Can anyone relate to this kind of dating anxiety(casual dating)

[Azincourt]

44 minutes ago, Roswell91 said:

Thats because you had other options, you were doing the same.

But generally speaking if a man wants some thing serious he wont necessarily be into the idea of the girl he is seeing dating multiple other men. And same with a woman. 

That's because guys aren't usually smart about it. They get into a relationship with someone they have romantic feelings for and then it becomes all sort of complicated. Emotional ''cheating'', physical ''cheating,'' their partner dies, they develop depression over it, the partner breaks up with them, they become depressed, their lives turns itself upside down and it's all drama and nonsense.

I treat dating in a more practical manner.

She's hot.

Does she find me to be hot?

If so, we date. If not, I'll never think about her again.

Dating, marriage, all based on some chemical reactions caused by my brain seems counter-productive to my mental and physical health.

[Roswell91]

2 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

That's because guys aren't usually smart about it. They get into a relationship with someone they have romantic feelings for and then it becomes all sort of complicated. Emotional ''cheating'', physical ''cheating,'' their partner dies, they develop depression over it, the partner breaks up with them, they become depressed, their lives turns itself upside down and it's all drama and nonsense.

I treat dating in a more practical manner.

She's hot.

Does she find me to be hot?

If so, we date. If not, I'll never think about her again.

Dating, marriage, all based on some chemical reactions caused by my brain seems counter-productive to my mental and physical health.

Well  some men/women wear their heart on their sleeves. Its not as easy for them to do that 

[Azincourt]

7 minutes ago, Roswell91 said:

Well  some men/women wear their heart on their sleeves. Its not as easy for them to do that 

I noticed.  Must be exhausting.

[Roswell91]

1 hour ago, Azincourt said:

I noticed.  Must be exhausting.

Have u not felt anything  for anyone before. Beyond "theyre hot".

[CaliforniaGirl]

I was always the opposite: nervous at first (the first date, really), then less and less as time went on.

I had trouble with multi-dating. I never had a single guy on board with it. They'd all freak out and storm off in a huff. (I mean any time we had a talk about this and I revealed that I didn't think we were exclusive yet and yes, I was dating others.) I never really worried that they were losses, though. I figured it we had been "the one" or whatever for eachother, it would have worked out. It didn't, ergo....

I had one guy tell me "When you're ready to commit to just me, call me and not before." After one date. ONE date.

I mean boy please.

Edited June 24, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Weezy1973]

When I first started OLD, I was totally against multi dating, but as time went on I embraced it. Both my wife and I were multi dating when we met, so would recommend it for people using OLD to find a long term partner. For those keeping things casual, multi dating should work too!

Edited June 24, 2020 by Weezy1973

[poppyfields]

On 6/22/2020 at 4:39 PM, Roswell91 said:

Have u not felt anything  for anyone before. Beyond "theyre hot".

I could be wrong, but I have a feeling Azincourt has experienced strong emotions for a woman, and has been massively hurt. 

Which is why now and going forward he is adamant about not ever allowing that to happen again. 

So far so good but as we all or most of us know, try as we might, we don't really have much control over these feelings when they happen, which they will again no doubt!  

Sure we can control  how we react to those feelings, by running away etc. but not the emotions themselves. 

I don't think anyone has the power to do that.

Apologies to Azincout for speaking of you in the third person.  

JMO.

[rjc149]

Women are in better position to multi-date than men. They are the ones with more options. 

If a man has romantic interest in a woman, he will not be okay with her multi-dating. Revealing to him that she is indeed dating others, either by admission or discovery, will often cost her the relationship with him (if he has any self-respect, that is). 

If a man is okay with his woman multi-dating, he has little serious interest in her or a relationship, because he is dating others himself. 

Advising a woman to multi-date when looking for a serious long-term partner is practically sensible (shopping for the best deal before purchasing), but is fraught with inherent contradiction (promiscuity to secure monogamy). 

Personally, if I discover a woman I'm dating was dating other men, she's either out if I had feelings, or limited to f--kbuddy only if I didn't. I'm not interested in women with the emotional range to romance multiple men. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Women are in better position to multi-date than men. They are the ones with more options. 

If a man has romantic interest in a woman, he will not be okay with her multi-dating. Revealing to him that she is indeed dating others, either by admission or discovery, will often cost her the relationship with him (if he has any self-respect, that is). 

If a man is okay with his woman multi-dating, he has little serious interest in her or a relationship, because he is dating others himself. 

Advising a woman to multi-date when looking for a serious long-term partner is practically sensible (shopping for the best deal before purchasing), but is fraught with inherent contradiction (promiscuity to secure monogamy). 

Personally, if I discover a woman I'm dating was dating other men, she's either out if I had feelings, or limited to f--kbuddy only if I didn't. I'm not interested in women with the emotional range to romance multiple men. 

This is how you feel about it, but I'm not sure it's true of all men. In OLD, you can't expect to "lock someone down" with one date. Or even in general...that just doesn't make sense. Especially if you haven't slept together or otherwise obviously both feel you definitively want to try for something bigger.

Dating is just dating. Anyone who is this overly sensitive about a date or two and locking someone down is someone that kind of scares me, TBH. How can anyone know after one date that "that's the one"? A few people can...and get lucky and stay with the person. A lot think so, then wind up coming onto LoveShack to say "what happened...I was ghosted..."

[rjc149]

9 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

This is how you feel about it, but I'm not sure it's true of all men. In OLD, you can't expect to "lock someone down" with one date. Or even in general...that just doesn't make sense. Especially if you haven't slept together or otherwise obviously both feel you definitively want to try for something bigger.

Dating is just dating. Anyone who is this overly sensitive about a date or two and locking someone down is someone that kind of scares me, TBH. How can anyone know after one date that "that's the one"? A few people can...and get lucky and stay with the person. A lot think so, then wind up coming onto LoveShack to say "what happened...I was ghosted..."

Sounds like we have very different concepts of what 'dating' is. 

Going on a date or two with someone doesn't constitute 'dating' each other. It constitutes going on dates. For my purposes here, dating means you are seeing someone but it's not yet exclusive. Seeing someone means it's a physical relationship.

If I am seeing someone, as in, sleeping with someone on more than one occasion with developing feelings, finding out she is seeing other men simultaneously is a deal-breaker. I'm not competing with other men for a woman. I'm not playing 'pick me!' No one girl is that special to debase myself like that. Especially a girl who is riding multiple dicks at once. If she wants to shop around, she can go right on ahead. Shop all she wants. I can wish her luck and move on to better women. 

Maybe that makes me overly sensitive. Or maybe I just don't have that California mindset about dating  🌞😎 

[poppyfields]

Well I'm from CA and when I was single, and there was a mutual attraction, we both dated  "one at a time."  

CG, I never viewed it as locking anyone down.

I viewed it more like we like each other, are attracted to each other, let's focus on only each other and see where it leads. 

It may last a week, a month, a year, or forever!  

I dunno, for me I never saw the point of having a rotation once I found a man I was truly into.

I've dated enough in my life to know when it's something special or could lead to special. 

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Sounds like we have very different concepts of what 'dating' is. 

Going on a date or two with someone doesn't constitute 'dating' each other. It constitutes going on dates. For my purposes here, dating means you are seeing someone but it's not yet exclusive. Seeing someone means it's a physical relationship.

If I am seeing someone, as in, sleeping with someone on more than one occasion with developing feelings, finding out she is seeing other men simultaneously is a deal-breaker. I'm not competing with other men for a woman. I'm not playing 'pick me!' No one girl is that special to debase myself like that. Especially a girl who is riding multiple dicks at once. If she wants to shop around, she can go right on ahead. Shop all she wants. I can wish her luck and move on to better women. 

Maybe that makes me overly sensitive. Or maybe I just don't have that California mindset about dating  🌞😎 

Okay, well, if I were sleeping with someone that would obviously change things.

Just dating...well...that's just dating...

We do differ. But I agree that sleeping with, changes things and no, I've never slept with more than one person at a time. (Ick...) I did think I made that clear but this is just reiteration in case I wasn't.

ETA: As for a "California mindset," 1. We're a big place - there's no one mindset about ANYTHING and 2. I never dated in California. Literally. I got married on the East Coast and moved out here when my son was a baby. So no, I don't believe so.

Edited June 24, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Roswell91]

5 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Women are in better position to multi-date than men. They are the ones with more options. 

If a man has romantic interest in a woman, he will not be okay with her multi-dating. Revealing to him that she is indeed dating others, either by admission or discovery, will often cost her the relationship with him (if he has any self-respect, that is). 

If a man is okay with his woman multi-dating, he has little serious interest in her or a relationship, because he is dating others himself. 

Advising a woman to multi-date when looking for a serious long-term partner is practically sensible (shopping for the best deal before purchasing), but is fraught with inherent contradiction (promiscuity to secure monogamy). 

Personally, if I discover a woman I'm dating was dating other men, she's either out if I had feelings, or limited to f--kbuddy only if I didn't. I'm not interested in women with the emotional range to romance multiple men. 

Its not true that women have more options than men.

I think they will find lots of casual options f buddies, fwbs..sure. But for a relationship no.

Also women don't  tend to play games like men, so i think men have more viable options than women. 

[Roswell91]

3 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

This is how you feel about it, but I'm not sure it's true of all men. In OLD, you can't expect to "lock someone down" with one date. Or even in general...that just doesn't make sense. Especially if you haven't slept together or otherwise obviously both feel you definitively want to try for something bigger.

Dating is just dating. Anyone who is this overly sensitive about a date or two and locking someone down is someone that kind of scares me, TBH. How can anyone know after one date that "that's the one"? A few people can...and get lucky and stay with the person. A lot think so, then wind up coming onto LoveShack to say "what happened...I was ghosted..."

Its not even that.

My Preference  is date one person  at a time..go on a couple of dates with one and see if there is anything  there..if not move on to the next.

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 minutes ago, Roswell91 said:

Its not true that women have more options than men.

I think they will find lots of casual options f buddies, fwbs..sure. But for a relationship no.

Also women don't  tend to play games like men, so i think men have more viable options than women. 

Yeah, as a woman I can say that we have more options as far as the guy "playing the numbers" or the spaghetti at the wall method, but as far as quality dates that might go somewhere, I'm pretty sure we're all about even there.

[rjc149]

5 hours ago, Roswell91 said:

Its not true that women have more options than men.

I think they will find lots of casual options f buddies, fwbs..sure. But for a relationship no.

Yes I would agree, 80% of women are competing for the top 20% of men in terms of a serious relationship. Generally speaking, women will have fuller dating schedules than men, however.
 

5 hours ago, Roswell91 said:

Also women don't  tend to play games like men, so i think men have more viable options than women. 

Uh... what? Seriously?

[rjc149]

6 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Okay, well, if I were sleeping with someone that would obviously change things.

Just dating...well...that's just dating...

We do differ. But I agree that sleeping with, changes things and no, I've never slept with more than one person at a time. (Ick...) I did think I made that clear but this is just reiteration in case I wasn't.

ETA: As for a "California mindset," 1. We're a big place - there's no one mindset about ANYTHING and 2. I never dated in California. Literally. I got married on the East Coast and moved out here when my son was a baby. So no, I don't believe so.

Let’s assume she is not having sex with multiple men, but is with me.

Even still, if she’s also going on other dates, clearly the validation I’m offering her isn’t enough.

So if I had feelings for her, I consider her wishes to keep dating other guys as a rejection at best, or at worst, an attempt to pit me against other men for more validation. Either way, I bow out. They can have her. 

If I didn’t have any real feelings for her and I find out she’s dating others, I bow out because it’s not fair to take up her time when she’s looking for more than I can give. It’s not fair to the guys she’s dating either, who may have real interest in her.

I will not continue seeing a girl who is involved with other men, even if it’s just harmless dating. That’s just me. But I’m proud.

And for someone who is a California transplant, you seemed to have adopted the identity fairly strongly, no? I’ve never been, but I hear it tends to have that effect on people.

[CaliforniaGirl]

5 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Let’s assume she is not having sex with multiple men, but is with me.

Even still, if she’s also going on other dates, clearly the validation I’m offering her isn’t enough.

So if I had feelings for her, I consider her wishes to keep dating other guys as a rejection at best, or at worst, an attempt to pit me against other men for more validation. Either way, I bow out. They can have her. 

If I didn’t have any real feelings for her and I find out she’s dating others, I bow out because it’s not fair to take up her time when she’s looking for more than I can give. It’s not fair to the guys she’s dating either, who may have real interest in her.

I will not continue seeing a girl who is involved with other men, even if it’s just harmless dating. That’s just me. But I’m proud.

And for someone who is a California transplant, you seemed to have adopted the identity fairly strongly, no? I’ve never been, but I hear it tends to have that effect on people.

This is fair. Everybody wins.

I don't know about a "California identity" - but my guess is it's imagined by people who don't live here? So...maybe more like a caricature of myth? Like how people think every Texan wears a cowboy hat constantly. It's pretty varied out here.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Yes I would agree, 80% of women are competing for the top 20% of men in terms of a serious relationship. Generally speaking, women will have fuller dating schedules than men, however.

While I'm not out dating, from reading online here, it does appear that women are choosier than men.   

I'm not sure that it's as high at 80% but as (I assume) you're currently dating I will take your word for it.  But  I like stats and this is a bit of fun to play with.   

If we take a snapshot of women online at any give time, probably 80% are perennially single because they are chasing unicorns.   But 20% of women who aren't so choosy come online, date a few guys, find someone they really like and leave OLD relatively quickly.   Then another 20% of women who aren't so choosy come online and go relatively quickly.   And so on and so on.   So while a snapshot is 80% are too fussy, a survey over, say two years would alter the outcome because of all the women who quietly came, found and left.

Again, it's my 'buying a used car' adage.  If you're looking on a car sales website, a car which is still being advertised two months after first putting the ad up is not worth the phone call.   I'd put two years on advertising humans for dating, but the concept is still the same.  

Also, I wouldn't multi date either.  Nor would I date someone who is multi dating.  I really can't imagine being so desperate as to rotate through a few people per week all squashed in at the same time and with more on the horizon.  

 

Edited June 25, 2020 by basil67

[Roswell91]

6 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Yes I would agree, 80% of women are competing for the top 20% of men in terms of a serious relationship. Generally speaking, women will have fuller dating schedules than men, however.
 

Uh... what? Seriously?

Yeh seriously 

[Cookiesandough]

I guess I’d be considered picky in that I’m  probably looking at 5% or less of men, but I did eventually find one I really like.:D 
 

I would never let a guy I was dating know I was multi dating.. I don’t think anyone has suspected I am going out with multiples either. I am just busy. When someone does the ““I’m not seeing anyone else are you, focus on each other...blah blah blah”  I’m like ok, but until we are officially together... I don’t see why any of that matters. I’m just talking to you...

Multi-dating is fun, though. Variety is fun. Learning about different people, fun. The chase and conquer  is fun as hell. There’s an aspect of that which ia lot of people miss sometimes even when they’re in a great rship. But I wouldn’t trade any of that in for my bf. He’s the awesomest 

Edited June 25, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Interstellar]

9 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I guess I’d be considered picky in that I’m  probably looking at 5% or less of men, but I did eventually find one I really like.:D 
 

I would never let a guy I was dating know I was multi dating.. I don’t think anyone has suspected I am going out with multiples either. I am just busy. When someone does the ““I’m not seeing anyone else are you, focus on each other...blah blah blah”  I’m like ok, but until we are officially together... I don’t see why any of that matters. I’m just talking to you...

Multi-dating is fun, though. Variety is fun. Learning about different people, fun. The chase and conquer  is fun as hell. There’s an aspect of that which ia lot of people miss sometimes even when they’re in a great rship. But I wouldn’t trade any of that in for my bf. He’s the awesomest 

i thought I was the bee’s knees. What’s wrong with you girl? Come on...

Edited June 25, 2020 by Interstellar

[Azincourt]

On 6/24/2020 at 4:12 PM, poppyfields said:

I could be wrong, but I have a feeling Azincourt has experienced strong emotions for a woman, and has been massively hurt. 

Which is why now and going forward he is adamant about not ever allowing that to happen again. 

So far so good but as we all or most of us know, try as we might, we don't really have much control over these feelings when they happen, which they will again no doubt!  

Sure we can control  how we react to those feelings, by running away etc. but not the emotions themselves. 

I don't think anyone has the power to do that.

Apologies to Azincout for speaking of you in the third person.  

JMO.

I get that a lot, but no. 

I've never been the emotionally-attached type.

I understand that it serves a purpose, a evolutionary one, and I don't know if it's because I have no interest in having children, that I've never developed romantic feelings over someone, or if it's just something in my genetic make-up that gives me an advantage over other men in the dating world(I get rejected/dumped and it doesn't bother me in bit, which makes meeting new women a lot easier) but I seem to have my emotional-reponse triggers set up differently from most other folks.

A work of art gets me emotional. A beautiful car(just saw a 200,000 dollars 2020 Mustang parked outside my favorite restaurant), brings me to the brink of an emotional rapture, and being surrounded by gorgeous people fills me up with all sorts of feel-good emotional responses.

It seems to me that the way I'm wired is more conductive to successful relationships than I'd be, if I was just like everyone else. I don't get depressed, sad, frustrated, and my self-esteem has never suffered injury to it.

Quote

Yes I would agree, 80% of women are competing for the top 20% of men in terms of a serious relationship. Generally speaking, women will have fuller dating schedules than men, however.

top 20% of men?

And who would those top 20% of men be?

I've lived in North America. South America. Europe. Africa,  and in some parts of the Middle-East. Most of the women around those parts of the world were dating the local men.  They weren't pursuing rich 25 year old Giorgio Armani models with a Mansion and a yatch.

Yours truly has been approached and pursued by attractive women since I was born. And nothing special to look at. I'm not rich. I'm not built like a Mr. Olympia. I'm not tall.  Because if I was any of that, I'd be in Hollywood right now getting rich instead of serving drinks to these college kids in nightclubs.

 

 

Edited June 25, 2020 by Azincourt

[rjc149]

9 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

But I wouldn’t trade any of that in for my bf. He’s the awesomest 

Until, of course, you meet someone awesomer 😁

[Fresh_Start]

On 6/24/2020 at 11:55 AM, rjc149 said:

Women are in better position to multi-date than men.

Not necessarily.

On 6/24/2020 at 2:27 PM, CaliforniaGirl said:

I'm not sure it's true of all men.

Bingo.

In college, I used to have what I referred to as my "3 girl rotation".  I would date three different women at a time and if I was no longer feeling one of them, I'd replace her with someone better.  This gave me the opportunity to continue to improve upon my prospects until I met the woman who eventually became my (now ex) wife. I was kind of a player back then and have since grown out of that mindset enough that I probably wouldn't do it again for the sake of propriety, but it served its purpose well in finding what was my ideal match.  That was also back before the virtual flea market of OLD, which has changed the playing field quite a bit, but it's still feasible to date multiple women at a time if you're so inclined. 

🤔

Damn.  I need to get more inclined. 😉