Is he cheating or am I paranoid

[zanesfan]

My ex did a number on me mentally and emotionally due to lies and cheating. I am finally in a wonderful relationship with a man who I want to be with long term.

Everything has been perfect so far. We have been dating for 2 months and all is well (we tried to date a year ago but I wasn't ready). But now I have a feeling he is still talking to other women. When we are together he is rarely on his phone. I never hear it ring or beep. 

Today we were suppose to hang out and he called me saying his 26 year old son needed to go somewhere and he had to take him. I was disappointed but understood. Later on, he calls and says he is in for the night and we will spend all day tomorrow together. 2 hours later which is almost 9 PM, I call him twice over 20 minutes and no answer. I can't help but to think he is with another woman. Its the weekend so why isn't he with me? We went to the beach last weekend for a day and it was amazing. He always answer the phone and text me. He heavily pursued me and we talk about marriage and long term. He buys and gives me anything I want. He is affectionate, kind, and loving towards me. He does things like wash my car without asking, buys dinner, etc. 

I'm confused right now.

[kendahke]

What work with a therapist did you do when your last relationship ended?  How did you resolve your issues about the ex and his cheating and lying?  When you ask him if he's seeing/talking to other women, what does he say?  I went and looked at your posting history and it would seem lying/cheating/moving too fast in an involvement is a recurring theme for you.

It sounds to me that you've done no kind of therapy to pull that all out by the roots and you've brought that baggage into this new relationship. You need to do that or you're going to blow this relationship.

I don't answer my phone if it's in the other room or I'm outside with my plants and the ringer is turned down or I've got earbuds in my ears while watching YouTube videos on my laptop.  I'm not glued to my phone 24/7--and I'm seeing a guy, as well as one can during lockdown.  There are times when I call my guy and he doesn't answer, but my thoughts don't immediately turn to "he's with another woman" because I have resolved my issues from my ex's cheating with a therapist and I'm not bringing baggage from that into this.  You'd be well advised to scale back your relationship right now and instead,  invest your time with a therapist.

And here's the thing: at 2 months in, you're in the time where the "on their best behavior" representatives are being dismissed and the real you/real him are coming to the fore.  The real him has a life he's put on hold while his representative has been courting your representative.  Now that time has elapsed and familiarity is setting in, he's getting back to things he's put aside for you. He may have been talking with his son, talking to a neighbor, working on something in his house and he may not have heard the phone ringing, but you want to leap to your ex's behavior and assign it to him.

Stop talking about marriage. At 2 months in, you don't know him well enough to be having that kind of conversation because  you don't know him--you only know his representative. All that talk has done is to put this involvement on legs that are not strong or sturdy enough to carry the load---hence your insecurity reaching first for "he's seeing other women"---because you haven't worked that through and resolved it with a therapist.

 

Edited June 14, 2020 by kendahke

[d0nnivain]

At 9 pm after a long day he may have been asleep or in the shower or just not in the mood.  There are 1,000 valid reasons he didn't answer his phone.  It does not automatically mean he's cheating.  You are paranoid because of the bad past relationships. 

It has only been 2 months.  Given that they have been Covid months I'm not sure how deep your connection can actually be even if you have known each other longer.  If you have not discussed & agreed to exclusivity, he can talk to other women. 

Perhaps rather then making yourself crazy based on projected worse case scenarios, next time you see each other, clarify where you are in the relationship.  Do not attempt this over text or even over the phone 

[zanesfan]

We are exclusive. We see other each 3 to 4 times a week. We just recently had a beach trip last week. We communicate openly and freely about how we feel etc. Yes my ex did a number on me which is why I don't fully trust. But its 11 am and still nothing from him which is very unusual. 

I'll speak to him and get clarity. 

[Mystery4u]

  

4 hours ago, zanesfan said:

We are exclusive. We see other each 3 to 4 times a week. We just recently had a beach trip last week. We communicate openly and freely about how we feel etc. Yes my ex did a number on me which is why I don't fully trust. But its 11 am and still nothing from him which is very unusual. 

I'll speak to him and get clarity. 

You say you are dating, you say you are exclusive, but there is no mention of boyfriend/girlfriend in your posts, are you actually officially in a relationship? Has he asked you to be his?

Edited June 14, 2020 by Mystery4u

[Miss Spider]

Yeah, you panic over not hearing from him for 20 min on a weekend night after he told you he’s in and looks forward to seeing you tmrw .... night... when people go to sleep.  I would say that you are insecure  but actually you are pretty much a typical person in a relationship...

Edited June 14, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[kendahke]

On 6/14/2020 at 11:04 AM, zanesfan said:

But its 11 am and still nothing from him which is very unusual. 

 Have you tried calling him, or are you keeping score?

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We communicate openly and freely about how we feel etc.

So why are you in the dark instead of picking up a phone can calling him?

Quote

  Yes my ex did a number on me which is why I don't fully trust.

Then you're not emotionally ready to be in a new relationship.

This is not his problem to solve: it's yours and it should have been solved or well on the way to being solved before you got with him.

Make an appointment with a therapist before your history of insecurity ruin this.

 

[d0nnivain]

At this point I think you can call him again.  

Don't attack him about not calling.  Start with are you OK? 

[smackie9]

How about this....let it go before you look too cray cray and he jumps ship. Why did you call him? Checking up for sure am I right? He told you he was in for the night...that's man code for 'I want some me time." Calling him twice in 20 mins....stop it! He probably fell asleep on the couch watching TV. There's really nothing to talk about with this.

Edited June 22, 2020 by smackie9

[Cali4Dude]

On 6/21/2020 at 9:18 PM, smackie9 said:

How about this....let it go before you look too cray cray and he jumps ship. Why did you call him? Checking up for sure am I right? He told you he was in for the night...that's man code for 'I want some me time." Calling him twice in 20 mins....stop it! He probably fell asleep on the couch watching TV. There's really nothing to talk about with this.

Yeah I agree - one time is nothing to be concerned about and calling too much can make the other person start to get creeped out.  But to the OP - keep your radar up and make sure you trust your gut.  I was recently cheated on in brutal fashion and wish I had not ignored the signs earlier.