I have been attacked and my bf did nothing :

[belinda1234]

Hi all,

New here, Im Belinda, a flight attendant from Romania. I meet a nice guy from New Zealand, 6 month before the pandemy. He work online as a trader. He has a kind of "traditional" vision of love relationship even if he lives in a very modern way (digital nomad), he likes to pay for restaurant, he doesn't like me to drive the car for him and enjoy I do chores alone..yes traditional.. . We have fun together and, for my part, planning to eventually building something really serious with him.

I propose him to live with me, in my small appartment and he accepted. During that time, we learned more about each others each days, that was great.

Recently, restaurants re open and we can't wait to go out as before. We had a good time dining then enjoying a quick walk to go back to the car. While we approach my car, I saw a young man take my ipad that I did hide behind the sit after breaking the windows. It was absolutly silly to let it inside, there is no debate about that. I was mad so I started to yell at him and he try to leave but I catch his arm. He let the ipad down and hit me but I still hold him. My bf was like shoked and didnt move. I tell him to help me but he was looking in my bag for the pepper spray.. I have been lucky that my airline compagny formed us in self defense recently and I tried to use it but it's a lot easier during the class than in real situation. Finaly, I manage to get the upperhand by throwing a knee kick on his stomach and twisting his arm I made him kneeldown. Painfully I hold his arms while he struggle. I thought it was an eternity but in reality it was probably very short. My bf was calling police with my phone and I order him to help him instead. He is down! We can overpower him! Finally that young b*stard swing his head back and burst my lip so I let him. He get up and run..

I had to stich up my lip and had bruises on all my arms and legs but I keep my Ipad (I had too much personals things on it) because of ME! I was so mad at my bf. He told me he did panic and he thought that it was better to find the pepper spray and called the police..while his girlfriend get attacked.... He act as THE tough man but I realize he is a kind of coward. I dont know maybe I over react but Im shock by his attitude.

I file a complaint in a police station but I have no doubt that he will never find him...

I am so disappointed by my bf. I don't think I can make my life with that kind of person anymore.

Do I overreact?

[simpycurious]

You are not wrong at all to be upset IMO.  That is ridiculous that your BF did not "take the fight" to this crook.  Men are "suppose" to protect whether that be honor or safety.  Before anyone starts, I am not advocating violence but there are situations IMO that require being physical

[schlumpy]

No, you are right on the money. God help you if you are ever in a situation where you are injured and need his help to escape. He will choose himself.

I'm sorry you had to find out like this but at least it wasn't life and death.

[d0nnivain]

You had training in self defense.  You also like the traditional aspects of your relationship with your BF.  In your mind, traditional means he has to be a brawler in situations like the one you faced.  He may be traditional but not in that way.  He might not have been capable of physically protecting you.  Now that you know this, he is no longer your strong masculine hero.  Your view of him has changed negatively.  

I don't know that you will ever get past that.  

[salparadise]

Did you expect your bf to beat the guy about the head and shoulders while you held him down? Sounds like you had it under control until you let him go. I know you wanted the bf to perform like a superhero, but the reality is that engaging a thief in a physical altercation is not smart. If the guy had a knife or gun, or if he had simply been stronger and more violent, you could have been seriously injured or killed. It's simply not worth the risk. Glad you escaped with only a busted lip.

As for the boyfriend, yea you might as well dump him since he didn't meet your expectations. That's what women do.

[elaine567]

Traditional ie he drives the car and splashes some cash and expects you to do all the chores... 
BUT you also provide the accommodation and when his "traditional" masculine strength was required he was fishing about in your bag for the pepper spray which I guess he didn't find as that would have meant he had to actually get close to the guy...
 

[BaileyB]

No possession is ever worth putting your safety at risk - that’s my opinion.

In terms of being disappointed in your boyfriend, yeah - I would have been upset if my safety was at risk and he stood by and did nothing. But, what you did was unwise - you put your own safety at risk. What if he had had a knife or gun? He was trying to run away and you went on the attack. You boyfriend could have been thinking like me - what the heck is she doing? Perhaps he’s seen a different side of you that is making him rethink the relationship. 

 

Edited June 13, 2020 by BaileyB

[belinda1234]

Hi everyone and thx for your answers,

 

On 6/13/2020 at 3:40 PM, salparadise said:

Did you expect your bf to beat the guy about the head and shoulders while you held him down? Sounds like you had it under control until you let him go. I know you wanted the bf to perform like a superhero, but the reality is that engaging a thief in a physical altercation is not smart. If the guy had a knife or gun, or if he had simply been stronger and more violent, you could have been seriously injured or killed. It's simply not worth the risk. Glad you escaped with only a busted lip.

As for the boyfriend, yea you might as well dump him since he didn't meet your expectations. That's what women do.

No I exept him to help me surrender him so we could hold him until police arrive... He is my bf not a total foreigner so I did exept(It seems Im so naive...)that if I fall he help me to get up, if Im attacked he doesn't stay as a dumbass watching like it is a movie.. so no I didn't want him to act as a superhero just not as an lesless person..

I am not a self defense expert at all. Exept those few lessons for my job I know nothing about martial art. I am a 5'5 woman, my bf is 6' for almost 100kg..

Again I can't agree. You don't know how much that thing cost compare to my salary and the effort I had to put on to get it. SO the idea that a little sh*t come take it in front of my eyes without moving is totally out of concern for me. Again, I guess we are totally diffferent and live in a different way but here kid and grand ma dont hold a gun because they are scared. Just nobody hold one exept police and real criminal here and Im so glad... He was a young ( 18yrs?) guy, same height as me and was between 2 cars so only one way to escape. Yes he could have a knife but the only thing I regret is that I let him go...  It's not something normal for me to let others my own stuff just because they did decide they want it.

Yes I seriously think about it but again I guess it's my fault if I have the feeling I cant trust him, not him...

 

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/13/2020 at 9:34 AM, simpycurious said:

You are not wrong at all to be upset IMO.  That is ridiculous that your BF did not "take the fight" to this crook.  Men are "suppose" to protect whether that be honor or safety.  Before anyone starts, I am not advocating violence but there are situations IMO that require being physical

I really like the things you write, plus:

dogs, real estate, Florida, Christianity, more

**sigh** 

[mark clemson]

A possible alternative to breaking up or feeling like he's "not enough" in the protection department would be to ask him to enroll in martial arts training (if he's willing) so that next time (if there is one) he has confidence to take on the mugger.

I would point out though, that it IS quite risky to attempt to engage a criminal. From what I understand, part of many martial arts approaches is apparently to recognize when the risk isn't worth it and "let the iPad go". One tends to engage when one has no other choice.

I knew one guy growing up who "had his feet stomped" (all the bones in both feet were broken) when he resisted muggers. Not sure this is the sort of thing you'd want happening to your BF over "honor" and an iPad.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 6/13/2020 at 6:10 AM, belinda1234 said:

Hi all,

New here, Im Belinda, a flight attendant from Romania. I meet a nice guy from New Zealand, 6 month before the pandemy. He work online as a trader. He has a kind of "traditional" vision of love relationship even if he lives in a very modern way (digital nomad), he likes to pay for restaurant, he doesn't like me to drive the car for him and enjoy I do chores alone..yes traditional.. . We have fun together and, for my part, planning to eventually building something really serious with him.

I propose him to live with me, in my small appartment and he accepted. During that time, we learned more about each others each days, that was great.

Recently, restaurants re open and we can't wait to go out as before. We had a good time dining then enjoying a quick walk to go back to the car. While we approach my car, I saw a young man take my ipad that I did hide behind the sit after breaking the windows. It was absolutly silly to let it inside, there is no debate about that. I was mad so I started to yell at him and he try to leave but I catch his arm. He let the ipad down and hit me but I still hold him. My bf was like shoked and didnt move. I tell him to help me but he was looking in my bag for the pepper spray.. I have been lucky that my airline compagny formed us in self defense recently and I tried to use it but it's a lot easier during the class than in real situation. Finaly, I manage to get the upperhand by throwing a knee kick on his stomach and twisting his arm I made him kneeldown. Painfully I hold his arms while he struggle. I thought it was an eternity but in reality it was probably very short. My bf was calling police with my phone and I order him to help him instead. He is down! We can overpower him! Finally that young b*stard swing his head back and burst my lip so I let him. He get up and run..

I had to stich up my lip and had bruises on all my arms and legs but I keep my Ipad (I had too much personals things on it) because of ME! I was so mad at my bf. He told me he did panic and he thought that it was better to find the pepper spray and called the police..while his girlfriend get attacked.... He act as THE tough man but I realize he is a kind of coward. I dont know maybe I over react but Im shock by his attitude.

I file a complaint in a police station but I have no doubt that he will never find him...

I am so disappointed by my bf. I don't think I can make my life with that kind of person anymore.

Do I overreact?

Had you been working at a job when this happened, you might have been fired for fighting a criminal.

 

I'm glad you saved your laptop, but out of every 100 people who react as you did, a few of (those in your shoes) get killed, and most of them get hurt even more than you did.

(and perhaps 60 or 80 of them lose their laptop)

 

This has nothing to do with your boyfriend.

Your overreaction happened when you thought you should fight a criminal.

[notbroken]

This guy is never going to be a 'real man' in the back of your mind - fair or not.  We all want people that 'have our back'.   I'm sorry, but your relationship is likely doomed.   

[ShyViolet]

What you did was not smart... you risked your life by getting into a physical altercation with a criminal.  You don't know if the guy might have been armed, or crazy, and may have killed you.  As for your boyfriend, not everyone is a fighter.  He may have been of the opinion that I just stated, that it's very foolish to engage in a physical fight with a criminal on the street and maybe he wasn't willing to do it, maybe he just froze up, maybe he wasn't willing to risk his safety to protect you.  If you are of the opinion that a man should "protect his woman" that is kind of an old-fashioned idea, maybe it's a cultural thing.... that's fine, you are entitled to feel that way.  Maybe this isn't the right guy for you.

[basil67]

You put yourself into an unsafe situation.  Now you are mad at your boyfriend because he let you handle it yourself.   If you want a guy who's a brawler and wants to get into risky situations with you, you're with the wrong man.  

[understand50]

On 6/17/2020 at 3:33 PM, basil67 said:

You put yourself into an unsafe situation.  Now you are mad at your boyfriend because he let you handle it yourself.   If you want a guy who's a brawler and wants to get into risky situations with you, you're with the wrong man.  

I do not see it this way.  She was getting robbed, and she took action.  If I was her BF/husband, I would have pulled my CCW and held the a**h*** at gun point until the cops arrived.  (Do not know what county you are in, but here in this state in the US, folks can get a CCW) Very least, would have beat the crap out of him.  (OK, tried to, as I do not know his size, but certainly joined to restrain him. as my wife/GF is in combat, I think we would have the edge.  )  She did not place herself in danger, she tried to mitigate the danger.  One could argue that by doing nothing, worse things can happen.  Why is fighting back, so looked down on? 

A little in the BF's defense, some people freeze when confronted by violence.  Its one of the things that the bad folks count on.  Also, we have been brainwashed to leave this for the cops. Note: Police are being de-funded, they are not going to be there anymore, not that they really were before this.   Society, is making it so you can not count on them.  What happened will get much worse, until society decides to crack down again.  Until then you are on your own.  Your BF, and yourself, are going to have ether stay out of society, cower in fear in your homes, or learn to fight back as you certainly did.  As for your choice in BF, cut him some slack, as not only does he have to deal with falling way short in this situation, he now knows just how  unequal he is to the new life we all face.  He will  ether resolve to get the stomach  and skills to face this head on, or stay the inadequate man he is.  Hopefully, this is one of those life lessons that changes him for the better.

So, as no one has said it.  Bravo, Belinda.  You have chosen not to be a victim.  You fought back.  You are counted among the "free" people and not the "sheep"   Let no one, make you doubt,  your courage.   If you were my GF, Wife, or Daughter, I would be proud of you.

 I wish you luck.....

[basil67]

6 hours ago, understand50 said:

 If I was her BF/husband, I would have pulled my CCW and held the a**h*** at gun point until the cops arrived.  (Do not know what county you are in, but here in this state in the US, folks can get a CCW)

The boyfriend was a Scot and comes from a culture with no guns.   The OP isn't in the US.  I suspect the whole gun bravado thing isn't relevant to them.

Edited June 21, 2020 by basil67

[snowcones]

This is why some women like thugs, criminals or bad boys.  At least they can fight and aren't scared of everything.

[basil67]

44 minutes ago, snowcones said:

This is why some women like thugs, criminals or bad boys.  At least they can fight and aren't scared of everything.

Until they thump you or end up in jail.....

[Fresh_Start]

This comes down to basic fight or flight instincts.  When Belinda saw that a valued possession was in the process of being stolen after having her windows smashed, she chose to fight.  Those of you who are being critical of that decision can't really say for certain how you would have responded in the same situation because you weren't in it.  Her adrenaline response kicked in and she acted.  Take a look at this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjfJ4-ciIfE

That is a 60 year old woman fighting off an armed robber with a gun in his hand.  It is a far more dangerous scenario than the one described in the OP. 1) She's elderly 2) she's all alone 3) the guy had a gun.  Like Belinda, the woman in that video saw a crime in progress and acted on her own fight or flight response.  

As for the boyfriend, he watched Belinda get physically assaulted and did nothing.  If I saw a woman get physically assaulted, especially one that I love, the man who did it is getting freight trained into the asphalt.  There is a protective "switch" that needs to flip in dads, husbands, boyfriends, older brothers etc. when they see the women and children in their lives being attacked or in danger that overrides what would otherwise be rational thought.  It's like the Florida dad that we all heard about who caught his son being molested and proceeded to nearly beat the molester to death.  That father was neither a criminal nor a foolish man; he was just protecting his child like Belinda's boyfriend should have protected her.  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

9 hours ago, Fresh_Start said:

This comes down to basic fight or flight instincts.  When Belinda saw that a valued possession was in the process of being stolen after having her windows smashed, she chose to fight.  Those of you who are being critical of that decision can't really say for certain how you would have responded in the same situation because you weren't in it.  Her adrenaline response kicked in and she acted.  

That is a 60 year old woman fighting off an armed robber with a gun in his hand.  It is a far more dangerous scenario than the one described in the OP. 1) She's elderly 2) she's all alone 3) the guy had a gun.  Like Belinda, the woman in that video saw a crime in progress and acted on her own fight or flight response.  

As for the boyfriend, he watched Belinda get physically assaulted and did nothing.  If I saw a woman get physically assaulted, especially one that I love, the man who did it is getting freight trained into the asphalt.  There is a protective "switch" that needs to flip in dads, husbands, boyfriends, older brothers etc. when they see the women and children in their lives being attacked or in danger that overrides what would otherwise be rational thought.  It's like the Florida dad that we all heard about who caught his son being molested and proceeded to nearly beat the molester to death.  That father was neither a criminal nor a foolish man; he was just protecting his child like Belinda's boyfriend should have protected her.  

 

"Belinda" wasn't even protecting herself...perhaps had her instincts  been a bit better conceived, her boyfriend would have been less shocked at her risk-taking  and more inclined to 'protect' her.

 

A 60-year-old woman seeming to fight somebody with a gun is already in a place where she might see herself as having nothing left to lose, which changes the equation considerably.

 

"Belinda" risked it all on a silly laptop computer.

 

 

Edited June 22, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Fresh_Start]

11 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

"Belinda" wasn't even protecting herself...perhaps had her instincts  been a bit better conceived, her boyfriend would have been less shocked at her risk-taking  and more inclined to 'protect' her.

A 60-year-old woman seeming to fight somebody with a gun is already in a place where she might see herself as having nothing left to lose, which changes the equation considerably.

"Belinda" risked it all on a silly laptop computer.

I said nothing about her protecting herself so let's not modify my argument.  What she did was try to prevent the theft of her personal property after witnessing someone breaking into her vehicle.  Lots of people will intervene in some way if they're witnessing their property being damaged or stolen.  There are little old ladies who have "risked it all" over their silly purse.  The incentive to do so increases exponentially for those who might not have the financial resources to replace the item in question.        

Petty thieves are typically not going to have a weapon and those that do are not going to be very inclined to commit what would be a double homicide in this case over a "silly laptop".  Even the armed robber in the video I posted didn't resort to murder nor attempt it and the crime he was attempting carries a much stiffer sentence than petty theft.

The first action Belinda took was to yell at the thief and it should have been her boyfriend's immediate reaction as well.  A man yelling "Hey!" could have been enough to send the guy running.  In this case, Belinda yelling at the thief was not enough of a deterrent and she didn't want her personal property stolen in addition to already having her window(s) smashed.  She was justifiably angry and she chose to act rather than allowing the crime to occur.  Likewise, the 60 year old woman from the video could have just as easily cowered in the corner with her hands raised saying "Don't shoot!", but it didn't go down that way.  Fight or flight.

You're armchair quarterbacking this one without having been in the situation yourself so take it easy on the OP and stop defending the inaction of the boyfriend.  Once the situation deteriorated into her being physically assaulted, it takes an exceptionally selfish coward to stand there doing nothing.  

Edited June 22, 2020 by Fresh_Start

[mark clemson]

Or, does it take an exceptionally selfish and foolish female to expect a BF of less than a year to risk getting maimed permanently or killed over their laptop?

You would have pulled out your gun. Maybe they're in a country where it's illegal to carry guns as a civvie?  He didn't have one, perhaps the thief did and hadn't pulled it yet. That pretty much ends it badly for him.

As mentioned above, I've seen this type of situation end VERY badly for some who attempted to stand up against criminals. I know a second person who was shot (he survived by a fluke - the gun was a saturday night special and the bullet literally was diverted by his zygomatic arch). He was very lucky to wake up in the hospital alive.

One person's selfish coward is another person's level headed and smart responder. One person's "hero" is another person's idiot.

You really think cops and ER's don't clean up the bodies of would-be hero's every so often?

[Fresh_Start]

@mark clemson So if you saw your wife or girlfriend (or any woman for that matter) getting physically assaulted and sustaining bodily harm you would just stand there and let it happen?

[mark clemson]

I would try to do something. What exactly that would be would depend a lot on specifics. If I thought I had little chance of successfully intervening, e.g. if the guy was obviously MUCH bigger than me I might do something other than try to take him on myself. For example I might try to negotiate him off of her, draw him away or yell that I was getting help and call 9-1-1, attempt some sort of ruse, etc. If he had a gun and I didn't that would certainly complicate things...

So I answered your question. How about you answer mine at the end my last post above?

Edited June 22, 2020 by mark clemson

[Fresh_Start]

42 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I would try to do something.

That's already more than Belinda's boyfriend did.

42 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

What exactly that would be would depend a lot on specifics. If I thought I had little chance of successfully intervening, e.g. if the guy was obviously MUCH bigger than me I might do something other than try to take him on myself. For example I might try to negotiate him off of her, draw him away or yell that I was getting help and call 9-1-1, attempt some sort of ruse, etc.

You don't have time to give it that much thought when your wife, girlfriend, child etc. is in imminent danger and already sustaining bodily harm.  That's what I mean about the protective instinct as well as the fight or flight response.  She's now already beaten and bloodied or dead.  Hesitation in a life or death scenario typically results in the latter.  (I'm not saying that was the case for the OP and her boyfriend, I'm just emphasizing my point)

52 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

So I answered your question. How about you answer mine at the end my last post above?

I took your question to be rhetorical because of the obvious answer. 

"A coward dies a thousand deaths, a hero dies but once."  I'll assume you're familiar with the Shakespeare quote, but do you know what it means?  It's a metaphor to convey how a person feels inside each time they cower in the face of a challenge (or danger).  That person "dies" a little inside each time he chickens out, meaning that he loses a little bit of himself, his dignity and strength of character each time he refuses to face a challenge of life or cowers in the face of danger.  I would rather be a dead hero than a live coward who could have saved the life of somebody else but didn't because I was more concerned with my own precious skin.  Survivor's guilt and PTSD are not pleasant to live with. 

There are those of us who will do anything for the people we love, including laying down our life to protect them, and if you can't relate to this then I'll just chalk it up to us not being wired the same way.