Experiencing abuse, yet I can't get myself to leave. Why is this?

[maryjohanna]

my current bf is emotionally & psychologically abusive. I know it. but I can't get myself to walk away. I feel so beaten down and exhausted and just scared to leave. I don't even know myself why I struggle to just walk away sometimes, even though I KNOW and am AWARE that I need to do it. to start, we've been dating for about 2 years and started out as close friends. there weren't any signs early on of any abuse, but they showed up quickly and I just ignored them for whatever reason. my ex, who I was dating before him, stayed in touch with me just to check in [we were really close], and my current bf got so mad about it that he forced me to block him on everything. I noticed that he would get angry at me over really small, little things. to start, I think I lost my best friends bc of him. they weren't big fans of him, they noticed we fought a lot, and when we weren't together, id be on my phone texting him all the time bc he wanted to know what I was doing constantly. eventually, all my time was with my bf and my friends just moved on; there were ups and downs with us all, but in the end we all stopped talking.

the first summer we were together, I had to go back to college over the summer for job training; that same week, my bf invited me to the beach but I said no bc of my training. he got mad at me and told me I chose a job over him. he still uses it against me. many situations like that have happened since. he will take my phone, look through it, check my screen time and asks randomly if we are apart for screenshots of my phone. he tells me he does this because of ME and that he can't trust me. if I go out to run an errand or get food, he wants to know what males are around and if theyre our age, or if I think theyre attractive. when at school, if he sees me looking somewhere and a guy [just so happens to be] in that direction, he will accuse me of checking them out when I wasn't. when we watch movies, he'll get agitated if there's a shirtless male and I don't "look away like I should." he gets weird when I wear makeup [mostly when we are apart] bc he thinks I do it for other men. he asks what im wearing every single day and depending on his opinion, will ask why im "dressed" up. there is so much that makes him mad, I am probably forgetting some things just typing this. things have gotten progressively worse. when we've been around his friends or his family, he gets mad at me if I look at a male cousin or friend and he thinks its me liking them. when I try to be friendly and get along with those who are close to him, he thinks im being flirtatious and really just wants me to stay quiet. we can't hang out with his friends bc he just doesn't "trust" me around them ~ it was so bad, that one night we were hanging out with some girls and his guy friends - I was quiet the whole night and when one of his friends asked me something, I smiled and made a joke ~ my bf got so mad he threatened to leave me there and told me to find a ride. [he ultiatmely took me home]

I could go on for days about details, but the things that bother me the most is the way he speaks to me. he has called me every name in the book - b*tch, hoe, whore, slut, loser, idiot, *etard, a**hole, bastard - he throws insults at me [every time we argue] about my maturity, how annoying I am, how pathetic I get - he mocks me when I cry, tells me to shut the **ck up.. all of it. he will break up with me one night and get me so low, and the next morning wake up like everything is fine and apologize. everything, EVERYTHING, is always my fault. he always has something to complain about or say. if I express that anything is bothering me, he tells me im playing the victim, having a pity party, or feeling sorry for myself. he has even told me he thinks of other girls and wants to be with other people or that other girls would be better to him than me. when I ask him why he says that, he tells me he does it bc "that is the only way ill be quiet and see his side."  he blocks me whenever we argue and backs me into a corner so to speak. he eventually will unblock me once I pretty much give in and just agree with him. my parents notice the behavior and have overheard our phone calls bc they've gotten heated and I cry [and I live at home]; they don't like him at all and he doesn't like them. he talks bad about my parents a lot. its a bad position. occasionally, he puts his hands over my face when we argue, he has thrown pillows at me, pushed me once or twice ~ he has never slapped or punched me, but he has done certain things that are getting to be physical. this doesn't happen often though at all.

ive just been worn out and so beaten down; one day is really good and he is great and a gentleman and wonderful and funny, then the next he is as I described. for a long time, I just took it and accepted it because my self esteem and worth have been so low, and they still are. I feel guilty, I feel ashamed, im insecure, etc. but being at home during COVID has made me think of a lot and I realize just how terrible this relationship is and I can't live like this forever. I am depressed every day, im sad, and I sleep a lot because I just don't want to deal with whatever the day's drama will be. I have gained so much clarity.. I miss my friends and my ex [who was my best friend] and the people who truly made me happy. I miss being myself and having freedom. I have tried opening up to people about this online, but ive been told that its MY fault im in this situation, im a loser for choosing him, im dumb, etc. I feel so at fault for being in this position. I know that this is bad for me, but WHY IS IT that I cannot seem to just walk away??? I don't get it. I tell myself each day I need to, but I can't. I don't have friends, all I have is my family. can someone help me?

Edited June 10, 2020 by maryjohanna

[LivingWaterPlease]

Do you live with your parents or have your own place?

You can leave but you won't. Only you know why you won't do it. You know that you deserve better. And there are better men out there that you could date.

It seems to me you may have low self esteem. Can you get into counseling to find out why you're allowing yourself to be emotionally abused?

Edited June 10, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[maryjohanna]

I live with my parents. My bf lives about 30 minutes away. I actually have been seeing a therapist and started recently opening up to her about the relationship. I just don't know what my problem is like...I know the behavior is not okay. Yet, ive had times where ive tried to justify his behavior, and that's not okay either. I just can't get myself to walk away. And its scaring me. There are people I want to reconnect with, mainly myself. And I feel like im wasting my life and time and energy, yet day after day, I just stay. I am a people pleaser for sure. I always want to make people happy and be the best I can be to whoever im close with. I don know if I feel like I want to do everything I can to be enough or what... I just don't know. @LivingWaterPlease

Edited June 10, 2020 by maryjohanna

[maryjohanna]

6 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

It seems to me you may have low self esteem.

Yes, I do. And I admit that. I feel ashamed for being that way, but I do. I just have a tendency to feel like the people I care about are my whole world. And if I see it failing, I cling to it more because I want to salvage it. I I have been in 3 serious relationships - only one of them was truly healthy for me, and it was the one before this one. The first relationship was for 3-4 years when I was in high school and I truly tried to be everything for him bc his home life was terrible. I have never truly just put myself first before; my last relationship [before this one] is the one that I felt truly uplifted me, because my ex was just amazing to me. But, I need to learn to be independent and learn to take care of me. But I have been in a place of pleasing people for so long now, it is like I almost can't walk away and disrupt the pattern.

[LivingWaterPlease]

It's good that you're seeing a therapist. And you stated you're a people pleaser. You need to learn that you're a "people" and please yourself by getting away from this jerk. Sorry, that's what he is. 

For me, I'm a spiritual person and I pray to God about things. He's helped me get out of relationships in the past that I knew I shouldn't be in but was too comfortable to pull the plug. I don't know of your beliefs, but I would suggest praying about the issues. And asking God for strength to get out of the relationship. 

[maryjohanna]

I just feel rushed too. I feel embarrassed that I have allowed myself to get to this position, and I blame myself. Don't say sorry for calling him that ~ I know that he is to me. This is very clearly a "meant to be" interaction because I am a Christian and love Jesus with all my heart. I have strayed from my faith for a while now, and as I have reflected about this situation and gained clarity about just how bad this relationship is, I have regained my interest in God. I have been praying lately, studying Scripture and my faith has been a part of me each and every day for a while now. I pray that God helps me walk away and gives me the strength, as you said. I just am carrying a lot of guilt as well with how I treated my friends and my ex; I really wasn't right to them and I feel terrible for it. There are so many emotions and feelings associated with this that it is tiring just to think about it sometimes. @LivingWaterPlease

[LivingWaterPlease]

maryjohanna, this is my first chance to be on LS since I last posted. I wish I'd been able to get on earlier today and answer your post. Being a Christian is a journey and Jesus loves you with all of His heart, too! Keep praying and studying the scriptures. You will get out of this for sure if you do! God has gotten me out of bad relationships before and on to better things! God wants only to bless you with the best. I'll be back to check on you should you post again! 

[maryjohanna]

On 6/11/2020 at 2:05 AM, LivingWaterPlease said:

You will get out of this for sure if you do! God has gotten me out of bad relationships before and on to better things! God wants only to bless you with the best.

I have sought guidance on various forums and a lot of people make it seem so easy ~ I had someone call me a loser and dumb and blamed me for the abuse, saying it is my fault that I am in this position. I carry a lot of guilt about why I am where I am. It is just really hard to find the strength and personal steadiness to just walk away. I will definitely continue to pray about it and study His Word. I know the only way ill fully walk away and heal is because of God and His work on me. Thank you for everything!

[S2B]

You know how you do it? You just do it! And if needed you get a restraining order!

and you tell your parents your concerns - then you work to build a future for yourself so you never, ever have to depend on anyone but yourself to support you.

work with your counselor on what a healthy boundary looks like - one that keeps you happy, healthy and safe!

abd when anyone crosses that boundary - that’s your clue to eliminate anyone toxic from your life.

you gotta learn to set a standard FOR YOURSELF. Then do not bend to accommodate someone who Is unacceptable.

ask your parents to help you be strong and courageous. 
keep posting - hugs 

[basil67]

18 minutes ago, maryjohanna said:

I have sought guidance on various forums and a lot of people make it seem so easy ~ I had someone call me a loser and dumb and blamed me for the abuse, saying it is my fault that I am in this position.

That poster was out of line.    Let's break down what that they said:  "You are a loser, you are dumb and this is your fault".   It's exactly the type of thing an abuser says.   That poster was an abuser. 

It is not your fault that you're in this position.  If it was this easy to walk away from an abuser, no people would be married to someone who abuses them.  I've seen formerly confident people who say "I never thought I could end in this position".  In short, we all like to think we can tell an abuser to F off at the first red flag, but the reality for so many is far more complex.  

Keep up the therapy.  If you're online, block anyone who abuses you.  Surround yourself with strength and love of those who care for you.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 6/9/2020 at 8:47 PM, maryjohanna said:

Experiencing abuse, yet I can't get myself to leave. Why is this?

 

Concisely

... because it is SO difficult to separate the following two things: 

 

HIM-him...

 

and/from

 

Your own emotional INVESTMENT IN him...

 

 

He... (is surely a loser - although I didn't read the details)

 

BUT...   your own brave emotional INVESTMENT IN (another)...   is something to be praised and valued, firstly BY YOU.

 

This is like the stock market...  where for some random reason YOU purchased a stock at $100 a share

 

it dropped down to $93... but you're committed for the long haul, so you didn't flinch...

 

then it went down to $80... 

then it went down to $65...

 

(and soon you were saying to yourself:   "The ONLY WAY I can get even on this investment  is to stick it out and wait until it rises again" )

 

...  before long it teased you a bit, and went up to $71...  

and then it went into freefall...  hitting $49...  and then $38   (yet still the only way you can get even on THIS investment is to stay with it)

 

What is difficult to appreciate... is that you still have $38 worth of (everything you've got)   to  ** invest  **    in a fully deserving, and fully appreciative person.

(but you can't make that new, promising investment until you sell this failing stock !!) 

 

 

 

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 6/13/2020 at 4:06 AM, maryjohanna said:

I have sought guidance on various forums and a lot of people make it seem so easy ~ I had someone call me a loser and dumb and blamed me for the abuse, saying it is my fault that I am in this position. I carry a lot of guilt about why I am where I am. It is just really hard to find the strength and personal steadiness to just walk away. I will definitely continue to pray about it and study His Word. I know the only way ill fully walk away and heal is because of God and His work on me. Thank you for everything!

I'm sorry you're carrying guilt about where you are. What you need is love and healing. Maybe in the past you've been criticized by those who should have supported you. But you can heal from this and be very strong and happy!

You're getting some good support from others on here! 

I could have written your posts. It's been very hard for me to get out of relationships, even abusive ones. But I've healed through a maturing relationship with Jesus Christ, which does include staying connected daily through scripture and prayer, as we've both written about. I've gotten love from Him I've not gotten anywhere else and He has intervened through circumstances to get me out of relationships I never thought I could. However, also pray for strength when He gets you out of the relationships because somehow the relationship you can't get out of is a crutch; a crutch you don't need but that you gravitate to for unhealthy reasons.

As you heal and grow in Christ you'll find you don't need whatever these unhealthy relationships are giving you. You'll find you're strong and confident and that you aren't attracted to anyone who is trying to get you into an abusive relationship.

 

 

Edited June 15, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[Datergirl]

I've been where you are. Knowing the way I was being treated was wrong, feeling like I wanted out of the relationship due to the abuse but not being able to. 

It wasn't until he physically attacked me, left bruises and scratches on my face, that I realised it couldn't go on. Please don't let that be you. You deserve more.

You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Yes he may say he loves you but actions speak louder. 

I had to go cold turkey and blocked him everywhere. Ask your friends and family for help with this. As they already dont like him I'm sure they will be happy to help you. 

I looked at what my life would be like if I stayed with this man and it wasn't good. As yourself, is this really the life you want? 

 

[Acacia98]

I can relate to what you're saying: being in a really terrible situation, knowing I need to get out and wanting to get out but being unable to do it. You know what it was that ultimately helped me to get out? It was developing an understanding of the psychology behind his behavior and the psychology behind my behavior. Once I was able to understand why he did what he did and why I responded as I did, and once I was able to recognize his manipulation for what it was as it was happening, he lost his hold over me. The fear and paralysis went away. The logical side of me was able to take over and do what needed to be done to get me out of there.

I don't know if it would work similarly for you, but it's worth a try. I think you're already making progress, truth be told. That you're going for counselling is good. That you recognize the situation is bad and want to get out is good. That you recognize that your low self-esteem is a factor and realize that you sometimes defend him when you shouldn't is also good. That you're here seeking assistance is good. All of this means you're developing a strong sense of self-awareness. I think you're on the right path.

If I can find some suitable resources, I'll share them with you.

Edited June 21, 2020 by Acacia98
Correcting a typo

[amaysngrace]

You know how to walk away?  Walk forward.  

Then what’s present will become your past.  

But you have to walk forward, you can’t stay still.

[spiderowl]

It sounds to me like you have separation anxiety, that the feeling of separating from or cutting someone off would have terrible consequences. In most cases it doesn’t. People heal and move on. Where abuse is involved, separating can be a risky business, but that is why it is so important to work out a way to do this, to have a plan. 

Write down a plan. How are you actually going to leave him. Will you tell him? No reason at all why you can’t just text him and say it’s over, that you don’t want him to contact you any more. Expect complaints, anger, tears, and maybe threats. Take any threats to yourself seriously but ignore any threats that he may self harm, he is just trying to control you.

You don’t have to continue with this relationship. You can end it now. You don’t have to please him or make him happy; it’s not your responsibility. He forfeits any kind of care from you because of his abusive behaviour. 

I do wonder whether some women in abusive relationships are actually under the effect of some kind of hypnotic suggestion. There is a proportion of the population that are more susceptible to this than others. You may benefit from seeing a qualified hypnotist and telling them how you feel powerless to end the relationship. I do not mean that your boyfriend actually hypnotised you but that sometimes people can be vulnerable to authoritative and dominant voices. It sounds like your boyfriend has certainly tried to dominate you so in a way you need to get out of that invisible prison he has set up in your mind. 

It is possible to escape and find your own strength. Picture yourself smashing the cage and throwing him out of your life. Imagine he has gone and left you in peace.  You will have a much better future.

[d0nnivain]

On 6/9/2020 at 11:47 PM, maryjohanna said:

all I have is my family. can someone help me?

You have your family.  That is more then some people have.  You are living at home during Covid.  Use that time to your advantage.  Make a pot of tea & sit down & talk to your mom.  Tell her what your BF has been doing.  Explain that you know you need to get away from him but that you are unable to do it on your own.  Ask her for her help & her strength.  

Your parents will help you keep the BF at bay if he comes around begging for another chance.  He will probably spew a lot of venom at you for finally having the courage to take your life back.  Understand he will be LYING.  Do not listen to him or let him sway you. 

You also have your therapist.  Rely on that person. 

Since God is important to you, pray.  Ask God to give you strength & wisdom.  You have to know with His help anything is possible.  

You can do this.  You just have to take those 1st few steps.   Once you are free of him, you can reconnect with your friends.   There are rewards for being brave.  

Good luck.