Boyfriend wants to buy a house and have his family move in

[VanessaVanessa]

So there is a new home buyers grant scheme that is available and my bf wants to look into applying for it. He was discussing the possibility of it with me and how much would be needed to save for it etc. I assumed it would be for us to live in, and even though I'm not working full time as I am studying, I would be able to contribute to a deposit for it. He then tells me if i would be ok with moving in with his family - mother, father and sister of 11 years to the house. I am 25 and he is 23.. I told him that I wouldn't really understand the point of a first experience in home owning to be with other people. He then says that it's fine because it would still be close by and I assumed it would be the end of that. Then today he says to me he has thought about it and that he wants to live with his family longer and that he would rent out the property that his parents own and have his family move in with him to the new place until their current property is paid or until "we" would like to have the place.

Do I have a right to be upset here?

I mean, I have nothing against his family, but I think the whole point of it would be independence or privacy too. We have only been together for about 1.5 years, so we are still fresh, however why involve me or ask me about anything in the discussion only to leave me feeling excluded?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Yes, you have the right to be upset. You always have a right to your feelings, whatever they are. But to me, you should be glad your bf isn't buying the house for the two of you when he prefers to be with his family. When he's ready to be together with you alone he'll most likely let you know. In your place, I definitely would leave the issue alone and not try to get him to change his mind. 

If you should be able to convince him to live with you without his family he may end up resenting you for it. 

Let your bf see that you're happy to live by yourself, or whatever your living arrangements are. It's a far more attractive choice than getting upset would be.

[Emilie Jolie]

Sounds like he wants to help his parents out financially, which for him takes priority over living together with you. You can be upset, but it doesn't sound like there's a whole lot you can do. Is this plan set in stone, or is he simply trying to find ways to support his family for some reason?

[VanessaVanessa]

17 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Sounds like he wants to help his parents out financially, which for him takes priority over living together with you. You can be upset, but it doesn't sound like there's a whole lot you can do. Is this plan set in stone, or is he simply trying to find ways to support his family for some reason?

Well he is supposed to be having a discussion with the bank this week and I guess depending on if he is approved for the loan then that's the plan. 

That's just what I don't seem to understand - it seems like it's a support thing, but his parents already purchased their own home and have no issues in paying their mortgage (which is where he lives now), so why does he want to move them into a new build?

All this information has been thrown at me, I will add, in the last 3 days after one of his cousins told him he should buy a house and I feel like he has been jumping from one idea (of living with me) to the next like it's nothing

[ShyViolet]

It is NOT a good idea to buy a house with someone when you have been together only 1.5 years and you're in your early 20's.  Make sure that he buys it under his name only, if this even happens at all.  At his age I am skeptical that this is going to happen anyway.

[d0nnivain]

He can do anything with his money & his house.  Since you don't like his plan, you don't contribute financially & you don't own the house with him.  

I will never understand why people who aren't married tie themselves to someone else through a mortgage.  

[Art_Critic]

IMO, you shouldn't get involved with this deal with what he is adding to it with all his family living there, what a mess that would be for you to have to live with all those people and start building a life with your BF and having to have his family there as well..

That being said if his parents are on the deed then maybe that is the only way he can buy the home or maybe having them on the deed will remove the need to pay school taxes since after a certain age that stops, age depends on the state.

I think you need to sit down with him and hammer out where you fit in this picture he is painting. Once you figure it out then you can decide if you want to be part of it.

 

[schlumpy]

8 hours ago, VanessaVanessa said:

I mean, I have nothing against his family, but I think the whole point of it would be independence or privacy too. We have only been together for about 1.5 years, so we are still fresh, however why involve me or ask me about anything in the discussion only to leave me feeling excluded?

Do Not Do This! If you have good relations with his family now, I guarantee you will not have good relations after living in the same house with them for a few months.

You need to step back and check your boyfriends maturity level if he's not ready to leave the nest.

[introverted1]

Maybe your bf sees home ownership as a desirable step in his financial plan. Perhaps the finances work out favorably to have his parents move into the new place with him while renting their current place.  He's only 23, so living with family for a few more years while he establishes financial independence is fine, imo. 

Where do you currently live, OP? You mention that you are a student and could only contribute a deposit; does this mean you are living rent-free somewhere?

[contel3]

I can't help but wonder: Is your boyfriend american? A lot of cultures will expect you to live with and care for your parents till the day they die. 

[VanessaVanessa]

36 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Maybe your bf sees home ownership as a desirable step in his financial plan. Perhaps the finances work out favorably to have his parents move into the new place with him while renting their current place.  He's only 23, so living with family for a few more years while he establishes financial independence is fine, imo. 

Where do you currently live, OP? You mention that you are a student and could only contribute a deposit; does this mean you are living rent-free somewhere?

I live with my parents too, and I do pay rent. That's why I guess when he brought up the idea of it I didn't expect him to do so with the intention of living with family still.

[VanessaVanessa]

21 minutes ago, contel3 said:

I can't help but wonder: Is your boyfriend american? A lot of cultures will expect you to live with and care for your parents till the day they die. 

He is of Asian descent, but was born in Australia (where we are). I have not been aware of that being the case in his culture, especially since his grandpa does not live with them and is elderly. 

[justwhoiam]

33 minutes ago, VanessaVanessa said:

I live with my parents too, and I do pay rent.

Parents making pay rent to live in their house is an odd concept for me.

Anyway, don't contribute any deposit. Say you're open to contribute something if you were renting with him only if it's a place just for the two of you, and let him know you think buying is a long-term commitment that requires a long-term plan, like marriage.

[Happy Lemming]

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Since you don't like his plan, you don't contribute financially & you don't own the house with him.  

I will never understand why people who aren't married tie themselves to someone else through a mortgage.  

100% Agree... Don't contribute and DON"T sign any mortgage or home owner documents.  You don't want to be tied to this house in any way, shape or form.

If HE wants to buy a home and help HIS parents, I would suggest a home with an unattached guest house or Casita.  He would still be on the property to assist his parents (if necessary) but still retain his privacy.

I can guarantee you will be miserable if you move into a house with HIS family.  At 23 and 25, you guys should be having fun and enjoying each other, not living with his family.

Can I ask why you are still living at home (with your parents) at 25??  Why haven't you found a small apartment or flat (by yourself)??

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, VanessaVanessa said:

it seems like it's a support thing, but his parents already purchased their own home and have no issues in paying their mortgage (which is where he lives now), so why does he want to move them into a new build?

My guess this is not a support thing, this is a  scheme devised by his parents to help them all.
As a first time buyer he will get the grant,  ie free money.
They can all live in a nice property and the rental money from the parent's house will help pay the mortgage on the new place, or be a nice little income for them.
Pooling resources helps everyone.
As for you. 
Stay away do not put one bean into it. You are outnumbered and you may find it difficult to recoup your investment should you split up.
He is not at the stage of moving in together with you.
Yes you could move in as "the gf", but with no real stake in the house, then your position would be very weak if disagreement broke out.

Edited June 10, 2020 by elaine567

[d0nnivain]

VanessaVanesssa 

elaine567's theory is plausible & her advice is spot on.  Let them do whatever,  You stay out of it.  Buying a house with this guy, especially if his parents are involved in any way, is a bad idea for you.  Don't do it.  

[Emilie Jolie]

8 hours ago, VanessaVanessa said:

why does he want to move them into a new build?

Could they have financial troubles you don't know about? Or as @elaine567said, they want to help him get on the housing ladder?

Things don't need to change for your relationship at this point, though you may want to think about the long-term prospects of a relationship with a guy who is about to buy his first house without you. 

[Ellener]

11 hours ago, VanessaVanessa said:

Do I have a right to be upset here?

What do you mean by 'right'?

All that's important is- do you love each other and then, what should we do together.

Negotiate and get legal advice for any business decisions if you need to, love but leave if you have to, but these are your choices and not your 'right'. 

 

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

The mentality of "We can do this ourselves" is the mentality of broke people... People are our greatest resource, but also the greatest liability.

If they want to help you pay off the house, I don't see why that is an issue; maybe they won't even want a portion of the house, idk.

My Indian friend does this with like their whole community, they all pitch in, help each other buy houses, now they're all home owners while having a job at some retail/convenience outlet

[VanessaVanessa]

55 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

Parents making pay rent to live in their house is an odd concept for me.

Anyway, don't contribute any deposit. Say you're open to contribute something if you were renting with him only if it's a place just for the two of you, and let him know you think buying is a long-term commitment that requires a long-term plan, like marriage.

Trust me, I wish I didn't need to, but since only one of my parent's works full time they can't afford all expenses. In fact, it's my parents who don't own a home (they rent).

If I didn't have to do so, then maybe I could have saved more to buy my own place too by now, unfortunately I haven't had the financial support he has had

[Mystery4u]

11 hours ago, VanessaVanessa said:

 Then today he says to me he has thought about it and that he wants to live with his family longer and that he would rent out the property that his parents own and have his family move in with him to the new place until their current property is paid or until "we" would like to have the place.

I think this is the main problem here. You are ready to have a place for you both now, he is not. For what reason, only he knows. Not sure if he sees a future with you, commitment issue, etc

You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel, you are ready to have your own place together now and can see yourselves being together for ever. See how he reacts.

[VanessaVanessa]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

100% Agree... Don't contribute and DON"T sign any mortgage or home owner documents.  You don't want to be tied to this house in any way, shape or form.

If HE wants to buy a home and help HIS parents, I would suggest a home with an unattached guest house or Casita.  He would still be on the property to assist his parents (if necessary) but still retain his privacy.

I can guarantee you will be miserable if you move into a house with HIS family.  At 23 and 25, you guys should be having fun and enjoying each other, not living with his family.

Can I ask why you are still living at home (with your parents) at 25??  Why haven't you found a small apartment or flat (by yourself)??

I was housesharing for a little while but could no longer afford it with part time work if I wanted to eventually own a home. I've been saving for a future holiday and I was thinking of a home loan with him in time (something I didn't directly say), but now that kind of seems to be blowing up in front of me. 

 

Believe me, I never wanted to be 25 and at home.

[Gaeta]

Part of it is cultural. I have 2 very good Chinese friends and they both have several properties they have optain the same way. They start with one, get a second one they move in and eventually there will be a 3rd one. All of the family members put money in, and most of the time the parents invest the most even if the house is to their children's name. Makes me smile that he speaks of this has *his* plan, it's a family plan. Let him (them) do their things. The good news is that eventually he will want to buy a home with you and only you. 

[smackie9]

You stay right where you are, and never commingle finances/investments of any kind with him. If this is what he wants to do let him. You two are not married and have plenty of time to finish school, get a career, then discuss future plans. Right now he's thinking this could save some money for the future. You don't have to be a part of it...continue on living with your parents until you are ready to afford your own accommodations. TBH I don't see the rush to live together if you are still in school. This situation isn't forever, maybe for a couple of years. By then things can be reassessed, and you two can change the course of your future plans.

Edited June 10, 2020 by smackie9

[mark clemson]

This isn't the point in question, but do yourself a favor and don't marry this guy until you're sure there's reasonably good alignment between what he actually wants out of life and what you actually want out of life.