I'm seeing this new guy and I feel like his ex might be the person he wants to be with and he's in denial.

[smackie9]

"because he cheated on her and treated her mean in the past." Would this not be a deal breaker for you???

[Hali Carter]

37 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

"because he cheated on her and treated her mean in the past." Would this not be a deal breaker for you???

 Honestly tho.... I don’t agree with cheating but he kept saying he knew it was wrong and apologizing for it..... not like defending him. I’m annoyed about their interaction period 

[ThorntonMelon]

Quote

 

I’ve been seeing this guy for two months now. He’s really charming and handsome. Recently I think he started getting in contact with his ex gf of 6 years. He claims he just wants to be friends with her and “make it right” because he cheated on her and treated her mean in the past. 
So I found out recently that he was non stop messaging her on Facebook and she responded weeks later. It’s almost like she was trying to resist him. They became Snapchat friends and he posted a group pic of us on a date. She messaged him asking am I his gf and he said “no why?” She went ballistic and they started arguing. 
They met up to talk about the past at his job . He didn’t disclose to me what happened exactly (hold that thought) but he just said that he remembers why he isn’t with her anymore. He said he told her that he does like me and that I make him laugh and that he’d have to cut ties with her in order to not ruin what he has with me.  
Yesterday they got into a HUGE blow out and he ended up blocking her on Facebook and her phone number and she blocked him on Snapchat and Instagram. The next morning he called her to make amends. WHY WOULD HE CALL HER!? He told me he just wants to “make it right with her”. But WHY does he care so much about her being his friend? He kept asking her “why can’t you just be friends?” He ended up calling her a few hours later. He stepped outside and I could hear his conversation. He doesn’t know I could hear him CLEARLY but He was saying things that made me uncomfortable. He said to her “ok I know I crossed lines by messaging you but answer this? Why did you respond?” Idk what she said but then he said “what about when I said no?”  One thing that REALLY bugged me is he told her “nobody in my life makes me as angry as you!” Then he said something like “well we can’t be around eachother because then THAT happens” he then said “let’s not unblock eachother and I’ll just call to check on you sometimes” and he hung up. He came back and said “gosh she’s a pain in the a**” 

a few hours later I saw his phone and he had unblocked her on Facebook? But why? So then she sent him a Facebook message this morning saying “I just want to be WITH or WITHOUT you and if you don’t want to be with me let’s cut all ties there’s no in between” and she blocked him. I saw the message pop up on his iPad. 
he’s acting as if he doesn’t care but idk. My concern is he’s just SAYING he wants to be friends. Like I feel he may really just WANT to be her friend but maybe he has more feelings than he can control for her. I didn’t like that he told her she makes him angrier than anyone in his life..... why does she have that much power? He always said he can’t stand her.  He was making out like she’s this psycho who won’t let go.... 

 

So I bolded everything about your post that is inappropriate for a guy you've been dating for two months to be doing with someone else. 

This is not a conversation about whether or not he is in denial or who he wants to be with. This is a conversation about how you want to be treated by someone you trust and see a future with. If you stay, you will be in a toxic relationship, it will eventually end, and it will plague other relationships you get into. As much as every bone in your body wants to see this from the perspective of him picking you, you need to see this from the perspective of how you are being treated. 

[Hali Carter]

26 minutes ago, ThorntonMelon said:

So I bolded everything about your post that is inappropriate for a guy you've been dating for two months to be doing with someone else. 

This is not a conversation about whether or not he is in denial or who he wants to be with. This is a conversation about how you want to be treated by someone you trust and see a future with. If you stay, you will be in a toxic relationship, it will eventually end, and it will plague other relationships you get into. As much as every bone in your body wants to see this from the perspective of him picking you, you need to see this from the perspective of how you are being treated. 

But.... how exactly am I being treated? He yells at HER not me. He said he tries to be open with me about everything. That’s how I know so much 

[smackie9]

If that's how he treats another person regardless of her being an ex...wouldn't that be a deal breaker? When there is that much emotion between them still, it's unfurnished business.

Edited June 10, 2020 by smackie9

[ShyViolet]

8 hours ago, Hali Carter said:

I get what you all are saying but no one seems to be answering the fact that he’s told her he doesn’t want her. Several times that he wants to be friends that’s it. 

No.  It doesn't matter.  He is choosing to keep himself engaged in this ongoing drama with her... the fights, the back and forth.  He is putting a lot of his energy into this.  It doesn't make sense that he would try to stay friends with her.  Exes like this, who have drama and fights, can't be friends.  For some bizarre reason he is unwilling to just walk away from her and put an end to this ongoing drama with her.  He enjoys it and on some level he cares about her.  

[Hali Carter]

She found out about me because he asked her to add him on Snapchat and left his location in and she could see him at my apartment. I just found this out today. So I asked why would you add her then turn your location on?

[healing light]

11 hours ago, Hali Carter said:

I get what you all are saying but no one seems to be answering the fact that he’s told her he doesn’t want her.

Doesn't matter what he is telling you, his actions are telling you otherwise. Of course he's not going to admit he still wants her--then he'd for sure lose you. And right now you are making her jealous and uncomfortable, so it's a win win for him.

This guy is CLEARLY not over his ex. At all. There wouldn't be all this back and forth otherwise. Obsessing, blocking, unblocking, sex when they see each other (you'd have to be far in denial to not suspect that's what THAT is when they see each other).

There's literally nothing in this for you unless you enjoy being jerked around until he makes the decision to get back with her and/or cheat on you with her if he hasn't already.

[Acacia98]

18 hours ago, Hali Carter said:

Guess that backfired then since she decided not to speak to him then huh? You really think he was expecting it to go the other way?

I think so. It sounds like that might have been the dynamic of their interaction when they were in a relationship. So maybe he was hoping it would continue.

It also sounds like he's trying to train you to behave similarly. If you fall for the manipulation, you will consistently find yourself resenting and maybe fighting with one or more women who seem to constantly be chasing him when, in reality, the problem is him.

If he was really a good guy, he would have been hesitant to seek her out in the first place. When you cheat on someone and treat them like crap, the best thing you can do afterwards is leave them alone and let them heal, not insert yourself back into their lives and seek to be "friends." He is being unkind to her. He is being selfish. In an ideal world, she would have blocked him a long time ago.

Edited June 11, 2020 by Acacia98

[Hali Carter]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I think so. It sounds like that might have been the dynamic of their interaction when they were in a relationship. So maybe he was hoping it would continue.

It also sounds like he's trying to train you to behave similarly. If you fall for the manipulation, you will consistently find yourself resenting and maybe fighting with one or more women who seem to constantly be chasing him when, in reality, the problem is him.

If he was really a good guy, he would have been hesitant to seek her out in the first place. When you cheat on someone and treat them like crap, the best thing you can do afterwards is leave them alone and let them heal, not insert yourself back into their lives and seek to be "friends." He is being unkind to her. He is being selfish. In an ideal world, she would have blocked him a long time ago.

I agree! I asked him about her last message to him and he said yes she blocked me and I blocked her back she’s so toxic. And I was like why’d you block her back after she blocked you and he said so she can’t message him anymore. Idk if I should believe that’s why he blocked her. In the message she said she was cutting all ties . 

[Hali Carter]

12 hours ago, healing light said:

.

This guy is CLEARLY not over his ex. At all

After she sent him her “farewell” message and blocked him , he blocked her back.... hoping that means no intentions on speaking to her 

[d0nnivain]

Give it a week.  They will unblock each other & then where will you be?  

[Hali Carter]

10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Give it a week.  They will unblock each other & then where will you be?  

Can I be honest? It’s making me resent her. Because she went and posted yesterday all these gorgeous selfies and got so many likes and comments online..... I’m sure she did that to catch his attention and prove she’s “single”. And now I’m annoyed that I’m annoyed 

[d0nnivain]

You should be annoyed at yourself.  But that is a good emotion.  It will spur you to action 

Why on earth are you looking at her social media?  Stop!  You are only going to make yourself crazy.  

[Hali Carter]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You should be annoyed at yourself.  But that is a good emotion.  It will spur you to action 

Why on earth are you looking at her social media?  Stop!  You are only going to make yourself crazy.  

Just annoys me cause i wonder if he went and looked ugh 

[d0nnivain]

You know he looked.  No need to wonder.  

She posted that so HE would see it. 

If they are still connected on social media they can scream all they want about "being done".  They are not.  

[Hali Carter]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You know he looked.  No need to wonder.  

She posted that so HE would see it. 

If they are still connected on social media they can scream all they want about "being done".  They are not.  

 I love your advice you’re so honest! But then why did he block her from messaging him after she blocked him lol?

Edited June 11, 2020 by Hali Carter

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad you are OK with my blunt style.  Some people find it abrasive.  I don't intend to be mean but cold words can sometimes sound harsh.  

Anyway . . .

they are playing games.  It's foreplay to them.  Unhealthy.  Dysfunctional. Annoying but still they both get a charge out of it which is why they continue.  It's not until one of them gets to apathy that this will really be over.  Sadly you just have a front row seat & are being used as a pawn in some twisted mating game only they understand.   

[Hali Carter]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm glad you are OK with my blunt style.  Some people find it abrasive.  I don't intend to be mean but cold words can sometimes sound harsh.  

Anyway . . .

they are playing games.  It's foreplay to them.  Unhealthy.  Dysfunctional. Annoying but still they both get a charge out of it which is why they continue.  It's not until one of them gets to apathy that this will really be over.  Sadly you just have a front row seat & are being used as a pawn in some twisted mating game only they understand.   

It’s just stupid like go be with her then!

[FMW]

19 hours ago, Hali Carter said:

But.... how exactly am I being treated?

The fact that you felt the need to post here means that no matter how nice you say he's being to you, you're feeling that something isn't right. 

The fact that "she" is annoying you with what she does on her own Social Media (and the fact that you made a point of looking into it) means he's being successful at playing you off against each other for his own ego boost. If you truly believed he was done with her and only being nice to her you wouldn't be having that annoyed feeling, you would feel bad for her.  Your annoyance is based in insecurity because he's giving you reason to feel insecure - whether you want to be honest with yourself about it or not.  

He admits to cheating on her, and now he's toying with her because he wants her attention.  If he really felt bad about what he did to her he'd leave her alone.  Don't think he won't be equally as insensitive with you. 

You're only two months in - don't get in any deeper, you'll only bring yourself more frustration.    

[Hali Carter]

@d0nnivain @smackie9 @elaine567 @Acacia98 @FMW SO I FOUND OUT MORE they met up because she was giving him her old iPad. When they got into an argument she told him to give it back. Which is why they kept fighting.  She ended up telling him to just keep it. Based on talking to him, the main reason it seems he stops himself from talking to her is because his mother HATES her like HATES her. He told me he would sneak and hang out with her and his mother would tell him “you’re being disobedient to God” so I asked what did she do for your mom to hate her. And he said she was spiteful when I would cheat on her and would lash out. So do you feel they only communicated FOR the iPad? Or like what?

[d0nnivain]

She was "spiteful when he cheated"?   You're kidding right?  Why she didn't drop him on his head immediately is beyond me.  

No I don't think they only communicated about the iPad. the level of passion these two have has to be expressed through fighting or f***ing.    I think she represents him defying his mother & that makes her ooooohhhh sooooo attractive.  Can you say forbidden fruit?  If you come with mommy's seal of approval, you can't hold a candle to her.   Women aren't the only ones who go through a "bad 'boy'" phase.  Men get sucked into the defiant women they can't tame thing too. 

Plus with his history of cheating why oh why are you fighting so hard to keep him?  All you will "win" is a cheater who settled for you because his mom forced him to dump her even though he didn't really want to.  Eventually you will be the girl he cheats on if he hasn't already gotten busy with this EX behind your back. 

There is nothing good or healthy for you here with him.  Think about that.  What do you really gain if he chooses you?  

Edited June 11, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Alexa 95]

On 6/10/2020 at 12:10 PM, Hali Carter said:

I get what you all are saying but no one seems to be answering the fact that he’s told her he doesn’t want her. Several times that he wants to be friends that’s it. And they haven’t spoken since the whole “with or without me”. Like I said I just don’t know why he’d WANT to be her friend. His mother hates her lol

He has feelings for her deep down. 

You should set some boundaries or exit whatever  this is.

Its a toxic situation all round im afraid.

[Hali Carter]

15 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

She was "spiteful when he cheated"?   You're kidding right?  Why she didn't drop him on his head immediately is beyond me.  

No I don't think they only communicated about the iPad. the level of passion these two have has to be expressed through fighting or f***ing.    I think she represents him defying his mother & that makes her ooooohhhh sooooo attractive.  Can you say forbidden fruit?  If you come with mommy's seal of approval, you can't hold a candle to her.   Women aren't the only ones who go through a "bad 'boy'" phase.  Men get sucked into the defiant women they can't tame thing too. 

Plus with his history of cheating why oh why are you fighting so hard to keep him?  All you will "win" is a cheater who settled for you because his mom forced him to dump her even though he didn't really want to.  Eventually you will be the girl he cheats on if he hasn't already gotten busy with this EX behind your back. 

There is nothing good or healthy for you here with him.  Think about that.  What do you really gain if he chooses you?  

Nope not kidding. He said “she was really mean when she got mad at me. And she was spiteful whenever I did something to her. And we fought like every single day. She really gets on my nerves. Literally no one in my life has ever aggravated me as bad as she does” I said is she a bad person and he said “not at all. But when she’s mad she acts before she thinks” he didn’t say why his mom doesn’t like her tho. Didn’t sound like there is a reason. 
I get what everyone’s saying but like.... IF he has feelings for her..... he’s NEVER going to act on them. If we break up..... he’s not getting with her.

[MsJayne]

Wow, so ignorant of him, completely dismissing your feelings and undermining your relationship so he can bicker with an ex. Please ditch this dude and find someone with a soul and a clue.  I agree with other posters, he's using you to make her jealous. Both you and she should block this guy on every front.