Denimstars Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 Firstly, hello and thanks for reading my thread. My boyfriend (5 years together) has been away with work for the past 3 months and has 3 more to go. It’s been totally cool, communication has been good between us, he misses me everyday, but sadly we’ve now had an argument. It was a very one sided argument, he sort of just let rip at me and wasn’t listening to anything I was saying. I suppose I should have seen the signs beforehand, he had previously told me he was very hot (due to the weather) and had been sat in an office for the whole day. The argument started just before dinner time. He probably wasn’t in the best of moods. The argument started when he messaged me in response to something I’d said and it made no sense, it was full of typos and I just felt like he was rushing his replies to me. Anyway, I said in response to his garbled message, “you’re rushing your responses to me”. Well of course, that was a mistake wasn’t it! He took my message totally the wrong way, which is unlike him. He accused me of accusing him of talking to other girls. I never once said this, not during this conversation anyway. I admit I have asked questions in the past; I’m not sure why I have as I know he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. Back to the argument, he also told me he was “fed up of it”, he “hasn’t done anything and never will”, he’s “bored of messages that have jealous undertones” and “maybe I should just chat to other girls”. This went on not for very long and since then I haven’t heard from him. He has totally ignored my response and I haven’t heard from him for a day now. When we’ve had an argument before like this (which is very rare) he will usually ignore me or give me ‘the silent treatment’... and it hurts. I can currently feel the anxiety building up in me because I know that’s what is going to happen. I don’t want to be ignored. Why does he ignore me? To give some clarification on the past accusing him of chatting to other girls: yes I have done this. I think I do it more than I realise and I totally understand why that hurts him. He has this one female friend who chats to him, but whenever I ask if he’s heard from her I get very vague responses and sometimes he lies. Perhaps this is why I accuse? I noticed she was online yesterday when he sent his garbled message. I’m not sure what to do now other than wait. I can’t say anymore as he’s ignoring me. I have been there for him these past few months and I feel so hurt by this. I’m totally blaming myself for the situation I now find myself in. If anyone could offer any advice on this, why he’s now ignoring me and what I can do, that would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 (edited) It's hard when you are apart but you have to learn not to discuss emotional things or argue via text. Texting is for pithy quick, one shots not meaningful communication. You know this silent treatment BS is his habit. You will have to break him of this if you are to ever have a meaningful future but you can't even start on that while he's away. Do you have an address for him or his company? Assuming it's safe to do so, go to the store. Buy a nice apology card. . . an actual greeting card for which you spend money. Find something that expresses your regret that you two fought. Add a personal message about looking forward to his homecoming & mail it to him. If you are a baker send him some cookies. If you aren't a great baker, even the slice & heat dough logs will do the trick. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Then vow you will never again engage in emotionally laden conversations via text. Pick up the phone. Use face time, zoom , skype or any other platform where you can see each other. 90% of communication is non-verbal. You lose sooooooo much in a text or email. Stop relying on that platform. Edited June 10, 2020 by d0nnivain 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Denimstars Posted June 10, 2020 Author Share Posted June 10, 2020 Thanks d0nnivain. I should have mentioned I have sent him notecards over the past 3 months as they’re his favourite. I’ve also sent his favourite granola bars. I will send another note to say I’m sorry we have fought. Thanks for that idea. You’re right, the silent treatment is his BS habit. I wouldn’t do it to him, it just doesn’t sit right with me. Being on the receiving end isn’t nice. I feel pretty damn anxious. Arguing via text isn’t great. We never argue at home. You can’t read emotions over text and that’s what I struggled with when it all happened. Plus he didn’t listen to a word I had to say to try and resolve the situation. It was all verbal vomit from his behalf until he decided to ignore me. I’ve still not heard anything. Other than sending the notecard, what should I do? Just wait? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 What else can you do if he won't respond to you? Add a plea like please call me in the missive 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 He blew up at you for simply saying "you're rushing your responses to me"? And then accused you of saying he was chatting with other girls when you never said that? He sounds a little irrational and unbalanced. I don't think you should beg him for forgiveness, he sounds like the one who is acting borderline abusive. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Denimstars Posted June 10, 2020 Author Share Posted June 10, 2020 Thanks ShyViolet. My point exactly. I did go on to explain he made typos, hence my message. But hey! After thinking about it throughout today, I think he had a bad day. But still no excuse to let rip at me and then ignore me. The whole one sided argument was irrational and totally not needed. Still being ignored... Makes me feel rubbish! Link to post Share on other sites
Fresh_Start Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 8 hours ago, d0nnivain said: It's hard when you are apart but you have to learn not to discuss emotional things or argue via text. Texting is for pithy quick, one shots not meaningful communication. Amen to this. My ex gf (and now ex friend too) refused to have conversations like normal, mature adults do and resorted to texts and emails for every "emotional" discussion or argument. She even broke up with me in an email -- twice -- and then faulted me when I eventually got pissed off or replied with some long winded response. All it ever did was create fights that never happened in person or over the phone, frustration, anxiety, and eventually anger. Let that serve as a precautionary tale, OP, because it will destroy your relationship and drive you crazy if it's habitual. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 He ignores you and gives you the silent treatment because he is insecure, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. Not a good relationship prospect, OP. He wants you to cave and extend the olive branch and kiss his ass with apologies. He wants the power over you. Here's the thing -- if he isn't interested in communicating and mutually resolving conflicts, if he wants you to prostrate yourself to him before he's comfortable enough with the upper hand to start trickling validation to you once again, and you allow this, his silent treatment will escalate into full-blown emotional abuse. Honestly, I would start considering an exit. Have some respect for yourself. Don't tolerate this BS. Don't beg him to communicate like a mature adult. Be willing to walk away. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
manfrombelow Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 7 hours ago, rjc149 said: He ignores you and gives you the silent treatment because he is insecure, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. Not a good relationship prospect, OP. He wants you to cave and extend the olive branch and kiss his ass with apologies. He wants the power over you. Here's the thing -- if he isn't interested in communicating and mutually resolving conflicts, if he wants you to prostrate yourself to him before he's comfortable enough with the upper hand to start trickling validation to you once again, and you allow this, his silent treatment will escalate into full-blown emotional abuse. Honestly, I would start considering an exit. Have some respect for yourself. Don't tolerate this BS. Don't beg him to communicate like a mature adult. Be willing to walk away. I have nothing more to contribute to this thread. This comment from RJC is perfect. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 14, 2020 Share Posted June 14, 2020 You don't need an answer as to why he's ignoring you, because you've explained pretty well why he is and that it's a pattern of his in response to conflict. The silent treatment is a very toxic and also emotionally manipulative and at times emotionally abusive response to conflict, its only aim is to punish and hurt the other person rather than come towards resolution. And of course, it's working. You're hurt, anxious, unsure and needing to ask for help around this. It also works really well on people who have anxious tendencies and fear their relationships ending more than they are willing to be assertive and have boundaries. My advice is: don't accept this behavior. Message him letting him know that it's normal to disagree and fight, or even ask for space to cool down, but it is unacceptable to blatantly ignore your partner or give them the silent treatment. I'd share that this is not healthy for you and you won't tolerate it anymore. Now of course, you have to mean this for yourself. I'm not saying instantly break up, but you really do want to value yourself and also have a partner who is willing to learn healthier behaviors or you can choose to continue with this kind of thing indefinitely. My choice would be to do the former. Speak directly about its impact and suggest a time when you can talk about things and how you can handle conflict going forward in a better way. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted June 14, 2020 Share Posted June 14, 2020 (edited) On 6/10/2020 at 7:08 PM, rjc149 said: He ignores you and gives you the silent treatment because he is insecure, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. Not a good relationship prospect, OP. He wants you to cave and extend the olive branch and kiss his ass with apologies. He wants the power over you. Here's the thing -- if he isn't interested in communicating and mutually resolving conflicts, if he wants you to prostrate yourself to him before he's comfortable enough with the upper hand to start trickling validation to you once again, and you allow this, his silent treatment will escalate into full-blown emotional abuse. Honestly, I would start considering an exit. Have some respect for yourself. Don't tolerate this BS. Don't beg him to communicate like a mature adult. Be willing to walk away. This!!^^ For God's sake, don't go rewarding him for shyt behaviour by sending a card and cookies! Please! I know it's what we've been taught. Take the blame and "make nice." It's why so many men continue this BS shyt behaviour. Gaslighting. Listen to rjc, he's a man and he knows what's happening. Edited June 14, 2020 by poppyfields 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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