Can anyone relate to this kind of dating anxiety(casual dating)

[Interstellar]

3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

 

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

C&D, I hate to say this but the way you feel -- the anxiety, the fears, liking someone but wanting to be alone at the same time, is exactly how “commitmentphobes” feel (for lack of better word).

Conflicting feelings of desiring something (a relationship) but fearing it at the same time.  Which fear manifests itself as severe anxiety and the feeling of wanting to cancel, run away and be alone.

man...this sounds like exactly like me, lol. 

it sounds like you just happen to run into needy guys. the guy you saw for two days of course you’re not gonna miss him bec. he invited you asap to another gathering and he didn’t really give you time to miss him. i don’t think that’s on you.

 

Edited June 12, 2020 by Interstellar

[Fresh_Start]

35 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

You seem to know quite a bit. 

I get paid to so you're getting expensive advice for free.

It's possible that your fear of abandonment stems from the bullying and rejection you faced from the friends who turned on you.  This could also be why you attract needy men.  By giving and giving and giving to these types you develop the misguided belief that they'll stick around and be less likely to abandon you. This can create a kind of codependency where they need you and you need them.   

[Ellener]

How was your date @Cookiesandough ?

[Cookiesandough]

5 hours ago, MissBee said:

Sounds like you may have an anxious attachment relationship style. Everyone has what's called an attachment style in relationships that usually develops from our childhood and you have secure attachment then insecure attachment and under insecure there is anxious-preoccupied attachment style, dismissive-avoidant and then ambivalent or fearful-avoidant. Google it and usually there are resources that describe the characteristics, see if any of them fit for you.

For me, knowing my attachment style was a very helpful key for understanding myself in dating as well as being able to identify the style of the other people I'm dating.

Thank you. I read about it.. I am not sure it’s me because it said signs of anxious attachment 

I want to be close to you, but I am not sure you want to be close to me:  ✅ very yes 

I want to be around you constantly or have constant constant with you to reassure me: big no, my ideal relationship we would spend maybe 2 weekends a month together max, no communication in between, but I was certain they would  be happy with that 

I feel anxious about whether our relationship will last. ✅  Definitely yes 

I worry you’ll leave: ✅ yes!!!!! 

I question whether you love me as much as I love you. I don’t really have this problem 

I want you to reassure me of your love. Nope 

I wonder if there’s something wrong with me that makes you pull away: no, when people pull away from me I am relatively sure of why. Most  of the time it is because I have not talked to them for like five months and they’ve  moved on dot com. 
 

I don’t like to be alone: Being alone is probably my favorite thing a

i’ve been told I am needy and high maintenance: no never been told that before 

 

still , that is 3 out of 9. A little alarming ... 

 

[Cookiesandough]

6 hours ago, Ellener said:

Yes, saying no doesn't make me anxious. The response tells me all I need to know.  I keep talking to different men and we'll see what transpires as we can get out more. 

I'm trying a new thing, dates by myself, where I do something different or fun just me since I can't invite anyone else, enjoying that!

I love that idea... dating yourself haha. Thanks for the input and asking about date.. I cancelled my date with the other. . But I did have a very heart to heart with the person I spent weds and thurs with. I told him about how I was sorry I am distant sometimes and how I ran from his apartment when he confessed his feelings for me , and that I was bullied so even though I like him, I might be anxious attached and scared of being hurt so I run away sometimes. . I also told him I was a serial coffee dater  and I did have a date planned tonight but I canceled and ate with my mom .
 

 I poured my heart to him and he took it very well and said he liked I could be so open. He said “ I would never hurt you”  <~~~prob untrue but it touched my heart and even  if I never see him again, it feels good to connect with another being this way 😊

 

thank you all so much for your advice & kind words. I heed all the words. .. and I’m sorry to those who deal with anxiety in general and this type in particular

Edited June 13, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

Oh and to add I told him that I need more alone time than most. That that helps create my fear. He said I don’t have to worry about that and he feels special I was so open with him 😊

[Alexa 95]

15 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I hope I am not judged for this, but I am dating a few different people casually. A lot of people do this, especially in my generation. It is kind of expected.

I woke up today with an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I recognize as fear/anxiety, which never used to happen to me when I wasn't dating. I have this fear that I am going to lose some of the people I am dating  

 

 I like a lot of these guys a lot and grow attached to them in a way, but not enough to be with them exclusively. It's irrational because when you do not become exclusive with people you can't be upset that they get someone else to become exclusive with who would become their first pick.

It's never bad until it gets somewhat serious or headed into that direction...then they want to see you a lot more often and it causes a lot of anxiety for me. I can barely sleep or eat sometimes. Before it heads in that direction, I don't get the bad feeling at all...

One guy in particular, I cannot seem to let him go. I have seen him probably 20 times this year. I fall off the map and then randomly miss him and text him so I can start seeing him again. And so far he has been available, however, I know one day I will lose sight of him and he will get tired of it and meet someone new. Which he totally should. I know he wants a gf, but I feel really anxious when he gets really close to me, I feel anxious and pressured. I feel scared.   Then after awhile these ease up and I contact him again to hang out.

 

Maybe I am just not cut out for casual dating, but I feel like with how my life and personality is, it might suit me best. I actually do quite well until things get serious? So maybe I should only see people a couple times and just have fun and cut off from them. If I stop dating period I can get a bit lonely after awhile. 

Even if I stop now, it won't help the people I am seeing now who it will be like a break up with...Hard to let go....

 

Can anyone relate to this?

Isnt that similar to a commitment phobe?

When someone gets too close you run away.

I've not personally encountered this.

You don't seem ready to date multiple people until you work through the issues.. 

As not everyone you date will end up with you long term, in essense dating multiple people, you will inevitably be rejected at some point

[Alexa 95]

15 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you so much ❤️ I am sorry you deal with anxiety too...I wonder if you've been able to overcome it to some extent.

 I never really thought I needed therapy anymore because I am so happy with my  life now and everything is so wonderful except when I see someone too much. When you are in a relationship, you have to see someone EVERY DAY just about in my experience. I have never met someone that was ok with less than a few times a week. But on the other end of the spectrum, someone you see casually, the amount you see them can feel good, but  you can lose them at ANY TIME. They will find what they want if you cannot give it. Just the way the world works. And you will be left sad and alone. That is why I don't think I could do a FWB thing and why I think a lot of people decide to commit to one, so they have a 'steady'.

 I get moments of this anxiety that I can't cope with dating and I think I may have some kind of avoidance thing that stems from being bullied? I don't know. Don't have most of the typical avoidance 'symptoms'.

 

I gotta do my hair now for my date    

I would not need or want to see someone  every single day.

Space is better in a relationship i think

[Alexa 95]

15 hours ago, simpycurious said:

Everyone experiences ANXIETY (we always call it NERVES) when you feel unsure or NOT at ease.  It's normal.........you have to tell yourself that YOU ARE OK and that

YOU GOT THIS...........athletes deal with it routinely even the best of the best HAVE the butterflies.  I think sometimes ANXIETY is a product of YOU really not being sure of what it is that you want.  The concept of FRIGHT or FLIGHT will manifest itself when anxiety levels are at their peak.  

I could go into it a lot more in depth but maybe you get the gist.

Anxiety is different to nerves which go away.

Cookies's type of anxiety sounds more like GAD.

And tunnelling herself into a hole for months isn't  "nerves"

I know people are not psychologists here but she needs to get some form of help.

Sorry Cookie if that sounded harsh. I simply don't  think these posts of yours can be trivialized like the way they have been.

Edited June 13, 2020 by Alexa 95

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Alexa 95 said:

I would not need or want to see someone  every single day.

Space is better in a relationship i think

I agree Alexa.  And I think OP is doing what many people who are anxious about relationships do -  overthink, jump way ahead, envision feeling "boxed in" and suffocated. 

Commitmentphobia is not unlike claustrophobia in that sense, both fears very real. 

Same symptoms too -- anxiety, often panic.  I know a guy who breaks out in a cold sweat and has trouble breathing before a date!  No joke. 

What these folks don't realize is that every relationship is different.  

No, it doesn't always mean you spend every day together, my bf and I sure don't!

And there have been entire weekends where I wanted my lone time, same for him!  

We allow each other tons of space.  That is what works for us. .

The key is to find someone on the same page as you with respect to how much time spent together and how much space you both need. 

When you find that person, you might wonder what all the anxiety and running away was ever about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Alexa 95]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree Alexa.  And I think OP is doing what many people who are anxious about relationships do -  overthink, jump way ahead, envision feeling "boxed in" and suffocated. 

Commitmentphobia is not unlike claustrophobia in that sense, both fears very real. 

Same symptoms too -- anxiety, often panic.  I know a guy who breaks out in a cold sweat and has trouble breathing before a date!  No joke. 

What these folks don't realize is that every relationship is different.  

No, it doesn't always mean you spend every day together, my bf and I sure don't!

And there have been entire weekends where I wanted my lone time, same for him!  

We allow each other tons of space.  That is what works for us. .

The key is to find someone on the same page as you with respect to how much time spent together and how much space you both need. 

When you find that person, you might wonder what all the anxiety and running away was ever about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is accurate.

However, with regards to the OP, even if she found someone perfect for her, her natural anxieties and self sabotaging behaviours  will creep in no matter what. 

Which is why i said she needs some time out from the dating scene to work on how to get round the issues she faces day to day.

It certainly will take time. Currently, dating all these men simultaneously is exacerbating her fears and anxieties.

Edited June 13, 2020 by Alexa 95

[simpycurious]

Maybe, the OP simply NEVER wants a relationship of significance and merely enjoys the variety combined with the CHASE.  I have a couple of friends who thoroughly enjoy the pursuit of very attractive women but when they "get them" their interest is quite short and they are quickly looking for the next gorgeous lady.  So for them (IMO), it's the CHASE that seems to be the mitigating factor for them. Of course, these are men with MANY options and I do think that having lots of OPTIONS make both men and women act differently. 

[poppyfields]

simp, I hear ya and it may be true in some cases, but in other cases, it goes deeper.

Like real anxieties surrounding intimacy and closeness, commitment to another person. 

Just the other day, I was talking with a male friend of mine, guy has not been in a relationship for 15 years!

I asked him if he ever gets lonely and he replied, "are you kidding, I feel loneliest when in a relationship.  And less lonely alone."  

This guy is extremely good looking and successful, a major player in our community.

Yes he has tons of options but rarely even dates!  Simply put, he'd just rather be alone.

There is no meeting the "right" person for a man like this, he will find something "wrong" with every woman, and every potential dating situation because again, he'd just rather be alone.

Hate to say it, but this sounds like the OP.

She ended up breaking her date last night, not surprising. 

And I still question the 2 days she claims she spent with camping guy, and his family?  Something is just not jiving.

Unless it is simply a friendship, which would make more sense. 

Edited June 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[Alexa 95]

22 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

simp, I hear ya and it may be true in some cases, but in other cases, it goes deeper.

Like real anxieties surrounding intimacy and closeness, commitment to another person. 

Just the other day, I was talking with a male friend of mine, guy has not been in a relationship for 15 years!

I asked him if he ever gets lonely and he replied, "are you kidding, I feel loneliest when in a relationship.  And less lonely alone."  

This guy is extremely good looking and successful, a major player in our community.

Yes he has tons of options but rarely even dates!  Simply put, he'd just rather be alone.

There is no meeting the "right" person for a man like this, he will find something "wrong" with every woman, and every potential dating situation because again, he'd just rather be alone.

Hate to say it, but this sounds like the OP.

She ended up breaking her date last night, not surprising. 

And I still question the 2 days she claims she spent with camping guy, and his family?  Something is just not jiving.

Unless it is simply a friendship, which would make more sense. 

What isnt jiving

[Alexa 95]

1 hour ago, simpycurious said:

Maybe, the OP simply NEVER wants a relationship of significance and merely enjoys the variety combined with the CHASE.  I have a couple of friends who thoroughly enjoy the pursuit of very attractive women but when they "get them" their interest is quite short and they are quickly looking for the next gorgeous lady.  So for them (IMO), it's the CHASE that seems to be the mitigating factor for them. Of course, these are men with MANY options and I do think that having lots of OPTIONS make both men and women act differently. 

Its not that she lacks interest though.

I think she likes some of the guys for more than a casual thing. But its her crippling anxiety which prevents her from staying in a connection.

Its a terrible shame. She really  needs to work through that. 

 

[simpycurious]

25 minutes ago, Alexa 95 said:

Its not that she lacks interest though.

I think she likes some of the guys for more than a casual thing. But its her crippling anxiety which prevents her from staying in a connection.

Its a terrible shame. She really  needs to work through that. 

 

I know that it's not the same but I have seen INCREDIBLE anxiety in the sports world.  It can cripple fantastic ability for a variety of reasons. Some are help to conquer while others never do.  I hope for the OP's sake that it is BEATABLE..........

 

[ZA Dater]

I can relate to that, perhaps in a slightly different way though. There are people around me that do make me anxious , the decision they make do sometimes keep me up at night but despite these I cant contemplate not having them around. Being in lockdown I have missed them tremendously so no what I think you feel is very normal and sure its not always good but I get the sense for you, as for me these people just give something you cant describe which keeps drawing you to them.

In some ways I think it is good to have people like that in life.

[Cookiesandough]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I agree Alexa.  And I think OP is doing what many people who are anxious about relationships do -  overthink, jump way ahead, envision feeling "boxed in" and suffocated. 

Commitmentphobia is not unlike claustrophobia in that sense, both fears very real. 

Same symptoms too -- anxiety, often panic.  I know a guy who breaks out in a cold sweat and has trouble breathing before a date!  No joke. 

What these folks don't realize is that every relationship is different.  

No, it doesn't always mean you spend every day together, my bf and I sure don't!

And there have been entire weekends where I wanted my lone time, same for him!  

We allow each other tons of space.  That is what works for us. .

The key is to find someone on the same page as you with respect to how much time spent together and how much space you both need. 

When you find that person, you might wonder what all the anxiety and running away was ever about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poppy, Alexa, simpy. Thank you 

Poppy, although I respect what you’re saying,  however in my experience in dating and also seeing what my friends have experience, men are not happy going long periods of time in a relationship without  face to face. That is such a big component of why men  get into relationships. Sex is a huge component for them and also just seeing you, cuddles, touch  being close, being able to talk in person is al vital in a relationship for them. I think the reason why it works so well for you now is because you have to be apart. When your boyfriend is out of the town, he cannot physically be with you anyway so it’s okay. But if you lived in the same town and you went a week or two without seeing him it would be odd for you guys
 

 

I don’t date needy guys only... at least to start... I’ve dated a lot of guys(not relationships) but after a couple dates  MAX and you guys start to get closer, they’ll bump up 1 date a week to two or three, then whole weekends, maybe even  then 6 days a week ...

Unless they are poly or getting their needs met somewhere else they will want to see you and be with you at least a few times a week minimum until you are married. Another thing I was considering is a poly arrangement or a person who has a main partner but still cares for others and ok with meeting me on the side. It’s a unconventional  where I’m at and may be a little too strange for me, but it’s something to consider. 

[Cookiesandough]

We are certainly not friends. WeBe slept together... So maybe FWB .

A couple months ago, I was in his apartment watching movies after we had been out. He was a little buzzed from the bar and told me how he was falling for me and didn’t want to run from love anymore even though he was scared. It was a surprise to me because we had only been out once and seeing each other a few times. But I said I am starting to feel something too.
 

We hooked up and then the next day he wanted us to run errands but I stayed up all night thinking and got freaked out again. Super claustrophobic like I was stuck  and I had made a huge mistake. So at like 5am I told him that I needed to be at a family emergency and I left. I texted him I am not ready for a relationship. He said he understood and he would  take it slower. So we ended up meeting again a couple weeks later. Back at his apartment, his friends had left and we were just chilling. Then things got weird again and the feeling came back. This time, I grabbed my things and just snuck out. I blocked him everywhere. I know that this is horrible. But I seriously felt like fight or flight. I couldn’t think much beyond just getting it out of my mind because it was  bothering me so much

He told me that after that he had not talk to me for a long time. He even said that he was ignoring me. I didn’t know that because I was blocked but apparently he had me blocked too lol. However, we started talking again and our texts we both said sorry(not sure  why he did) and we vibed. He tried to get me to meet with him a couple times and I flaked. Finally I met with him. That was this past Wednesday and Thursday

 

. I felt like we were going to be camping in his Folks backyard and maybe his parents would be out of the equation doing their own thing. It was intimate, but that’s probably just how they are. But I am not the type of person who thinks that because I talk to someone’s parents it  means anything. Especially since his parents live there. IHis parents are nice and his mom said nice things abotr me. I felt kind of nervous, but not panicky
 

I was actually made more nervous by some of the stuff that he said. Also he wants to meet with me tonight. I am freaking out again. I don’t know if I want to go.  I actually know deep down I don’t want to. Ugh. I tried to get out of it earlier by saying my friends may be having a party as well

he said; 

: Big gas roof top party in xxxxx. Let’s do both.

:I’d love to go with you if you want me to go 

:And if you want to go alone I’m not hurt.  

 

Edited June 13, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, Alexa 95 said:

Its not that she lacks interest though.

I think she likes some of the guys for more than a casual thing. But its her crippling anxiety which prevents her from staying in a connection.

Its a terrible shame. She really  needs to work through that. 

 

The OP is superior in every facet measurable IMO and I think with people like that things are just different.  They see the world different, they are more aware and they are GET LIFE differently.  So, trying to generalize or analyze them is more difficult.  For example, some athletes (sorry for the sports reference) see the GAME slow down or feel it SLOW DOWN at the most critical points.  They are able to focus and see things differently.  There's really no way to put that into context but rather you just FEEL IT.  That's maybe a bad example but the point is they are different.  The OP is much the same and that's a good thing to me. 

 

Another typo above ^^"SOME ARE ABLE (not help)"

 

[poppyfields]

cookies, to clarify, we are only apart temporarily, he will be back next week.

We do live in the same town, and for two years prior to this temp situation, we saw each other about 2 times a week, sometimes 3, and there have been times we've spent entire weekends apart, for whatever reasons including needing lone time which we both understand and respect.

And our sex life is off the charts and I think it's precisely because we allow each other space and distance. 

It was not always this way, we struggled trying to find the right balance but because we love and are committed, we worked through it and have found that balance. 

Not all relationships are the same and boy do I disagree with the notion that all men want to spend every day together. 

You are definitely meeting the wrong men if that is your experience.

Best of luck though. 

 

 

Edited June 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

54 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

We are certainly not friends. WeBe slept together... So maybe FWB .

A couple months ago, I was in his apartment watching movies after we had been out. He was a little buzzed from the bar and told me how he was falling for me and didn’t want to run from love anymore even though he was scared. It was a surprise to me because we had only been out once and seeing each other a few times. But I said I am starting to feel something too.
 

We hooked up and then the next day he wanted us to run errands but I stayed up all night thinking and got freaked out again. Super claustrophobic like I was stuck  and I had made a huge mistake. So at like 5am I told him that I needed to be at a family emergency and I left. I texted him I am not ready for a relationship. He said he understood and he would  take it slower. So we ended up meeting again a couple weeks later. Back at his apartment, his friends had left and we were just chilling. Then things got weird again and the feeling came back. This time, I grabbed my things and just snuck out. I blocked him everywhere. I know that this is horrible. But I seriously felt like fight or flight. I couldn’t think much beyond just getting it out of my mind because it was  bothering me so much

He told me that after that he had not talk to me for a long time. He even said that he was ignoring me. I didn’t know that because I was blocked but apparently he had me blocked too lol. However, we started talking again and our texts we both said sorry(not sure  why he did) and we vibed. He tried to get me to meet with him a couple times and I flaked. Finally I met with him. That was this past Wednesday and Thursday

 

. I felt like we were going to be camping in his Folks backyard and maybe his parents would be out of the equation doing their own thing. It was intimate, but that’s probably just how they are. But I am not the type of person who thinks that because I talk to someone’s parents it  means anything. Especially since his parents live there. IHis parents are nice and his mom said nice things abotr me. I felt kind of nervous, but not panicky
 

I was actually made more nervous by some of the stuff that he said. Also he wants to meet with me tonight. I am freaking out again. I don’t know if I want to go.  I actually know deep down I don’t want to. Ugh. I tried to get out of it earlier by saying my friends may be having a party as well

he said; 

: Big gas roof top party in xxxxx. Let’s do both.

:I’d love to go with you if you want me to go 

:And if you want to go alone I’m not hurt.  

 

cookies, this was very difficult to read. I'm sorry you are struggling so, truly I am. 

I think you are a decent person and I mean no disrespect at all, but your behaviour towards these men is cruel. 

Suddenly running out after they share feelings, ghosting, canceling dates last minute with flimsy excuses, etc etc. 

You said you feel "fight or flight." This is classic commitmentphobe behaviour and you even agreed with my likening it to claustrophobia.

I hope for now you will stop dating, stop messing with literally every single man interested in you,.  Again no disrespect but it's cruel and suggests a lack of empathy for their feelings.

I'm not sure why you are so averse to therapy, you seem very self-aware and admit to treating men horribly. 

I dunno, the reason why I said things don't jive is because your posts sometimes confuse me.

You appear so together, you claim to be very happy but then you write posts like the above admitting to severe anxiety, fears, fight or flight, etc. 

I'm sorry, I hope someday you will figure it out, take good care.

 

Edited June 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[Cookiesandough]

7 hours ago, Alexa 95 said:

Isnt that similar to a commitment phobe?

When someone gets too close you run away.

I've not personally encountered this.

You don't seem ready to date multiple people until you work through the issues.. 

As not everyone you date will end up with you long term, in essense dating multiple people, you will inevitably be rejected at some point

I don’t know but I think you’re right, Alexa. I have actually been dx at one point with general anxiety and given benzos if needed, but after I got my undergrad,  I was fine again. Even when I went back I didn’t have it anymore my doc said. School was triggering me. 
 

I feel like I need to stay super casual with people if I do date ....

 

Thank you, simpy. It made me smile. I’m nothing special, but I think you are 😊

 

Sorry was unclear about it, poppy. But that’s good you guys found something that works for you both. But just wondering if he changed it to one day a week with no weekends, just because he wanted to , would you be ok with it. That’s the real thing for me... there isn’t a lot of room for movement. People get into patterns that work for them but when you do t want one it goes to crap 

 

 

Edited June 13, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

sorry you feel that way about me, poppy. I thought you’d be more understanding because you are always talking about different attachment styles. It is fear and anxiety, not maliciousness, that drives my behavior in these instances. Even the guys understand... Im sorry you feel that way though. 😔 I get it’s hard for others to understand if they haven’t been through it. I won’t talk about it anymore since it upsets people. 
 

Thanks, everyone, who  helped  and  could empathize with my situation  😊

Edited June 13, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

 

Lol, changing it to one day a week with no weekends?

sweetie, I would break up with him as (1) that type of rigidity in scheduling time does not appeal to me and (2) since we spend most weekends together plus 2-3 days during the week, it would suggest he was on his way out of the relationship.

No thanks.

And I disagree about developing patterns and no movement.

The ability to be flexible is so important, I am, and I could never be with a man who wasn't himself. 

The type of rigidity you describe actually repels me.