Wife's dogs are dragging down our marriage. What to do?

[Zlow]

We’ve been married a year. I insisted we shouldn’t get a dog until we buy a house and said I really just don’t want a dog indoors. Well she kept begging me. So I caved during Christmas when she got depressed on the anniversary of her last dog’s death. She got a border collie. Then another one thinking it would be a good playmate. Bad idea. I had warned her.

 What I had before the dogs

1. quiet clean living room that smelled good 2. Quiet place to read. 3. Calm walks before bed time. 4. Nice patio to enjoy sunset. 5. Good morning routine to get me motivated for the day 6. Good sex life with the Mrs. 7. Weekend getaways with my wife, frequently. 8. Increasing balance in savings account for house down payment. 
 

Needless to say ALL of that is gone. And the worst part is I have to work from home and they are KILLING my productivity. My mornings are stressful as hell now dealing with these dogs. Despite this I’m actually really nice to them.

But I just want them gone. I want my life back. I want my marriage back. And my wife doesn’t even seem happy with them but will be really sad if she rehomes them.

 I’ve never liked the idea of giving ultimatums in relationships. But I know she’ll re-home at least one of them. She’s even suggested that. But I feel bad for the dogs because they depend on us. I’m at the point where I just want my own place. Seriously considering it. I’ve actually just kind of detached myself from the marriage, like a coping mechanism. I love my wife but I’m just kind of subconsciously angry with her maybe. But so much I don’t want to have sex with her anymore. I said “no dog” daily for 2 years. I’m mad she didn’t respect it and it caused me to just go along with it.

So what’s the best approach? Just say “the dogs have to go”?

Edited June 12, 2020 by Zlow
Grammar

[RecentChange]

Oh that's tough.

First, I am going to say I am an "animal person" pets have always been my best friend since I was a kid, I trained horses professionally etc.

And second, the "dog people" will probably tell you that you are terrible.

I agree with you.  Didn't sound like an appropriate time to get dogs, and BOARDER COLLIES?!? Why were boarder collies thought to be an appropriate breed for house dogs? They are very smart working dogs and will make themselves and people crazy living in the suburbs. Super high energy, take experience owners, and honestly I have rarely seen one that wasn't border line neurotic if it wasn't living on a ranch, doing what it has been selectively bred to do.

And like you have experienced, dogs are a lifestyle change - like you, I never really wanted them, knowing that they would cut into our weekend get aways and spontaneous lifestyle (my cat can be left with food and water, and the horse is boarded).

Eventually after over 10 years, we got a 20 pound terrier mix, and after that a small rescue buddy for him. They are easy care, a relative lives down the street and care take care of them if we decide to take off for a weekend - if they weren't small, short haired, and had a babysitter nearby - no way. 

I support having a serious discussion about rehoming them. Keeping one is not a good idea, they can occupy each other etc, and one still needs all the routine care.

Two boarder collies is an enormous commitment. 

[basil67]

I agree with RC that border collies are not a wise choice for your situation.

When I read the problems, you don't actually say how the dogs affect your amenity, so I wonder if they've got some behavioural issues which could be solved with a trainer.  It may not go back to 100% of what things used to be, but might improve.

1. quiet clean living room that smelled good  - oh yeah.  Hair everywhere and dog smell.  Is your wife up for vacuuming each night and keeping her dogs clean?  And brushing them regularly?  (I have hens which hubby didn't really want, so they are mostly my job. It was part of the deal)

2. Quiet place to read - speak with a trainer about making quiet zones which the dogs can respect

3. Calm walks before bed time - The dogs could join you.  But perhaps they pull on their leads and are annoying to walk?  Dog trainer. 

4. Nice patio to enjoy sunset - What happened to your patio?

5. Good morning routine to get me motivated for the day - how are the dogs affecting your morning routine?

6. Good sex life with the Mrs - If you can get the dogs behaviour to improve, will you be able to get past the disconnect with your wife?

7. Weekend getaways with my wife, frequently - Can you take the dogs sometimes and ask a trusted person to house sit for you other times?

8. Increasing balance in savings account for house down payment - Is one of them chalking up a lot of vet bills?  Or eating the best cuts of meat?  Sure, there's food and worming treatments etc, but how do they cost so much that you can no longer save?

[Ellener]

It's interesting. The people upstairs from my new apartment have two huge dogs for an apartment and they bound around and make a lot of noise and sometimes set my dog barking.

At another time in my life I might have found it an irritation and reacted to it, but the owners are young and sweet people, and I was just so happy to get out of a terrible situation to this beautiful place when the pandemic hit, it doesn't bother me at all in the grand scheme.

I've bought a white noise machine and there's a water fountain setting, seems to calm me and my dog.

Border collies are work dogs, look up some techniques for routines to use up their energy? Apparently they calm down as they get older, age four or so. I googled and saw this:

Once you’ve ruled out any health concerns that cause hyperactivity, it’s best to keep your dog on a good diet. Go for low-protein and low-fat dog food, as higher amounts of these two can result in a lot of excess energy.

Make sure that your Border Collie gets a lot of exercises daily. You can’t just take a very long and exhausting walk once a week and expect them to not have energy the next day! You need to give them the activities to expend their energy wisely, may it be through runs, walks, playtime, and training. Opt for about 20 minutes a day.

If you have to leave your home, then it’s best to place your Border Collie in a safe space where he can move freely. It should be dog-proof and with his favorite toys to keep him entertained, as boredom and frustration leads to a messy home!

Keep your Border Collie occupied with their toys, old clothes, and make sure that you give them all the attention they need. Never punish the dog if they’re hyperactive, as they require stimulation, not a beating!

Train them and teach your Border Collie obedience and respect to lessen the chances of a messy home. This also helps expend their energies daily, keeping them free from frustration and hyperactivity.

If push comes to shove, then you may want to consider herbal calming remedies or medication as prescribed by the veterinarian.

Having two they perhaps bounce of each other for entertainment or competition, I read this too:

In an effort to help a dog * be happy* many people add more dogs to the household for companionship. However, there is often surprise when this addition creates tension and chaos rather than a play buddy. It is true that lots of people live with two or more dogs without difficulty but that success is due to their ability to convey structure and rules to their dogs (whether they realized it or not).

The key to living successfully with multiple dogs is understanding their needs and motivations, as well as how those things work in a group dynamic. In short, dogs that are allowed to create their own rules and structure are not going to set up a nice little democracy where sharing and fair play will be the standard.
Unfortunately is doesn’t naturally work that way with a group of dogs. Well, it doesn’t always work that way in human groups either……at least not without someone being in charge. Animals will covet resources. For our domestic dogs the resources are food, toys, you and space.

Good luck!

[IndigoNight]

1 hour ago, enigma32 said:

You should have gotten a mastiff like me. I have 2 of them and all they do is lay around and eat. High energy dogs are not meant for everyone. 

Mastiffs are exceptional dogs. Mine passed away about 4 yesterday ago, and I still miss him. I will be getting a sibling pair once our current dogs have passed. Gentle giants, but extremely protective of their home and family. 

[IndigoNight]

OP, how a good trainer and get your did groomed frequently. Border Collie do best with lots of exercise, so have your wife play with them daily so that they won't get bored, and destructive. She should find a play group for them.

You probably wouldn't mind them so much if they were calmer, and well groomed.

Your wife was wrong for forcing the dogs on you. However the dogs didn't have a choice, and your wife should do everything it takes to give them a loving home, even if it's with someone else. It's not fair for the dogs to be somewhere they aren't wanted.

 

[elaine567]

Exercise exercise and more exercise. They are very intelligent but that doesn't mean they will be obedient, you need to spend a lot of time keeping them focused and not bored. Bored dogs can get destructive. After about four they do usually calm down.
Diet is very important, Low fat low protein diet
It is the first thing Border Collie rescue people ask anyone who is having trouble with their Collie.
Introduce routine and stick to it.

BUT it seems you really want NO dogs and whilst that may make YOU feel better, I doubt your wife will feel like that.
She will then be the one harbouring anger and thinking of leaving.  
Whether or not to have pets is something that needs to be sorted out prior to marriage.
She is obviously a person who loves dogs, you don't.
This "problem" will not be solved by getting rid of the dogs, she will still want dogs in her life and then there will be the added complication of her grieving for the dogs YOU made her get rid of.
Happy Days..
Sad to say but getting your own place may not be a bad  idea. You get peace and she gets to keep her dogs. 

[schlumpy]

If you are still interested in saving your marriage your wife is going to have to take this burden on herself and off of you. That won't bring back the carefree lifestyle but the compromise on her part will indicate her attitude towards the marriage. Explain to her how far gone you are and that you need her to make it right. Then it's up to her.

I've had dogs most of my life. Right now I have a rescue Bichon Frise that treats me like a servant. 

[Crazelnut]

Did your W get the 2nd dog without consulting with you?

Like others have said, you picked the wrong breed for your lifestyle. Ask her to rehome both of them, then get 1 smaller, lower energy breed. Commit to working with a trainer and make sure she commits to doing ALL the daily work -- vac, groom, walk. 

[simpycurious]

Not sure what to say but I like dogs and think they are SUPER to have around.  They do require some coordination and work but that's not much of an issue.  You can have a dog sitter, a cleaning service that comes to the house weekly, and whatever else you need.

[Blind-Sided]

I totally understand.  I'm  a dog person, and I had several shelties growing up.  I loved one of my dogs so much... I named my oldest daughter after it.  LOL.  But... I'm all about simplifying my life as I get older... and even though I love dogs... I don't want the responsibility of having to take care of it. (I already have 2 kids to take care of) I know some people think they are fun, and easy to deal with... but the reality is... it's about the same responsibility as having a toddler in the house... that sheds hair.  Dogs are "pack Animals" and need love and attention.  Not to mention, with some dogs... you have to vacuum multiple times a day, and brush them to keep the hair in check.  Then add in feedings, cleaning bowls, cleaning messes they track in, cleaning the occasional "Accident" they may have... and before you know it... you have spent most of your "Free time" having to deal with the dog. 

So... once again... I love dogs... but I want my free time to be MY free time.  OP, in this case... your free time has been taken by the choice of your wife... and it sounds like you have been roped into taking care of the dog.  Unfortunately... this isn't a trivial issues, and unless your W can be made to understand... then it could be the end of the marriage.  

I'm sorry for where you are... but you need to talk to her, and tell her that she either needs to talk on 100% of the responsibility, and keep ALL messes clean... or that the dogs need to go.  Try to not turn it into an ultimatum... but let her know that you don't want to be bothered with her dogs.  I know it's not going to be easy... and she will be resentful for you simply saying it... but it has to be done. 

[IndigoNight]

OP, if you think that dogs disrupt your life, wait until you have kids. Dogs are substantially easier, and cheaper to care for. 

 

[BaileyB]

I feel badly for the dogs, they are by their very nature meant to be outdoor working dogs and she is trying to make them a house pet. That’s not fair to the dogs. 

As one who is currently living with a pet not by choice, it’s not easy.

It sounds like there are some hard discussions that need to happen in your home... Good luck. 

[elaine567]

Splitting up the pair may be hard. my  Border Collie grieved for more than 2 months when my other dog died, wouldn't eat, moped about.
My vet said it is common in Collies.
They are a clever breed, they "know".

[Rockdad]

I can't say my wife's Rat Terrier caused marriage problems but I can say that sneaky carpet pissing animal caused me problems.  After having enough fits I booted it out to outdoor living. I am a service tech and have to smell other peoples dog and cat urinated stinched  homes quite frequently and I refuse that my home is going to smell like piss.

That dog was a gift to her from her father so yes it did make some waves with him.  Rehome the dogs and take your home back, your wife might be sad for a few days but it will pass.

 

[ShyViolet]

She adopted those dogs so now she has a responsibility to them.  Maybe it was a mistake for her to adopt them, but it's not their fault and they shouldn't suffer now because of it.  If you had a kid who was badly behaved, would you get rid of it?

Hire a dog trainer, and get the dogs groomed to minimize hair and smell.  Tell her that it's her responsibility to take them outside or to a dog park to get their exercise.

If you do end up rehoming them, please don't ever get another pet again.  You don't sound like the type of person who treats a pet like a family member and who has the commitment to care for a pet.

[introverted1]

Seems from your OP that you agreed to the dogs and are now having "buyer's remorse."  Pets are typically a lifetime commitment.  Just go to your local shelter and see how many dogs are there, hoping to be rehomed.  Unless you have someone lined up to take the dog(s) (and be sure to vet prospective owners thoroughly), you should probably consider ways to make your commitment to the animals you adopted work.

Assuming you can satisfactorily rehome the dogs, do you think that will solve your marital problems?

Edited June 12, 2020 by introverted1

[SincereOnlineGuy]

21 hours ago, Zlow said:

We’ve been married a year. I insisted we shouldn’t get a dog until we buy a house and said I really just don’t want a dog indoors. Well she kept begging me. So I caved during Christmas when she got depressed on the anniversary of her last dog’s death. She got a border collie. Then another one thinking it would be a good playmate. Bad idea. I had warned her.

 What I had before the dogs

1. quiet clean living room that smelled good 2. Quiet place to read. 3. Calm walks before bed time. 4. Nice patio to enjoy sunset. 5. Good morning routine to get me motivated for the day 6. Good sex life with the Mrs. 7. Weekend getaways with my wife, frequently. 8. Increasing balance in savings account for house down payment. 
 

Needless to say ALL of that is gone. And the worst part is I have to work from home and they are KILLING my productivity. My mornings are stressful as hell now dealing with these dogs. Despite this I’m actually really nice to them.

But I just want them gone. I want my life back. I want my marriage back. And my wife doesn’t even seem happy with them but will be really sad if she rehomes them.

 I’ve never liked the idea of giving ultimatums in relationships. But I know she’ll re-home at least one of them. She’s even suggested that. But I feel bad for the dogs because they depend on us. I’m at the point where I just want my own place. Seriously considering it. I’ve actually just kind of detached myself from the marriage, like a coping mechanism. I love my wife but I’m just kind of subconsciously angry with her maybe. But so much I don’t want to have sex with her anymore. I said “no dog” daily for 2 years. I’m mad she didn’t respect it and it caused me to just go along with it.

So what’s the best approach? Just say “the dogs have to go”?

 

What I can't understand is how these are the "Wife's dogs" ???

 

And how could you not have realized that "the dogs have to go"  every day ?

 

It sounds as if you didn't take responsibility to begin with, and that you're still not taking responsibility.

 

What if you did this with kids someday?

 

 

[pepperbird]

op,

I;m more of a bird nerd, and am not a dog person. This being said, I know that my  birds can be noisy and messy and I do my best to minimize the impact they have on anyone else.
Is part of the issue that your wife pushed and pushed even though she knew you didn't want dogs? Is it more that she didn't respect your views than the dogs themselves?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/11/2020 at 10:53 PM, RecentChange said:

the "dog people" will probably tell you that you are terrible

It is a big commitment so not for everyone. Do you think there's any chance you'll warm up to having a dog? Your wife is clearly a dog person so this will be an ongoing source of contention between you.

As for myself, my little dog has been my constant, ever-loyal companion for 13 years. Guys have come and gone but the joy my little dog brings me is irreplaceable. If any man told me to choose between him and my dog, I'd be ushering him out the door within seconds.

Dogs are wonderful creatures. Why not give them a chance to change your heart?

Edited to add: my sweet little bundle of fur is curled up next to me as I write this. 😄

Edited June 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal attack.

[Watercolors]

On 6/12/2020 at 6:57 PM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

What I can't understand is how these are the "Wife's dogs" ???

 

And how could you not have realized that "the dogs have to go"  every day ?

 

It sounds as if you didn't take responsibility to begin with, and that you're still not taking responsibility.

 

What if you did this with kids someday?

 

 

I have to agree with SincereOnlineGuy. You are not taking any responsibility here, which makes me wonder...why not?

Doesn't matter what breed the dogs are either. Neither you nor your wife have any real emotional investment in these two dogs, if neither of you will take responsibility for their exercise and well-being. It is clear that you do not like these two dogs at all, and couldn't care less about their future. 

This isn't your wife's fault. This is both your wife's fault and yours. The real victims in your scenario are the poor dogs you allowed your wife to adopt. Because really, if you don't want dogs to begin with you could have told your wife no, despite her grief and depression. 

I feel sorry for those two dogs. They are with two adults who don't give two darns about their well being. You are not a dog person. That's pretty clear. 

[Watercolors]

On 6/11/2020 at 9:24 PM, Zlow said:

But I feel bad for the dogs because they depend on us.

I don't believe you. The way you whine and complain about how your wife made you get her the two dogs shows that you have a hard time setting boundaries with your wife, which is not the dogs' fault. It's your fault. Fine. Get your own place. Rehome the dogs. Divorce your wife. Problems solved. 

[Zlow]

On 6/14/2020 at 9:49 PM, Watercolors said:

I have to agree with SincereOnlineGuy. You are not taking any responsibility here, which makes me wonder...why not?

Doesn't matter what breed the dogs are either. Neither you nor your wife have any real emotional investment in these two dogs, if neither of you will take responsibility for their exercise and well-being. It is clear that you do not like these two dogs at all, and couldn't care less about their future. 

This isn't your wife's fault. This is both your wife's fault and yours. The real victims in your scenario are the poor dogs you allowed your wife to adopt. Because really, if you don't want dogs to begin with you could have told your wife no, despite her grief and depression. 

I feel sorry for those two dogs. They are with two adults who don't give two darns about their well being. You are not a dog person. That's pretty clear. 

They are my wife’s dogs because we had an understanding they would be her dogs and that she would be responsible for taking care of them because she had acknowledged that I DID NOT WANT DOGS. I merely agreed to allowing dogs into the home. These are not children I adopted or brought into the world by having consensual sex with my wife.

Also, your assumptions on my involvement and behavior towards the dogs are just that — assumptions. And they’re untrue.

i get up an hour earlier now before work just so I can take them to a trail in the morning and play with them. This is after my sleep has been interrupted because one of them constantly barks at night when he hears outside noises. I also walk them during my lunch. And after I’m done working. And before bed. I slept on the floor 2 nights ago next to one of them because she was sick and wanted to be next to one of us instead of in her crate. I give them pets constantly. And they love me. And my wife spends about as much time with them as I do. 

But do I want to do this? NO. I have much more important things to do with the little time I have off of work. And I prefer a clean, quiet house. And the quality time my wife and I have together is virtually nonexistent now. All for dogs, not our own children. And that makes me feel bad for the dogs. Because, like I said, they’re dependent upon us on they love me and think I’m just thrilled to be spending so much time with them. But they have no idea that I regret agreeing to accepting them into my home.

Edited June 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal attack.

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Zlow said:

But do I want to do this? NO. I have much more important things to do with the little time I have off of work. And I prefer a clean, quiet house. And the quality time my wife and I have together is virtually nonexistent now. All for dogs, not our own children. And that makes me feel bad for the dogs. Because, like I said, they’re dependent upon us on they love me and think I’m just thrilled to be spending so much time with them. But they have no idea that I regret agreeing to accepting them into my home.
 

Ok, so you made a mistake when you agreed to accept dogs into the home.  You didn't understand what having dogs really entails.  It was also an error in judgment for you to think it would be just your wife's dogs but not yours, when you all live in the same home.  

The bottom line is that now these dogs have been brought into the situation through no fault of their own.  They are living, breathing beings who need to be taken care of.  When you adopt pets, you take on a responsibility, you can't just discard them when you get tired of them.  I certainly hope you and your wife never have kids, because you don't sound like you have any tolerance for your "peace and quiet" being interrupted.

Edited June 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal attack.

[Zlow]

On 6/14/2020 at 7:06 PM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Yep, I'm a dog person who thinks you're terrible. 😜 Honestly, I'm suspicious of people who abhor pets/animals. It is a big commitment so not for everyone. Do you think there's any chance you'll warm up to having a dog? Your wife is clearly a dog person so this will be an ongoing source of contention between you.

As for myself, my little dog has been my constant, ever-loyal companion for 13 years. Guys have come and gone but the joy my little dog brings me is irreplaceable. If any man told me to choose between him and my dog, I'd be ushering him out the door within seconds.

Dogs are wonderful creatures. Why not give them a chance to change your heart?

Edited to add: my sweet little bundle of fur is curled up next to me as I write this. 😄

It is not that I’m not a dog person. I grew up with dogs. And my Labrador passed 4 years ago. But I had decided then that I did not have the time to dedicate to a dog without making significant sacrifices of things that bring me balance and success in life. I do not sleep well and my career is very intellectually demanding. I also exercise daily. Getting enough sleep and exercise is extremely important for me to remain healthy both mentally and physically. The dogs have upended that. Much of the stress I feel is actually guilt of going for a run without bringing them, or wanting to go somewhere for the day with my wife and knowing they’re locked up in a crate unless I pay $60 to put them in a doggy care center. Despite what people are saying here, I’m actually very attached to the dogs. Maybe it’s just border collies, but they have very expressive eyes, almost human-like. They maintain eye contact with me, like they’re trying to communicate with me. They need more freedom to run freely. We don’t have anywhere to take them often enough to meet that need. The thought of rehoming them makes me sad. But there’s a point where some people have to be honest about whether a situation is working for those who are affected by it.