Am I (27/F) doing the right thing by leaving my emotionally abusive fiancee (27/M)

[ffsau]

I first met my fiancee when both of us were 21, and after much hooking up, miscommunication, and everything in between, we began dating in 2017 at 24. A LOT has transpired in the 3 and a half years we've been together.

First, he has attempted suicide twice in the past before our relationship. I feel he has learned emotionally abusive tactics from past relationships. Because I loved him, I gave him my all. I used the money my deceased parents left me to help him pay his bills when needed, attempted to help him to go to school (which he quit shortly after beginning), sent him money for lunches and whatever he needed, etc. Our first few years together were fast paced, but we loved each other.

Shortly after we moved into our house (that my parents left me after they passed), I further helped him by convincing him to see a psychiatrist; he was diagnosed with severe depression with reactivity. In our time in this house, my house, he has punched holes in the walls, drunkenly backed into my car trying to leave after an argument (despite me hiding his keys), and searching for my gun (that I had already hidden) when he was drunk after this same argument. He has thrown his car keys into the wall so hard that they stuck to the wall. These were many moments I spent leaving the house to hide from him outside, to which he walked outside shortly after, sweetly coaxing me back inside, asking me what was wrong.

After trying five different antidepressants, his psychiatrist finally put him on 450 mg of Wellbutrin daily, and he seemed to be a different person. We went from having sex once every two weeks to having sex every other day. He began cleaning around the house. Around October 2019, I received a FB message from an ex hookup with screenshots from Snapchat where he said, "I'm going to go f*** Haley and pretend I'm f****** you," and saying he was bored in our relationship. He swore up and down that he was blackout drunk and did not remember any of this.

Essentially, despite his talk of marriage to save the relationship, I finally told him this week that I was unhappy in the relationship despite his changes, and that the Snapchat messages killed what strong love I had for him for three years. He pleaded with me, saying he wanted a baby. I feel like that was manipulation as he has NEVER wanted children. I'd finally had enough. I said that I built him up because I believed in his potential, that I'd tried to send him to school, bought half his wardrobe, got him out of the service industry and away from drugs, etc. and he essentially made a fool of me. I told him that no matter how blackout drunk I was, I'd never entertained another man. He said, "you're just going to forget the 3 years we had together and all those moments before that one mistake?" and I responded with, "no, YOU should've thought of all those moments before YOU made that mistake."

After this, I just asked for space, which he would not give me; therefore, I started walking down the street and called a friend to ask if I could stay the night. I saw him get in his car and leave. I packed a bag, and as soon as I was prepared to leave, he said he had gone to my mother's grave. This is the one emotional trigger I have. He even showed me pictures of where he cleaned her grave, telling me "he wanted to talk to someone for answers who loved me as much as he does." My mother died of cancer at 48 when I was 19, and I have never gotten over it.

He has begged and pleaded that he has changed, but he still projects on me and tries to make me feel horrible about things that aren't my fault. I kicked him out of my house, and he is texting me asking if he can take me to dinner this weekend.

Am I doing the right thing by standing my ground? It feels nice to not have to fund every bill, every meal, and coax every emotion for the last few days, finally being able to focus on myself. I additionally work in healthcare, which is exhausting enough in itself, before I come home to someone whom I feel makes me out to be more of a mother than a GF.

[ExpatInItaly]

I see zero reason not to stand your ground. This guy is an unstable abuser who needs to be out of your life forever. 

The fact that you have to ask other people about it tells me that, with respect, you have a lot of work to do on yourself. What I mean is that there are lot of valuable lessons to be learned here for you, in terms of identifying and implementing boundaries, fostering much more self-worth, not trying to play the role of rescuer to someone like him, and so on. 

The great news is that you are starting to recognize that this man is toxic and has mistreated you for a long time, and there's no happy future here. You're already beginning to build up the inner resolve you'll need to finally cut him off. I would take a long, healthy break from dating so you can regain your own sense of self and emotional balance. That way, you'll run from the bad seeds should you ever encounter them again, rather than trying to fix them or get them to love you. 

 

[Stevnx3]

Ffsau..

 

  I'd leave the guy. First, I'd get a restraining order, and work on eviction. He is unstable to the point that he will end up seriously harming you; as if he has not already. He is a manipulator, and a destructive person. Like any good predator - he knows your weaknesses ( mother's grave ) and is luring you back into misery.

Forget kids! Thankfully you never had them with him. That would have created a huge barrier to what lies next for you; hopefully freedom from this a**h***. Your parents left you with a lot of good. This parasite has taken from that good, destroyed the home they left you with. 

Snapchat, he can make any excuses he wants to make. He knew what he was doing. Look, he has you figured out. He figures he can do you however he wants. You may get mad; may leave for a moment: Ultimately, you return. He turns sweet when it is convenient for him.

Find real love. Forget this d-bag. Make him a yesteryear and go on with life. You deserve someone who will not put holes in your walls ( unless it is to hang something ). You deserve someone who will not run into your car or snapchat some ex. It won't be easy, but get rid of this jerk. 

Edited June 12, 2020 by Stevnx3

[d0nnivain]

There's too much violence in here.  Get out. 
 

With the loss of your parents you are probably seeking a family & stability  You clung to him.  Sadly he was a poor choice.  You give & give & give.  But what do you get -- holes in your walls, a drunk, possibly cheating . . . . just NO.  

Do not marry him.  He will get worse, not better.  

Clean house -- literally.  Get rid of him.  Fix up your house.  Then when you get your head & heart re-set go find a healthy person to build your future with.  

[kendahke]

Quote

Am I (27/F) doing the right thing by leaving my emotionally abusive fiancee (27/M)

Always.

[ShyViolet]

OF COURSE you are doing the right thing by leaving a mentally unstable, abusive person.  How is this even a question?  Cut him out of your life, block him, and don't ever look back.  And get yourself into therapy to work on why you stayed in such a dysfunctional situation for as long as you did.

[Datergirl]

Yes you are definitely doing the right thing.

I have been in an abusive relationship and it does not get getter, it gets worse, believe me.  It may may hard for you to accept, but, your relationship was abusive. 

For me, it wasn't just the violence or threat of violence, it was that everything became about him and I lost my sense of self. He always came first, his feelings always took priority, I put him first for a long time - which sounds similar to your situation.

I speng so long thinking what I could do to make things better, when, in reality, he is the only one who can make things (himself) better. He's attempted suicide several times. I can't help him. He was just breaking me and he had to go. 

Now I've had time away from him I feel so much happier. Yes I miss parts of him, but, I do not miss the hurt and upset he brought into my life. It outweighed the good times, which, by the end, there were hardly any. 

Take some time to get back to yourself, who you were before you met him. Set some goals amd achievements just for you. Do things that you enjoy, meet new people and life will become great again. 

[snowboy91]

If abuse is any part of your relationship, you are ALWAYS doing the right thing by leaving. Period.

What I feel is happening here (correct me if I'm wrong, it's only the vibe I'm getting from your post) is you're seeing a lot more of the "potential" of who he is (say without all of the mental health issues and all of the "sweet" things), rather than the reality. The problems, while his, are not going to resolve overnight, and probably will never resolve fully. And if they get close to resolving, it will be driven by him and not you.

[mark clemson]

Run.

Fixing this guy is WAY above your paygrade.

Run.

[MissBee]

I don't even need to read your details, the title is enough. Should I leave an emotionally abusive person and not sign up for marriage with them?  YES! 

No further explanations and details necessary nor does it need to be justified. In general, we're always free to leave ANY relationship. Even if there is no abusive and you just no longer want that relationship, you are free to choose something else. But especially if you are experiencing it as emotionally abusive, you need not justify it to anyone, you absolutely should leave.

It's also normal to second-guess or feel guilty and especially abusive people will continue to manipulate and push your buttons and try to get you to feel bad or say they've changed, so just because you may feel bad doesn't mean it's the wrong choice. Have a friend support you or make a list on your phone or somewhere of all the reasons why you're leaving and look at it again and again when you feel unsure or guilty.