Was I the problem in our relationship?

[Girlwithapast]

Would love honest And objective input from strangers about my previous relationship which didn’t end well. My mind has a hard time coming to peace. 

 

I know it’s not completely objective because you’ll only hear my side of the story, but just hearing opinions from people who don’t know me would be helpful. My friends and family are always “on my side” validating my feelings and decisions, nobody has ever told me otherwise, but now As I look back I wonder what was actually the truth.

my ex and I met Over the internet. We talked for a couple years before meeting in person. I was so emotionally attached that I would ignore people in front of me while texting him,basically living in the virtual world of a dream long distance boyfriend I’ve never met in real life. I think it was the same for him. When we met, it was like trying to get to know the person in real life all over again. After a couple years of that, we started dating officially. I quickly learned that what I “expected” him to be like in real life wasn’t what he actually was. All those years of communicating over the phone was just me being attached to someone who could listen to my life drama and troubles. I had a hard time actually falling in love with the person he was in real life. 
 

In fact as easy as it was for us to communicate over the phone in the past, we had a lot of trouble communicating as real life lovers or even just friends. He showed me that all he seemed to want was just having a girlfriend by his side, without the connnection part of the relationship. He could care less about conversations, making eye contact, resolving fights or conflicts. He was deep in his phone and iPad world of virtual games, etc, anytime we go out to eat his attention would be on the phone. We couldn’t even talk about anything, in fact he showed no interest in it. It was like it took us a year to get to the point where we were a 90 year old couple (in a bad way). No chemistry, no freshness, and I started to turn into a nagging freak as well. I had issues with him coming back from work and just immersing himself in iPad games day after day. Even when I’m talking to him, he’s still playing the game lol. I wond3ed what his life goals were...just have a girlfriend, a job, and games? I had trouble accepting who he was. When I decided to go on a trip to Europe after finishing school and wanted him to come with me, he showed disinterest but stil came with me, and during the trip was a lot of complaining. Little things get to him and he wears it on his face. I had trouble with that aspect of his personality too. So AS I dated him and got to know him more, the less I liked his personality. It was like I resented him for being him. I also resented his way of thinking of our future careers, with me  having the potential to make more money than him, he would often say things like “ha ha I joke with my friend today that we can do whatever w elike and our wives are the breadwinner” or somehow expect that I will be helping his mom financially out in the future once we’re married. It’s almost like he expected all my money to be his And his family’s in the future ..,which doesn’t make sense to me. Sorry if this is tmi, but he also expected me to do things I’m not comfortable with sexually. He never forced me. But he wanted other forms of pleasure, and then would say “yeah my GIRLFRIEND isn’t willing to do this for me”. As if It’s my job. 
 

all of my resentment probably led to his resentment towards me. For example in the beginning he would be willing to do things like help me move, or help my family oht with random things when we visited, but towards the end he would show attitude. And he would say “I don’t want TO JUST hang out at your parents house” when I only got t see my parents once a year basically and hes just thinking about how bored he is. 
 

To be fair though, I nev3 truly respected him in the relationship either, and I think it’s because the way he presents himself to me and to others. Like when we go hang out with my friends hell literalk( just sit there with his phone and play while I talk to my friend. It’s almost like....he lowers himself as my pet ??? At least that’s what it felt like. And then at home, he becomes this lazy person who just cares about eating Whatever and then Playing games. But he does have good side to him, he’s loyal, has a job. We just did not have the right kind of communication, chemistry, or connection?
 

I think my friends could see we had issues, but to this day, I can’t tell if I’m in the wrong or if I’m right.

 

i also have a question for you guys, did I cheat in the end? Is it considered cheating? Near the end, I was really having doubts, couldn’t see us getting married, etc. I talked with him and he did t have much to say either, we decided to take a a week long break. Then we got back together but at this point ....I could tell I dint have much love for him anymore. I started hanging out with a coworker of mine who’s a guy. I started developing feelings and excitement hanging out with him. We never got physical, but we saw each other everyday. It was during this time that I called it off with my ex completely, and found myself again as a happy single woman. My coworker ended up being a fling, maybe rebound? Not sure. But is this considered cheating? 
 

I would love an overall analysis or general opinion after reading my story, and thank you for reading it . It’s a long one lol.
 

should I feel guilty? Should I feel happy? 
 

thanks!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[DKT3]

I think you had reasonable expectations and some unreasonable.  Yes, you cheated and you know you did, or you wouldn't have mentioned it.  The problem with getting involved with another person is you can never really be sure when it started to effect your relationship. 

My biggest red flag...you pretty much listed all his failures then said or there was some good. Then listed nothing wrong with you except oh yeah I cheated but was it cheating it was at the end. It's a red flag because it shows a lack of empathy.  People who lack empathy are usually only concerned with what they get out, never really put much thought about what they put in.

Relationships will always be difficult for you until you dig into why you are this way. Its common for youngest siblings or only children to behave this way.

[Girlwithapast]

Thank for the response dkt3. I think you might be right about some things, can you point out which expectations you thought were reasonable and unreasonable?

 

i do think that in this relationship I lacked empathy and even love towards him. Even respect. Even when I talk about him now, I resent the idea of giving him credit where its due. That’s probably the bottom line there maybe. Except I don’t believe that is my personality as a whole, but rather I entered in a relationship thaf I wasn’t sure of even from the beginning after we met. In fact, I kept telling him I’m not ready for a relationship I’m not sure, I want to focus on my growth as a person first and figure out what I want in life...but he was adamant about making it official with the purpose of diffusing arguments.....prob wasn’t a healthy way to start a relationship officially. With my first relationship, it was quite the opposite, where I was the giver, but with my first bf, I was in love, and I admired some traits in him. I seem to fall towards extreme ends of the spectrum depending on who I’m with and whether I look up to him in Some ways.
 

regarding the cheating, I ask cause ive been told by many people who have different opinions. Some people say that I didn’t cheat because it’s not wrong to hang out with friends of The opposite sex. Sure there may be attraction here and there because that’s human nature. 
 

 

[rjc149]

He has his side of the story, but I only have yours. 

He sounds like a lump of sh-t, honestly. From what you've written, if it's a fair and honest assessment of who he was in the relationship. Just a lump, sitting there nose-deep in his phone or device or whatever, taking up space. 

Aside from that, and obviously contributed to by that, you had no real chemistry or connection. He didn't sound like he made the effort to keep dating you, courting you, and making you feel like you were special to him. 

Women all line up the replacement. Consciously or not. I'm not going to call that cheating if nothing physical occurred with the other person before the end of the current relationship. When a relationship is ill and dying, women (and men) are naturally going to seek connections with other people in their lives before the official death of the relationship. 

 

[DKT3]

It's not a fair assessment,  I'm 100% confident in that statement.  When people speck in absolutes in describing a failed relationship it's never an accurate account,  it's an account where they are minimizing their own limitations or failures in the relationship.  If I had to bet, based on what she is saying and what i know about human behavior,  she allowed outside influences to corrupt her relationship. and her involvement with this other guy played a much bigger role. 

OP you seem young, and there is nothing wrong with dating around,  as long as you dont have a boyfriend and not messing with other girls men. Not having boundaries isnt something that you can easily pick up, being selfish in a relationship is hard to shake. Once you start down the path with these two flaws relationship with always end poorly...so yes it is your personality. 

[DKT3]

@rjc149 emotional connections with other men will pull women out of there current relationship quicker then a physical connection.  The most difficult part is they rarely draw the connection between thier male "friend" and issue in their relationship.  Not until down the road.

[rjc149]

Yes, she spends maybe 90% of her initial post going at length about how flawed her BF was, and very little, if any, time spent owning up to her own flaws. 

Upon reading a little more carefully, she makes it clear that she wasn't really all that into this guy from the get go. She states he was pushing for exclusivity, but she agreed because, hey, why not. Then something better came along. She was never in love with this guy, and I think the painstaking detail and focus given to her ex's flaws, essentially going on a rant about him, is intended to generate a certain response, and a way to assuage her own guilt at what happened. 

Still, I can only really critique what she's written. Purely on that information, the ex sounds pretty useless. A lot of young people are totally absorbed in their devices and shut out the world and people around them, so I'm not casting much doubt on her descriptions of this. Young men especially don't know how to act properly in relationships, so I'm also willing to give her the benefit of the doubt there. 

 

[Girlwithapast]

@rjc149

thank you for your insight and response

thats what I felt too. It was like his behavior and whatnot changed after we been together for a couple of years. (The relationship lasted 3ish years). So I was thinking maybe all relationships eventually end up like this.... like we’re just mere roommates. But crappy roommates who don’t really talk or share. But just “what are we eating today”? Our conversations ended up being really superficial. So when I started complaining, I think it pushed him farther away from me. So I WAS in a way a catalyst in driving our relationship to the end..... 
 

i really felt like I was searching for something more in the end, like the relationship was eating me alive. And I let my emotions go with the coworker. 
 

I feel like I have a problem with lazy people. Or people who are not enthusiastic about life in general. And these were 2 qualities I saw in him that just REALLY didn’t sit well with me. He had a job, he had maybe a couple friends, he was loyal. I never had to worry about drugs or excessive alcohol although he would drink and drive which did bother me, because he gets red just after one beer, like bright red, but then he says he can drive. I never worried about him physically cheating, but I did have insecurities about emotional cheating because of the way we started. 
 

I also had another issue, he nev3 once showed appreciation towards my parents. Initially when we were both fresh out of school with no jobs. My parents let him stay in our basement for like half a year, without paying rent, eating our food etc. he washeD the dishes most days. But once we moved out and if my parents would visit, there would be nothing from his side. He never ask how my parents were, never took them out to dinner, never Acknowledged their presence basically. And the once a year visit to my parents he started complaining how he doesn’t wanna just sit at my parents house for the “entire weekend”.

 

ok now I’m just rambling on and venting. I guess I never had time to really process this relationship in it’s entirety but now because of time and pandemic I can just examine and Analyae what went wrong and hopefully never repeat the same mistakes in a new relationship, or friendship even. 

[Girlwithapast]

I definitely agree that I am way more focused on his flaws than on mine In the relationship. But I wonder if I was like this because I entered in the relationship wrongly. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to date him, I don’t think I ever really fell in love with him, but rather, it was an emotional attachment and a convenience. 
 

in my other relationships, I never had THIS problem, where I end up resenting the person so badly

[spiritedaway2003]

What most likely happened was a case of trying too hard to make something work, when both of you are clearly incompatible in person.  A phone relationship isn’t the same.  I think you both tried to make it work initially because you both had spent so much time together (a sunk cost fallacy) when though you both should have recognized signs that you are incompatible with each other.

I won’t comment on how you should feel.  You feel what you feel. How do you feel?  Relieved that it’s over?  You sound very young.  Work on communicating with your partner your needs in a thoughtful way (before resentment builds).  

Sometimes relationships, even failed ones, are life’s greatest teachers.  Best of luck. 

Edited June 11, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[DKT3]

12 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

What most likely happened was a case of trying too hard to make something work, when both of you are clearly incompatible in person.  A phone relationship isn’t the same.  I think you both tried to make it work initially because you both had spent so much time together (a sunk cost fallacy) when though you both should have recognized signs that you are incompatible with each other.

I won’t comment on how you should feel.  You feel what you feel. How do you feel?  Relieved that it’s over?  You sound very young.  Work on communicating with your partner your needs in a thoughtful way (before resentment builds).  

Sometimes relationships, even failed ones, are life’s greatest teachers.  Best of luck. 

This, in essence is my point.  You came here with your bullet point presentation on how he was a shi++y boyfriend,  but how does that help you moving forward.  You were less than ideal in the relationship also. Were I in my early 20's and dating you, I would have dumped you solely based on this ridiculous idea that he be besties with your parents and the thinking that he should not only be interested in everything your interested in but require that he enjoy it. You do realize how silly that is, dont you?

That relationship is done, now take an honest assessment of your failures and shortcomings improve so you don't repeat those same mistakes in future relationships. 

[rjc149]

13 minutes ago, Girlwithapast said:

I definitely agree that I am way more focused on his flaws than on mine In the relationship. But I wonder if I was like this because I entered in the relationship wrongly. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to date him, I don’t think I ever really fell in love with him, but rather, it was an emotional attachment and a convenience. 
 

in my other relationships, I never had THIS problem, where I end up resenting the person so badly

With time, you'll have the benefit of hindsight and that will give you a more rounded, informed view of what went wrong. 

When my last relationship ended, I was so hurt and angry over what she did to me, that all I could do was blame her. 

After a few weeks, and months really, I began to see what I had been doing to her the whole time, and how I was pushing her further and further until she left. 

So just give it some time, and vent all you need to vent. You'll gain clarity, and won't be so uncertain. You'll realize that mistakes were made by both. 

[rjc149]

26 minutes ago, Girlwithapast said:

he gets red just after one beer, like bright red
 

I also had another issue, he nev3 once showed appreciation towards my parents.

Serious question -- are you from an Asian culture? 

[Girlwithapast]

If you’d be willing to hear me expand on my own flaws, I’m not hesitant to reveal it. 
 

 i would say that I was over controlling in the relationship. I wanted to “mold”him into this upbeat, Fun, hardworking, NOT addicted to iPad games kinda guy who had his own hobbies. I definitely got mad at him way too many times when I saw him play night after night for hours straight. I didn’t communicate it in a nice way? Because I would bring it up, he would still be playing, and the second time I’d get a little more upset, the third time even more upset, etc. every time it was a fight over how much time he was willing to spend on the gameAnd how little time he would be willing to spend in real life stuff. He just refused to balance it out a bit. So eventually it became a huge ball of resentment building inside of me. Like why am I even with him?

I also didn’t communicate effectively. I blamed him on these things that bothered me. Like “why are you on the iPad games again?” The problem is two fold, he didn’t communicate effectively eith, so we NEVER resolved our conflicts. It was always the same fight, same beginning and ending. 

 

I also reacted really negatively when he complained about stuff. Like if we were trying to do something fun, like hiking, or traveling. The smallest thing would set h8m off and the mood would be changed completely. Like he would complain at the sun being too bright, or waiting for the bus for too long, or we would go to a concert and he would offer to drive us there yet the concert wasn’t that great and he would complain alll the way back and be like “that wasn’t worth it” and get pissed and moody. little things like that that i would just be like ...yes I am also waiting for the bus but I’m not complaining... or yes I agree the concert wasn’t great but I’m not letting it affect OUR mood....is this my character flaw or his? I honestly don’t know. I grew up in a family of hardworking individuals and we never complained about lifes little things in fact we would make light of it or make a joke, so I just responded badly

 

I can list more of my flaws but Those are probably some of the bigger ones 
 

 

 

[Girlwithapast]

@spiritedaway2003

 

yes, your response totally makes sense and I agree completely. I especi,ally should have recognized we were incompatible instead of a) trying to expect something from him tha the is not capable of doing and b) dragging on a a relationship as lovers when the foundation was wrong

in the end I didn’t accept h8m for who he was

 

thank you for your insight!

[MsJayne]

I'm just glad you got away from him. Why anyone tolerates someone who is immersed in their device all day long is a mystery to me, especially if they're playing games.  You know those people who walk around engrossed in their phone? The ones who don't look where they're going? I think we should have special footpath pits for them to fall into - really deep ones that they can't climb out of. Maybe at the end you did "cheat" technically,  but does it matter when the relationship was all but over anyway?  I'd just be grateful that you ended it before you died from boredom. 

Edited June 11, 2020 by MsJayne

[Girlwithapast]

@dkt3 

 

I didnt require him to enjoy everything I enjoy, I wanted him to enjoy spending time with me? Or doing Anything with me really... it could be anything. I mean I was ALWAYS the one initiating things to do. Whether it was hiking, traveling, planning a trip, concerts, music, whatever. But i couldn’t even sense that from hIm. I guess I was always trying to see if I could bring out the enthusiasm in life in him, but I failed to do that, and now I realized it’s not my job to do that in a relationship. He wasn’t necessarily depressed, he was just into his games lol at least at that period of time in life he was. And then the more I wanted it, the more I could feel that he ran away to his iPad games. It ALMOST felt like he was doing it to spite me in the end but that’s probably not true. And when we were dating he was 28-31 years old. I’m pretty sure the WAY I handled it even pushes him more to iPad games..... so I’m probably at fault there too. 

[Girlwithapast]

@rjc149

 

i do think in hindsight i have a lot to take away from this relationship. Which is what I’m Trying to tease out with the help of retrospection and talking about it with friends, family and you guys on the internet. I do not want to bring my previous baggage to future relationships If I ever enter into a serious one again. 
 

yes I’m from Asian culture. Hence the parents comment lol

[Girlwithapast]

@MsJayne

 

haha your comment made me laugh. Seriously about the immersion in phones. Girls get the stereotypical blame these days With instagram and social media, but guys are equally guilty with games. 
 

boredom, u mention that word, and I think it is accurate. I was bored. For sure. 

[rjc149]

7 minutes ago, Girlwithapast said:

@rjc149

 

i do think in hindsight i have a lot to take away from this relationship. Which is what I’m Trying to tease out with the help of retrospection and talking about it with friends, family and you guys on the internet. I do not want to bring my previous baggage to future relationships If I ever enter into a serious one again. 
 

yes I’m from Asian culture. Hence the parents comment lol

Yes, I figured haha. My mom is Korean. I'm familiar with those expectations. Also with people getting bright red after a few drinks. 

[ShyViolet]

You shouldn't feel guilty.  Use this as a learning experience and move on.  The biggest mistake you made is that you stayed in an unhappy relationship for way too long.  You didn't even seem to like his personality or enjoy his company very much.  So why did you stay so long and waste your time and his time?  You should have ended it much earlier.

 

[DKT3]

14 minutes ago, Girlwithapast said:

@dkt3 

 

I didnt require him to enjoy everything I enjoy, I wanted him to enjoy spending time with me? Or doing Anything with me really... it could be anything. I mean I was ALWAYS the one initiating things to do. Whether it was hiking, traveling, planning a trip, concerts, music, whatever. But i couldn’t even sense that from hIm. I guess I was always trying to see if I could bring out the enthusiasm in life in him, but I failed to do that, and now I realized it’s not my job to do that in a relationship. He wasn’t necessarily depressed, he was just into his games lol at least at that period of time in life he was. And then the more I wanted it, the more I could feel that he ran away to his iPad games. It ALMOST felt like he was doing it to spite me in the end but that’s probably not true. And when we were dating he was 28-31 years old. I’m pretty sure the WAY I handled it even pushes him more to iPad games..... so I’m probably at fault there too. 

So did you take any interest in things he liked? I'm guessing not often.

I think saying you were controlling is an understatement. You did require or else you nagged and eventually resented him. Yet you also complain about him doing it to you.

You will never mold any man, he may go along for abit but make no mistake there. 

You have to find a guy with the qualities you are looking for then be willing to accept those you dont particularly care for. No matter what. there will always be somethings you don't care for 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Girlwithapast said:

 I entered in the relationship wrongly. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to date him, I don’t think I ever really fell in love with him, but rather, it was an emotional attachment and a convenience. 

Bingo. 

You two spent far too much time caught up in a virtual relationship before you actually met. This created false intimacy and an unrealistic idea of what the other was like. When you met and realized he wasn't the guy you have envisioned and you weren't that into him? That was when you should have walked away rather than try to force yourself into a relationship with someone you didn't mesh with in real life. 

I think the resentment you felt towards him was also a reflection of the resentment you felt towards yourself: resentment for having wasted so much time doing the online, long-distance thing and then pushing yourself to stay with him even when you didn't really want to. 

So, the biggest mistake I see here is that you didn't let yourself end it when you first realized this man was not the man you imagined in your mind. 

 

[ajequals]

he certainly didn't sound like marriage material ..Very self absorbed. probably thought he was such a catch you would never leave him . Personally I feel the only real relationship is one you build in person ,face to face. this one was a fantasy that didn't come true.  as far as your fling. I don't consider it one ,sounds like you both were on the way out anyway and there was no sexual relations . I think you see now the most important thing in a person is their character. 

[k100danny]

This sounds like someone who maybe fears commitment and in some ways it sounds like me in my last relationship often being distracted but i suffer with anxiety, often felt guilty for my ex not being able to do things and definitely saw her side but i could be grumpy and snap at her.

The only two good qualities you seem to list of him are has a job (anyone of fit mind and body would just see this as a given unless the economy ect meant they didnt) and he is loyal. Maybe he was frustrated and the relationship wasn't what he wanted either, and thats not to put it on you. Some people are better at talking in the beginning then they don't feel like they are getting what they need but thats impossible to say without knowing exactly what each of you are thinking.

Meeting online or chatting with someone via text rather than meeting and dating can cause a lot of problems, people will often say this isn't the person i have been chatting too ect but maybe you took what you needed from your conversations and also had what you thought this person was like in your mind rather than what they actually were like. We've all been guilty of being in relationships that weren't right

As for the cheating, well maybe you feel guilty about what you did, was it cheating, cheating to me is doing anything with someone or speaking to someone in a way you wouldn't if your boyfriend was there and i dont mean joking with your girlfriends or saying your boyfriend annoys you when you ahve had a fight thats all the kinds of things people often talk about with close friends i mean in a manner with the opposite sex that which your ex wouldn't approve of (also taking aside insane jealousy, if you guy gets mad if you talk in any way to another guy for no other reason then thats his problem not yours) But it sounds like you weren't happy in your relationship, it is always best to end things before you cross that line though.