Can anyone relate to this kind of dating anxiety(casual dating)

[Alexa 95]

20 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I don’t get what is confusing really. I am surprised that people are struggling with the concept of liking someone but not liking them enough to want to want to give up everything else to be with them. Relationships are a ton of commitment./responsibility. you have to dedicate your self to that person and can’t leave for no reason unless you break their heart. You can like someone a lot but not be absolutely in love with them? Or do you guys just like someone or not like someone. It is not black-and-white for me personally. 
 

My therapist did not turn me away. Never said that, poppy.  It just got to the point were I asked myself why was Paying $150 for a hour to be asked redundant, circular questions and I questioned why I needed to be there if I wasn’t really dealing with any issues anymore, especially with since  school. They said that if I am not having issues with it anymore it would be okay to stop having sessions. I don’t know the ethics of it. But that is what they said. 

there’s no reason to doubt what people say just because you don’t experience it. Just because you don’t understand it or feel that way. Also don’t get why you have to announce you are leaving thread. Anyone is welcome to come and go at any time.Not like I’m going to lock you in here.  I appreciate the help though

Thank you for the help,guys, but I am really not dealing with anxiety anymore. It was just that day... figuring out the cause helped it will be back though I’m sure. But I guess that is life! 😊
 

hopeful , relationship with pops is awesome. My parents also have a good relationship, but they settled late in life and because of that I’m an only child . I like being by myself a lot 

Its not we dont understand what you say each time. We do.

Its just everytime you post its something  different. Or maybe i didnt  read properly.

Yesterday or day before you were having tonnes of anxiety over meeting the guy. The day after like a switch everything is fine? I don't think with anxiety it works like that. Correct me if im wrong.

You also said you liked him a lot, not that you didnt like him enough. So your feelings seemed to have also changed in a day. I thought you liked him so much that  the thought of losing him was unbearable, which caused you to want to run away. Hence i thought maybe you're commitment phobic?

Its my interpretation. I could be wrong though as i said earlier 

 

 

 

Edited June 14, 2020 by Alexa 95

[Cookiesandough]

27 minutes ago, Alexa 95 said:

Its not we dont understand what you say each time. We do.

Its just everytime you post its something  different. Or maybe i didnt  read properly.

Yesterday or day before you were having tonnes of anxiety over meeting the guy. The day after like a switch everything is fine? I don't think with anxiety it works like that. Correct me if im wrong.

You also said you liked him a lot, not that you didnt like him enough. So your feelings seemed to have also changed in a day. I thought you liked him so much that  the thought of losing him was unbearable, which caused you to want to run away. Hence i thought maybe you're commitment phobic?

Its my interpretation. I could be wrong though as i said earlier 

 

 

 

Hi. I will try to be more clear..
 

Alexa. Yes I did/ do like this guy A LOT. But I do not want a relationship with him. 

I don’t know if that is because I just do not like this guy enough, or because I just don’t want one. . I lack the insight to say which it is. Only if I meet someone I genuinely do want to have that with will I know. 
 

I like this guy a lot. And I don’t want to lose him. It will hurt. “Unbearable” is a strong word, but when I was anxious and catastrophizing...I’d say it would hurt a lot.  But I also like other guys too. A lot of them. And some I like a little and some I like a whole lot. I like having my own time too a whole lot, But I am single so that’s allowed 😊

The day after the two day date with this guy, I very panicky, but the guy sprung a meetup with his parents and told me he didn’t want to be with anyone else and was very overbearing(imo, maybe not to someone else), Got me to stay another night. And then I had another date to go to that day. It just caused a lot of panic. It’s not that I didn’t like him or I wasn’t feeling him. I just felt like I wasn’t on the same page. Rjc was kinda right I think. 

I dwas very anxious after I got home because of this I think. I think many people would be because I told this guy I wanted a casual rship. But then I got to thinking, if that’s what I want, I could lose that bond we have and it made me feel more anxious.  So I was kind of nervous up until I met up with him last night to go to the party. I explain to him that I like him a lot and I just want to have fun right now. He understands and it calmed  me down. We are seeing each other in like 3 days so I have some space. 

 

And yes my anxiety is gone now. Honestly I can be anxious for a couple minutes and then be fine for the rest of the day. It does change on a dime for me. If this is unusual to people I can understand why my post would be hard to understand.but again, I think it is a little bit fallacious to assume that someone is wrong about their emotions  just because we haven’t felt it/experienced it. 

 

I hope that made it a little bit easier to understand. I am not the best writer. Thank you for your help 

Edited June 14, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Juha]

 

When you are multi dating many other people you can subconsciously get into the mindset of just hopping/dating more and more new people

It is exciting, gives you lots of attention, you like it, and no matter how much you like someone do not want anything serious.

Kind of like you are on overload, too much stimuli    Can mess with you

Edited June 14, 2020 by Juha

[Cookiesandough]

I’m 27.  
completely agree @Juha Need to set boundaries and space things out more, but the truth is this influx of guys I am at least somewhat interested in is kind of new for me....like connecting with people on a deep , desp level still eludes me,,, but just meeting guys I feel like I vibe with usually feast or famine and right now feeling like feast. It messes you up majorly at times because you really have to be grounded to know if you should stick with one in lieu of all the others when multidating...

Edited June 14, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Alexa 95]

50 minutes ago, Juha said:

 

When you are multi dating many other people you can subconsciously get into the mindset of just hopping/dating more and more new people

It is exciting, gives you lots of attention, you like it, and no matter how much you like someone do not want anything serious.

Kind of like you are on overload, too much stimuli    Can mess with you

I thought it was more males who get into this habit

[Cookiesandough]

Just wanted to write to say that one guy I was dating and i did shrooms and he told me he loved me and it’s the first time it’s felt real to him too? He’s older than me (36)I told him I loved him too. The next day I was unsure if he meant it like I did or it was the shroom. So I told him “do you still...? You know.” He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about as I struggled to say the words for like 20 min lol. He said, “it’s scary, isn’t it?” And I said” what”. “Being vulnerable” I was like yeah. And he’s smiled and was like “you want me to say it?” I said yes and he told me he loved me. We also are.a couple now, I guess....He’s the sweetest ever and got the first time I feel really strongly for someone ...very attracted mentally and physically. He’s so patient and gentlemanly to me and his family😻Funny and just so hot  

That’s the good news. The bad news is I still have all my desire for space etc., and I feel ready to run at anytime.I have been pushing through it, but I’m not really sure how it’s gonna end. Also dunno how to explain his tatts to my parents. If I’m honest, one foot out the door  

Edited June 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[FMW]

Relationships and a reasonable amount of space are not mutually exclusive.  Your relationships don't have to look like anyone else's. 

I don't see or even communicate that much during the week (only a call or text once or twice) with the guy I'm seeing, we're both busy with work and projects.  But we spend a lot of time on weekends together and I'm happy with the way things are, he seems to be as well.  We started hanging out together regularly about 9 months ago,  really spending time together as a couple a month or so after that.  All our friends see us as a couple, we get invitations together, but neither of us have felt the need to make any official status announcements.  

The guy I'm seeing is a widow, his wife died just 19 months ago and we didn't need to have any discussions about the slower pace we've taken.  It's worked out really well for me - because I have those same "Run!" thoughts once in a while that you indicate you have. It's scary, I'm scared I"ll get hurt again, or worse, that I'll hurt him.  But my feeling of not wanting to lose him out of my life is stronger.  So I just take things as they come.  

I would recommend you don't go too fast.  Exchanging I love yous early on is exciting, but keep things in perspective.  It takes a while to see if you have what it takes to get past the early honeymoon stage.  Enjoy, but don't rush things or try to make them fit some mold you or anyone else has in their head.  Let things unfold naturally and over time.  You don't have to know anything right now, just see where things go.  

As far as the tatts - you're an adult, you make your own decisions.  Unless he's unkind and uncaring toward you or exposes you to something unhealthy, your parents' preferences should not be a determining factor in your choices.  Hopefully they will see the good things about him that you see.    

[contel3]

just wondering cookies. How often do you see your friends? Do you get the same type of anxiety about seeing them too often?

 

also, is shrooms guy the same guy as camping guy?

[Cookiesandough]

Ty yes. Same person I was gonna go camping with.  I am breaking up w them today. I can’t handle dating rn 

[FMW]

Within a month you told each other you loved each other, started calling him your boyfriend, and now you're breaking up.  I think you kind of swung to the opposite end of the spectrum.  Work on finding the middle.  In the meantime, stop trying so hard to make things happen, stop over-analyzing every moment.  Stop encouraging attention from men you know you don't have any real interest in (the other guys you've posted about, not this guy).  Stop rushing ahead.    

Take a breath and just be for awhile!   

[nospam99]

Cookies. I don't get it. Don't you like the camping dude enough to just hang out and have fun? You can dial back the ILY with some excuse like ....

'Hey, I know we said our ILYs. But I"m feeling stressed about our relationship getting too close too fast. Are you okay with just hanging out and doing things as friends?'

Or would it feel too uncomfortable to you to 'step back' after feeling as close as you have? (Of course I'm guessing about your feelings based on what you've posted.)

[Cookiesandough]

@FMW @nospam99I am struggling today. We say I love you every day to each other so it’s hard to step it back. I have to say goodbye. I am going to try to go to one event with him tonight then break up Last night I saw a side to him I was not fond of. I told him I was not ready for him to meet my parents or my friends and we can do something with his and he seemed very upset but also passive aggressive. It’s hard to explain. I messed up majorly. I will take a break. Thanks for the support 😔
 

 

[Fox Sake]

Aww Cookies  

You need some time to yourself right now. No dates , just work on becoming the best version of you, that you can be. I can’t help but feel your self worth and loneliness is in a low state presently.  
Practice seeing yourself as a prize. 
 

I used to do exactly what you are doing , serial dating and falling for people left right and centre. For me it was cos I wanted to be loved and feel love, and desperate to give the love I know I have. . Because I didn’t love myself enough and was lonely. 
Now a days I worry if I’ll ever be like that again, or ever even meet anyone that I’ll love enough to want to spend the rest of my life with, or be in a relationship with. A stark contrast from years gone by.  It’s better to be lonely and happy with yourself on a path to continued self growth , than unsure and committed with someone, questioning yourself. 
 

Use that unbelievable power Shrooms can have to make you see all the beauty in the world, your own mind,  and how you can start to make some positive steps in your life. Be the prize. 

[Fox Sake]

17 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

@FMW @nospam99I am struggling today. We say I love you every day to each other so it’s hard to step it back. I have to say goodbye. I am going to try to go to one event with him tonight then break up Last night I saw a side to him I was not fond of. I told him I was not ready for him to meet my parents or my friends and we can do something with his and he seemed very upset but also passive aggressive. It’s hard to explain. I messed up majorly. I will take a break. Thanks for the support 😔
 

 

Because you’ve already done the “I love you”, dO you now feel trapped by those words ? I reckon 50% of that is shroom induced, and now it’s becoming a habit and filling you with anxiety. 
 

I would say give the date/event a miss if you intend on breaking up. Maybe do it over a brief walk or something. It’s not fair on either of you. You already saw a side to him you didn’t like , imagine what that will come out as  you full on reject him after spending an evening with him. He will possibly see you as cunning or deceptive, and it will cross his mind that you intended that from the start of the event. If I was him I would have appreciated not wasting our time. 
 

If you want to save anything with this guy for the future then go canny 

Edited June 21, 2020 by Fox Sake

[FMW]

If you're not positive about not ever seeing him again, try to talk to him, tell him things went too fast and you need to slow down.  That gives both of you some space and time to figure out things.  If he still reacts badly/in a rude way, then that will be a clear sign to just move on.

The only way to get past your fear of closeness is to keep going, but at a much slower pace.  If he shows he's not the right person then by all means walk on.  But if there is something there, give it a shot.    

[Cookiesandough]

Thank you both. What is “Go canny?” Yes... most of it was shrooms. He says  he’s calling me when he gets off work... I feel like he might break up with me xD He seemed really pissed I hid everything from my parents and friends...
 

I told him I have probs with committing to big steps like that and he said he did too in the past. He said as soon as he got in a relationship he felt like he was trapped, but he doesn’t feel that with me. I looked at him but didn’t say anything and finished “I think because I know you’re going to break up with me” 😔

Anuway, I’ll let u guys know if I get dumped... 

[Cookiesandough]

He finished I mean * 

[Fox Sake]

10 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you both. What is “Go canny?” Yes... most of it was shrooms. He says  he’s calling me when he gets off work... I feel like he might break up with me xD He seemed really pissed I hid everything from my parents and friends...
 

I told him I have probs with committing to big steps like that and he said he did too in the past. He said as soon as he got in a relationship he felt like he was trapped, but he doesn’t feel that with me. I looked at him but didn’t say anything and finished “I think because I know you’re going to break up with me” 😔

Anuway, I’ll let u guys know if I get dumped... 

If you go canny then you take your time, be steady. Sorry , using local dialect ! 

I know that feeling of being trapped or unready as soon as you get in a relationship. It’s nice that he didn’t feel like that this time , but YOU did. 

Try not to look at as “he dumped me” cos that’s the route you yourself were going down. And why? Because you know you aren’t ready.  
this whole experience is all about you learning more about yourself. Be thankful you’ve realised now and not 6 months down the line when you really are trapped , after going through all the potential problems of introducing him to your family and friends. It’s a blessing in disguise. 

No one likes feeling rejected. Ever. It’s a horrible feeling and I can understand that it would be better if you did it for your own mind. The excuse “right person wrong time” is probably the nicest and most truthful way at this moment. Who knows where your head and your heart will lead you in a few months time , when this is just another experience in your life. 
 

At this moment it’s a rocky start to a relationship. I think you and him may well have something down the line if you can retain some sort of friendship while you continue to work on yourself, and indeed him work on himself. But only if you both learn what each other’s issues were. Maybe they can be resolved , maybe they’re just personality. 

I would be a little pissed too if I found out the girl I was dating hid it from friends and family, but that only goes to further show you that you jumped the gun a bit with your feelings and essentially tricked yourself into it at the wrong time. Knowing that makes a difference to how I view it.  

Just remember you deserve to be happy , and you deserve to have someone in your life who will offer you forgiveness and understanding and take the time to reflect on your actions , words and behaviour with an open mind. Rather than take a butt hurt passive aggressive tone. I’m probably way out of line here , cos he’s hurting too ,  and probably can sense the vibe has changed , and is entitled to be hurt, but should really have reached out to you to find out why.  
 

And lastly , don’t let your family EVER put you off someone because of looks , Ink, disability or anything else that isn’t based on how good a match that person is for you mentally and spiritually. If your parents are judging on that , then they too have some lessons to learn. I say that with all due respect. 
Things are gonna work out for you perfectly in the long run . Be positive. I know it’s easier said than done. All I can do is rattle this out and hope that even one part resonates with you or makes you feel better  

 

[Azincourt]

On 6/12/2020 at 7:47 PM, Cookiesandough said:

I hope I am not judged for this, but I am dating a few different people casually. A lot of people do this, especially in my generation. It is kind of expected.

I woke up today with an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I recognize as fear/anxiety, which never used to happen to me when I wasn't dating. I have this fear that I am going to lose some of the people I am dating  

 

 I like a lot of these guys a lot and grow attached to them in a way, but not enough to be with them exclusively. It's irrational because when you do not become exclusive with people you can't be upset that they get someone else to become exclusive with who would become their first pick.

It's never bad until it gets somewhat serious or headed into that direction...then they want to see you a lot more often and it causes a lot of anxiety for me. I can barely sleep or eat sometimes. Before it heads in that direction, I don't get the bad feeling at all...

One guy in particular, I cannot seem to let him go. I have seen him probably 20 times this year. I fall off the map and then randomly miss him and text him so I can start seeing him again. And so far he has been available, however, I know one day I will lose sight of him and he will get tired of it and meet someone new. Which he totally should. I know he wants a gf, but I feel really anxious when he gets really close to me, I feel anxious and pressured. I feel scared.   Then after awhile these ease up and I contact him again to hang out.

 

Maybe I am just not cut out for casual dating, but I feel like with how my life and personality is, it might suit me best. I actually do quite well until things get serious? So maybe I should only see people a couple times and just have fun and cut off from them. If I stop dating period I can get a bit lonely after awhile. 

Even if I stop now, it won't help the people I am seeing now who it will be like a break up with...Hard to let go....

 

Can anyone relate to this?

You don't really have to select any of the guys. You can enter a romantic relationship with the guys you are interested in. Like you said, our generation is different from the ones that came before. That means we understand that monogamy is more of a drag than a good laugh, so why not, instead of crushing your own heart by rejecting the guys you are attracted to - date them all instead?

Before this virus thing I was dating 3 women at the same time. They all had characteristics that I loved about them. One was tall and slender like Kendall Jenner, and the other was exactly the same as Kylie Jenner(but without the plastic surgery) and the other one was exotic, an Iranian-born but European raised woman. Neither one of them knew about the other one, so it made dating them a bit tricky as I had to be smart about it. But you don't have to do what I did to get what you want. There's lots of men who don't mind being in a love triangle, and those guys you want to be with might just be the same way. Take a chance and see where it takes you.

[Cookiesandough]

ty he didn't break up, but I will soon...maybe I already have and just have not come to terms with it...

Edited June 22, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Azincourt]

well good luck to you in any case and here's to hoping things will get better in time.

[Roswell91]

3 hours ago, Azincourt said:

You don't really have to select any of the guys. You can enter a romantic relationship with the guys you are interested in. Like you said, our generation is different from the ones that came before. That means we understand that monogamy is more of a drag than a good laugh, so why not, instead of crushing your own heart by rejecting the guys you are attracted to - date them all instead?

Before this virus thing I was dating 3 women at the same time. They all had characteristics that I loved about them. One was tall and slender like Kendall Jenner, and the other was exactly the same as Kylie Jenner(but without the plastic surgery) and the other one was exotic, an Iranian-born but European raised woman. Neither one of them knew about the other one, so it made dating them a bit tricky as I had to be smart about it. But you don't have to do what I did to get what you want. There's lots of men who don't mind being in a love triangle, and those guys you want to be with might just be the same way. Take a chance and see where it takes you.

I don't know any guy who wants to be in a love triangle. Or girl for that matter 

[Azincourt]

4 hours ago, Roswell91 said:

I don't know any guy who wants to be in a love triangle. Or girl for that matter 

I do. 

I did. 

Was in a few relationships where the woman was dating 4 guys and I at the same time.

Was in a relationship when I was dating her and I was dating other women at the same time. 

It's great. You don't put all of your sexual needs on someone. You have a sex fantasy? Your girlfriend doesn't feel comfortable with it? No problem. There's another woman who will be comfortable with it and enjoy it, and at the same time you keep the relationship with the woman who didn't like x sex act, but likes y sex act, that the other women don't enjoy taking part in.

In Countries like China and India and Pakistan and Iran, where there are very few women compared to how many men are around them, it's becoming common practice for guys to be part of a woman's harem. It's  fun and hilarious because you get a girlfriend and you get a lot of friends to hang out with(the guys she's with).

Of course for stuff like this to happen in western nations you have to put yourself in the proper situation.

Back in college it was tens of thousands of women-students more than there were men, which made it easier for a guy to have several girlfriends going at the same time. If I lived in India, this lifestyle would be nearly impossible to pull off.  Only possible if I was like, a Saudi Prince.

Edited June 22, 2020 by Azincourt

[Roswell91]

5 hours ago, Azincourt said:

I do. 

I did. 

Was in a few relationships where the woman was dating 4 guys and I at the same time.

Was in a relationship when I was dating her and I was dating other women at the same time. 

It's great. You don't put all of your sexual needs on someone. You have a sex fantasy? Your girlfriend doesn't feel comfortable with it? No problem. There's another woman who will be comfortable with it and enjoy it, and at the same time you keep the relationship with the woman who didn't like x sex act, but likes y sex act, that the other women don't enjoy taking part in.

In Countries like China and India and Pakistan and Iran, where there are very few women compared to how many men are around them, it's becoming common practice for guys to be part of a woman's harem. It's  fun and hilarious because you get a girlfriend and you get a lot of friends to hang out with(the guys she's with).

Of course for stuff like this to happen in western nations you have to put yourself in the proper situation.

Back in college it was tens of thousands of women-students more than there were men, which made it easier for a guy to have several girlfriends going at the same time. If I lived in India, this lifestyle would be nearly impossible to pull off.  Only possible if I was like, a Saudi Prince.

Thats because you had other options, you were doing the same.

But generally speaking if a man wants some thing serious he wont necessarily be into the idea of the girl he is seeing dating multiple other men. And same with a woman. 

[Fox Sake]

9 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

ty he didn't break up, but I will soon...maybe I already have and just have not come to terms with it...

Hey if you’re both still hanging in there then who knows, Cookies. Sometimes, Love blossoms... sometimes