I broke up with my boyfriend although I love him dearly

[MessedUpSister]

Hey there, folks!

The title pretty much sums up the story, but here is the longer version. I just want to say in advance that English is not my mother tongue, so please excuse the mistakes I make.

I'd been in a five year long relationship with the first love of my life when I decided to end things. He is the sweetest, most loving person, but somehow not loving enough for me, I guess. During these five years, we shared amazing, perfect moments together which I miss terribly.

The highs of our relationship were really high, but the lows were underground level... for me, at least. I have always felt that, in order to be completely satisfied with my relationship, the love we shared would need to be strong enough to overcome all obstacles. And what I mean by that isn't making up after fights, but not having the fights in the first place. I know, it sounds like an impossible fairytale, even I am aware of that. But I just feel down to my bones that this is the kind of love I need: one that keeps the partners in the same team no matter the circumstances, one that is based on 24/7 patience, trust and understanding. And we just did not share that kind of love. No matter how happy I was thanks to him in our good days, in the bad ones something always came up between us... big or small, but it was still there. I know that it takes two to have a fight, but somehow I've always felt betrayed by him in those moments. Most of our fights were because of his personal problems which affected him in such a way that he lost hope and, therefore, refused my help... hence we were not acting as a team anymore, so I felt betrayed and hurt.

These five years I've always hoped it would get better, but it didn't. My love for him grew, but the fights were still there and my faith still broke whenever they happened.

So here I am... not even a week into our breakup and I already feel like I can't take it anymore. The amount of doubt over my decision is incredible and every little thing I experience reminds me of the love I lost. Even though I know it's for the best, I definitely don't feel it.

If anyone had the time and patience to read my text till the end and has felt anything mildly relatable, I would appreciate it very much if you shared your story. Also, if you have any advice on how to make peace with the decision I made, I would love to hear it.

Thank you in advance! I wish you all the best.

[schlumpy]

To get over it you go no contact as long as it takes for your love to transform into indifference.

Do not be optimistic about the future. The relationship bar you have set for yourself is very high. Very few people will be able to live up to your standards. In retrospect you may come to discover that by breaking up with your boyfriend, you were kinder to him to you were to yourself.

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, MessedUpSister said:

The amount of doubt over my decision is incredible and every little thing I experience reminds me of the love I lost. Even though I know it's for the best, I definitely don't feel it.

I divorced my husband years ago, also for the best, and I still miss aspects of the relationship.

All I can say is I knw I did the right thing, and you do too.

Be really kind to yourself, nurture yourself, that's what I do when I'm going through a rough patch with anything.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[MessedUpSister]

@schlumpy and @Ellener thank you so much for your kind words!

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, MessedUpSister said:

it sounds like an impossible fairytale, even I am aware of that. But I just feel down to my bones that this is the kind of love I need: one that keeps the partners in the same team no matter the circumstances, one that is based on 24/7 patience, trust and understanding.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment here. 

Humans aren't that perfect. There are going to ups and downs and times when you and your partner rub each other the wrong way. Expecting things to be smooth all the time, every day, every month, every year is going to bring you a lot of internal strife as you battle against reality. 

It doesn't necessarily mean your boyfriend was the right guy for you. It seems you were unhappy and ended it because you didn't want to string him along, which was the right thing to do. However, I wonder why you have such unrealistic expectations for a relationship. Where do you think that comes from? 

[snowboy91]

9 hours ago, MessedUpSister said:

I have always felt that, in order to be completely satisfied with my relationship, the love we shared would need to be strong enough to overcome all obstacles. And what I mean by that isn't making up after fights, but not having the fights in the first place. I know, it sounds like an impossible fairytale, even I am aware of that. But I just feel down to my bones that this is the kind of love I need: one that keeps the partners in the same team no matter the circumstances, one that is based on 24/7 patience, trust and understanding.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way, but it's this bit here that I find quite unrealistic. Firstly - conflict is a part of virtually every human relationship (be it a friendship or romantic relationship), and is unavoidable. Thus (and this is my second point), if you're not having disagreements, someone (or both) will be hiding some emotions at some point in time. Which is worse, because this erodes trust. Ultimately it's not about not having fights, it's how you fight that matters (standing up for yourself while respecting the other, and finding solutions together).

All of that being said, if things "kept coming up" between you then it is possible that you two just don't quite align right. And that's not a reflection on you or him - we're all complex beings and it's incredibly difficult for every facet of our personalities to be compatible with another person - and we often don't work that out until years down the track.

[MessedUpSister]

3 hours ago, snowboy91 said:

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way, but it's this bit here that I find quite unrealistic. Firstly - conflict is a part of virtually every human relationship (be it a friendship or romantic relationship), and is unavoidable. Thus (and this is my second point), if you're not having disagreements, someone (or both) will be hiding some emotions at some point in time. Which is worse, because this erodes trust. Ultimately it's not about not having fights, it's how you fight that matters (standing up for yourself while respecting the other, and finding solutions together).

All of that being said, if things "kept coming up" between you then it is possible that you two just don't quite align right. And that's not a reflection on you or him - we're all complex beings and it's incredibly difficult for every facet of our personalities to be compatible with another person - and we often don't work that out until years down the track.

That is exactly how I think: it's how you fight that matters. I realize now I may have not chosen the corect terms in my original post. I don't expect a relationship with no disagreements whatsoever, but I do want a relationship where both partners are on the same side: them against the problem, not against each other. "Fight" to me implies disrespect, anger and lack of empathy... and I want to believe these things can be avoided.

Thank you for your kind words!

[MessedUpSister]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You are setting yourself up for disappointment here. 

Humans aren't that perfect. There are going to ups and downs and times when you and your partner rub each other the wrong way. Expecting things to be smooth all the time, every day, every month, every year is going to bring you a lot of internal strife as you battle against reality. 

It doesn't necessarily mean your boyfriend was the right guy for you. It seems you were unhappy and ended it because you didn't want to string him along, which was the right thing to do. However, I wonder why you have such unrealistic expectations for a relationship. Where do you think that comes from? 

I guess I need that kind of constant in my life. The world is already messed up, but knowing there is a person who will always be kind to you can make it better. I tend to believe us humans need this type of kindness in order to shed our screwed up skin and become our greatest selves.

Thank you for your kind words!

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, MessedUpSister said:

I guess I need that kind of constant in my life. The world is already messed up, but knowing there is a person who will always be kind to you can make it better. I tend to believe us humans need this type of kindness in order to shed our screwed up skin and become our greatest selves.

Being kind is one thing, and yes, our partners should treat us with kindness and respect.  

Expecting 24-7 synergy with your partner is another. You won't always see eye-to-eye on everything, unless you're dating your clone. You will sometimes lose patience with each other. Problems can be resolved together, of course, and there's certainly no need to treat someone poorly. But the way you're wording it makes it sounds like you have a zero-conflict expectation, and the wish for 24-7 smooth waters - which is what you're likely going to struggle with in all relationships, if that is in fact what you expect and seek. 

Maybe you can clarify more, since some us appear to be misunderstanding what you mean: how did you and your ex fight? Was there yelling? Stone-walling? Angry words? What sorts of things did you fight about?

Edited June 11, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[MessedUpSister]

30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Being kind is one thing, and yes, our partners should treat us with kindness and respect.  

Expecting 24-7 synergy with your partner is another. You won't always see eye-to-eye on everything, unless you're dating your clone. You will sometimes lose patience with each other. Problems can be resolved together, of course, and there's certainly no need to treat someone poorly. But the way you're wording it makes it sounds like you have a zero-conflict expectation, and the wish for 24-7 smooth waters - which is what you're likely going to struggle with in all relationships, if that is in fact what you expect and seek. 

Maybe you can clarify more, since some us appear to be misunderstanding what you mean: how did you and your ex fight? Was there yelling? Stone-walling? Angry words? What sorts of things did you fight about?

Angry words, bitterness, sarcasm meant to hurt the other person, over-generalization which would later on turn out to be false, refusal to take into account the other's opinion (which would, again, later turn out not to have been a good idea), basically doing all the wrong things in the heat of the moment and then, after hours or even days, apologizing for it. We went through this cycle over and over again: narrow-sighted vision accompanied by anger, then followed by an apology after the damage was done.

Whenever this happened, I felt like he didn't trust me enough, like he didn't trust my reasoning. He knew that. I never kept it hidden that he hurt me, because I believe in the power of good communication. He understood and tried to do better, but it is just in his nature. When his problems overwhelm him, he is a different person and there is no reasoning with him... which is why I felt pushed aside.

We fought about nearly everything, but the things that really upset me were the serious problems like the drastic changes in his actions and thinking. For example, the quarantine put a lot of strain on his family's budget who are still supporting him financially (as he is still in college with no time for a job). So his selfless nature acted up, of course, making him go crazy with guilt, anxiety, stress and loads of work (more than he could handle). He is not exactly BFF with himself and neighter is he an optimist, which is why he is often taken by guilt. He thought he was keeping it together, but he was a mess. I tried to talk him out of it in many ways, many times (for 3 months, precisely), but he was simply blinded by his negative feelings.

Everybody goes through hard times at some point of their life, but with him it happens quite often and there is no way for me to actually help him. All I can manage is some momentary support and, after I pull myself back together, it's like waiting for the next breakdown... knowing that what I say and do is pretty much useless.

I convinced him a while ago to ask for professional help. I hope I did the right thing and, if so, that he'll take my advice.

Thank you so much for your interest and desire to help!

[JTSW]

If it didnt feel right in the relationship then you did the right thing.

I think the person who said you have set your expectations way too high is right.

You can't have a relationships without some disagreements sometimes.

No relationship is perfect and you will always have challenges.

You work through these challenges together, not drop them the minute one ensues.

You will likely find yourself in and out of relationships regularly due to never being satified.

I think your boyfriend felt that he had alot to live up to with your expectations.

[Alexa 95]

On 6/10/2020 at 9:52 PM, MessedUpSister said:

Hey there, folks!

The title pretty much sums up the story, but here is the longer version. I just want to say in advance that English is not my mother tongue, so please excuse the mistakes I make.

I'd been in a five year long relationship with the first love of my life when I decided to end things. He is the sweetest, most loving person, but somehow not loving enough for me, I guess. During these five years, we shared amazing, perfect moments together which I miss terribly.

The highs of our relationship were really high, but the lows were underground level... for me, at least. I have always felt that, in order to be completely satisfied with my relationship, the love we shared would need to be strong enough to overcome all obstacles. And what I mean by that isn't making up after fights, but not having the fights in the first place. I know, it sounds like an impossible fairytale, even I am aware of that. But I just feel down to my bones that this is the kind of love I need: one that keeps the partners in the same team no matter the circumstances, one that is based on 24/7 patience, trust and understanding. And we just did not share that kind of love. No matter how happy I was thanks to him in our good days, in the bad ones something always came up between us... big or small, but it was still there. I know that it takes two to have a fight, but somehow I've always felt betrayed by him in those moments. Most of our fights were because of his personal problems which affected him in such a way that he lost hope and, therefore, refused my help... hence we were not acting as a team anymore, so I felt betrayed and hurt.

These five years I've always hoped it would get better, but it didn't. My love for him grew, but the fights were still there and my faith still broke whenever they happened.

So here I am... not even a week into our breakup and I already feel like I can't take it anymore. The amount of doubt over my decision is incredible and every little thing I experience reminds me of the love I lost. Even though I know it's for the best, I definitely don't feel it.

If anyone had the time and patience to read my text till the end and has felt anything mildly relatable, I would appreciate it very much if you shared your story. Also, if you have any advice on how to make peace with the decision I made, I would love to hear it.

Thank you in advance! I wish you all the best.

Breaking up with him was the best decision for you. The relationship you had with him was not what you ultimately wanted. 

Its inevitable you will feel heartbreak following  a break up. But know it will eventually pass, when you realise it was for the best. 

Its happened to me a couple of times. When i look back i think I'm so glad I'm not surrounding myself with those people anymore. And am optimistic i will find a better match for me. As will you.

I do agree with the other posters. Conflict is bound to happen in EVERY relationship, even the kindest and normally reserved  types of people will get frustrated  at times. 

 

[scooby-philly]

On 6/10/2020 at 4:52 PM, MessedUpSister said:

Hey there, folks!

The title pretty much sums up the story, but here is the longer version. I just want to say in advance that English is not my mother tongue, so please excuse the mistakes I make.

I'd been in a five year long relationship with the first love of my life when I decided to end things. He is the sweetest, most loving person, but somehow not loving enough for me, I guess. During these five years, we shared amazing, perfect moments together which I miss terribly.

The highs of our relationship were really high, but the lows were underground level... for me, at least. I have always felt that, in order to be completely satisfied with my relationship, the love we shared would need to be strong enough to overcome all obstacles. And what I mean by that isn't making up after fights, but not having the fights in the first place. I know, it sounds like an impossible fairytale, even I am aware of that. But I just feel down to my bones that this is the kind of love I need: one that keeps the partners in the same team no matter the circumstances, one that is based on 24/7 patience, trust and understanding. And we just did not share that kind of love. No matter how happy I was thanks to him in our good days, in the bad ones something always came up between us... big or small, but it was still there. I know that it takes two to have a fight, but somehow I've always felt betrayed by him in those moments. Most of our fights were because of his personal problems which affected him in such a way that he lost hope and, therefore, refused my help... hence we were not acting as a team anymore, so I felt betrayed and hurt.

These five years I've always hoped it would get better, but it didn't. My love for him grew, but the fights were still there and my faith still broke whenever they happened.

So here I am... not even a week into our breakup and I already feel like I can't take it anymore. The amount of doubt over my decision is incredible and every little thing I experience reminds me of the love I lost. Even though I know it's for the best, I definitely don't feel it.

If anyone had the time and patience to read my text till the end and has felt anything mildly relatable, I would appreciate it very much if you shared your story. Also, if you have any advice on how to make peace with the decision I made, I would love to hear it.

Thank you in advance! I wish you all the best.

On 6/11/2020 at 10:39 AM, MessedUpSister said:

Angry words, bitterness, sarcasm meant to hurt the other person, over-generalization which would later on turn out to be false, refusal to take into account the other's opinion (which would, again, later turn out not to have been a good idea), basically doing all the wrong things in the heat of the moment and then, after hours or even days, apologizing for it. We went through this cycle over and over again: narrow-sighted vision accompanied by anger, then followed by an apology after the damage was done.

Whenever this happened, I felt like he didn't trust me enough, like he didn't trust my reasoning. He knew that. I never kept it hidden that he hurt me, because I believe in the power of good communication. He understood and tried to do better, but it is just in his nature. When his problems overwhelm him, he is a different person and there is no reasoning with him... which is why I felt pushed aside.

We fought about nearly everything, but the things that really upset me were the serious problems like the drastic changes in his actions and thinking. For example, the quarantine put a lot of strain on his family's budget who are still supporting him financially (as he is still in college with no time for a job). So his selfless nature acted up, of course, making him go crazy with guilt, anxiety, stress and loads of work (more than he could handle). He is not exactly BFF with himself and neighter is he an optimist, which is why he is often taken by guilt. He thought he was keeping it together, but he was a mess. I tried to talk him out of it in many ways, many times (for 3 months, precisely), but he was simply blinded by his negative feelings.

Everybody goes through hard times at some point of their life, but with him it happens quite often and there is no way for me to actually help him. All I can manage is some momentary support and, after I pull myself back together, it's like waiting for the next breakdown... knowing that what I say and do is pretty much useless.

I convinced him a while ago to ask for professional help. I hope I did the right thing and, if so, that he'll take my advice.

Thank you so much for your interest and desire to help!

Hey @MessedUpSister - Quoted both of your long posts in order to respond to them together. I think there's a lot to unpack here and a lot more info you could share to provide context and insight into the relationship and the way you argued with each other.

First and foremost - the dating process is about finding a certain level of compatibility while also discovering who you are and what you need and what's non-negotiable for you. Likewise, it's important to realize and learn what doesn't matter to you. Unfortunately relationships do not exist in a vacuum, so life will rock the relationship boat as you're trying to sail it. A few things I noticed in your posts:

1. Was it just your ex that was bitter, angry, sarcastic or you were that way too? If it was just him, that would be something to clarify when you post. Otherwise, you'd be just as guilty as him and the advice people give would be skewed. 

2. While you mention a lot of his struggles and problems, what were you struggling with? I ask that because again, we only get "your side of the story" on things and understanding what you might have said, done, etc. in the relationship allows us to paint a clearer picture. 

3. You said you fought about everything....was does that mean? EVERYTHING? Minor things? Major things? 

4. You were with him 5 years. THat's a LONG time to put up with a situation, even if you were 50% to blame, of fighting, mood swings, etc. from him and a general sense of unhappiness in yourself.

 

Now - as people pointed out - every relationship comes with friction. That's the side effect of two independent spirits coming together to try and form a bond. The questions to ask and reflect on are (not just with the past relationship but any future one)

1. What are you arguing about? If it's minor things why are you arguing? Do one or both of you not know how to communicate? Do one or both of you not know how to give in? Is one of you controlling and/or manipulative? Is one or more of you emotionally damaged and/or immature? If it's "major things"...then you need to sit down (And you should do this from the 6 to 18 month mark in any relationship and have conversations anyway) and talk about - money (spend vs save | financial decision making | financial planning), sex (frequency, kinks, fantasies), kids (yes or no | how to parent), career/living future | family/friends (good relationship? If not, are they "checked" and controlled"), politics, religion, and overall lifestyle stuff (how often to go out, how much time you need to spend together, how to split chores, etc.) Two good people can just prove to be incompatible on one or more major issue and it's a no go.

2. Do you have a clear idea of what and who you want in life? Very often until we define that we struggle in relationships.

3. Do you have the ability to state your wants/needs? And if you aren't getting them met do you have the courage to walk away? I know personally I've stayed in relationships because I didn't have the self-worth to say this isn't what I want or this isn't going anywhere and I deserve better?

4. Speaking of self-worth - do you (and the other person) have a clear sense of self-worth? 

5. Are you both emotionally mature, reasonable, and emotionally OPEN. A lot of people in this world are not in touch with their emotions and cannot open up. And that's fine if you don't want or need that in a partner, but most people in touch with themselves need that in a partner.

I will also say that while your first post did suggest that you're in for a rocky future if you expected absolute peace and no conflict in a relationship, but you amended that statement. However, I do pick up a sense (and I'll happily say I'm wrong if it's not true) that you either don't know how to communicate or that you don't know how to walk away. REmember, relationships, ESPECIALLY BEFORE you get married, are not about "saving" "rescuing" or waiting for the other person to change. Sure, everyone changes over time. And I mean EVERYONE. But if he's not great for you NOW, if he doesn't have what you need NOW, if you can't build a strong foundation or root system NOW, then as you grow and change there's no guarantee that you will be able to sustain the relationship. Now, a little more info about you and this relationship might help, but I get a sense that maybe you ignored things for the first two or three years, then as life hit, you've found yourself struggling. And that's nothing to be ashamed about. Assuming you're younger because he's in college....that's a lesson you've now learned and can apply to any relationship in the future. But take it as a lesson learned. You cannot ignore things in the first 12-18 months. If it bothers you you need to discuss it, you need to analyze it, and you need to own up to it. You did him and yourself no favors if you were burying things or sweeping them under the carpet. As you recover it will also be worth examining WHO you find yourself attracted too. If you are a younger woman, most find themselves attracted to the bad boys or the broken boys or the "hard luck" cases until you want something real and realize these guys can't give it to you. So while you're not to "blame", you're also the author of your own life and your own love story. You have the power to write the next chapter as you want it to go.

 

Overall it seems like you have some stuff to work on about yourself, your self-worth, and figuring certain things out before you jump into another relationship. With any future man, remember, know yourself and what you want and respect yourself enough to walk away EARLY ON...while balancing the fact that no relationship will be perfect and that you will need to make sure you're being reasonable and that your man has the skills and personality to build a life WITH you. Hang in there. It does get better.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think you made the right decision. I read somewhere that the two biggest factors in a relationship lasting are, essentially, being responsive to each other... and being kind to each other.

If you feel the kindness level of your relationship leaves a lot to be desired, and the unkind behavior is coming from him, I don't think that's something you can or should get used to. It's also impossible to teach an unkind person to be kind. Believe me, I've tried  

[snowcones]

I totally get it.  Maybe you'd be interested in reading John Gottman's book called "Why marriages succeed or fail".  In it he talks about how the biggest indicator of whether or not a couple will stay married is in how they settle their disagreements.  Do they both disagree in a way that complements each other and allows them to come to a satisfactory resolution, or do they disagree in a way that makes one or both of them feel resentful, unsatisfied or diminished?   I truly believe in this too.  I believe that how a couple fights is the #1 determining factor in whether or not they will be a successful couple. And there is no right or wrong way to fight, but each person has a style and it's their style that complements each other and creates success.   I sometimes think it would be best to never argue (I hate arguing) but really if I think about it, it's not the arguing that's the problem to me, it's the WAY guys have argued with me, I hate their style, and the WAY they have handled (or mostly not handled) the resolution.   Finding someone who agrees with your every value, idea, thought, feeling, whatever is impossible FOR ANYONE, but how you handle these differences is KEY.  In my experience, the men I've had in my life didn't care.  They just wanted to WIN.  And that I will never deal with again and yes I'll breakup too for it.  It's important.

Edited June 15, 2020 by snowcones