Guide me out....

[LostMoon]

Crying my heart out... 

Dont have strength to write all storie... But I'm devastated, hurt, feel I'm not going to survive all this what is happening,  even if I would have too..

Please, help me out of relationship with MM.. 

[Beca L]

Hi,

we’ve all been there and in some ways we still are. So sorry to hear you are going through a really tough time, I feel your pain. Only OW on this thread truly understand but unfortunately every story is pretty much the same. 
It would be good to hear your story and maybe we can help, are you in NC ? Or just thinking about it ? We can try and support and help you through this. 
take care and when you are ready tell us more. Hugs xo xo 

[LostMoon]

I have been in few extremely thought situations in my life and from them I know, that ones I admitted to my self, I'm doing wrong, I want to do better with my life, ones I admitted it to people who are close, I started to do better. 

So, I'm terrible scared to admit where am I now... because I know, that this will be the start of the end

I love this man for 4 years. 

For those, who loved MM, i can tell, that for one word from him, i would give up everything and without eye blink..

 For one kiss i would walk 1000miles, and I would be ok to die right now right here just so I can see his face. 

That's where my emotions are, my heart and my life. And it HURTS... 

Hurts that much, that I'm starting to think, maybe I'm mentally ill? Pain is so intense,  that I starting to get difficulties with keeping my self on even "surviving" mode track...I want to cry, only. Or see him. 

Ok. Now the facts. Moved to another country, was looking for job. He called me, when I heard hes voice, I knew, something is happening. Like, you know, intuition is at times very clear. He asked if I could help him with cooking,  as he is a doctor, and works all the time. We kind of agreed, but never called me. After one year, I needed to do some tests, went to my doctor, and got so surprised, it was him, who was there instead.  We talked, and in my mind i was paying, because i felt , something is happening..

 

I have a family. Good loving Husband, and 2 children. 

Edited June 14, 2020 by LostMoon
Missed a word

[LostMoon]

To make it short, I started to write messages for him, was blinded completely inside, havent ever experienced anything like this before, when you feel that you have no control, you do it, because you can not not do it. 

Feelings to him from my side I felt immediately,  at the first second when I saw him at hospital. If it would not been happening to me, I would never believe in such thing...

I felt all the same as i feel now, 4 years later.  

We started to communicate,  took few months before i understood he is married, with children. 

Before this, I thought, I'm a woman, who first of all would never cheet on husband. Second, would sleep with married man. 

But I did all that, humiliating all my values, all my believes, hating my self for doing this... I could not stop my self at that time. Looking back, I know, I had a chance to stop before it even started. Before taking any step, I should stop and look at it and make a form decision not to go this way. But this I know only now. And how to stop now, I have no idea..

After a year,  he decided to move to another city, so we could stop. But we didnt. We fly to each other, he drives to me, even if it takes 10hours one way.. 

[LostMoon]

When it started, I started to tell to my husband, that something is happening with me.. he was listening, but i think, didnt took it seriously enough, i felt, he is kind of fine with it. My husband is much older, and our relationship never was based on passion, we never have had that and almost 9 years we live as good friends, no sexual relationship.  He knows, i have feelings for another man, we have been going to the therapy together, and kind of both are ok, with how it is now. He wants to live with me, we connected with warm friendly feelings, children. He dont want any other relationship for him. And we agreed, that if I would want to separate,  we would talk about this again. 

STRANGE SITUATION...

MM, he will not divorce.  The only solution for my pain to stop is, me leaving him... But how? 

No contact, I tried, I can survive a day... and then I better can cut my hand of, then not taking to him again. I'm seeing therapist,  learned alot, really alot.. But I have no vision of future. And before I do, I can not make any decisions. 

Have been telling for him, how I feel,  that I'm really suffering, and he says, he wants to see me, and I know, he is suffering too. He is psychiatrist,  and sometimes he says, it all goes beyond hes knowledge and understanding.. 

For those who went through no contact and keeps it, how did you started? What did you felt? 

My mind is saying,  I can do it. I have to do it. My heart is crying, I feel like no matter the pain, no matter anything, I want him, only him... 

[LostMoon]

5 hours ago, Beca L said:

Hi,

we’ve all been there and in some ways we still are. So sorry to hear you are going through a really tough time, I feel your pain. Only OW on this thread truly understand but unfortunately every story is pretty much the same. 
 

Beca L, I feel very thankful for your response.. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, LostMoon said:

My mind is saying,  I can do it. I have to do it. My heart is crying, I feel like no matter the pain, no matter anything, I want him, only him... 

It’s a sad day when you are willing to put a man ahead of your children and the stability of their family. 

Look, your husband sounds like a very nice man and it doesn’t sound like he would be shocked if you asked for divorce. That doesn’t solve your problem in that the man you have set your sights on is unavailable. Thus, you are in a position of emotional pain with no solution in sight. 

I hope you are able to continue your counselling. It would seem that you have much to discover about yourself and some hard decisions to make before you can begin to live a truly authentic and happy life. 

 

Edited June 14, 2020 by BaileyB

[PhoenixRising8]

I don't even know where to begin ...

The man is a psychiatrist whom you met in person while expecting your regular doctor. I am assuming you have mental health issues you are dealing with if you are seeing a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist who has an affair with a patient is a predator who is taking advantage of your vulnerability. He has treated you at least once. Therefore he crossed a professional ethics boundary of significant importance. He will never leave his wife for you as that would bring to light his predatory and unethical actions. He would lose his licence to practice. It is not uncommon for people to develop feelings for their psychiatrist or psychologist. It's called transference. If he is still a doctor you see professionally, stop now.  You are getting no medical benefit from that relationship.

The only way out is to just say no and stop. There is no easy painless way. You will have to suffer. I'm sorry but there is no other way. Good luck to you. 

[BaileyB]

42 minutes ago, LilKatKat said:

A psychiatrist who has an affair with a patient is a predator who is taking advantage of your vulnerability. He crossed a professional ethics boundary of significant importance. He will never leave his wife for you as that would bring to light his predatory and unethical actions. He would lose his licence to practice. 

This. If you saw this man as a patient then his behavior is very inappropriate and unprofessional. This is predatory behavior and who know how many other vulnerable women he has seduced. 

You write as if there is a certain “inevitability” to this affair and it seems you believe that the two of you have no control or ability to separate - past attempts have just not worked. Both of these beliefs are false - you have both chosen this and as such, you can chose to make a different and better decision. But I don’t know if you will, because you don’t seem to believe that you will be able to suffer the pain of this loss. My argument being, the pain you will suffer when you children discover your affair will be far worse... and you have absolutely no right to do this to your husband. I’m sorry to be blunt, but it’s true. 

This is no great love affair. The fact that he is willing to drive 10 hours one way to get to you doesn’t prove his love, it nearly shows how far he willing to go to get what he wants from you. As Kitkat says, there is no easy way here... no way to avoid the pain. The only way to get past this affair is to move right through it. Learn about yourself, deal with the hard facts, and feel the pain. Only you know if you are able to do this...

Edited June 14, 2020 by BaileyB

[LostMoon]

1 hour ago, LilKatKat said:

I don't even know where to begin ...

The man is a psychiatrist whom you met in person while expecting your regular doctor. I am assuming you have mental health issues you are dealing with if you are seeing a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist who has an affair with a patient is a predator who is taking advantage of your vulnerability. He has treated you at least once. Therefore he crossed a professional ethics boundary of significant importance. He will never leave his wife for you as that would bring to light his predatory and unethical actions. He would lose his licence to practice. It is not uncommon for people to develop feelings for their psychiatrist or psychologist. It's called transference. If he is still a doctor you see professionally, stop now.  You are getting no medical benefit from that relationship.

The only way out is to just say no and stop. There is no easy painless way. You will have to suffer. I'm sorry but there is no other way. Good luck to you. 

No, I dont have mental issues, he is psychiatrist,  but was changing my regular family doctor while he was sick. 

We met, as I said, before this. So it was not doctor patient situation. 

[LostMoon]

I know, I understand,  I'm doing wrong.. 

I see what It does to me.. i understand,  what it may do for children, and already does, as energetical we are connected... and as a child i went through this horrible pain my self.

And still... I'm where I'm. I am continuing with therapy, and see good dynamic within my self, but it goes not with the speed I would desire.. Pain is always present. I want to be aware of the steps I make, I want to do things with no falling back, but does readiness ever comes in such situations?

I dont like my self talking about that I'm hurt and staying in it.

That's why I ask here, those who left affair, those who loved that man deeply, how did they made a decision? 

 

[PhoenixRising8]

28 minutes ago, LostMoon said:

No, I dont have mental issues, he is psychiatrist,  but was changing my regular family doctor while he was sick. 

We met, as I said, before this. So it was not doctor patient situation. 

He treated you as a doctor in whatever capacity. So yes, it is a doctor patient situation. You may have previously met but the affair started after he treated you. He is a psychiatrist by specialty. He definitely should know better. 

[LostMoon]

9 minutes ago, LilKatKat said:

He treated you as a doctor in whatever capacity. So yes, it is a doctor patient situation. You may have previously met but the affair started after he treated you. He is a psychiatrist by specialty. He definitely should know better. 

He didnt treated me, and I should explain that in my first message. 

I came to my family doctor, for national woman cancer prevention check.  I was treated by female doctor. 

[PhoenixRising8]

6 hours ago, LostMoon said:

After one year, I needed to do some tests, went to my doctor, and got so surprised, it was him, who was there instead.

So you went to your doctor, he, a psychiatrist, was substituting while your doctor was sick but a female doctor treated you at that visit. Sorry but I'm confused. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, LostMoon said:

That's why I ask here, those who left affair, those who loved that man deeply, how did they made a decision? 

Well, considering that he’s told you that he’s not leaving his wife, you have only two options - continue as you have been or end it. There is no happy ending to be had here.

You will decide to end it when the pain of staying in a dead end relationship becomes greater than the pain of ending it. Despite your suffering, you are clearly not there yet. 

Edited June 14, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, LostMoon said:

He didnt treated me, and I should explain that in my first message. 

I came to my family doctor, for national woman cancer prevention check.  I was treated by female doctor. 

If your family Doctor was not present, and you were treated by a female doctor, why was he present?

[LostMoon]

13 minutes ago, LilKatKat said:

So you went to your doctor, he, a psychiatrist, was substituting while your doctor was sick but a female doctor treated you at that visit. Sorry but I'm confused. 

Yes, by the rules such tests here can be made by same gender doctors. One can ask for it. 

[LostMoon]

12 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If your family Doctor was not present, and you were treated by a female doctor, why was he present?

Seriously???? I will leave from here, because I didnt came here for that. I asked for help.. 

Doctors, before they become fully specialists, they have to practice in different fields. My doctor was not present, MM was. I went there for woman cancer prevention test, saw him there, and was treated by the female doctor.  

[LostMoon]

18 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If your family Doctor was not present, and you were treated by a female doctor, why was he 

Let's say, even if it would have been so, not appropriate beginning,  what does it have to do with my questions? 

 

Edited June 14, 2020 by LostMoon

[LostMoon]

I'm sorry... it just made me more sad, I came here for help... 

Thank you for those who readed, and responded in what ever way.. 

[BaileyB]

Just trying to understand the relationship. If he has acted as your physician, it changes things because that would be very inappropriate. It says a lot about the man.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

9 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It’s a sad day when you are willing to put a man ahead of your children and the stability of their family. 

Look, your husband sounds like a very nice man and it doesn’t sound like he would be shocked if you asked for divorce. That doesn’t solve your problem in that the man you have set your sights on is unavailable. Thus, you are in a position of emotional pain with no solution in sight. 

I hope you are able to continue your counselling. It would seem that you have much to discover about yourself and some hard decisions to make before you can begin to live a truly authentic and happy life. 

 

In this particular instance at this time, I don't think divorce is the best option. Husband is aware and apparently content with the arrangement, kids involved, and OP sounds extremely unstable. Adding divorce along with its affect on the kids might drive her to suicide. I'm reading an extreme suffering in her posts, which I dare say sounds more miserable than what I experienced breaking it off with my xMM...and my experience was nothing short than absolute emotional hell!!!! Much worse than dealing with my father's death when I was age 19 or anything else I've had to endure. 

Suicide is a very bad outcome for all involved. First OP needs to stabalize herself emotionally and then sort out the rest.

[Amethyst68]

Quote

Husband is aware and apparently content with the arrangement

Is he? What the OP wrote  is that her BH knows she has feelings for another man. There is a big difference between that and having a sexual affair, many men will draw their line in the sand at sexual contact of any kind.

 

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, LostMoon said:

Seriously???? I will leave from here, because I didnt came here for that. I asked for help.. 

Doctors, before they become fully specialists, they have to practice in different fields. My doctor was not present, MM was. I went there for woman cancer prevention test, saw him there, and was treated by the female doctor.  

The details matter because, before people can help you, they need to understand the nature of the situations in which you first interacted with him. There's a big difference between advising someone who just happened to fall in love with a psychiatrist and advising someone who fell in love with a psychiatrist who is breaking the ethical guidelines associated with his job.

So please don't be upset. People want to help you the best way they can. That's why they're asking the questions.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

2 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

Is he? What the OP wrote  is that her BH knows she has feelings for another man. There is a big difference between that and having a sexual affair, many men will draw their line in the sand at sexual contact of any kind.

 

HERE YA GO (she said more than 'he knows'):

21 hours ago, LostMoon said:

When it started, I started to tell to my husband, that something is happening with me.. he was listening, but i think, didnt took it seriously enough, i felt, he is kind of fine with it. My husband is much older, and our relationship never was based on passion, we never have had that and almost 9 years we live as good friends, no sexual relationship.  He knows, i have feelings for another man, we have been going to the therapy together, and kind of both are ok, with how it is now. He wants to live with me, we connected with warm friendly feelings, children. He dont want any other relationship for him. And we agreed, that if I would want to separate,  we would talk about this again. 

STRANGE SITUATION...