If he makes a move on the first date, does that mean he only wants sex?

[Hopeful30]

42 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I like how you played it there.   I may very much be a first date kiss guy, but I tend to be passionate.   

What I’m really passionate about though is connection, so at least for me I would react well to you enjoying and savoring how things develop (savor is the perfect word)  and can completely respect, and more importantly enjoy, taking it slow.  
That and a woman who is chill with me bringing my dog along is golden.    
Oh and as an aside, not too subtle, I’d have gotten it no problem.  You like me, but like to take it slow, let’s do this again.   Perfect really.  

It looks like that may not be enough. He hasn't responded to me, so it's possible he lost interest. Sigh. 

Next!

[basil67]

Sorry you didn't hear from him.

You know, I didn't have a rule about first date kiss or anything.   To me, it was about chemistry.  If there's no chemistry, a kiss will be 🤮.   If there's some chemistry, a kiss to explore that further will be welcome.   If there's fireworks, then sex is highly desirable.    In short, it's about reading the vibe.  

[Cookiesandough]

8 hours ago, Juha said:

I would agree poster is not really attracted to him all that much.  

If you were you would not have turned your cheek

 

If he was taller you probably would be much more attracted to him, know you are trying to expand on your dating pool

but it may be difficult to not subconsciously break your prior deal breakers

L o goddam l 

[rjc149]

As far as I'm concerned, getting the cheek is a snub. If a woman turns down a kiss on a first date, she's uninterested or playing 'hard to get.' 

Either way, next. 

If you're squeemish about getting cooties on a first date, but are interested in the guy and want another date, there's nothing wrong with flat-out telling him that. 

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

If you're squeemish about getting cooties on a first date, but are interested in the guy and want another date, there's nothing wrong with flat-out telling him that. 

I had also suggested before that she discuss her preference openly. Not every guy wants to get involved with a more physically/sexually conservative woman. Those who might be open to it are still probably used to quick physical escalation, given the modern climate, so will need to understand you take a different approach and adapt. The guys who don't have the patience or interest and opt out - you lose nothing at all by letting them go.

[rjc149]

I'm just saying, if I go for the kiss and get the cheek, that's a "no thanks."

Unless, she explains "look, I'm enjoying myself and I do think you're attractive, but I want to take things really slow and have a few more dates before we get to that part, if that's okay with you."

It would be okay with me. 

[manfrombelow]

On 6/14/2020 at 7:25 AM, Hopeful30 said:

Went on a date earlier today, and I felt good with this man. No red flags. However about 1 hour into the date (we went hiking for a few hours)[/quote]

1. Hiking or any physical activities on 1st date is a bad idea because it destroys intimacy and romance. 

On 6/14/2020 at 7:25 AM, Hopeful30 said:

he made a move and tried to kiss me (we were sitting on the grass facing each other and talking).[/quote]

2. It's natural at least seen from a male's point of view. I mean, a man and a woman in close proximity to one another in the middle of nowhere, what else can he do?

On 6/14/2020 at 7:25 AM, Hopeful30 said:

I turned and gave him my cheek [/quote]

3. You had the right to do this, because your level of interest in this guy was not high enough to receive a French kiss at that moment.

On 6/14/2020 at 7:25 AM, Hopeful30 said:

which he kissed without hesitation. His behaviour did not change afterwards, he was not rude or different in anyway. The date was good until the end. [/quote]

4. So he didn't try to push, which indicates he at least had some good self-control and be respectful of you enough.

On 6/14/2020 at 7:25 AM, Hopeful30 said:

I am curious though, does making a move this early mean he is only interested in sex?[/quote]

5. All guys want sex when they go into the dating world.

On 6/14/2020 at 7:25 AM, Hopeful30 said:

The majority of our conversations were about different sex cultures around the world, like Japanese underground sex culture. Again, respectful and nothing degrading...but it's making me wonder if he's only interested in a sexual relationship?[/quote]

6. Doesn't matter what the topics were about. Men are interested in sexual relationships.

On 6/14/2020 at 7:25 AM, Hopeful30 said:

Am I accurate to assume that men who seek relationships and commitment hold off on making a move so early to not give the impression he only wants sex?

We didn't make a second date. When we ended the date, I said I had a good time and let's keep in touch. He agreed and we went our separate ways. 

What do you think?

7. Nothing. Just keep dating. It's not your fault that you were not ready to kiss him at that moment. And it's not his fault for not wanting to keep going on dates with you after you gave him the cheek either. 

[salparadise]

On 6/13/2020 at 8:25 PM, Hopeful30 said:

Again, respectful and nothing degrading...but it's making me wonder if he's only interested in a sexual relationship? 

Well duh... Dating is about mating. What would be the point you weren't interested in a sexual relationship. Dating and sex are strongly correlated (as in 100 percent) when the dating proceeds successfully. Sex is a normal, healthy human need. 

If you like the guy and want to continue, don't give him the cheek when he goes for a kiss a second time. You don't have escalate, but if you don't show some interest and reciprocation this guy will probably cut his losses. 

You have to balance restraint and cooperation if you want this to work out. This guy isn't taking you on dates because he has money to burn and wants to make sure you're well fed, like a philanthropist. Do women actually become adults and go on dates without understanding the most fundamental aspects of human nature? 

[Fletch Lives]

It's normal for people to kiss in the first few dates, especially the first one - when they both like each other. A kiss is not sex.

Why not date a guy you really like?

[elaine567]

On 6/14/2020 at 4:25 PM, Hopeful30 said:

Kissing, for me, is very sexual.

 

14 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Unless, she explains "look, I'm enjoying myself and I do think you're attractive, but I want to take things really slow and have a few more dates before we get to that part, if that's okay with you."

It would be okay with me. 

I think the OP does need to explain as not everyone sees kissing as "very sexual".

[Hopeful30]

3 hours ago, salparadise said:

3 hours ago, salparadise said:

If you like the guy and want to continue, don't give him the cheek when he goes for a kiss a second time. You don't have escalate, but if you don't show some interest and reciprocation this guy will probably cut his losses.

 

In another words, compromise my boundaries to keep the interest of a man? That's pathetic.

1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said:

It's normal for people to kiss in the first few dates, especially the first one - when they both like each other. A kiss is not sex.

Why not date a guy you really like?

I DO really like him  are men really so superficial? A kiss means she likes me, and no kiss means she doesn't? That's such a narrow way of thinking. I mean....does everyone kiss on a first date? I might as well put out with a millionaire to get more benefits then, if I'm going to compromise my boundaries...

[Hopeful30]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

 

I think the OP does need to explain as not everyone sees kissing as "very sexual".

Is there such a thing as platonic kissing? Why would you taste someone's mouth without sexual interest?

[Hopeful30]

On 6/14/2020 at 9:01 PM, basil67 said:

Sorry you didn't hear from him.

Heard from him the next day. We have been in regular contact including Skype calls. He doesn't appear to have lost interest. Finally a decent man! Let's see how things go from here.

[Fletch Lives]

Have you ever kissed a man on the first date?

[salparadise]

8 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

In another words, compromise my boundaries to keep the interest of a man? That's pathetic.

Gosh, you are actually that naive. Just tell him that kiss ain’t on the table and quit wasting his time. 

[Hopeful30]

3 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Have you ever kissed a man on the first date?

No.

Just now, salparadise said:

Gosh, you are actually that naive. Just tell him that kiss ain’t on the table and quit wasting his time. 

Naive because I have boundaries? Salparadise, you're single aren't you 😊

[FMW]

Hopeful30, I think the disconnect here is that although you see kissing as "very sexual", most people don't.  That doesn't mean that most people would just kiss indiscriminately, just that someone trying to kiss you isn't necessarily an overtly sexual move.  

You should absolutely maintain your own boundaries, just be aware that not every guy will share your view and that doesn't mean he's not "decent". Just maybe not meant for you.

Good luck with the guy you're Skyping with!

[elaine567]

I think most people see kissing as a sign that there is some romantic intention there.
Turning the cheek can be seen as "Sorry I have no interest in you as  a romantic partner."
Of course there is kissing and there is kissing... 
Some is one step up from platonic and some is a lot more sexual... a lot more.

[Ruby Slippers]

I fully support your commitment to being true to your own instincts and preferences and not following the herd. There are men out there who will be delighted to meet a woman who shows some discretion and discernment about getting physical in any fashion. A man who has similar values and really likes you is not going to be daunted by this whatsoever. Those are the only men you need to give any thought to. The others are irrelevant.

[SumGuy]

6 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

... A man who has similar values and really likes you is not going to be daunted by this whatsoever. Those are the only men you need to give any thought to. The others are irrelevant.

Heck I would say even what might be considered a hedonist who is not desperate and looking for a true connection would not give any thought to it.   

Sex is not hard to find, and certainly not a kiss, connection is hard to find in my experience.  In my view, all you "need to do" is make clear you like it slow, and just because you are not interested in a kiss doesn't mean you are not interested.   More to avoid misunderstanding. 

I personally don't view dating as just a prelude to sex, but a fun time in and of itself, for the conversation, laughter, and adventure together.  The last three make the chemistry for me, the kiss at the end of the date is just to let her know I feel it and I am attracted to her (also I may be a hedonist, see above, and I do enjoy it).  Nevertheless, the higher "hedonistic" joy is in the connection.  I'd happily (even if a yearning and burning) wait for sex if we are building that connection.

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 6/15/2020 at 12:40 PM, rjc149 said:

As far as I'm concerned, getting the cheek is a snub. If a woman turns down a kiss on a first date, she's uninterested or playing 'hard to get.' 

Either way, next. 

If you're squeemish about getting cooties on a first date, but are interested in the guy and want another date, there's nothing wrong with flat-out telling him that. 

Honestly that seems a little thin-skinned. What if it was just an awkward moment? In this case I'd consider the guy's attitude the deal breaker. A confident guy will be less hurt and more like, she does seem to like me so that's weird...but not so much uh-oh, that's an offense that nexts this chick. I mean she didn't slap him or yell "ew" or something. 😂

[rjc149]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Honestly that seems a little thin-skinned. What if it was just an awkward moment? In this case I'd consider the guy's attitude the deal breaker. A confident guy will be less hurt and more like, she does seem to like me so that's weird...but not so much uh-oh, that's an offense that nexts this chick. I mean she didn't slap him or yell "ew" or something. 😂

A confident guy will know he has plentiful options that will better reward his time investment, and not continue clinging to the hope that a woman who is clearly showing signs of disinterest is simply being awkward.

Time is valuable. Personally, my patience with strangers is pretty limited.

[SumGuy]

3 hours ago, rjc149 said:

A confident guy will know he has plentiful options that will better reward his time investment, and not continue clinging to the hope that a woman who is clearly showing signs of disinterest is simply being awkward.

Time is valuable. Personally, my patience with strangers is pretty limited.

I'd call that arrogant, oblivious, thirsty and pretentious (as in pretending). 

If you are all just about sex, and only sex, sure, makes perfect sense but would call it pretentious (at best) if you told her you were interested in a relationship.

If you were honestly interested in a relationship, then you'd have to be pretty oblivious (or lack social skills) to not get she was not disinterested, in fact very interested from her words and wanting to see him again, just wanting a slower pace.  Which again would certainly be unacceptable if all one wanted was sex, and sex soon.

It's also pretty thirsty if patience means taking a few dates to see if it will get physical, even a Lothario knows better.

It's also pretty arrogant to view this through the lens of just your time and these women as strangers.   

They are not just coming up to you on the street trying to covert you or something. 

This is another person you supposedly chose because you thought there was potential for connection, and likewise her you.  She took time out of her life to see you as well.  You both may technically be strangers to each other...but the intent, the dating, is to forge a connection to not be.  Believe it or not, that is primarily through communication and not necking.  And by this logic why would a woman want to just kiss stranger?  So you have problem with a stranger wasting your time by not kissing you but have no problem with getting down with a stranger...you sure this is not just all about sex?

Getting to know each other is not a "waste" it is the very process for anything more than just sex, and even for just sex there is often getting to know each other.

It's only a waste of your time if you think a date = sex, and anything that doesn't directly lead to sex on your time line is a waste.  So yah, arrogant, oblivious, thirsty and pretentious. 

Confidence is not even a word that comes to mind with such behavior, actually more fear, fear of missing out, fear that it is so hard to get sex that any time spent not directly getting to it is a waste.  An insecure guy has to act like he wants a relationship, when all he really wants is sex, then gets bent out of shape when the date unfolds along looking for a relationship lines instead of DTF.

 A confident guy, who has no problems finding sex...knows it is not a waste.  He could find sex in a week, and not just some rando at a bar, sex is easy for him to find.  If he wants more, if he wants connection, that can be harder and takes time.  Not time as in he is sacrificing anything, but time in making sure for himself she is it, and as long as the times are fun and building connection, it is no waste at all.      

Of course nothing wrong with only being interested in sex, but don't fool yourself in thinking that ditching someone who is interested and fun but won't kiss on a first date is somehow a confident or strong move, especially if you lied and said you were interested in a relationship.

[rjc149]

11 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I'd call that arrogant, oblivious, thirsty and pretentious (as in pretending). 

If you are all just about sex, and only sex, sure, makes perfect sense but would call it pretentious (at best) if you told her you were interested in a relationship.

If you were honestly interested in a relationship, then you'd have to be pretty oblivious (or lack social skills) to not get she was not disinterested, in fact very interested from her words and wanting to see him again, just wanting a slower pace.  Which again would certainly be unacceptable if all one wanted was sex, and sex soon.

It's also pretty thirsty if patience means taking a few dates to see if it will get physical, even a Lothario knows better.

It's also pretty arrogant to view this through the lens of just your time and these women as strangers.   

They are not just coming up to you on the street trying to covert you or something. 

This is another person you supposedly chose because you thought there was potential for connection, and likewise her you.  She took time out of her life to see you as well.  You both may technically be strangers to each other...but the intent, the dating, is to forge a connection to not be.  Believe it or not, that is primarily through communication and not necking.  And by this logic why would a woman want to just kiss stranger?  So you have problem with a stranger wasting your time by not kissing you but have no problem with getting down with a stranger...you sure this is not just all about sex?

Getting to know each other is not a "waste" it is the very process for anything more than just sex, and even for just sex there is often getting to know each other.

It's only a waste of your time if you think a date = sex, and anything that doesn't directly lead to sex on your time line is a waste.  So yah, arrogant, oblivious, thirsty and pretentious. 

Confidence is not even a word that comes to mind with such behavior, actually more fear, fear of missing out, fear that it is so hard to get sex that any time spent not directly getting to it is a waste.  An insecure guy has to act like he wants a relationship, when all he really wants is sex, then gets bent out of shape when the date unfolds along looking for a relationship lines instead of DTF.

 A confident guy, who has no problems finding sex...knows it is not a waste.  He could find sex in a week, and not just some rando at a bar, sex is easy for him to find.  If he wants more, if he wants connection, that can be harder and takes time.  Not time as in he is sacrificing anything, but time in making sure for himself she is it, and as long as the times are fun and building connection, it is no waste at all.      

Of course nothing wrong with only being interested in sex, but don't fool yourself in thinking that ditching someone who is interested and fun but won't kiss on a first date is somehow a confident or strong move, especially if you lied and said you were interested in a relationship.

 

You are interpreting my stance as "a date must result in sex immediately or it's a waste of time." 

When my stance is "if a woman is giving an obvious, universal signal of romantic disinterest, such as rejecting an expression of romantic affection, that means she is romantically disinterested, and a man should accept that and move on." 

If a woman needs a lot of time and comfort before she will kiss a man, that is fine. But, she is not on my wavelength, I am not on hers, and we are incompatible. Hence, I will continue seeking those who are compatible with me. 

No, I don't owe a stranger my time. I don't owe a stranger anything. Yeah, placing my time and my needs above a stranger's may be pretentious, it may be arrogant. Both adjectives people have used to describe me before. Neither of which bother me. 

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 6/14/2020 at 6:01 PM, basil67 said:

Sorry you didn't hear from him.

You know, I didn't have a rule about first date kiss or anything.   To me, it was about chemistry.  If there's no chemistry, a kiss will be 🤮.   If there's some chemistry, a kiss to explore that further will be welcome.   If there's fireworks, then sex is highly desirable.    In short, it's about reading the vibe.  

Me too, but OTOH I have rarely gone out with someone I didn't feel chemistry with.