I was raped

[ms.stressed]

It's been a year or so and I still get triggers and anxiety. 

 

I'm 118lbs. 

 

I don't eat cuz I'm not hungry.

 

I used to be 250.

 

I jog and exercise to clear my mind.

 

I want to get even 

I think about telling his friends all the time but I don't.

 

Because he called me crazy.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

I have a therapist that I speak to daily 

 

I get pelvic cramps and pain.

 

I just don't eat. 

 

Idk why.

 

I don't sleep. I wake up and stay up. 

 

When will it go away?

 

When will I feel normal again?

 

I don't like this. 

 

I stay awake every night wanting to do to tell in him.

 

But I stay silent. 

 

I stay silent.

 

 

[amaysngrace]

I’m so sorry that happened to you.  Have you considered filing a police report to get some power back?

[d0nnivain]

How awful for you. 

If you don't want to deal with the criminal justice system, would you consider a rape crisis counselor?  

[Haydn]

This is awful.

You need to talk to someone. Do you have a friend you trust? You need to get it out. What happened to you is horrific and i cannot imagine in any shape or form how you feel.

d0nnivain is right, talk to a counslor. 

 

You have a right to move on in life.

 

 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm so very sorry :(.  I totally understand why you haven't pursued criminal action.  His word/her word/time has passed :(.  I would see a rape counselor if I were you.  

I have a friend who posted on Facebook last week that she was raped last year.  Almost everyone was shocked (she was recently divorced and has 3 kids) and had no clue this had happened to her.  She shared her journey to healing and publicly thanked an older lady in her life helping her get through it all.  Now, I'm not suggesting you do what she did, but without naming her rapist, she was able to tell her story.....get it out into the universe.....and receiving nothing but love, support and compassion.  I think there can be healing in somehow putting your story/truth out there.  Maybe Loveshack is it....maybe it will help....but maybe something more will too.  A crisis counselor is probably the place to start.

[Ellener]

What you write is a poem of your feelings. 

800 656 HOPE ( 4673 ) is US National Sexual Assault Hotline.

If you speak to a therapist daily and it's not helping enough you maybe need a specific counsellor or support group where people have come through a similar experience.

💮

[Ellener]

rainn.org 

Free, confidential and 24/7

[major_merrick]

I've survived attempted sexual assaults.  It truly sucks.  I wouldn't tell his friends, but I would tell YOURS.  And if it was me, I'd go outside the system to get justice.  And if you've got a group behind you, it is a viable option.  Not that I'm recommending that, but keep your options open.  You don't have to continue to be a victim.  In my life, I've found that peace comes from retribution.  I don't know if that would work for you, but it seems that talking about it isn't bringing you the peace you need. 

[Cookiesandough]

I’m so sorry. I can feel your pain in your words. I can only imagine what you can’t been going through. Please feel free to share more of your thoughts. It can help with your  feelings. I know it is hard for you

[ms.stressed]

Thank you all so much. It means a lot. 

I went into a state of shock. I didn't know if it was rape. 

 

It took me 3 weeks and friends telling me, you're not yourself, you need help, you were raped. 

 

I walked around outside for days on end, sometimes sleeping in my car.

I spaced out. 

They couldn't press charges because when I left, I went back to the scene of the crime to get my things.

In Texas, if a victim goes back to the scene of the occurence, they can't consider it rape...and I was communicating with him about coming to get my things. 

Because I left work stuff over his place, my books, everything...

I just left and I needed to get back work. 

My mind just blocked everything but everyone was saying, "you're not yourself", "this isn't you", "why are you acting like this".

I just blocked it out. 

And then, I woke up screaming. I just yelled.

My sister said, "What is wrong with you"

I left and drove to the Police Station.

I called my friend and told her what happened.

We got into an argument. He took my phone. 

We fought.

He called me a hoe, because he saw a guy from texting me. 

I was reaching for my phone, he grabbed my arm and turned me over. He put his hand on the back of my neck. He pulled my pants down, held my legs up and put himself in me".

She said, "did you say no."

I said, "yes. I cried. I said stop! Stop! It hurts!"

He put it in the other place "I said "Ow! nooo!"

He laughed. 

 

She said it was rape.

I reported him. But I waited to late and their wasn't solid evidence.

So now I speak to a counselor every once in a while to help with the triggers. 

I can function properly, I can go to work and communicate with people, but I get flashbacks, and I cry and I get these cramps, and this need to disappear every once in a while. 

I want to disappear. 

Writing about it helps. 

I was diagnosed with anxiety and hypervigilence. 

I'm not as bad as I used to be...they said it takes time, I hope I get there soon! Lol.

I hate nightmares. 

 

[Atwood]

I'm so sorry. I struggle to talk about my own experience too vividly, but I understand the nightmares and flashbacks. I hope that you get the recovery and the peace that you need. You seem to me like someone who benefits from a narrative to help make sense of experiences. The Wolf in Your Bed by Jill Harris is a really helpful workbook that helps you create a healing narrative from experiences like abuse and rape. 

One of my therapists helped me to understand that the 7 stages of grief aren't just for grieving death. They can accurately represent the emotions you experience after a traumatic event too. It's just that the stages aren't linear and there's no guarantee you'll work through to the positive/recovery stages. My anger comes and goes, and I fantasise about telling the truth to his friends, because then I could stop feeling like the crazy ex girlfriend. But I don't, because it wouldn't create the closure we desperately seek. I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and I hope you know that you are capable of the internal work it takes to feel more whole again. You will make it. Keep talking to people you trust and seeking therapy. All the best to you ❤️ 

[Noproblem]

I am so sorry about what you went through. Is there is a way you can get him to confess and record it and bring him to justice? Is there is a way to get a very good lawyer that can start a case against.

I can't believe he'll get away with it. I am so sorry. stay strong, you got this

[major_merrick]

Rape by someone you know is just as traumatic as rape by a stranger.  Different feel to the incident, but the pain is definitely there.  And if you want to prosecute, it is nearly impossible to prove even on a good day. 

Since you can't get justice through the system, you'll have to act outside it if you need closure in that way.  Some people find they can't act against someone they were close to, because their feelings are all mixed up.  If you've got any of that going on, relax because you're normal! 

My sister drugged me and tried to sexually assault me last fall.  She's in prison now, mostly because she was pretty much caught in the act and I nearly died from the overdose.  Writing about it does help now and then, and I made a whole weird long thread on LS about it.  Since she's my sister and I'm emotionally attached to her, I can't do retribution of any kind because that would hurt me too.  So it has taken me many months to work out my feelings and my reactions. 

Give yourself time to process this.  It isn't just going to go away, but your feelings and reactions may change over time.  If that happens, accept it as part of the process.  Your brain is kind of re-wiring itself.  You've proven your strength already just by surviving and making progress!!!  💔

[Libby1]

I'm so sorry, Ms Stressed.  It sounds as though you're still very much in shock and replaying  various events surrounding this horrible attack, as well as the attack itself...which I think is very common when people have been through a trauma.

You mention that you'd had to go round to his house to collect some things, which makes me wonder if the man who attacked you is somebody you broke up with recently? 

[preraph]

Your story is one of the ones that I remember well. I'm so sorry you're still struggling with it. I'm glad you're getting help. I want you to know that it's not unusual to still be struggling with it and having flashbacks and PTSD. I hope that gets better. Sometimes it takes a while just for everything to sink in and realize what really happened. So it's like you have the initial shock and then you have aftershocks. 

 

It's so important that you keep talkin it out. You've got to make sure you are well away from that person and anyone who has contact with that person that is sympathetic to them. 

 

It can be very frustrating dealing with rape and the law. Because it is hard to prove. a lot of people think of rapes as being mostly stranger rapes but that's not true at all. Acquaintance in date rapes are the more common and that just makes it easier for the person to say it was mutual. 

 

Please remember that the important thing is that you know in your mind that this wasn't your fault. it's the rapists fault whether the law can prove it or not. We can have some regrets but you must not being mad at yourself for something you did not do and would have preferred not happen that you couldn't prevent happening except maybe in 20/20 hindsight. 

 

Just be sure you are away from that person and any affiliates so you can move on when you are able and have processed everything. And just keep talking about it and talking it out because these things are less painful in the light of day. 💔

[ms.stressed]

On 6/16/2020 at 2:41 AM, Libby1 said:

I'm so sorry, Ms Stressed.  It sounds as though you're still very much in shock and replaying  various events surrounding this horrible attack, as well as the attack itself...which I think is very common when people have been through a trauma.

You mention that you'd had to go round to his house to collect some things, which makes me wonder if the man who attacked you is somebody you broke up with recently? 

Yes. We hooked up through mutual friends. It was crazy but I'm getting better.

[ms.stressed]

On 6/16/2020 at 5:46 PM, preraph said:

Your story is one of the ones that I remember well. I'm so sorry you're still struggling with it. I'm glad you're getting help. I want you to know that it's not unusual to still be struggling with it and having flashbacks and PTSD. I hope that gets better. Sometimes it takes a while just for everything to sink in and realize what really happened. So it's like you have the initial shock and then you have aftershocks. 

 

It's so important that you keep talkin it out. You've got to make sure you are well away from that person and anyone who has contact with that person that is sympathetic to them. 

 

It can be very frustrating dealing with rape and the law. Because it is hard to prove. a lot of people think of rapes as being mostly stranger rapes but that's not true at all. Acquaintance in date rapes are the more common and that just makes it easier for the person to say it was mutual. 

 

Please remember that the important thing is that you know in your mind that this wasn't your fault. it's the rapists fault whether the law can prove it or not. We can have some regrets but you must not being mad at yourself for something you did not do and would have preferred not happen that you couldn't prevent happening except maybe in 20/20 hindsight. 

 

Just be sure you are away from that person and any affiliates so you can move on when you are able and have processed everything. And just keep talking about it and talking it out because these things are less painful in the light of day. 💔

Thank you. That means so much to me.

[ms.stressed]

On 6/16/2020 at 5:46 PM, preraph said:

Your story is one of the ones that I remember well. I'm so sorry you're still struggling with it. I'm glad you're getting help. I want you to know that it's not unusual to still be struggling with it and having flashbacks and PTSD. I hope that gets better. Sometimes it takes a while just for everything to sink in and realize what really happened. So it's like you have the initial shock and then you have aftershocks. 

 

It's so important that you keep talkin it out. You've got to make sure you are well away from that person and anyone who has contact with that person that is sympathetic to them. 

 

It can be very frustrating dealing with rape and the law. Because it is hard to prove. a lot of people think of rapes as being mostly stranger rapes but that's not true at all. Acquaintance in date rapes are the more common and that just makes it easier for the person to say it was mutual. 

 

Please remember that the important thing is that you know in your mind that this wasn't your fault. it's the rapists fault whether the law can prove it or not. We can have some regrets but you must not being mad at yourself for something you did not do and would have preferred not happen that you couldn't prevent happening except maybe in 20/20 hindsight. 

 

Just be sure you are away from that person and any affiliates so you can move on when you are able and have processed everything. And just keep talking about it and talking it out because these things are less painful in the light of day. 💔

I am. I moved to a new city! Lol.

 

[ms.stressed]

On 6/16/2020 at 2:41 AM, Libby1 said:

I'm so sorry, Ms Stressed.  It sounds as though you're still very much in shock and replaying  various events surrounding this horrible attack, as well as the attack itself...which I think is very common when people have been through a trauma.

You mention that you'd had to go round to his house to collect some things, which makes me wonder if the man who attacked you is somebody you broke up with recently? 

 

On 6/15/2020 at 7:56 AM, Atwood said:

I'm so sorry. I struggle to talk about my own experience too vividly, but I understand the nightmares and flashbacks. I hope that you get the recovery and the peace that you need. You seem to me like someone who benefits from a narrative to help make sense of experiences. The Wolf in Your Bed by Jill Harris is a really helpful workbook that helps you create a healing narrative from experiences like abuse and rape. 

One of my therapists helped me to understand that the 7 stages of grief aren't just for grieving death. They can accurately represent the emotions you experience after a traumatic event too. It's just that the stages aren't linear and there's no guarantee you'll work through to the positive/recovery stages. My anger comes and goes, and I fantasise about telling the truth to his friends, because then I could stop feeling like the crazy ex girlfriend. But I don't, because it wouldn't create the closure we desperately seek. I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and I hope you know that you are capable of the internal work it takes to feel more whole again. You will make it. Keep talking to people you trust and seeking therapy. All the best to you ❤️ I

I'm sorry. It's terrible, right? I block things out. It helps me cope. I tried dating and failed. It just didn't work for me. 

My therapy sessions have been great! I love them.

[major_merrick]

On ‎7‎/‎2‎/‎2020 at 7:55 PM, ms.stressed said:

I'm sorry. It's terrible, right? I block things out. It helps me cope. I tried dating and failed. It just didn't work for me. 

I can definitely see how something like this could make dating difficult or impossible.  I hope that someday this will change for you, as having loving partners has made all the difference for me. 

 

[Pennybobby]

I'm very sorry this happened to you. I was raped by someone I thought was a friend. He was my boyfriend's best friend. It took me almost 40 years to face it. I'm so sorry you aren't being given the justice you should get, our laws for women are ridiculous. Hugs. 

[LuckyM]

So sorry.  You need some TLC or maybe another therapist

 

Is there a legal recourse open like a civil suit??