I'm seeing this new guy and I feel like his ex might be the person he wants to be with and he's in denial.

[Hali Carter]

I’ve been seeing this guy for two months now. He’s really charming and handsome. Recently I think he started getting in contact with his ex gf of 6 years. He claims he just wants to be friends with her and “make it right” because he cheated on her and treated her mean in the past. 
So I found out recently that he was non stop messaging her on Facebook and she responded weeks later. It’s almost like she was trying to resist him. They became Snapchat friends and he posted a group pic of us on a date. She messaged him asking am I his gf and he said “no why?” She went ballistic and they started arguing. 
They met up to talk about the past at his job . He didn’t disclose to me what happened exactly (hold that thought) but he just said that he remembers why he isn’t with her anymore. He said he told her that he does like me and that I make him laugh and that he’d have to cut ties with her in order to not ruin what he has with me.  
Yesterday they got into a HUGE blow out and he ended up blocking her on Facebook and her phone number and she blocked him on Snapchat and Instagram. The next morning he called her to make amends. WHY WOULD HE CALL HER!? He told me he just wants to “make it right with her”. But WHY does he care so much about her being his friend? He kept asking her “why can’t you just be friends?” He ended up calling her a few hours later. He stepped outside and I could hear his conversation. He doesn’t know I could hear him CLEARLY but He was saying things that made me uncomfortable. He said to her “ok I know I crossed lines by messaging you but answer this? Why did you respond?” Idk what she said but then he said “what about when I said no?”  One thing that REALLY bugged me is he told her “nobody in my life makes me as angry as you!” Then he said something like “well we can’t be around eachother because then THAT happens” he then said “let’s not unblock eachother and I’ll just call to check on you sometimes” and he hung up. He came back and said “gosh she’s a pain in the a**” 

a few hours later I saw his phone and he had unblocked her on Facebook? But why? So then she sent him a Facebook message this morning saying “I just want to be WITH or WITHOUT you and if you don’t want to be with me let’s cut all ties there’s no in between” and she blocked him. I saw the message pop up on his iPad. 
he’s acting as if he doesn’t care but idk. My concern is he’s just SAYING he wants to be friends. Like I feel he may really just WANT to be her friend but maybe he has more feelings than he can control for her. I didn’t like that he told her she makes him angrier than anyone in his life..... why does she have that much power? He always said he can’t stand her.  He was making out like she’s this psycho who won’t let go.... 

[Realitysux]

I'd be careful with that . I was being called the psyco who wouldn't let go while this guy was in a relationship but he constantly confused me. He wrote about reconnecting. He had people reach out to me and tell me to let go then ask if I'm okay and keep in touch. I set up dating profiles and I was cat fished by this man. It was a horrible experience. He wasn't there for me at all but he checked my emails and would not exactly let me go either. This guy didn't handle himself well at all. 

Edited June 10, 2020 by Realitysux

[Hali Carter]

@Realitysux are you implying he’s obsessed with her?

[Realitysux]

9 minutes ago, Hali Carter said:

@Realitysux are you implying he’s obsessed with her?

No .. I'm implying that this guys girlfriend is probably not clear on what exactly transpired and that you are not clear on what transpired with them. Ask her what happened, not him. 

[Ruby Slippers]

He definitely has unfinished business with her. If it were me, I'd completely back off and leave him to sort it out. It's totally insulting to you that he's calling his ex and having these emotionally heated discussions with her.

[Hali Carter]

Just now, Ruby Slippers said:

He definitely has unfinished business with her. If it were me, I'd completely back off and leave him to sort it out. It's totally insulting to you that he's calling his ex and having these emotionally heated discussions with her.

Right?! Why do they need to argue about being friends? Why would she affect him so much? So weird 

[Ruby Slippers]

I think he feels guilty for cheating, and it makes her more attractive to him that she's drawn a line. Come on, she came right out and said she wants to be "with him or without him." She doesn't want to be friends. So he's going to contact her again knowing she doesn't want to be friends, meaning he's trying to open the door to more so he can get her to forgive him and see him as a good guy again. He's obviously not a good guy, sorry. He's been with you for 2 months and denies you're his girlfriend? Are you having sex with this guy? And you're not his girlfriend? Yeah, NO. This is going nowhere for you, I'm afraid.

[Hali Carter]

14 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I think he feels guilty for cheating, and it makes her more attractive to him that she's drawn a line. Come on, she came right out and said she wants to be "with him or without him." She doesn't want to be friends. So he's going to contact her again knowing she doesn't want to be friends, meaning he's trying to open the door to more so he can get her to forgive him and see him as a good guy again. He's obviously not a good guy, sorry. He's been with you for 2 months and denies you're his girlfriend? Are you having sex with this guy? And you're not his girlfriend? Yeah, NO. This is going nowhere for you, I'm afraid.

So why would he tell her about me? I mean he knows she wants to be with him. Which is why I don’t get why he contacts her to tell her he doesn’t want that 

[Hali Carter]

45 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

No .. I'm implying that this guys girlfriend is probably not clear on what exactly transpired and that you are not clear on what transpired with them. Ask her what happened, not him. 

She isn’t his girlfriend. Ex but he tries to say that he dislikes her so much but he still tries to be cool with her. He says she’s toxic and he tells her that too but he’s like drawn to her or something it’s so strange 

[ShyViolet]

Oh hell no.  You need to stop wasting your time with this guy.  The way that he keeps going through this pattern of talking to her and then getting into big fights and then going back to her.... it almost sounds like they are still in a relationship.  And the way he keeps saying "I want to make it right".  What the hell does that mean?  There is no "making it right", that is just his way of saying he still wants to stay involved with her and still cares about her.  

If he wants to put so much of his energy into his relationship with this girl, he's clearly not showing that his relationship with you is a priority.  Stop accepting this situation where you are sharing him with his ex.

[d0nnivain]

He's using you to make her jealous.  

he's not emotionally available to date you  Don't waste any more time on him.  

[Hali Carter]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

He's using you to make her jealous.  

he's not emotionally available to date you  Don't waste any more time on him.  

See it’s just hard for me to believe that because I saw their text argument. She wants to be with him but he keeps saying “just friends if not I understand”

[elaine567]

NEVER get involved with people who have unfinished business with their ex.
This guy has unfinished business with his ex.
Six years is a long time to be together, they are still mixed up with each other.
If he was into you then he would have essentially forgotten about her, but no, she is right there in the middle of your relationship.
In fact I am wrong, YOU are in the middle of THEIR relationship.
You are not enough for him, at 2 months he should be loved up with you, but instead he is out there trying to win round his ex.
Sounds like he is addicted to her.
Some people love drama and chaos and  I am almost certain that when they do get together "THAT" will be happening again.
They probably can't keep their hands off each other... Fireworks...
Walk away, you can't fix this, the longer you stay the more hurt you will be.

[Negotaurus]

From someone who has been in the position that you are in, for your own sake, walk away. He is not done with her, he is not healed, he is not over whatever is happening between them. You are bound to get hurt, one way or another.. A guy like him is no good for a healthy happy relationship. Protect yourself.

Edited June 10, 2020 by Negotaurus

[Hali Carter]

I get what you all are saying but no one seems to be answering the fact that he’s told her he doesn’t want her. Several times that he wants to be friends that’s it. And they haven’t spoken since the whole “with or without me”. Like I said I just don’t know why he’d WANT to be her friend. His mother hates her lol

[Hali Carter]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

You are not enough for him, at 2 months he should be loved up with you, but instead he is out there trying to win round his ex.
Sounds like he is addicted to her.
Some people love drama and chaos and  I am almost certain that when they do get together "THAT" will be happening again.
They probably can't keep their hands off each other... Fireworks...
Walk away, you can't fix this, the longer you stay the more hurt you will be.

So why tell her he likes me and I make him laugh?

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, Hali Carter said:

So why would he tell her about me? I mean he knows she wants to be with him. Which is why I don’t get why he contacts her to tell her he doesn’t want that 

Sounds to me like he enjoys the drama that comes when two or more women are fighting over him. He's totally setting you both up. And he's doing it actively. Then he gets to cheat on you both and call you psychos.

I'm not sure why you're still with him unless you're collecting material to help you write a telenovela script.

[Hali Carter]

38 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Sounds to me like he enjoys the drama that comes when two or more women are fighting over him. He's totally setting you both up. And he's doing it actively. Then he gets to cheat on you both and call you psychos.

I'm not sure why you're still with him unless you're collecting material to help you write a telenovela script.

Guess that backfired then since she decided not to speak to him then huh? You really think he was expecting it to go the other way?

[d0nnivain]

If he was well & truly done, he'd have stopped engaging with her at all.  This "just friends" offer is a way to stay connected to her.  He's punishing her.  He's making her beg & he's throwing you in her face to torture her.  

If this man gave one whit about you, there would be no communication between him & his EX at all about anything.   All this fighting is simply fueling the sexual tension between them.  It's foreplay for them even though it's twisted.  

She will always be part of your relationship until she takes him back & kicks you out. 

Why are you so insistent on trying to save this when it's clear to everybody else that he's using you?  Don't you have any self respect?  

[Hali Carter]

47 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If he was well & truly done, he'd have stopped engaging with her at all.  This "just friends" offer is a way to stay connected to her.  He's punishing her.  He's making her beg & he's throwing you in her face to torture her.  

If this man gave one whit about you, there would be no communication between him & his EX at all about anything.   All this fighting is simply fueling the sexual tension between them.  It's foreplay for them even though it's twisted.  

She will always be part of your relationship until she takes him back & kicks you out. 

Why are you so insistent on trying to save this when it's clear to everybody else that he's using you?  Don't you have any self respect?  

I do have self respect but I’ve just never witness a man say negative things to a girl or repeatedly say “I’m sorry I don’t want to be with you” over and over and then feel bad for her? I saved some of their dialogue from the iPad and maybe it’ll explain why I’m confused. One of his messages to her literally said “I said I can be your friend if you want but that’s it and your blowing it”   and another said “I’m sorry you can’t accept that I only want to be your friend and that’s is but I can’t help that” so you’re saying you think he doesn’t mean that? Like it’s some sort of game?

[d0nnivain]

4 minutes ago, Hali Carter said:

 so you’re saying you think he doesn’t mean that? Like it’s some sort of game?

Yes!  

He's still messaging & talking to her & fighting with her because he cares.  Hate is not the opposite of love.  It's the other side of the same coin -- just negative but the same passion.  

Apathy is the true opposite of love.  If he really wasn't harboring feelings for her, he'd just fade away.  He hasn't.  That tells you he still wants the connection with her.  

[Hali Carter]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Yes!  

He's still messaging & talking to her & fighting with her because he cares.  Hate is not the opposite of love.  It's the other side of the same coin -- just negative but the same passion.  

Apathy is the true opposite of love.  If he really wasn't harboring feelings for her, he'd just fade away.  He hasn't.  That tells you he still wants the connection with her.  

Could it be possible he’s just TELLING himself that? Like telling himself he doesn’t want her? Ugh this is so confusing! I heard this man telling this girl that he doesn’t see a future with her. She cried and he said he understands if she doesn’t want to be friends. Then she asked him what does he want and he said “I’m ok with being friends” idk it’s like he wasn’t asking for it but he said he’s ok with it. Making my head explode!!!!

[elaine567]

Both are hugely invested hence the continued bickering and arguing.
Who cares what they actually say? It is irrelevant.
Whatever he says or she says they keep it going as they both care.
d0nnivain is correct if they didn't care they would let it all slide.
Apathy, indifference, lack of concern, nonchalance, disinterest and coolness is what you you need to see.
That is what a bf who is over his ex will show you.
That is not what is happening here.

[Hali Carter]

Just now, elaine567 said:

Both are hugely invested hence the continued bickering and arguing.
Who cares what they actually say? It is irrelevant.
Whatever he says or she says they keep it going as they both care.
d0nnivain is correct if they didn't care they would let it all slide.
Apathy, indifference, lack of concern, nonchalance, disinterest and coolness is what you you need to see.
That is what a bf who is over his ex will show you.
That is not what is happening here.

Yes I know.... I mean I know SHE is invested she told him she loves him Sunday night. But WHENEVER I ask him he says “I don’t want to be with her, I’d be with her if I wanted to be with her” says she’s toxic and that his mom hates her .  Like if you had an ex that you hurt really bad.... would you just apologize and ignore their response? If you really wanted to make it right?

[Mrin]

She's more in relationship with him than you are. 

I've been the person on both sides of this equation in the past. Take it for me - you don't want to be dating him right now. The best case scenario is he's just emotionally unavailable right now. The worst case scenario is you're just a pawn. Either way - you don't want to be in the situation