She cheated... But I want her still...

[uRabbit]

Okay, so my girlfriend cheated on me with this guy from her school. After a whole day of trying to get information out of her, she tells me that she's never been happy in a relationship and that when she realized how happy I make her, she got scared and felt that she doesn't make me happy enough, and this guy just happened to be there at the wrong time.

 

After school, they were talking, and he decided to kiss her. She "doesn't know" if she kissed back... She said she didn't know what to do. And then she said she loved him and crap. She says she doesn't know why did all this, only that she panicked when she was happy with me and thinks she doesn't deserve it.

 

I told her that I'm willing to give her another chance, if... she tells this guy before Friday... And if she can't do it, then ignore him until he gets pissed at her and let him get pissed. I gave her until Friday because, if it's not done by Friday, I've got four guys plus myself, willing to take care of this mess.

 

So here are my questions:

1) I believe her when she says she loves me and that she panicked when she was happy with me; but why does she panic? She's never had a happy relationship...

2) What would be the best way for her to deal with this guy? (I think he'll get pissed, so I told her not to do it alone...) Also, I don't know if she can do it face-to-face...

3) I told her that once she does that, to take a day - or however long it takes - to think things through. But she felt that she didn't deserve my love and that she hurt me so bad, that she cut herself multiple times.

4) Should I believe her when she says this? She's trying to do this right, but I don't think she's trying hard enough...

 

Thanks in advance!

[d'Arthez]

So here are my questions:

1) I believe her when she says she loves me and that she panicked when she was happy with me; but why does she panic? She's never had a happy relationship...

People can fear what they think of as happiness. And many times it even happened, that people throw away the happiness, to get what they "deserve" - misery. The "deserve" is not true, but the feel that way. Most often that points to self-esteem and self-worth issues.

2) What would be the best way for her to deal with this guy? (I think he'll get pissed, so I told her not to do it alone...) Also, I don't know if she can do it face-to-face...

That is a tricky question. Her words were very strong towards the guy, so simply ignoring him would probably not be the wisest course of action.

 

I don't know the guy, but you / she might even consider taking you with her. So that:

a) you know if she really did it (and the guy has no chance to lie to you about it) .

b) she won't be alone

c) she is directly with the person who should support her most in this. That can be comforting.

 

3) I told her that once she does that, to take a day - or however long it takes - to think things through. But she felt that she didn't deserve my love and that she hurt me so bad, that she cut herself multiple times.

Is she perhaps depressed as well? Cutting is not behavior people engage in when they feel happy with themselves. Add to that, the earlier mentioned issues, and you might want to strongly advice her to seek psychological help.

 

And if she is depressed, it is very hard for her to make any positive decision. With regards to the relationship, but also with regards, to school, work, or whatever social setting.

 

4) Should I believe her when she says this? She's trying to do this right, but I don't think she's trying hard enough...

If she is indeed depressed, and has self-esteem issues, it would not be surprising if she was not trying hard enough. Because she can't then. A person who suffes from depression does not think exactly like a normal person, but then at 80% of capacity of a non-depressed person. It is much more complex than that.

 

I don't know what the options are, but if she has access to counseling via school or work, you might want to strongly suggest that she takes it. The better she gets an understanding of herself, and recovers her self-esteem and becomes less depressed (if she is), the easier the relationship would be for the both of you. And a lot more fulfilling too.

[uRabbit]

I agree with everything you say. However:

 

1) She would not be willing to take me along when she tells the guy because either I'd attack him (or so she thinks), or he would attack me. I won't attack him though... But I'll definitely ask her...

 

2) I know she's depressed, because she completely regrets what she let happen, and because she's confused...

 

3) She would <i>never</i> go for getting help. The only possible way would be if one of her parents made her.

 

 

So, umm... Everytime I talk to her, I get a little bit of my heart broken again... 'Cause I always ask the same questions, like, "So do you want to be with him?" And her answer to these questions are always "I don't know." Unless I ask her if she loves me or wants to be with me. It's 'yes', then. But what should I think of this? I'm currently quite confused. I don't know if she has feelings for him or if it's her thinking she doesn't deserve me that's doing it...

[leeroy1985]

my girlfriend cheated on me when she was drunk and she said she straight away pulled away from the kiss when she realised what she had done.... i was furious and badly wanted to beat the sh*t out of this guy, its a male dominance thing, thats why she'll never agree to take you with her.

 

In my situation my girlfriend knew that she wanted me, i dont beleive in second chances when it come to things like this but she said that me breaking up with her made her realise what she wanted.... ME! Now your girlfriend doesnt seem to realise what she wants and personally after cheating on you you'd think that shed try her hardest to get you to beleive that all she wants is you so id say she has commitment issues or shes badly insecure... this can make you think really stupid things like "hes only with me because he pitys me because im ugly" which can force reactions like cheating when another man shows interest.

 

I simply said to my girlfriend, if you want to stay with me you have to EARN my trust by not going out without me for a while, you can go out with your friends but your not drinking and you even look at this lad again were over. A little harsh in areas but she had done the dirty and if she really wants to stay shell be willing and she was so why not take that approach and see where it goes.

[HotCaliGirl]

If she can't decide whether or not she wants to be with the guy she cheated on you with, then it's more than a depression or insecurity issue since it involves her having feelings for the guy enough to not only cheat on you but to not know after all these days if she wants to break it off with him, all the while you are making excuses for her, similar to weak people who don't want to tell someone straight up that they don't want to be with them anymore and instead say "it's not you, it's me" which applies in your situation since you believe her that it's not you - that she does indeed love you (which may of course be the case) BUT she also has enough feelings with this other guy to the point where she's not regretting what she did enough to run to him and say she had made a mistake and that she already has a boyfriend, instead she's not sure what she wants to do.

 

I'd give her some space and let her follow her heart - I don't think you'd want her to be with you out of pressure or pitty so maybe you could reassure her that you love her by showing patience and understanding towards her feelings and be sure to tell her parents she cut herself so that they could talk her into getting some help before she hurts herself again and to help enable her to function more responsibly in a relationship.

[uRabbit]

Well, see... She says she knows she made a mistake and that she wants to make it right... Grr... This is so hard! She has been ignoring his text messages and hasn't seen him at school (she says). Today, she said she's going to bitch at him, because he emailed me.

 

Well... I don't know... I'd give her space, but I'm afraid that she'll think I don't want to be with her anymore and she'll freak out again... She said her and him were never going out, which is kinda true. But she didn't say she did anything to stop the kiss... But that's 'cause of her depression, I guess... I asked her if she had feelings for him, and she doesn't know... The only thing she's sure of is her feelings for me and wanting to be with me... So her confusion is confusing and depressing me to a point where I just can't take it anymore and all I want to do is beat the sh** out of the guy and see where it goes from there...

[Cecelius]

I lost the ability to read after I saw "My g/f cheated on me..."

 

Who cares what psychological problems she has? Her terror of being happy or her fear that she wasn't making you happy drove her to make out with another guy? Do you honestly think this is the first/last time?

 

Think well of her, from far away, then (also, she has total power to shut the other guy down and has simply not done it -- she likes the attention).

 

There are millions of balanced girls in the world who won't cheat on you. Why give a second chance to someone who already did?

[uRabbit]

Mkay, so I think I'm crazy... I was sitting there after I told her I couldn't do it anymore. I told her I can't sit around and wait for her to make a decision when the obvious choice is right in front of her. I sat there... In front of me was a pair of scissors which I took a keen eye to. So I used them... A lot. I mean, a lot... for a first-timer anyway... Ten on my left arm that bled, and fifteen on the right that bled...

 

She found out somehow... I don't really remember how she found out, because after I did it, I put the scissors away and my eyes were full of tears and I was dizzy... ended up running into a wall, falling back and hitting my head on the couch and almost blacking out...

 

Anyway, she found out... She said she was sorry that she made me hate her. I told her that if I hated her, I wouldn't be trying to work things out, and other stuff. I told her I was sorry it's hard for her to love me. She said it's not hard at all. She called me after her shower and asked what I was doing. I said 'crying'. She asked why. I said, "The numbness from the cutting wore off so I thought of you and what I can't have." She asked what can't I have. I said, "You." She said, "Babe, you can." I said, "How?" She asked if I work Friday. I told her I work 11:30 to 2 and she said I should come over that day so we can talk and maybe watch a movie or something.

 

I'm kinda confused about this... Does this mean she wants to do what she can? Does this mean she'll tell Joey? Well, I don't think it means she'll do anything about Joey... Maybe ignore him, I dunno. But it means she wants to make things right... I'm happy about this, but...

 

But this means that everytime we have a serious problem, I'll have to cut myself or do something drastic to get her to realize that we have to work this out somehow...

 

Thoughts?

[Cecelius]

My thoughts are: Find a responsible adult that you can talk about your problems with NOW. Maybe its the parent in me talking, but there is NO CHICK ON THE FREAKING PLANET that is worth cutting yourself over.

 

Second, the cutting plants you squarely in a dopey, gay little drama that she started, and when she heard about it, you know what it meant to her? "I matter to him." Don't give her the satisfaction.

[uRabbit]

My thoughts are: Find a responsible adult that you can talk about your problems with NOW. Maybe its the parent in me talking, but there is NO CHICK ON THE FREAKING PLANET that is worth cutting yourself over.

 

Second, the cutting plants you squarely in a dopey, gay little drama that she started, and when she heard about it, you know what it meant to her? "I matter to him." Don't give her the satisfaction.

 

I know what you're saying... But she is right that we can't solve problems over the phone. We only solve them face-to-face. And no, not because we kiss and hug it all away. I dunno though... We'll see how it goes Friday, I guess...