Relationship challenge - how to work through it. or just forget about it

[fluidian]

Hey All,

 

It's been a while and I'm in what I would generally describe a great relationship - we've been living together for a while now.  My view is that it's generally pretty equal and healthy, I try to support her whenever I can, be it grabbing food for us, taking time off from work to spend time together, asking about her friends and acquaintances, encourage her at work, etc.  I try to be good, but I'm by no means perfect, and she certainly reciprocates as well...

 

Anyhow, an ongoing challenge is dinner.  It's usually not a problem, but on occasion I revert to my singleton mode and just quickly toss something together for myself, generally shortly after she had mentioned she's not hungry.  I just cook, I don't mention it, and then she gets super upset, or perhaps disappointed is better, that I didn't ask her if she wanted any.  I know I should ask her (and I usually do), but this happens once every 4-6 months (i.e. I generally go a pretty good job including).   She quickly forgets everything I do for her, and this is the singular topic, and I can't really say or do anything to help smooth it out, so I basically regress to just letting her do her own thing for the evening and then it's usually business as usual the next day.

 

This clearly just happened this evening, which is why I'm writing - it makes me feel awful, to the point where I can't eat what I just made, as I get her point about not thinking about her.  That said - I offer to make food for her when she mentions it, but that doesn't help.  

 

This isn't a question of whether or not this she's over reacting, or whether or not I made a mistake - I know I made a mistake in this situation and I know it hurts her, even if I don't quite appreciate why it hurts her so much.  I don't need to fully understand the why behind her response - I appreciate that it's irksome for her.  That said - has anyone else had a similar experience [it doesn't need to be food related]?  And if yes, how did you work through it?  The frequency has certainly declined, so it's evident [at least to me] I'm trying to get better in response to her needs, but how have you been successful at de-escalating this type of scenario?  While I try to get better about this, I'm sure it will continue to happen on occasion, so it would be great to hear your tips and tricks if you have any.

 

Thanks! 

[d0nnivain]

When you make food for yourself, any food, just make more so there is enough if she wants some.  Whenever I make food, I give some to DH.  It makes me crazy when he doesn't do the same or at least ask.  His failure to offer makes me feel like he doesn't care.  If course I know he cares but bugs me.  That is probably;;ly how your GF feels.  It's really not that hard to make extra.  

[CaliforniaGirl]

Sit down with her to honestly discuss it. This is a trigger for her. (Don't say that, though.) Ask her what it is about forgetting to do this that makes her feel this hurt because you want to work it out.

There's no way this is just about one missed dinner every 4-6 months. 

 

[Blind-Sided]

I agree with @CaliforniaGirl on this.  A missed dinner over several months is not really the trigger... there is something deeper. You will want to talk about it with her.

Personally... if I'm "making" food... I ask everyone in the house. I guess I'm in a little different position since I have young kids.  Meals are a little more regimented.   But, none the less... the offer is put out. But... if it's a "Grab-n-go" kind of thing... then I wouldn't ask. (a snack)

[ShyViolet]

This is 100% a lack of communication.  Instead of assuming she won't want any because she had mentioned earlier that she's not hungry, you should actually say "hey I'm going to make food.  Do you want me to make you some too?"  This would be kind of difficult for me too, I am like you, I tend to just make food for myself and I'm not in the habit of always asking that.  But if you know that this is her hot-button issue, then always explicitly ask, to avoid this problem.

[schlumpy]

I have seen many cartoons about this over the years that usually involves a woman wanting just a bite. "I don't want the whole thing. I just want a bite." Although I have encountered the same situation, I didn't realize how common it must be.

It usually starts out with me asking my wife what she wants to eat. The answer is "I'm not hungry, I'll eat some yogurt later."

Satisfied that I had performed my duty as a caring husband, I then proceed to reheat some of the spaghetti from last night. I take the steaming bowl with melted cheese and make the mistake of plopping myself down on the couch next to the wife.

In a few minutes I notice I'm getting side glances. The warning radar starts to get active. Then she does her opening gambit, "Did you make enough for me?"

This happens so often it's like we read from a script. I express irritation. She accuses me of being selfish. I offer to fix something for her. She says she only wants a bite and not the whole thing. At the end of the script I pass her the plate.

It's almost like a ritual although I don't know what kind of comfort it provides.

I think I know where the problem lies as minor as it is. I had four siblings and my wife is an only child. I grew up protecting what little I had. Sometimes not very successfully. So maybe she has a point about selfishness although I see it as keeping something on the tray just for myself.

Happy to see that this common.

 

 

[spiderowl]

I'm surprised that you forget to just ask if her if she'd like some food too.  It's not difficult.  Once you have asked her and she has said no, you do your own thing and there should not be a problem.  Why would you forget that she's there?

[schlumpy]

21 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

I'm surprised that you forget to just ask if her if she'd like some food too.  It's not difficult.  Once you have asked her and she has said no, you do your own thing and there should not be a problem.  Why would you forget that she's there?

It must have something to do with my myopic nature.

It's good to hear from you Spider.

[spiderowl]

Lol, I meant how could the OP forget his partner was there schlumpy

[schlumpy]

I can see you are calling me out. I know she's on the couch. It's where we usually eat. I'm never surprised when she asks for a bite. The only thread of suspense is how long will it take her to ask. 

It's all a part of a lifetime pattern. We do familiar things together to create familiar memories. It keeps the focus on us.

Rains coming soon. Another hot night ahead.

Looks like a lost summer Spider. The virus has flipped everything upside down.

[basil67]

If it were me, after my partner says they aren't hungry, I reply with something like "I'm making some food soon, are you going to want any?"    So the whole conversation happens not when I'm about to cook, but when they say they aren't hungry.

[schlumpy]

But Basil, she only wants a bite.

There was a guy at my workplace that had a real problem with sharing his food. He wouldn't even share a French fry. He couldn't explain why he felt that way. I found it curious but not alarming. People have their quirks and it's better not to delve to deeply.