consideration.

Edited June 10, 2020 by Fed_Up

[Mystery4u]

I hope you learnt a lesson from this - an ex is an ex for a reason. When you break up with someone the first time, you don't get back with them. A happy long lasting relationship does not involve break ups.

[IndigoNight]

You might be able to get the title for your car simply by filing a lost title request for a replacement.

Do yourself a favor and don't even bother with small claims. It's not worth dealing with her kind of craz,  and unless you have proof of monies owed to you by her it'd be a waste of time.  Wanting some sort of revenge or retribution is understandable, but it just keeps her in your life too do more damage for longer. Block her, and try to move on with your life the best you can. 

Edited June 10, 2020 by IndigoNight

[Lotsgoingon]

There are so many problems here. Once you talk about being close when you hadn't met her. Two she suspected you of cybers-talking. Three, you lied about your disability status ... that's just the start. Her hiding here weight is the same as you hiding/minimizing the time you've lived with your mom.

There are so many petty, immature moments by both of you. You both were immature and the relationship was fundamentally dysfunctional, and you both aggressively contributed to the dysfunction. Both of you. BTW: dysfunctional relationships can have their good sides. Refusing to face the reality that the good comes with a horrible, overwhelming cost of the bad ... is part of the dysfunctional immature thinking you both showed here. 

A good task for you is to think about what a healthy, confident you would have done if you encountered this mess of a relationship again. And think about the signs that she wasn't the woman you thought she was. Right now, you're in the middle of the mess. You need to step and see the broader pattern. 

A good exercise for you: what in a sentence have you learned from this relationship?

 

 

Edited June 11, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Fresh_Start]

34 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Three, you lied about your disability status … 

No I didn't.  She was aware all along that I was pursuing a disability claim with the Social Security Administration and that I had an upcoming hearing (which thankfully ended up in a ruling in my favor).  That's how the topic of me living with my mother even came up.  I was not fully honest about how long I'd been living there though in giving the month but not the year -- a fact that I owned and apologized for.  Profusely, even, while explaining that I was very embarrassed and didn't feel comfortable sharing that after "the freak out".  It wasn't right though and it was a poor decision on my part.  

I would contest that obfuscating the amount of time I'd lived at my mother's while pursuing a disability claim is not on the same level as someone sending deceptive pictures from when they were in significantly better shape; however, if you want to qualify both actions as "deceptive" that's fine and I won't put up an argument about it because you're right.  I at least apologized and made every effort to amend for my lapse in judgment, she never apologized for anything.  

We all make mistakes and I'm confident that every single one of us has lied or not been fully honest at some point in our lives, especially about an embarrassing or humiliating fact, but there's a world of difference between the person who takes accountability, apologizes, and never makes that mistake again and the one who does none of those things.  

[Fresh_Start]

4 hours ago, IndigoNight said:

You might be able to get the title for your car simply by filing a lost title request for a replacement.

Do yourself a favor and don't even bother with small claims. It's not worth dealing with her kind of craz,  and unless you have proof of monies owed to you by her it'd be a waste of time.  Wanting some sort of revenge or retribution is understandable, but it just keeps her in your life too do more damage for longer. Block her, and try to move on with your life the best you can. 

The title situation is resolved, in case you missed my explanation about that.  I went to the district court house, provided the original loan agreement and proof that it had been paid in full, and the judge drafted up an order for the Department of Transportation to issue me a new title rather than having to rely on my ex transferring it to my name.  With that bit of business out of the way, it's game over as far as any communication goes.  I decided against a civil suit or small claims matter (although I did consult about it).  It's just not worth it.  Now that I at least know I can get my title without any hassles or drama, I've been a lot less on edge about the whole thing and don't feel like stirring that hornet's nest back up again.  

[Lotsgoingon]

So what have you learned from this experience? What insights have you come up with? What will you do differently the next time you meet someone so that you avoid this level of acrimony and chaos?

[Fresh_Start]

13 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So what have you learned from this experience? What insights have you come up with? What will you do differently the next time you meet someone so that you avoid this level of acrimony and chaos?

Wasn't my OP long enough? 😋

Kidding aside, all of life is a learning experience.  Sometimes things that we should have learned (or did learn) end up being circumstantial mistakes that we either repeat or wouldn't have made under a different set of circumstances.  I know that the situation I was in at the time drastically changed the way in which I would have otherwise handled that relationship.  As I mentioned in my reply to someone else, the deceptive pictures alone would've ended it right then and there in a different time and place.  I've had women do that to me on a OLD, showed up for a first date only to be in for a rude surprise, and never called them or went out with them again.  Something like her freak out/paranoia that I was somehow cyber stalking her was sort of a gray area.  While on the one hand I felt insulted and unfairly judged for something that I didn't do, I gave her the benefit of the doubt for that one being a woman and meeting a guy online in a LDR.  

In a more general sense rather than dealing with specifics: I settled when I shouldn't have and accepted a lot of grief that I shouldn't have.  I was too forgiving of things and needed to have had a little bit more self respect.  Again, most of that is circumstantial.  I was once a very successful business owner so being reduced all the way down to nothing and living with my mother because of a string of unfortunate events and a rapidly deteriorating health condition, not to mention that my mother is no peach to live with, dealt a serious blow to my self esteem that carried over into nearly all of those decisions.  Even lying/concealing the truth out of embarrassment or fear of being judged is a self esteem issue. 

If I'm ever in a relationship again where the other person isn't meeting me halfway or is doing things that make me feel like a bad person or something that I'm not, I won't just immediately pull the plug, but if there aren't significant changes made to rectify the situation after a healthy conversation about it then it's on to the next.  Nobody should ever have to settle for less than they deserve.  The one that will result in me immediately dropping the axe, though, is another person who would rather discuss important relationship issues in texts and emails than with a conversation.  That is completely unhealthy for anyone and is where a lot of unnecessary acrimony and chaos came into the equation.  I do not like impersonal communication and especially texting to begin with.  

This could go on and on, really.  I made my fair share of mistakes in this, most of which I'd never done before and won't be making again.  I did a lot right though, too.  Far more than I did wrong and no amount of revisionist history or delusional accusations on her part can diminish that.  

[Watercolors]

Next time, have them do a Zoom or FaceTime session with you so that you can actually SEE who they are in the flesh, if you do long distance again. 

And I know you're a guy, but your gut alarm told you she was not someone you wanted to get involved with. Never ignore your gut! And, just put yourself and your narrative out there, so that the right woman will find you. Otherwise, as I've learned, anything that isn't made transparent will always find its way to the surface. Does that make sense? 

You didn't really ask a question. Who knows if she's nuts. She is definitely not compatible with you. Your own gut told you that. Next time, listen to your gut. Never second guess yourself where relationships are concerned. Easier said than done. And this, coming from a woman who has a hissy fit if a man offers me his phone number without asking for mine. 

[Fresh_Start]

10 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Next time, have them do a Zoom or FaceTime session with you so that you can actually SEE who they are in the flesh, if you do long distance again. 

And I know you're a guy, but your gut alarm told you she was not someone you wanted to get involved with. Never ignore your gut! And, just put yourself and your narrative out there, so that the right woman will find you. Otherwise, as I've learned, anything that isn't made transparent will always find its way to the surface. Does that make sense? 

You didn't really ask a question. Who knows if she's nuts. She is definitely not compatible with you. Your own gut told you that. Next time, listen to your gut. Never second guess yourself where relationships are concerned. Easier said than done. And this, coming from a woman who has a hissy fit if a man offers me his phone number without asking for mine. 

This blunder of a relationship occurred at the low point of my life.  I'm not sure if you read through the replies (my OP was probably enough reading material to put an old gal like you to sleep 😋), but I was once a very successful business owner who experienced a string of very unfortunate events, including the rapid deterioration of a medical condition that I've been coexisting with since I was 16.  Being reduced to living with my mother on top of that while my pursuit of disability dragged on and on, far past what was promised me by my attorney, dealt a crippling blow to my self-esteem that influenced many of the decisions I made in this particular relationship.  I settled for way less than I deserved and was too forgiving of things that I shouldn't have been.  

Transparency, for someone who has persevered through as much adversity as I have, is something that needs to be organic and not a forced info dump in the first week or two of getting to know someone.  No other woman I've ever been with has grilled me for every detail of my life's story so early on while simultaneously invading my privacy by cyber stalking me onto websites etc.  (I was not made aware of the latter until many months after we broke up)  My point being: get to know me for who I am first and then you'll get to know what makes me tick over a period of time or when I feel comfortable divulging those details.  My disability, for example, is an invisible one.  It's not readily apparent like someone in a wheelchair or with a disfigurement of some kind.  I'm an avid weight lifter and bodybuilder who holds a relatively prestigious position in my field (working with individuals with intellectual disabilities and autism) and I'm in the process of becoming a business owner all over again in my current field.  My former business was in a different field entirely.  I am an entrepreneur.  The disability is a private battle for me.  My coworkers, colleagues, gym buddies, and clients don't know about it and they don't need to.  It doesn't define who I am or how I operate so they get to see me at my best even when I'm not.  My friends know, my family knows, a bunch of anonymous strangers on this website know, and so will the next woman I get into a serious relationship with.  

I do think my ex is nuttier than a PayDay bar though and it's a sentiment shared by my friends, my family, and even the other folks who replied to this thread.  I poured my heart and soul into that relationship, loving her as much as any person could possibly love another despite her shortcomings, did things that no other man ever did for her and by her own words was the "hands down best boyfriend and partner she ever had" as well as someone who "treated her better than any man ever had".  To have her engage in some extremely creative revisionist history many months after we broke up for the second time, where she reconstructed me into something that I am not and never was, accusing me of things I never said or did, and ascribing fictitious ulterior motives to even the most mundane of requests while refusing to ever have mature, adult conversations and resorting entirely to emails is pretty crazy (and crazy making) to me. 

[Noproblem]

She has mental issues and is bipolar maybe.

I suggest . No. I urge you to move on with your life, block her email, number, social media. Everywhere

change your address and move on with your life

Delete the photos, the memory, delete everything.

 

Choose "You".. You matter more than her, never get back to her again, you deserve better, but you can only get better if you let go of the bad. Work on yourself, your health, your appearance, you will feel better and when you are ready, you'll find the love you deserve.

 

Again

Don't get back to her ever again, you don't need to prove anything to her, she is not worth the trouble! She has mental issues and she is not working on solving them.

 

Consider yourself lucky that no baby is involved between you two..

 

Close the door and let go of this burden.

 

 

[Fresh_Start]

21 hours ago, Noproblem said:

Close the door and let go of this burden.

I'm way ahead of you, friend.  I closed the book on this chapter of my life the day before I posted this thread and have had no contact with her since. 

For about the first week afterwards I vacillated between relief that I will never have to deal with her again and indignation over the way she crucified my character with her fictitious and delusional narrative when I did absolutely nothing to warrant any of it, especially in the wake of everything that I did for her.  However, I have since reached the point of total indifference and she has scarcely been a thought in my head.  When you deal with as much crap from a person as I dealt with from her, you reach a point where you're so far beyond done with it (and them) that you've already exhausted every emotion you could have towards them and feel nothing at all.  That's where I'm at.

I do appreciate everyone's replies, advice, and feedback and apologize again for such a lengthy post.  I'm still on lockdown by virtue of living in relatively close proximity to NY and the additional restrictions that have been enforced for the particular industry that I work in so that this lengthy "rant" was largely a product of not having access to any of my typical outlets as well as the ongoing cabin fever from being confined almost exclusively to my residence for 3 months and counting.  I'm eager for life to return to some semblance of normalcy.  

Edited June 18, 2020 by Fresh_Start

[SumGuy]

@Fresh_Start  Good for you.  No contact is wise.   Does sound like some cluster b/borderline personality disorder type situation.   There are forums for the victims of such relationships, not sure if it would make you feel better or worse but what you experienced is not unique and it could have been worse...I known that is a scary thought.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I'm going to play devil's advocate here and suggest that perhaps she mistrusted you because she felt you did not represent yourself honestly or authentically from the beginning. She probably tried to look past it as she liked many of your good qualities, but in the back of her mind it was always nagging at her.

I think she didn't want you too cozy with her kids because she wasn't sure about the longevity of your relationship given the dishonesty factor. The friend's boyfriend was no threat because he belonged to someone else; her kids would not form an expectation of long attachment with him like they would've with mom's boyfriend (i.e. possibly a future father figure).

Next time please be brave enough to be fully honest with your intimate partner from the beginning. If you tell a [good] woman you are unhappy with your current life status but are working to improve it, she will admire your courage and honesty. She will observe, and perhaps even support, your progress. 

You deceived your ex (by your own admission) because you felt internally ashamed about not being good enough and were afraid of her rejection. You resent her discovery of the truth before being ready to reveal it.

I'm not sure it's fair to call her a stalker based on fact checking. She probably had some suspicions based on her conversations with you and decided to fact check to protect herself. Turns out her suspicions were correct which probably didn't make you feel great. From her perspective she probably was worried what else you'd conceal as the years progressed.

If you are brave and share vulnerabilities with a bad woman, you risk hurt and rejection but you gain time. Better to know sooner than later it wouldn't be a good match so you can move on to better prospects.

Edited June 19, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typos

[Ellener]

On 6/9/2020 at 7:20 PM, Fresh_Start said:

She was significantly heavier than in any of the pictures she'd sent me.

This seems to be a LS pattern, wonder what it means?

The guy who recently got mad with me I told him I'm not overweight ( I'm not, though I have been at various times in my life like most people ) but he seemed obsessed with seeing me in person, even though it's a pandemic and we were becoming close in our conversations and somewhat sympatico before he forced the issue...I did think what would it matter if I was overweight? 

If a man falls in love with a woman and she subsequently gets fat ( or ill or pregnant or disabled or old etc etc ) what does that mean, he never really loved her, the love was conditional on checking off various boxes? Forever???

 

 

[Ellener]

On 6/9/2020 at 7:20 PM, Fresh_Start said:

I'm not one who sits around collecting a check doing nothing.  I work in spite of my disability

Most people do. The stereotype is not the norm.